Having big doubts.

[florriedorrie]

Have a 4 year old ds (only turned 4 a couple of weeks ago), due to start school in a week. Picked a village school a fair drive away as it's so small and caring, whereas our nearest was oversubscribed and not as flexible to the needs of the child. Basically I just don't want him to go. I am absolutely dreading him going. They are ok about him doing mornings for first few weeks, but still my worries remain. I can only say that I personally just really dislike schools (for many reasons), and keep looking at him and thinking I don't want him to go. I absolutely realise some anxiety is natural, especially as he's our youngest and last. We have two other much older children who were home schooled for a few years. I don't want to hold him back, but similarly we have a very close relationship and I don't want to push him away into the system too soon, or at all.

Any thoughts, guidance, words of wisdom please. I have his uniform all bought and hanging up but it just makes me cry to look at it.

Our ds is ok at the thought of school, but doesn't really understand about being away all day as he has never been away from home longer than three hours at nursery.

Thank you!

They can't have an opinion unless they have been and experienced it. At 4 years they are very young- they quickly catch up if they go later. You are not even officially HEing because they only have to be educated from 5yrs.

"They can't have an opinion unless they have been and experienced it."

I'd agree with that. I would go further and say that especially in the case of a very young child, they can't always form and articulate a mature opinion about what they want even when they HAVE experienced something. Often parents have to observe whether the child seems to be happy rather than relying on what they say.

I'm sure we've all seen cases of children persisting with things even when they don't seem to be enjoying them or benefiting from them. For example, they may stay up very late at a family party, have a meltdown, fight with the cousins and yet refuse to go to bed. They may follow another child around for months, insisting that she is their best friend even when the so-called friend is really unkind to them. I once knew a nine year old who was exceptionally unhappy due to bullying at school and yet would not leave. (It turned out later that she felt obliged to stay out of loyalty to a friend who was also being bullied, and whom she felt she could protect somewhat if she stayed.) Whether the parent wants to let the child carry on in a course of action which seems to be harming her, I guess, is a matter of parental philosophy and how extreme the situation is.

Definitely children should have an input into such an important decision as school, more so as they get older. The only home educated person I have yet met who regretted having been home educated was a girl whose mum refused to allow her to go to school when she wanted to go at the age of 12. I'm sure most HE parents would agree that it was unreasonable to keep her home against her will under the circumstances, just as most would say it is wrong to send an unwilling older child to school if the parents are in a position to home educate.

But there are many parents who feel that their children aren't yet in a position to make a decision about going to school when they are four. My older daughter did understand reasonably well, and I felt she was robust enough to cope with school if she wanted to go, so she was given the choice when she Reception-aged, at nearly five. Her little sister (now six) still doesn't have the same level of understanding and emotional maturity, and anyway seems to be perfectly content at home. I was quite sure school would not be the best place for her, so I have never even asked her whether she wants to go to school. I'm sure it's a conversation we'll have some time in the next three or four years.

I would agree, Saracen, which is why there is no hurry to send him.

I get confused with defering.

As our school said we could defer but wouldent hold a place for us if we defer as we have 1 sept intake some areas have 2-3 even.
Also wouldent it mean child goes straight into year 1 and misses reception?

I would defer florrie as sounds like you had awful time .
I grew up in town with only one big crap and large highschool.

DS was very happy going to school (nursery year first) at 3.5. I picked him up at lunchtime on Fridays (and he moaned about not staying the rest of the afternoon). What has he got from school: lots of friendships, some wonderful group music and, generally speaking, the ability to work cooperatively in groups for play as well as 'projects'. But what suits one doesn't necessarily suit another.

mam, when people talk about deferring school start in England or Wales they are usually referring to the parent's right to start the child later in the Reception year without risk of losing the school place. This is an absolute right provided that the parent informs the LA and that the child starts school by the end of his Reception year and also by the time he reaches compulsory education age in the term after his fifth birthday, whichever is earlier. In England the relevant document to quote is the School Admissions Code. The wording is almost identical in the corresponding Welsh document, IIRC. If you meet the above conditions the place cannot be taken away and given to another child.

This business about having "only one intake" is something of a red herring. I guess what the school means by this is that it is usual for all the children to start in September and the school prefers that to happen. It doesn't mean you can't have your child start later. I have a sneaking suspicion that some schools would like you to believe that you have no real choice about when your child starts, and some are actually unaware of the law.

Yes, deferring does mean missing part of Reception. Even if a child is summer-born, she can't miss all of Reception without risk of losing the school place if the school is oversubscribed.

It's a different scenario in Scotland, which can lead to confusion on message boards. In Scotland the younger children in a year group have the option of starting school the following year instead, joining a class of children younger than themselves. This means they don't miss any part of the school curriculum and throughout their school career they will be among the eldest in their class rather than the youngest. I think it is this option which Scottish posters usually mean when they talk about deferring school start.

Thanks saracen-The school admissions policy definitly implies they wont hold a defered place.

Eldest attends voluntary aided secondry modern.

Theres also the new introduction of primary academies which wont be la controlled so wonder if they will have their own rules.

Im in england but come from wales.
neigbouring counties we were close to border had diffrent rules on intake and admission .

I know a freind in winsdor started her son jan as they had jan intake that seems so much better and kind of wish we had had that option but dident wnat to risk eldests place at time at oversubscribed secondry.

my eldest is feb baby so she would have been 4.5 when starting.
My middle child just missed school year as sept so she will start when shes 5.
youngest hes april so be fab if he could start in april but im led to be believe he must start sept 2015.

I really wish they would reveiw intakes as really feel is up to individual child. my sept baby maybe ready sooner. every childs an individual and should up to parent to decide whats best not school or lea.

However having been through 2years school now.
They say rception is all learning through play and just like nursery.
But it wasent they did loads of phonics, reading, had homework.
Im not sure unless maybe did stuff at home which did anyway if

they defered and started year 1 they be disadvantaged.
lots of kids in reception seemed so tired.
think half days may have been better solution.
Also noticed living in area where many schools every school does things differently.

My eldests freinds infants has a no homework policy.

You know the more I read.
the more I experience-2years in school system.
I think no wonder its a mess theres no flexibility and parent loses control.

I miss preschool-

going in staying a while having chat with staff about what they done that day.

Getting abook home with notes on what they played with and who.

As I ask my eldest how was school and get ok very little answers.
rarly get speak to teacher.

apart from 2parenst evening and report im clueless.

florriedorrie we'll be home edding as, politics and wrapping them up in cotton wool aside... imho children don't actually learn at school. The questions children ask at nursery and school are restricted to functional questions, such as where is the glue. Questions asking 'why' aren't suited to an environment where the adults are simply talking at you as there's lots of children and few adults, so children simply don't learn as much as they would at home, asking curious questions and receiving immediate answers. I also dread the thought of my child being told she's 'bad' simply because she wants to play with building blocks when it's 'time to' read.

Whilst many things are taught at school, people will only learn a thing they are interested in at that time. Hence we cannot recall much of what we supposedly learnt at school. We did not learn as we lacked the necessity of that information at that time.

hth x

Posting this in the Home Ed area will no doubt give you very biased replies. It sounds to me as though you are slightly under-informed about the primary system. The foundation stage is all about learning through play. Nobody will push your child to do anything that he isn't ready to do, or force him into a situation that he can't handle. Children do like boundaries and clarity, this will provide it, and give him the opportunity to develop as an individual alongside others.

Take a really good look at the education websites to see how they learn in reception and year one (foundation stage). It's mostly just fun stuff they do, and social and emotional development is the key to this stage.

media.education.gov.uk/assets/files/pdf/e/eyfs%20statutory%20framework%20march%202012.pdf

I don't know about biased replies. You'll certainly get fact based replies, as opposed to 'everybody else does it this way. Baaaaa' :)

TBH I have no idea about HE as never looked into it - both mine have gone through the school system and I am very happy with dd's junior an secondary school - so I doubt I am biased towards HE

achillea, Year One isn't Foundation Stage. The intention for Nursery and Reception may be learning through play, but ime it's more about learning through doing as you're told. It's pretty much all about boundaries, these include gender discrimination, bullying, and an inordinate amount of time spent on rules, sitting down.

achillea wrote:
Nobody will push your child to do anything that he isn't ready to do, or force him into a situation that he can't handle.

Apart, of course, from going to school and spending 5-6 hours away from his primary carer... Achillea, some children find that really hard and at 4 they may not be able to express it. Many children just accept that there is no alternative and absorb any negative effects which may then emerge much later.

Children do like boundaries and clarity, this will provide it, and give him the opportunity to develop as an individual alongside others.

School is not a necessary part of this. Home-educated children also have boundaries and clarity and develop as individuals. One difference is that they can be involved in setting and amending the boundaries.

Take a really good look at the education websites to see how they learn in reception and year one (foundation stage). It's mostly just fun stuff they do, and social and emotional development is the key to this stage.

Yes, and school is not a necessary part of this either. I think the OP knows her child and her local school - it is rather offensive to say that she is "under-informed".

Just wanted to make a correction- year 1 is keystage not foundation thats reception.

My dd found leap from reception to year 1 quite a big one.
Maybe its just our school but was very academic, lots homework, phonics test and graded at end of year on core subjects.

"The foundation stage is all about learning through play. Nobody will push your child to do anything that he isn't ready to do, or force him into a situation that he can't handle. Children do like boundaries and clarity, this will provide it, and give him the opportunity to develop as an individual alongside others."

HA. Apart from when they do exactly that? Can't make blanket statements like that as I'm sure plenty of 'tried school' HE-ers can refute that!

My kid gets her boundaries and clarity no problem. From people she respects and who respect her in return.