Having big doubts.

[florriedorrie]

Have a 4 year old ds (only turned 4 a couple of weeks ago), due to start school in a week. Picked a village school a fair drive away as it's so small and caring, whereas our nearest was oversubscribed and not as flexible to the needs of the child. Basically I just don't want him to go. I am absolutely dreading him going. They are ok about him doing mornings for first few weeks, but still my worries remain. I can only say that I personally just really dislike schools (for many reasons), and keep looking at him and thinking I don't want him to go. I absolutely realise some anxiety is natural, especially as he's our youngest and last. We have two other much older children who were home schooled for a few years. I don't want to hold him back, but similarly we have a very close relationship and I don't want to push him away into the system too soon, or at all.

Any thoughts, guidance, words of wisdom please. I have his uniform all bought and hanging up but it just makes me cry to look at it.

Our ds is ok at the thought of school, but doesn't really understand about being away all day as he has never been away from home longer than three hours at nursery.

Thank you!

As you have got to this stage I would just do it, you can always change your mind later. Maybe it would help if you could deal with your own bad experience of school too?

My own experiences of school aren't particularly bad, but certainly my eldest child's experience early on was horrific, and I just dislike the whole institutionalisation of little kids, all having to learn the same things at the same time whether they are ready, or even interested or not. Lots of other feelings about school but I wouldn't want to bore you all senseless!

He may enjoy it, but both my kids hated school with a passion, and really to be honest did most of their real worthwhile learning at home, in their own time.

Really going round in circles to be honest. Hubby is supportive whatever we decide, but saving about £30 per week in petrol would probably push him in the direction of home ed, although money is obviously in no way a deciding factor.

Any more thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!

The way you've phrased it does rather invite people to say "give it a try" especially as it is mainly about how you will miss him.

But at the same time, you've posted in the home ed area of Mumsnet.

I do think 4 is very young to be starting school.

Is there much home ed activity in your area?

I would have said give it a try if you hadn't had other kids but quite frankly I'd just start home ed. make sure you're doing it for him though and not for you.

Yes we do have a lot going on locally by way of home ed groups so that wouldn't be problematic. It is much more than the fact that I shall miss him, although I may have put it that way in my post. I have a real concern about schools generally and worry that the way he learns at present, in such a natural and organic way will be spoilt. I think 4 is way too young to start school. I think he will enjoy it at first, but then it will become an effort to get him there. I have a zillion doubts, some based on previous experience with my other kids, and some based on how I see schools are today, and some on what I feel our little boy will be ale to cope with at such a young age.

Thanks for reading my confused rants.

I think maybe you need to think through what your reasons were for applying to school for him in the first place - do those reasons still apply? It's normal to have cold feet about any change in your life, but if you had thought it through before and decided to give school a try, then unless things have actually changed to make that now a less-good decision, then I would stick with the decision you made calmly a little while back, and not let your nerves over-rule that choice.

too young, too young too young.

Revisit at Christmas, revisit at Easter (ask the school about keeping the place open).

If you've home edded before, it honestly seems like a no-brainer to me!

Thanks Colleger. I have experience of both school and home ed. If we do go down the home ed route then it'll be for our ds and not to make me feel better. In my experience kids grow up so quickly. Before you realise it they have their own friends and hobbies and are making their way in the world, with mum and dad only standing by (if needed) and watching quietly from the side, smiling to themselves that they've done a pretty good job. I don't want to push our little man before he's ready.

Thanks Ommmward. It is very very young isn't it?

He keeps saying that he's going to miss me when he goes to school. I'm dreading assessments, over tiredness, non stop illnesses, school politics, evenings spent with HAVING to read a certain book, not reading because you choose to, learning lists of spellings because they're told to, living for the weekends, bullying, etc etc etc.

Can't think of many positives to school. Maybe the school nativity? Even then though mine always ended up as the back end of a donkey with the lead roles of Joseph etc. left for those higher up the pecking order. Even in reception it's down to "who you know". I don't know if I have the energy for it any more.

Joking aside. I think I'm really all schooled out.

I now realise that 4 is far too young to be starting school. My DDs were all less than 4.5 when they started and my gut instinct was always screaming at me that it was wrong and they should be at home. Several years down the line now that they are all HEd and for the first year in ages I won't be bundling them off in september (YAY!) I finally feel 'at peace' and feel that they are in the right place and wish I'd never sent them to school.

Good luck with your decision.
C x

I too think 4 is very young. My eldest was only 4 and found it hard to settle but had never been to nursery neither. (long story).
You had reasons for sending him, revisit the reasons and see if they still apply. I don't think its just him going to school as you have been through this with older dcs.
All I can say is look at your dcs personality and his capabilities. If you are pretty much convinced he could cope, you have the uniform so go for it. If on the other hand you really feel like you have made a mistake and your reasons do no longer exist, then look for receipt of school uniform and H.ed

This is what I would do under same circumstances.

If you are not sure - then don't do it, you know your family best. I agree that 4 years old is young for the type of schooling you get at 4 in England and it isn't always suitable.

Just keep him at home for a year if you think him too young.

Thanks for your responses. I think that really, as many of you have said I believe 4 is simply too young to enter into full time education. Whatever I am told about learning being play based, children always can tell when something is expected from them work-wise. Immediately children know they are expected to be learning something and that they may be tested in some way to ascertain if said learning objective has been successful they become stressed. Some children cope well with school but many do not. I have always tried very hard to highlight the positives of school in front of our dcs, but they have always hated school with a passion. Constant disruptions, noise, bad behaviour, shouting, boring lessons, assessments, confusion, supply teachers, bullying, changing classes due to disruptive pupils refusing to leave the room, tiredness, being sat at the back of every class because your surname is at the end of the alphabet, maths teachers teaching French, Polish teachers teaching English, art teachers reading the newspaper whilst the class basically takes the class apart. I could go on.

I don't want it to happen again. I know high school is a way of yet, and I am jumping the gun, but it all starts here, and in my opinion although there are some brilliant teachers doing excellent work, schools generally are pants, IMO.

Rethink after 12 months- or when he is 5yrs.

I really think that you have poor schools, florrie- I wouldn't send mine if we only had choices of schools like that!

Okay my kids started at 4, and two were only 4.25. But it was right for both of them, and their school is even more learning through play and more like pre-school now. It really is hard to judge, as my kids infant school is such a fun place, with lots of outdoor learning, and much more like a Forest School than a lot of neighbouring ones. They also got opportunities that I can't imagine giving them doing HE eg. Building a London stree of 1666 out of cardboard boxes, and then burning it down (with the fire brigade on hand to put it out).
However if you are not sure, why didn't you opt for HE in the first place? Why did you choose school initially? As you have already been through the whole education thing before, I would wonder why you registered with school?

Lots of parents do worry before kids go to school, and it's always hardest with your youngest (and eldest). I suppose I am trying to say, you need to really think about how long you have been having doubts for, as well as that no two children are the same.

If you think he's too young and you're in the position to HE then don't send him. Could you speak to the school and see if they'll defer his place for a year? He could always start next year if you think he's ready.

FWIW I agree that 4 is far too young. My DS was 4 in June, it may obviously be affected by the fact he's never been to nursery but I know there's no way he'd cope being in a strange place with people he doesn't know away from me and his baby sister all day.

Yes Exotic, it does sound dire doesn't it. Our high school has gone through a bad time, with some brilliant staff and some who shouldn't be anywhere near a school. We do live in a good area, with very low crime levels and very little in the way of teenage problems such as drugs etc. It is a small town with no choice of high school. Our high school has approx. 1800 kids - too big IMO.

All local primary schools (approx. 14 I think) feed into the one huge high school. The primary school our ds is due to attend is about 10 miles away, as our nearest, popular, primary school would not even discuss the possibility of our ds starting mornings only for the first few weeks, hence us choosing this other, more flexible school.

It isn't the thought of him going to this particular school which is concerning us, but more the whole school thing in its entirety.

No chance of moving?

I think possibly to request the school to defer his place may be the way to go. We shall at least be keeping our options open.

Sounds the best option.

No, no chance of moving. The high school is on its way up out of depths to which it had fallen, but I suppose my expectations even of a so called good school are never too high.

I would defer for a year and then see.

What is difficult is that at 4 you can't ask their opinion. Older kids you can talk to and get their feelings on the subject. As parents you have to make a decision for them based on research, understanding your individual child's needs and general life experience. I suppose any decision made is not set in stone and may be changed in the future.

Thanks to all!