Only my 2nd thread and having a wobble already!

[treedelivery]

I started a thread about HE when you are working and got some fab fab advice and comfort. So here I am again.

We have deregistered! Everyone knows, school and the children in the class, relatives and friends. So naturally I am now having a mega wobble.

Her consultant (a chronic health condition and also some new pain that they feel may be physcological in nature) went positively pale when I said this was our plan.

I suspect we are being tagged as the family with the worry mother who is making it all a whole lot worse for her kids.

Also I have been to a few end of term events at school and they were lovely, very rich experiences for everyone involved. The school children have made cards wishing dd good luck and saying sorry you are leaving and many of the parents have expressed their sorrow.

I have looked at some HE study type cooks and I'm scared that I don't even understand the blooming work, never mind have the skills to teach it.

Shit bugger bollocks - am I doing the right thing? Is it normal to have these wobbles?

No advice for you I'm afraid (I'm just a lurker as my DS isn't old enough for school yet, but I'm considering HE) but just wanted to say congratulations on deregistering your daughter you obviously feel it is in her best interests and have considered you options long and hard, don't be swayed by other people

It's fine to feel a mixture of emotions; it's a time of huge change, but for the better. For us, there was some slight sadness at the goodbyes, but our kids still see their friends loads...just not in traditional school hours.
When you step outside the box of what is deemed as "normal" in society, there are loads of people who don't understand, but they don't need to understand IMO.
Over the past few months, I've learnt to just let people's comments wash over and off me......not easy all the time though.
There's so much on-line to help you with understanding, teaching and learning.
Well done on reregistering!

Hi

My son has never been to school, so I'm not speaking from personal experience, but there are parallels with other situations.

For example, recently I heard a radio programme with ideas for what you could do when your ex got married, because apparently it would stir up all kinds of emotions and make you think of how it used to be, and what it could have been if it hadn't all gone wrong, and maybe even that it WOULDN'T have gone wrong if you'd stuck with it.

It's a bit of a cliche, but choices mean leaving something in order to pick up something else. And at the moment you're just focused on the loss.

Surely you haven't severed everything though- will she not be keeping the school friends and doing activities with them outside of school? If so think of it a small change and it won't seem so daunting.

Don't worry about the consultant's attitude. In my experience, professionals always push school as the best option and often have little or no experience of home education. You have made the decision because you know your child best and you believe it will be the right thing for her. Choosing the best way of supporting your child as she grows up is what a good parent is supposed to do, so you are being a good parent. And, actually, how you educate her is none of the consultant's business.

I have just deregistered and one of the things that has struck me is that, although it feels like a huge leap into the unknown, it is not an irreversible decision. If my DS ever wants to go back to school (when pigs fly ), he can.

It is lovely that you have had so much good will from other parents and your daughter's friends. You will not be involved in the day-to-day school stuff anymore, but you can still keep in touch with people and it will be important for your daughter to keep in touch with her school friends. There is no reason why that can't continue.

Maybe you should worry less about understanding any 'work' and more about all the fun you can have together. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but my son is 12 and I am really enjoying looking into ways of learning that will be fun, rather than the dry, lesson topics he was doing before. I'm hoping we'll get some days out together (tricky because DS is very anxious about going out, but he's promised to try) and enjoy reading loads together.

Do you have any local home ed groups? I can't get to any of mine at the moment, but I read their threads on Yahoo and find it incredibly reassuring to have my own experience 'normalised' and to see how much there is available for home educating children to do.

I'm a newbie though. I'm sure a more experienced home educator will be along soon to reassure you. As Fiona rightly says, you are focusing on your loss at the moment. In time, you will begin to see all the opportunities. Good luck!

Stop worrying, take each day as it comes, and breathe!!!

School always looks brilliant in the last term before kids are taken out and people start paying you lots of attention. It wouldn't have happened if you'd kept her there.

Don't even look at curriculum. If she can read and do some basic maths then there is nothing to worry about. I was looking at school timetables online yesterday and the amount of time spent on subjects is minuscule.

I'd probably spend the first six months at home ed groups, especially the ones that do nothing but socialise and I'd spend the rest of the time cooking and letting her do crafty things. She'll let you know what she needs in good time and by that point you will be more relaxed

Thank everyone. You all make lots of sense, you know how it is when the negative side takes over - there seems to be a downside to every single little thing.

Plus as tough as I try to be, I do seem to seek assurance and reassurance that I am doing ok. The family are supportive, so naturally I torture myself by moving onto the next circle of people - at the moment the medics as they are involved in her life at the mo.

I think I am sort of seeing HE as a chance to really see what she can do academically. Which is crazy of me and not at all what she needs. I know I will struggle to release the reins on this and let her cruise for as long as it takes to turn her back into her old self.

I'm also wondering about he sibling - she is a different type of child and I think will really love school. So we are faced with trying to choose a school for her plus choosing somewhere that has a cat in hells chance of a space for our HE child should HE turn out to be not the ideal thing in a year or two. I hope that makes sense.

Complicated

The very many pluses are that we have the LEA bod coming soon and I'm almost looking forward to - I'm not at all threatened by the idea of a visit and feel able to explain and defend if required. I feel I can certainly reassure them all is well here.

So so so right that the attention we are getting is lovely but that would indeed pass if she stayed and she would still be left with the same challenges she has always had. People are being lovely, offering playdates and meet ups. This is so kind of them and I appreciate it.

DD has never been able to really do playdates as she finds socialising so very very hard. So that worrries me too.

ANother huge positive, I am aware of the local group and once the busy summer is over I will get stuck in to socialising and seeing if dd finds it easier out of school. Please God let it be so!!!

Plus I just read my OP and it appears I can't type or spell

Was on a dodgy phone, honest 'guv

My friend always found the LEA person extremely helpful - mainly because he was pleased to have a friendly person offering tea and cake who didn't see him as the enemy. Good luck. ( remember it would be the holiday anyway so no need to rush into anything- take stock first)

My LEA contact is really helpful too and has already offered useful advice. I know that I don't need to accept a visit, but, like you tree, I am happy to see her.

Re: socialising - I would say, don't push it too much. My DS finds it hard too, which is one of the reasons he struggled at school. I have come to the conclusion that there is no point in pushing him to socialise. He has one 'best friend' who he sees several times a week and he enjoys chatting online with boys from his old school. He refuses to mix any more than this. He says, "I don't do groups". That is his character, so I have to respect that. It may change as he grows up, but he's happy with the way things are at the moment.

I hope you enjoy a relaxing summer, OP.

I would agre with ToffeeWhirl - give her space and time.

Thank you. A relaxing summer. Sounds lovely - and no sept back to school looming. Happy days.

What a relief!

That's it.

We're outta there!!

SHe had a great last day it seems, and had a friend over tonight and they played so well together. So sort of 'wobbled' again, that we are making mountains out of molehills and that we are breaking her away from friendships for life...that she has no issues at all and we are dreaming it all......I know we can keep in touch with her friends but perhaps it isn't the same.

However, we are out of it. No more uniform, black shoes, tights for winter, lost gloves, worries about what's for lunch, worries about homework, worries about who will be kind and what they will say. No more picking her skin and rubbing her mouth adn nose until they are raw.

That's it. End of a (short) era. We are going ot miss out of somethings, the sense of the journey you get when in a group. Can't be helped though, for now at least.

Oh and even the assessment with the one psychologist in our NHS area will be over 6 months wait. So imagine how I'd have felt if faced with that wait and back to school looming in 6 weeks. Bleurgh.

My dd loved school But, due to health issues, we felt it would be better to pull her out after y4 and HE. My god, did I worry for the first year. And now, two years in, we are so much happier and stress free it is almost unbelievable.

As parents we are conditioned to believe that only by sending our children to schools do we do the right thing for them. Not so.

Please give yourself some time to relax and enjoy being together.

And as for group work...have you foundbyour local yahoo he group yet? I guarantee you'll be turning down invitations because your calendar is too full!

Thank you.

I have joined every group within 80 miles In my defence that is only 3. SO I am looking forward to meeting some other people and I do so so so hope she gells with someone. She is...er.....a bit funny. Maybe a bit aspergersie? We are getting it looked into. It's taken 3 years at school to find a friend (they really gelled this last term, typical!) so it doesn't come easily for her.

We are going to bum about entirely for at least 3 months - despite me itching to get going with projects and stuff. I think she needs the child's equivalent of lying in a dark room. So it's good to hear advice that reassures me - thank you!

I'm glad your dd felt the benefits - it must feel good for the soul to see the difference. Well done for making the brave first steps and riding it out. Will she ever go back or are you fully HE now?

We imagine dd will go back at some point.

I get that 'I'm dreaming it all' feeling too, particularly when DS1 is 'normal' and not stressed (he's more than a bit 'Aspie' too). Then he'll say something like, "I didn't eat or drink all day at school because that's the only way I could stop being anxious" and I realise what hell school was for him . Tree - you need to trust your instincts. You would not have taken this decision without a lot of thought and I'm sure you are right. Your DD is very lucky to have you as a mum.

You only have to remember your DD "picking her skin and rubbing her nose and mouth until they are raw" to know that you have made a good decision. My DS had numerous tics. They were so bad he had to be taken out of class and taken for a walk until they had subsided. He doesn't have any tics now.

CheerMum - that's a very encouraging post . Have only just de-registered my DS1.

We're in really similar boats by the sound of things ToffeeWhirl.

How old is your DD, tree? My DS1 is 12. We have had him assessed three times for AS, but we are planning to go for a private diagnosis next and that is because he is beginning to ask why he has his problems and we don't have a good answer. He has a diagnosis, but I'm not sure it's the right one. School was no good for him at all. It breaks my heart when he sometimes lets on how difficult it was for him. He was fine with me because I knew how to manage him, but he could never cope with groups and social situations.

When I took DS1 out of school the first time (Year 6), I told him he had to go to secondary. He did - and it was a disaster. We now know that he cannot handle school, but I wish we hadn't had to put him -and us -through so much stress to find that out. Your DD may go back in time, but if she doesn't that will be fine. She can do perfectly well without school.

Thank you for the encouragement and for your story. How will you persue a private diagnosis?

She is 7 Toffee, so the idea of HE right through secondry is pretty scary for me I must admit. Probably because this is all very new. I am also probably hoping that this is all just going to be ok and she will just get older, mature and 'slot back in'. Which is probably crazy. What you say about a child who is happy and fine with you as long as the environment is controlled makes perfect sense. I'm sorry he found it so hard but isn't it great he is now safe with you and you are nurturing him.

My dd has, to be fair, seemed much happier this last term, much more relaxed in general and there has been some evidence of some deeper friendships. Prior to this term though she has been a strung out heap of twitches. Although school report a happy settled child - it seems to be home where it all comes out.

I rather suspect she is a mild asperger syndrome type person, but with lots of coping mechanisms in place.

Am going to ring the NAS and ask for recommendations. CAMHS say it's a year-long waiting list and they are don't think there is any point in pursuing a diagnosis because DS1 has enough 'diagnoses' to get him help at school if we take him back . We want a diagnosis to make sense of everything, rather than just to get any help (particularly as we have now given up on school). He is now asking why he has his problems and I think he needs answers.

You say your DD is seven, tree - I wish I could rewind time and take my son out at seven. You are probably avoiding a lot of heartache for you and her, especially if your suspicions about mild AS are correct. My DS managed at school provided he had an excellent, sensitive teacher and a good TA. Without those, he fell apart. Maybe your DD had a lot of help over the last term, tree, and that is why she seemed happier recently. Home is often where the stress comes out. DS1 kept the lid on at school, but exploded when he came out.

Weirdly, HE at secondary doesn't seem at all scary to me now, but it did at first. I must have read so much about it that I have stopped worrying.

Congratulations treedelivery!!

I wish you and your little girl lots of happiness. It's wonderful that she can now enjoy a friendship and that she doesn't have to pay the price of being stressed all day for that.