'Unsociable' daughters???...advice please!

[catnipkitty]

Hello All

DDs were always overwhelmed by the huge number of children at school, and much happier with friends on a 1 to 1 basis....since HEding (about 8 months now) i have tried various small groups and organised activities and they have been to brownies and rainbows, but they just seem to hate these things - hate being 'told' what to do, having to do organised games and being 'forced' to socialise. They never join in with games at parties. They still have playdates with a couple of school friends each and play/interact very well, they play with eachother really well and we have good friends from other parts of the country who come to stay sometimes.

I don't really see this as a problem and am quite happy for us all to spend our days together as a family with them doing what they want to do....but should they be spending time in groups doing organised activities for their social development?? I see most of their friends doing dance/gym/cheerleading/group activities and I'm just not sure.....

Any advice gratefully received - i really value what you all think :). Thank you.
C x

aside from the HE thing, your post could have been about me as a child.

I hated with a passion any organised clubs / classes. I was taken to them all, to see if I got on with any of them, and just did not enjoy it. I once came back from Sunday School and said I wasn;t going back as all the kids just ran around like headless chickens

I preffered one to one, reading, less sociable activites. I also hated kids club type stuff on holidays too.

If you want them to take up a sport for their own personal development, what about something less sociable, such as swimming or rock climbing?

On the whole, I am now very rounded and able to socialise with most people, DH loves taking me to work 'dos' as I will happily natter to anyone about anything. I still like my own space, though, and will sometimes need an hour to just relax away from everyone.

Im sure your daughters are wonderful and perfectly happy. Don't push them to try and fit them into a mould they just wont fit in, but let them know thery can ask if they want to do certain actitivies etc.

I found the best 'social' activity when I was young was sleepovers. I used to have one every few months and have around 10 friends to sleep. Im not sure why I enjoyed these but not other events, just did.

Hope this has put your mind at rest in some little way, and you seem like a lovely mum to not force them into stuff they clearly arent happy with.

how old are they?
personally i'd be tempted to let them take it at their own pace. if they express interest in any particular groups then encourage that (ie, if they'd like to take up a sport or any other group like drama etc)

otherwise i wouldn't worry too much i don't think

I think there is a benefit to having to spend some time with people you don't already know and love, doing things you might not choose to do, and having to get on with people whose personalities don't mesh that well with your own. As an adult, it's something you have to deal with, and I think it's a skill that most people have to learn by practicing.

But that can be done by things like taking part in an organised sport, playing a musical instrument in a group, doing a drama workshop or craft activity, if the more chaotic environments of Brownies etc don't suit them.

If they're not long out of school, then it may take a while to get over the feeling of being forced to interact in ways that don't suit them, so I wouldn't rush it. But I don't think it's healthy to always spend your time in a small family group, doing what you want - even if you have to compromise with the rest of the family, it's not the same as having to cope with wider humanity.

Are they twins?

Thank you for your replies. Colleger and This I have DD1 who is 8yrs old and came out of school in March and DD2 & 3 are ID twins who are 7 and came out of school last October. There is 1yr and 4 days between them (!) and altho they are very close they also all like having their own space and they have individual friends and go to friend's houses seperately.

Gnocchi as a child I was very much the same, and like you as an adult I have learned how to be more 'out-going' but still need my down time. I don't think I learned this at school tho, and probably not until I had children myself. I suppose I just can't see the point in forcing them to go somewhere they don't want to go where they just hang back and don't want to join in anyway. It is probably a question of finding the 'right' activity... DD1 went to Brownies for a year but just found it repetitive and unstimulating (much like school :o).

I have 3 boys (again a single and then ID twins) who are a couple of years older. They are very similar in that they really don't like these social events and organised activities. The singleton (older) is most willing to join in, but is equally happy not to bother, whereas the younger two would really rather never go. They go to cubs but it doesn't really grab them.

They get on fine with friends in smaller groups, but really hate the noise and business of bigger group things.

Have to say neither DH or I thrived in those kind of environments either so I guess it is not unexpected (although my mum and DB do love that kind of thing).

I have no actual advice - I'm just glad to hear that my dd must belong to a 'type'. You have described her exactly, although I would also add 'aloof' to the mix.
I was the same.

I think down time is really important and is what's lacking about school for some children.

DD2 much more sociable since home education, but it took a while. I had to let her shut herself away from the world for a while and not worry about the social thing. Nowadays she is very sociable, but I think that's because she has lots of times when she doesn't have to be, if that makes sense. She still wouldn't cope with forced socialisation.

I have a group of longstanding friends and we meet at weekends quite frequently. DD1 comes along happily. DD2 usually says "I'll dogsit". I never force her, I know she would bow out of all socialising if I did. Everyone came round to our house last weekend. DD2 spent most of her time in her room. One of my friends was a bit because DD2 wasn't letting the children in her bedroom. I asked how we would feel if a group of people who were friends of, say, our parents came round and we were forced to let them in our bedroom? I'm willing to bet not many of us would like it.

I think we can fall into the trap of pushing children into social situations they don't want (and which we might not even like ourselves) because we somehow think it is good for them or they should behave in a certain way. I think it's very important children have control of their own social life, their own space, their own down time.

Both of my girls would cite their sister as their best friend if you asked them. It's only in our mixed up society we think this is weird or somehow wrong. If yours are happiest just doing things as a family, then why not? They will branch out if and when they are ready.

Thank you so much for your replies, it's very reassuring to know there are other's like us!