How do you come to terms with the long term commitment of HE and being judged?

[mummyinthemiddle]

Hi
I am a bit of a lurker. My DH wants us (well me) to HE our daughters. DD1 was 4 in April and is due to start our local village school in September. We are new to the school, the village and the area. We attended the new parents coffee morning on Wednesday and following this my DH is (once again) pushing for HE. He has lots of reasons for this but one major one is that he feels he doesn't want the state raising his child and deciding what they should learn.

I have been a sahm since dd1 was born and I have dd2 18 months. I have loved it.

I am with him in many ways and totally admire people who HE. I have loads of concerns and misgivings though and I had thought we had agreed on the village school (which seems lovely). I was wondering if anyone can advise/ help/ reassure.

1. I am struggling to imagine committing the next 15 or 17 years of my life to HE my children. I had expected that I would go back to earning in some capacity, can you work at all and HE? would I be effectively committing my life to being a mother? how did/do others feel about that?
2. I have only ever met a few people who HE. They seem lovely, with lovely children but they are a bit further along the hippy scale than me. I know this may seem a shallow concern but will my "normal" friends still like me if I HE and are there any other people who HE who are less hippy like (I?m trying to word carefully)? do you feel judged by others?
3. I don?t think I am academically bright enough to HE. I did OK at school but I have a lot of weaknesses, will I be able to teach them as well as school, especially in later years?
4. We live in a small village and we are already newbies, will we (me and the kids) be able to integrate into village life if we don?t go to the school or will we be outcasts? Does anyone have any experience of this? I realise this post makes it sound all about me. I think, in many ways, I feel like it goes without saying that this would be good, or even the best thing, for the kids but it feels like I would be making a big sacrifice for me, and that is what I am finding really difficult. Any advice would be very welcome.

I'm in favour of HE when people feel it's the right choice for their family, so please don't take this the wrong way, but are you actually sure that "it goes without saying" that this will be the best choice for your children? And, again excuse the bluntness, but is your DH in the habit of deciding that you ought to do certain things because of his opinions? You thought that you'd agreed on the lovely village school, but somehow that has changed.

Anyway, to the specifics you mention -

1. starting HE doesn't automatically mean you have to continue with it until your youngest is 18 - many people dip in and out of the school system at different stages. Like any decision, you make it for now, but that doesn't mean the world won't change and that it will always seem the right choice for then.

Work - in theory, you can combine HE and paid work, but it depends on things like what your job/skills are, what hours your DH works, what other childcare you have access to. It does delay any return to a "career", and restricts you to job choices that you can make work round your family committments. But that's not that different to having children in (primary) school anyway, as its tricky to get jobs which fit round school hours and holidays, so it's not a lot worse.

1. HErs vary, some are more "alternative" in general, but hopefully they'll still be nice and welcoming. Some people will judge you for doing anything unusual though, and you do have to develop a thick skin to deal with rudeness and ignorance.

1. Don't worry about your own educational background - as they get older, you don't "teach" them things that you already know, you help them to find things out for themselves. Teaching them the skills to find and evaluate information is more important than transferring facts from your head to theirs.

1. It depends a bit on the village, but you'll have to put a lot of extra effort into fitting in if you don't slot into a "niche" by having children in the school. That doesn't mean you won't be able to do it, but that you will have a label above your head which is "different" by making a choice to do something unusual, and you'll have to work to get past that in people's eyes, whereas you would have a "school mum" label if you do the expected thing, which has its pros and cons too. If you are not a very social person, then finding ways to fit yourself into village life could be a struggle. I'm not social at all, and live in a village - being a school mum gave me a link to others in a similar situation which allowed me to make "aquaintances" if not actual friends. (I HEd for a couple of years when DS was older, so have experienced both school and HE)

Overall, HE is great if it's what you want to do, and are happy to take the cons with the pros. But I'm not sure that you personally are feeling that the village school would be a bad option - your DH seems to have some clear opinions, but the state don't actually "raise your child" by you choosing to put them into school for part of each day - your home life will still be the major input to their values for a long time yet. He sounds a little controlling tbh, and I'd have some concerns just how much this is about maintaining control over you and the children, rather than it being the "best" option for either you or the children. (Apologies if I am misreading from a short description of course!)

Totally agree with what MuminScotland has said. If it is down to you to do the HE, you need to be totally 100% with the decision. It does sound as if you are not and it is a huge commitment. If school doesn't work, you can always think again but there doesn't really seem to be any reason why it shouldn't. Good luck with your decision.

If you have loved being a SAHM, I bet you will also love home educating. So I think it could be a good idea to try it. It doesn't have to be a big commitment! If you are unsure, it's better to try it for a while and see how you get on. It is not difficult to move in and out of school.

However, it certainly is your decision because it is going to be you who is doing it, and you shouldn't feel pushed into it just because your dh thinks it's a good idea. If he is really zealous about home ed and you aren't keen on being the one to do it, then perhaps the two of you could swap roles so he can home educate the children. My only worry about trying home ed would be this: is the lovely village school oversubscribed - will you lose your daughter's place there if you home educate? That would make it a bit of a risk.

Re your concern about finding people like you who home educate. I'm generalising wildly here, but I have found that the people who choose HE from the outset are more "alternative". However, you can take comfort from the fact that a great many people end up home educating through no choice of their own, which means there will also be plenty of very average people doing it. I'm referring here to parents whose children are really severely unhappy at school. If a child has been very badly bullied or his special needs have not been met, to the point that he becomes suicidal or is chronically ill or self-harms, even the most "mainstream" parents may feel that home education is the only option to save their child. Such parents often turn up at home ed groups saying, "I'm the last person in the world who would think of home educating, but there's no other option. So here I am, and we'll have to make the best of it. Whatever happens, it can't be worse than what my child has suffered at school."

If my theory about that is right, then you'll find that many of the people enthusing about the prospect of home educating their three year old are also deep in discussions about co-housing and knitting socks. However, a larger proportion of the parents of older children are more mainstream. That does seem to hold true among the people I know. It doesn't stop us getting along with each other, however!

Ditto the above. It definitely needs to be a decision you both agree with, as although HE is great, it can also be hard work, and if your heart's not in it, it won't be of any benefit to you or your dcs. As said above, you don't have to commit to doing it for the long term, you can take it day by day and send the kids back to school whenever you like. Or you could let dd start school, and you can always take her out for HE later on if you want to. We've been HE-ing from the start and are loving it, and I'm with your DH on the fact we don't want the State raising ourI kids! As for people being judgemental - yes they can be, but then people will always judge you on everything. I guess you just need to be confident in your choices and sod what anyone else thinks. Yes there are alternative people who HE, but lots of others who aren't (we aren't!) I work from home at the moment, so I can work in the evenings or weekends quite easily. But it can be hard if you want to go back out to work, and your DH would need to be supportive of this too, possibly by cutting his hours to work part-time. I do think that it has to be a joint decision with your DH though, and if you've got these doubts, then it's not right for you at least for the time being. You and your needs are important too!

Thanks for the reponses. It of course does make sense that HE is only right for our family if it is right for me too and it is this that I am trying to work through in my mind. I can easily imagine the joy I would get from spending more time with my children. I think 4 is so young to start school and for my dd to be away from me and that is much of what motivates me to consider HE, it is the long term commitment that I haven't got my head around.

The part about "it goes without saying" is really that I don't think I need convincing of the benefits for the children. In theory I am very pro HE, it is just the idea of doing it myself in practise that I struggle with.

I also take your point about my DH. He does have very strong opinions and he strongly feels HE would be the best thing for our children. He isn't trying to control us and bend us to his will for no reason, he has sound rational justifications for wanting the family to be the centre of the childrens lives and mostly I agree with them. I think he thinks I would enjoy HE (which I probably would). The problem is that it isn't him that would have to do it, it is me, and I am just not sure I can handle the potential social affect it would have on me but that would be a very selfish reason not to do it, hence my dilema.

We're definitely not alternative and have been doing it since the start, like a few people we know! But yes, I guess that can be true that HE-ers doing it from the start are doing it for philosophical reasons rather than that they're forced into it because of problems at school. Yes, find out if the school is over subscribed. Or when does your DD turn 5? I think you can ask them to hold the place until one of the key dates after she turns 5? Maybe, not sure. HE is good fun but you definitely need to at least want to try it, and you shouldn't feel pushed into it.

Maybe you could talk to other HE-ers in your area about it? There might be some local groups who would make you feel more secure in your decision to HE. I agree with you that 4 is way too young to start school. Our dd would have started reception last sept but doesn't turn 5 till this August.

Having done school for so long and having been a newbie in a small village my one concern would be isolation. I too have always been sahm. We now live in a large town and have friends here. FWIW there is no way I would have considered HE for our older ds's when we lived in the village. What the local school had in favour was it was the heart of the community and unless you were prepared to drive all the time along with the church your families life really revolved around this. Most of the children lived very local and if this is the same in your village your dcs will want friends to play with. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm putting you off, but I think its important to be honest. Also you sound like you were happy with the situation. If it were me I would send dc to school and see how it goes. You can always leave if it doesn't suit. Also it will give you time to get to know your neighbours and other parents whom you never know you might need to rely on at some time. Then maybe your d/h could do p/t HE too, giving you time to have a p/t job

I'm a hippy and have a 19 year old son with long hair who has never been to school and hasn't done any exams. Home ed is the best thing I ever did.

However

I home educated in the middle of a big city AND my son isn't bothered about spending time with children his own age at all.

In a village I do have to say I think you'd be stumped if you had a very gregarious offspring and all the other children went into school every day. Or else you'd spend your whole life in the car chasing social opportunities. Maybe I'm biased because I think girls are more yearning to spend time with children their own age?

We take our home ed a year at a time. We've just decided to continue through the next school year.
Could you perhaps cope with thinking about it in that way - carrying on teaching your child for an extra year is not as daunting as thinking about teaching them until they leave school.
My kids are older now and the eldest will be starting GCSE's within the next couple of years (or whatever Gove replaces them with ) and I do admit that I have days where I wonder if I am doing the right thing. But then they do something that amazes me, or I see the looks on their faces as they realise they can do something they didn't think they'd be able to and I know why I'm doing this.

I was at a point where I couldn't go back to the work I'd done before due to a change in regulations and so I figured that actually this was only a few years out of my life and I would be able to look at doing things for myself once they're older. Now we are getting to a point where I am seriously considering part time study again as they need me less for their school work than they used to, so I am considering what I would like to do for the last half of my working life.

As for being alternative, the home edders I've met have range from the totally hippy dippy to the totally normal people you'd meet on the street and everyone in between. I still have all the friends I used to have (with one notable exception who seemed to think I was critizing her choice of education by pulling my DC out of school ).

I have found that people don't automatically dismiss me as much for being a SAHM when I say I home educate, and it often opens the door to long conversations :)

My word I have wittered on haven't I? Feel free to message me if you want to ask about anything :)

We started off homeschooling as pretty much run of the mill, but having had time and space to pursue things we wanted to do, we are now pretty much hippies. It is our dream/goal now to opt out, buy a small holding and be as self sufficient as we can be. The freedom homeschooling gives you and your family is pretty addictive!

I have also found that homeschooling has somehow validated my sahm status, and my family dont do the face quite so often, nor ask me when Im going back to work.

As far as concerns about teaching your dc go, I really wouldn't worry so much. There is great support out there, even online schooling, and ready made curricula.

Homeschooling has taken over my life to some extent, but I am not unhappy with that at all. I do spend time late at night working on things for the dc to do, keeping track of what we have done, and what we need to do, and developing materials for them.

Could your dh homeschool the children and you go back to work, since he really wants them to be homeschooled?

As people have said above, you're not signing up for a life long commitment. Take it a year at a time perhaps. I always said I'd HE as long as both the child and I were both happy - my 4 are gradually going off to school as they grow up, and that is probably best for us, lol!

I also do some very part-time work as a maths tutor, and thinking about HE families I know, well over half, maybe 2/3, of the SAH/HEing parents do some sort of part time work.

Academically I'm sure you'll be fine - primary school isn't that demanding ;-)

I stumbled in here from Active convos thinking this was a Higher Education thread. Oh well!

I don't know anything about HE but I don't think you're being selfish to think of yourself. It isn't going to do your DC any good if you end up doing something you're not happy about because your DH says so.

Is your DH so strongly committed to HE that he would give up his job to HE and have you become the primary earner? No? Thought not.

Hi Mummyinthemiddle,

You've already been given lots of excellent food for thought.

I too think that 4 is too young for some children to start school. For this reason DH and I are planning to HE our DDs for a few years and then review things when they get to 7 or 8. We're likely to be living overseas at this stage anyway. HE for us will probably only be temporary. I'm not the academic type either but I will be fine with teaching basic maths, reading and writing etc.

You've mentioned a couple of times about the long term commitment of HE- but it doesn't have to be. There's nothing wrong with putting school off for a year or so or until you feel your DD is ready.

As for the hippy thing- I go to a couple of groups and there are varying degrees of hippiness. I don't consider myself alternative really, but I've never felt criticised by other HE parents. Try going along to a group and see what they're like :)

I live in a village and DD's friends from playgroup are going to the village school. Her best friend's mum, who I am very good friends with, has not criticised my decision to HE at all- she's been quite supportive actually and has said that it's great that I am doing what I feel suits my DD best. I think it's helped that I haven't criticised her decision to send her DS to school. I think it will suit him much better than it would suit my DD. DD will still be able to play with her friends at weekends and after school, and see her HE friends during the day, although we do have to travel to see them.

Sorry, I'm just rambling now! Hope that helps a bit anyway.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. There is a lot of food for thought here and quite a few things I hadn't previously considered, that have resonated, in particular the freedom angle. I hate the idea of our lives being taken over by the academic calendar (we were told in the parents morning thing that they are "unable to authorise holiday time for any child with less than a 95% attendance record" - that just makes me bristle) and whilst this isn't a stand-alone reason to HE it certainly make HE more appealing

The village school is oversubscribed so I suspect if we don't start this year we will lose our place there, however we are only renting in the village at the moment so may not stay here for forever anyway.

BTW I think hippies are great! my only concern is not being a fully-fledged hippy that I won't "fit in".

I have a lot to think about.

If it is your DH who is so keen at HE have you considered the option of you sharing it between you ? If he were to work part time and you also then you would both get to take part in the HE. It is what we do and I think it is the best option (for us at least) in that neither parent has sole responsibility for HE. It is a big ask to do it on your own I think. I like the fact that I get days on my own with the kids, and also days away doing something else entirely. And the kids benefit from two different approaches and 2 different skill sets.

And as others have said - it doesn't have to be a whole school life decision. I have friends who HE theirs for a varying number of primary school years, and all their children are now happily reintegrated in the school system and seemingly doing fine and are happy.

However, having said that - we took ours out of the school system at roughly end of KS1 and are finding we are diverging more and more from the national curriculum so would probably find it harder to reintegrate.

By the way - we are by no stretch of the imagination hippies, but I guess we are not "normal" either.

You could argue that being HE gives you more time to get to know the other villagers, and doesn't preclude you from joining in village activities (if that is what you enjoy). You will miss out on the playground contact with other parents (which some may view as a good thing !). I guess it depends how much the village kids play out together, outside of the school influence.