Home schooling strong willed teenagers

[Colleger]

Says it all really. I'm starting in September and I'm more concerned about battles as my son (11) and I are both pretty headstrong.

I'd love to know how people cope and the strategies they use to discipline.

In your shoes, I'd move from a "discipline" top-down approach, to a consent-based team approach asap.

moving to HE is a great moment to do it, because it's a natural transition.

And the new dynamic will last for the rest of your life, where a disciplinarian one won't.

Read into unschooling, taking children seriously, unconditional parenting, mindful parenting, how to talk so kids will listen, non-violent communication etc etc

And enjoy the ride!

Based on the argument this morning he's requested boarding school rather than home ed!

What sorts of things do you argue over? I'm wondering if some of the issues that cause stress for parents of schooled children (homework, getting up and to school on time, school grades - I've been there!) wouldn't be an issue if he was out of school.

Computer bans....

Unban it.

Why? So he can behave inappropriately and there are no consequences?

I have a strong willed 10yo (HE for 3years with his sister)
Try to take a more relaxed view. Talk with him (rather than argue at) about what he wants in life etc, then see how he might achieve those goals. His choices will motivate him more than yours if that makes sense.

Computers can be a fantastic learning tool and also a motivator!

So for example my ds might not be too keen to do his maths but if I suggest an hour on his favourite website that afternoon it helps!
We also never put the computer on before 3pm (usually) as time tends to disappear once it's on!!

In this house there are consequences but I try to aim for positive rewards/motivators for good behaviour more than discipline for bad if that makes sense.
I try to do activities that build on my relationship together with my dc (board games, cards, bike rides etc) - so they don't see me as taskmaster teacher disciplinarian etc! Last week we had enormous fun not just learning about Vikings but making things and then pretending to be Vikings - definately improved our (often tricky) relationship plus created happy memories!!

I'd say the key thing is the usual one - pick your battles. Don't dig your heels in when it's something that you would agree wasn't that important if you couted to ten first.

If his behaviour is inappropriate, then yes you need to make it clear that there are consequences - but ideally the consequence should relate to the behaviour. So, if he's looking at porn on his computer, or using it at 2 am, then the punishment being a computer ban makes sense. But if it's because he didn't wipe his feet and trailed mud through the house, then it isn't a consequence, but a punishment, and that's different.

Things won't automatically be worse between you because of the HE, but it's worth talking to him about what you hope will come out of it, and what the basic rules have to be - but you'll get further if you listen to what he wants out of it, and what rules he'd like to have too - negotiate where you can, so that you both feel you've understood each other, and only lay down the law when you can't see another option.

The HE may help instead of making things worse - once he's out of the stress of school, his behaviour may improve anyway - though not necessarily straight away!

I am convinced that HE would remove most of the stuff Ds and I fight over. He finds it v difficult to live by thousands of externally imposed arbitrary rules, and I just think that time unschooling might give him the ability to learn and impose his own rules internally, iykwim. So I am always nagging him to fit into the externally imposed timetable for his life. He doesn't want to get dressed and eat, and catch the bus, he wants to sit in his bed and read another fifteen chapters. He doesn't want me to decide what he's eating for breakfast and fuss and nag, he wants to come downstairs once he's finished his book and eat then. He doesn't want to get up at 6.45, he wants to sleep for another hour!

Most folk who remove the computer time restrictions find their dcs go mad for a month and then it loses the addictive appeal and just becomes another activity. I think it can be quite frustrating during the period when they are eat, sleep and drinking mario, and you are biting your tongue, but after that life gets less stressful!

I would look on it as an opportunity for him to learn to school himself, rather than for you to impose your routine onto him. Make it more of a partnership than a dictation exercise.

I'm lucky in that I am the only stubborn one in my family so we don't have many big blow-outs. Mind you, I leave people to do what they like in most things, so that makes it easier for them to want to go along with the few things I insist on. I agree that once you are home educating you may find there are fewer things to fight about. However, if you and your son are both strong-willed then I am sure you will find things to clash over!

What about declaring a holiday for a fixed period of time, during which you let things slide unless your son is treating you really terribly? And then after that, sit down with him to talk about how things are going and what changes you both feel need to be made? For example, you might feel that you want him to help you more with housework or refrain from playing loud music all day, and he might feel that he wants to be left to sleep later in the mornings and have the opportunity to do more sports because he is feeling a bit square-eyed and grotty.

I think it will take you a while to discover which things are actually going to be an issue for the two of you and what solutions work. You will probably find that once he's been out of school for a few months things feel different between you. I'm not sure it's possible to anticipate now how it will pan out.

I would need to know a bit more about your definition of "strong-willed". Do either of you have Aspergers for example?

Thanks for your replies.

Why would strong-willed = Aspergers?

My ds has a diagnoses of aspergers and is definately strongwilled!
Ds with plan in his head how he wants to spend the next hour (for example) so if I say actually we are going to the library now. That could trigger a meltdown because although he LOVES the library, it's an unexpected change of plan and no choice.

If I said 'i know you have a plan to do x but I'm thinking about y he is much more likely to comply because he will sense an element of choice/being in control.

Also people with aspergers tend to have fixed ideas on how and when things should be done - so 'teaching' him skills is very difficult.
Once my ds has an idea in his head it's very difficult to alter his opinion!!

Not suggesting your ds has aspergers just expanding on fionas comment - if my son was strong willed but did not have AS my strategies would be different. (my dd for example.....)

I hope that helps

I'll definitely use these strategies as I think they would be useful for any child with a strong personality. I didn't develop my strong will until I became an adult and my social skills are far too developed to have Aspergers.