Friendships

[Scout19075]

Just curious....

How have your friendships not your DC's, but yours, the adults/mothers been affected by your decision to home educate your children? I don't mean friends you've made in home ed groups but those people you called your friends either pre-DC or that you made through your DC (whether it be through school or their extra-curricular activities)?

My family (both my family and MrScout's) have been fully supportive of our decision to keep Toddler out of nursery and, as he gets older, keep him out of school. Most of my friends have been supportive, though some more vocal in their support than others. A couple don't fully understand it but accept it's our right to do what we think is best for Toddler (and, to the wider extent, what's best for our family). A couple of have made comments like "you can't do that" and "Toddler will be weird" but I've been able to brush those comments aside.

But I'm struggling with one particular friend who is really pushing nursery (I've had a moan on here about her before). After another blind-side by her at a mum & tots group today, pushing nursery and asking if we have Toddler's name down anywhere, I've realized that as much as I love my friend, no matter how wonderful I think she is and how much she loves Toddler (he's like an adopted grandchild to her), I'm starting to dread situations where we might have one-to-one conversation for fear of her bringing up nursery again. It's getting tiring being on my guard around her all of the time. I don't want to push her aside it takes a village to raise a child and I think it's good for Toddler to have such a close "friend" of her generation locally (my PiL live two hours away and my parents live an eight hour plane ride away) but it seems like nothing I say deters her. Since we'll soon no longer have our volunteerism in common (she's "retiring" and I'm taking a year off due to medical reasons) our conversations focus more and more on Toddler (fine) and as he gets older his schooling (even though we had told her we were "thinking" of home educating Toddler and that we're not going to put him into nursery). I'm thinking, although sadly, that I might have to slowly "phase her out" (as much as I hate the phrase and I hate doing it) because I can't take the stress of deflecting the questions and I'm not sure I want her pushing the subject with Toddler (he has friends that go to nursery or will be going so isn't living an insular life) as he's getting older.

Is this common? Is there a way around it?

In what way does she push nursery? Can't you just say 'I'm not sending him to nursery, we're going to home ed'. I'd have thought that would be the end of the nursery conversation really. My friends have been positive when I've told them about it, they have asked why, I usually say 'because it suits us' I'd only get into a more in depth conversation if I felt like it. I wouldn't debate my child's education with anyone, I don't need them to agree with my decision and I certainly wouldn't discuss my reasons over and over again with the same person.

Would it be possible just to say to her directly "we are definitely going to home educate"? I pussyfooted around with my mum and in retrospect it was a mistake because it led her to think that it was somehow undecided in the sense of my being open to persuasion.

I have said "we're not sending him to nursery" and it still comes up. And by pushing I mean it's "Have you chosen a nursery for Toddler?" and "Have you put Toddler's name down for nursery yet? All of the good nurseries have waiting lists" and "you might think he's too young for nursery but you need to get his name on a list."

Because Toddler is really a toddler (only 2.6) with other mums at groups I get away with dodging the question ("oh, we're enjoying being home together" and "no, we're not sending him to nursery now, he's still just a baby really"). I never knock a person's decision to send their child (often Toddler's peers) to nursery or to day care on the basis of they're doing what they feel is right for their family just as I'm doing what's right for mine.

With my family, and to think about it most of my friends, I've said "We're going to home educate" and the response has been positive. It's just a couple of friends, those of a certain generation, I approached it with "we're thinking of" rather than "we are" because I knew the response I'd get. But when I do say "this is what we're doing/not doing" I get a lot of like what I said in my op.

It's funny -- we took Toddler to several windmills this weekend for National Mills weekend (a current obsession of Toddler's) where most of the volunteers were retired gentlemen. Several of them, at different mills, asked me if Toddler was in a nursery or playgroup. I simply answered "no" and every single gentleman who asked said something like "Good for you. Babies should be home with their mothers and you're doing a wonderful thing." And here's my friend, of the same age, trying to get me to push my boy out the door.

She might just think she's being helpful, especially if she thinks you're not sure about nursery. If you just say 'but we're not sending him to nursery' whenever she mentions good places or waiting lists I'm sure she'll get the message. I find if I sound decisive about something people are less likely to interfere offer advice.

Most OK. One really difficult - and still difficult 5 years on.

Most of my friends were a bit when I first took the girls out of school. But in time, they realised that the girls were happy (and still normal, didn't grow two heads or anything ) and that I wasn't criticising their choice to send their children to school. It's a complete non issue now. They accept it as completely normal.

But one of my friends, who had been virtually my closest friend for years, still has trouble with it. Her DD is very good friends with my DD1 and has been since they were very small. When I took DD1 out of school at 12, she took it very badly. I really don't know why as the girls weren't even at the same school. She makes endless sarcastic comments, even now, and it gets very wearing. I spent hours arguing my corner at the beginning but now I just ignore it. I won't change how she views it and I just don't have the energy.

The sad thing is, I don't see her so much any more. It used to be fun, now it's just hard work and I need to be in a thick-skin frame of mind. I really still don't understand what the problem is or why it upset her so much. If I asked her why, she would deny there is any issue, but the snide jibes and odd remarks show there clearly is.

Your friend might come round over time. But sadly, I suspect you may end up phasing her out.

Interesting all those gentlemen said 'home with their mothers' though, not 'parents' - indicates to me that they weren't at home with their toddlers but they liked the idea of someone else being with them. Maybe your friend was at home with toddlers and felt trapped and frustrated by it, and doesn't want you to feel the same way?

Yeah. I have a few friends that I'm losing at the moment. One has a radically different parenting approach and keeps asking leading questions about 'how it's going' like I need to be teaching my 4 yo for hours every day, as though she's trying to figure out whether to 'tell on me' or something stupid like that. She seems to think her opinion is law. So I'm creating distance between us.

My other friend, who is childless, told me I'm making a huge mistake because children only learn manners and how to be part of society by going to school. She also said DD should be in school by age 6. I assume this is because her parents are teachers. I don't think we'll see each other much any more.

I don't mind because I have lots of lovely new HE friends who form my support network and other friends who DON'T criticise me (either implicitly or aloud). I tried with the negative people but they made it difficult by bringing it up all the time and making me feel judged. If we could have an interaction which didn't involve HE I'd say we could be friends, but I don't think they're capable of that, plus it is a huge part of my life now so I end up talking about things we've done, which only leads to questions about HE again.

I think if you want to stay friends the only way around it is 'I'm not really happy talking about that, please don't bring it up again'. (But I'm a wuss and can't do that!)

I think maybe I am not getting the full picture from your post, Scout. To me as a casual outsider this doesn't sound like such a big deal, so I am confused that it is a big deal to you.

It sounds like your friend is being rather persistent at the moment because she hasn't yet accepted that you really and truly aren't going to send Toddler to nursery, but she hasn't been overly critical of your decision (yet).

You describe your friend as being very lovely. I can't understand why you are seriously thinking of letting go of the friendship just because she keeps bringing up an awkward subject. Surely the two of you will get past this once she sees that you aren't going to change your mind?

Have you said firmly to her, "No no, you've misunderstood. He isn't GOING to nursery, not at all. We aren't going to send him."? It might take a few repetitions but I would think she will get the picture eventually.

I'm not trying to have a go or anything, I think I am just not getting the full picture of why you are on the verge of ditching a lovely friend over this.

"keeps asking leading questions about 'how it's going' like I need to be teaching my 4 yo for hours every day, as though she's trying to figure out whether to 'tell on me' "

zebidee this friend of mine is just like that. She came round for coffee one day and DD1 was hoovering. She gave a rather loud false laugh and said "oh, I didn't realise home education meant slave labour! I really ought to report you to the NSPCC."

I said I thought the NSPCC had more to worry about than whether my teenager was doing 10 minutes of hoovering (!) and left it at that. But this is the kind of thing I get constantly, often said as if it's in jest but with a rather nasty undercurrent. I'm just fed up with it now. .

Luckily I have lots of other friends who are supportive. You too will get lots of other friends, OP, and once you are home educating will know so many other people in the same boat it will be a non issue. This is probably the most difficult stage, when people still think they can change your mind.

Saracen, don't worry, I'm confused to! I think I wrote the OP in frustration after just being blind-sided again. I mean, we were at a parent & tot group enjoying the toys and crafts and snacks, having a perfectly pleasant hour with other toddlers and mums & grandmothers (friend is a volunteer at the tot group). I hadn't heard any other mums talking about nursery or school and she just came out with "Have you put Toddler's name down yet?" I just wanted to enjoy a cup of tea and mindless adult chatter while Toddler played with toys we don't have at home.

Yes, I agree with everyone who have said she probably hasn't accepted my decision and/or she thinks she can change my mind. In a way I wonder why she thinks she has to (other than the fact she's told me I can't do that to TS and I'd make him weird by doing that to him). I mean, on the one hand she was so thrilled when I told her I wasn't going back to work but on the other hand she's trying to convince me that I should be pushing my baby out the door after she was telling me I should be home with my baby.

I think I just need to get more assertive in my "no" because obviously my "no" isn't strong enough. I'm just tired of "fighting it off" because it's starting to feel like I am every time I see her, which is sometimes several times a week.

I don't expect everyone to jump up and down in excitement over our decision for Toddler but I do wish people would just respect it.

I have a support network of HE-edders locally so Toddler will see that it's a perfectly acceptable choice (he also has friends who are/will be going to nursery and school). He loves his "big friends" (his school-aged home educated friends) and they are friends he wouldn't have if we hadn't made this decision. I'm hoping it'll be easier when Toddler's school aged and I don't have to deal with "have you got his name on a list" any more.

Musicposy my kids are at school but frequently Hoover, sometimes they even argue over who will do it.

Education is very emotional. People often feel threatened if you do something different to them, so this could be where the nursery comments are coming from, maybe she feels unsure whether she did the right things ending hers to nursery (or even wishes she had had more opportunities for nursery).

(I'm lurking as we have an issue with our youngest, andthe solution maybe HE.)

I do think you need to develop a bit more robustness about this sort of thing unless you plan to more in entirely HE circles from now on!

Just say "No, he won't be going to any nursery, it's not compulsory, you know! Shall we go to the park now?"

My two didn't go to nursery, although they aren't HEd and I got the same sort of comments sometimes.

Scout, could there be a different perspective? Could she be concerned about you or DS? You mention taking time off work for medical reasons, is she worried you have too much on your plate? Just a thought, could be totally wrong!

I wouldn't withdraw from a close friendship without having a chat about what I thought was the issue. I would open up a bit about my feelings and ask if I was right that they disagreed with my choices, maybe just talk it through and then clarify my position.

To me you sound a little bit defensive, like she's pushing a button of yours. I feel a bit confused too, it doesn't seem that difficult a situation to deal with but you're having a real emotional reaction. I get like that often too, it's always something I need to sort out in myself.

I also have a 2.8 yr DS that I am thinking of home educating, hence major lurking on this board!

"No" is a completely sentence.

Is he going to nursery?

"No"

You don't have to engage in a debate with her or justify your choices. He's your DC.

However, I would keep this issue separate from the rest of your friendship. I certainly don't agree with many of my friends on lots of things but I respect they have their opinion, and I don't accept any disrespect of mine.