Accept school place now or HE from the start? I need advice!

[SugarPeaSnap]

I am seeking the advice of some wise HErs who've been around the block on this, and either sent their children to school in Reception and regretted it, or maybe have experience of HEing a shy, socially anxious child. I change my mind on an almost daily basis as to whether I should accept the school place that has been offered to my DS, and as I can't look into a crystal ball and know how he will get on in school, I'm resorting to asking you lovely people for advice. Some background:

My DS has always been very bright and started becoming extremely socially anxious at around 18mo. For a while it completely controlled my life, but now he is far far more confident than he was, but then I have also become highly adapted to him and adept and meeting his needs. I providing a balance of solitude, time 1:1 with me and other trusted family adults as well as a good mix of meeting up with other families he's beginning to feel comfortable around but with no expectation that he joins in and plays with the other kids until he feels ready. He's one of those children people would describe as slow to warm up. He's an observer, and is cautious of people he doesn't know and uncomfortable with unpredictability, hence was scared of his peers at the toddler stage. He has one best friend that he's known since birth that he loves and plays brilliantly with, this child will be starting school full time in Sept - not the one my DS would get into. He also has a fantastic loving relationship with his two year old sister, and has unique and special relationships with each of his grandparents. I started looking into Home Ed about two years ago as I was naturally beginning to think that this child would not cope well in school. As an ex primary teacher I can imagine all the situations that would overwhelm him. He's inquisitive, incredibly imaginative, chatty (with me!) completely motivated and never bored so seems the perfect candidate for a happy unschooling life. BUT.....

Last year he started attending a Montessori pre school, and after getting over the initial separation anxiety, he loves it. He seems to thrive on the structure, has loved forming connections with the wonderful teachers who completely accept him for who he is and he is an environment which is endlessly fascinating, calm and secure where he also has a lot of autonomy. Although he's not really made any friends there, he still gains a sense of belonging which I think is important to him.

And I am having concerns about the HE thing too. As someone who doesn't adapt easily to new situations DS doesn't want to participate in lots of the interesting one off events that get organised in our area. I've made some lovely friends through exploring the HE network locally in the past year, but I would say DS is happier at home with me, and at pre school than he is at any of the HE meet ups we've gone to. I've had a few experiences of him being around quite physical and pushy boys, with parents who don't do much to make things feel safe, and that is absolutely the worst thing for my DS. Its as if it confirms for him that people are scary and unpredictable and to be avoided. So I'm worried that it will be hard to meet enough of the right folk for him to feel good around. He's happy rubbing alongside others in preschool where they're supposed to be getting on with their work because I think it allows him to learn about others from a safe place, but throw him into the woods with a lots of boys playing with sticks and climbing on tree stumps and he gets anxious, territorial and tense. So in a way I'm thinking that he would fare better in school in that you often work in pairs where you have clear roles and objectives for a task and that would support him in working with others, especially if he had a sensitive teacher who 'got him'.

BUT.... of course you are all well versed in the buts. The long hours, the play ground, the smells, the noise, all too much sensory overload. Plus that feeling that you're always part of The Herd at the swimming pool or the zoo at weekends and holidays. Yuck. And he's sooo aware and questioning, he would be asking me WHY, do I have to go to school, and I'm not sure I could give him a good answer. But basically I'm worried about us becoming socially isolated if he stays at home. Every day I change my mind about what to do. Today he skipped off to preschool knowing he was going to be learning about herbivores and carnivores and the food chain as happy as a pig in muck, but he also had hours of blissful painting and chatting and lego at grandmas all afternoon. oh why, oh why can't things stay as they are?

Sorry it was so long, and thanks for reading to the end if you made it.
Any words of wisdom greatly received. Its decision time and I need to be clear to him about whats happening next year as everyones talking about schools and I can't keep covering his ears and diverting! x

Okay, just throwing out some random thoughts here, but...

Have you looked at all the schools in the area, including independent and free schools? It might be that some are markedly different to others in terms of atmosphere and how they help children to settle in.

Would it be possible for him to stay at the preschool right up until the term before he turns 5? Depending on when his birthday is that might give him an extra 1 or 2 terms to mature (sorry, that sounds like he's a cheese or something! You know what I mean.)

Are there any people in the home school network who have children of a similar/younger age or similar temperament who you could arrange regular meetings with? Then at the group things, there is more likelihood of him knowing some of the children there which might help him feel a bit more confident.

Would you consider moving, perhaps somewhere which has a Montessori (or similar type) primary school if there isn't one in your area? Some of the newer free schools might be the kind of thing you are looking for (Can PM details of a very HE/flexischooling-friendly school in Warwickshire area if interested)

Ultimately, if there are no other options which jump out as a great solution, I would just try it and see how he goes. He might surprise you - I was really worried about DS starting nursery because he's always been so anxious around other children, but actually he loves it, and even times like this morning, we got there late and his class were lining up to have their photos taken in the hall, and I kind of had to shimmy him onto the end of the line and take his coat and bookbag off him to sort them out whereas he would normally do that before saying goodbye as part of his routine. A few months ago, I'd never have been able to do that because he would have utterly panicked and gone into meltdown, but although he did ask me to stay, I kind of waved him off with a "Look! The line's going now!" and he went off perfectly happily. I asked him about it at bedtime and he said he felt a bit worried but he was okay.

If you are right and he doesn't get on well with it, you can always take him out. There's no rule which says his education must be in a school, and although the HE meetups sound like they might be a problem in the short term, long term he will develop the skills and confidence to be able to cope with them. If there are any negative effects from school, they are NOT going to be permanent if you recognise them and help him with strategies to deal with it, whether that's within school, taking a break, or taking him out altogether. There is no harm at all in trying something and seeing how you get on.

Thank you for taking the time to reply Bertie. Its reassuring to hear about your son. Moving not possible, we have just done a very monumental international move to be closer to family and are definitely staying put!
Your final piece of advice leaps out at me, and does seem to make sense. Maybe its not so much a 'will he, won't he like it' decision, as much as a which lifestyle do we really want decision. I agree with you about preparing to be surprised. When you have such a high need sensitive child its easy to get into the trap of predicting so many situations as stressful and to end up avoiding them, but at the same time you always have to allow space for them to surprise you too. Thanks for your input!

I agree with a lot of what Bertie says. If your son is doing really well with the current set-up, it makes sense to try to continue with something similar. The challenge is in trying to find a way to replace the role that preschool plus his soon-to-be-busy best friend now play in his life, is that right? A small caring school might be a good fit. Or, what about combining HE with one or more quite structured activities (maybe martial arts or a language class or science sessions - could be HE or after-school) plus individual playdates? Don't forget that your son may get on brilliantly with older, calmer, more predictable kids. His friends don't have to be the same age as him.

But I am not so enthusiastic about the idea of just trying a "normal" busy school to see how it goes. The trouble with this plan is that once you have begun it is very hard to stop before things are really really terrible. If your son is only moderately unhappy at school, everyone will tell you he is just settling in and you need to give it a bit longer, and for that matter you may wonder yourself whether it is wise to jump ship when you've already invested so much time and energy in school so far and things MAY improve. Six weeks isn't enough to know, they will say. Then toward the end of the first term you will be told that ALL the children are totally knackered and the Christmas chaos is unsettling, and you mustn't give up yet. Things will be better after Christmas. After Christmas, he won't yet have made the adjustment back to school after the holidays, so don't take him out now. When you are later on into the first year, people will say that Reception is rather chaotic and Year One will be calmer, so wait until Year One. The new teacher may "get him" better in Year One. Once Y1 has begun, well, it takes everyone a while to adjust to Year One and the different way of working and the new teacher, so that isn't the best time to pull him out either. Do you see what I mean? It seems so easy to get swept along with it. I know very few people who have withdrawn children from school before things had become truly awful. And then it CAN have longer-lasting effects if the child has been quite traumatised by school. Not forever, but it wouldn't be a good thing to do to a child. So I think if in doubt, don't risk the type of school which you think might be disastrous.

The worst that can happen if you send your son to a school which is a very bad fit for him is that he will be traumatised by the experience. The worst that can happen if you home ed is that he may be somewhat bored and rather lonely and you may later decide to send him to school. I know which risk I would rather take. Unless you can find a school which is a lot like your son's nursery, I think you should wait.

Hello! Your post sounds so familiar to me- we're in a very similar position with DD1, who's also 4- very high need as a baby and toddler, sensitive, bright wee girl who is incredibly chatty with other adults but just doesn't seem to "get" other children particularly. Tried nursery at 3 for 2 mornings a week- total disaster. Tried a different nursery a year later at age 4 and she was stoical but thoroughly miserable. For eight weeks. So we decided to home ed, and so far it has been one of the best decisions we've made- after 6 months she seems entirely comfortable in her own skin again. Every now and then she wonders what it would be like to go to nursery but an hour at a playgym usually reminds her what it feels like being surrounded by other children! We also have DD2 who's only 2, but she's beginning to turn into a playmate, and great for learning to share with.
We don't do home ed meet-ups yet, as there are still plenty of local preschoolers around to meet up with, but after the summer when they all go into reception I'm planning to make contact with some, as well as increasing the extra-curricular groups so that she mixes with the other local children at ballet and Rainbows etc. We're also planning to pop into HesFes in the summer to introduce DD to the idea that not all children go to school (even though she already happily announces "I'm home educated actually" to anyone who'll listen- aaaargh!)
We have had such a lovely relaxed household since we took this decision and I have absolutely no regrets so far... (extremely early days for us too!) Removing the spectre of school just solved so many issues all at once for our whole family- I highly recommend it!!

DD2 was a child who didn't really cope well with situations where there were lots of children. We tried preschool but in the end gave up. I was working and my Mum was being called so often because DD2 was still screaming at 11am it got impossible. If ever we asked her why she didn't like it, all she would say was "I don't like childrens." It became a bit of a staple phrase of hers. So she never did preschool.

She did start school and settled reasonably well. She lasted for four years there. From the start I was constantly called in because she wouldn't play with the others. Once I was called in because they'd been doing a computer task in pairs. She point blank refused. She said "I'll do it on my own or I won't do it at all." The teachers were never happy over her socialization.

But the more they pushed, the worse it got. She would rip up party invites so I didn't make her go. She started saying some alarming things, such as when she was an adult she was never leaving the house, would do all her shopping online etc. In Year 4 they put her in with Year 5 and 6 as she was academically ahead. But emotionally she was light years behind her peers and she could not cope. She was so unhappy we decided to take her out of school.

She is now 12 and it was the best decision we ever made. She has so many friends! For ages she wouldn't hear of meeting anyone else. She isolated herself at home for a long time when she came out of school -certainly over 4 months. But then she started to be interested in going to a few things, tentatively. She now spends her life in a social whirl, with constant sleepovers, parties, shopping trips, you name it.

I still suspect she would not thrive in school. But I have every faith that she will go as an adult into the big wide world, find a job that suits her personality, and be very happy.

If I could go back I would never have sent her to school. They tried to force her into socialising, and yet, they were going all the wrong way about it. Once all the pressure was off she did it for herself. If your DS is happy at home with you, why not just let him be happy at home with you? It's a radical thought in this day and age, but I think children get what they need when they need it. My bet is that he won't still be hanging around at home every day at 18, however much you allow him to do so now. I also strongly believe that independence is borne of security. I've seen that with my own eyes.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I see your point Saracen - I would be inclined to say if he's not settling in at school to take him out straight away, it was very obvious in DS's case that despite my concerns he took to it straight away, seemed happy there, and wanted to go. But I also agree it would have been difficult to cope with pressure from others had he not taken to it well.

Wow, lots of food for thought, thank you all.
Things have progressed a bit since I last posted in that had a chat with DS's Montessori teacher. She agreed when I suggested it to her, that he has lots of Aspergers traits (didn't mention that in my original post) and went on to offer him another year at Montessori, and said she thought HE could be brilliant for him! It felt like such a relief to hear a professional who really knows and understands my son confirm that my instincts were right and that mainstream full time school just doesn't seem like a good fit. She proposed going for a diagnosis, but I'm not sure about that yet, if you are going to HE is there any need?
Saracen I can so see what you predict being the case, in that with going down the school route you are likely to hang in until things are really bad. And musicposy what you wrote about your daughter ripping up party invitations, I can so see my son doing that. He gets so angry when put in a social situation where he's out of his depth, and very very defensive. Independence is borne of security, I think I need to put that on my fridge to remind me I'm on the right path.
I still feel a bit wobbly about how this will all pan out in the long term, but feel much better about taking on the role of being an advocate for my child and place myself firmly in charge of what's best for him, rather than nervously offering him up to school and worrying about my relationship with teacher, his with the teacher, how is he being perceived, etc etc.

Thank you for your contributions x

I've long suspected that DD2 has some Aspergers traits, especially with the whole social thing. I think the reason home ed is so good for her is that she can take the social side on her terms - she's not forced into it for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week.

She tends to talk "at" you a lot, if that makes sense. Conversations are much more one sided than with DD1. She gets very intense and obsessed over things. It makes for brilliant educational work because she's always happy to read or write reams as long as it's about the latest thing. At the moment it's Skylanders (a computer game). She's always very much into "boys" toys - she likes the statistical and sciency stuff. She's into the sciences in a big way. I think she likes things she can order. When she was very young I sometimes got quite worried because everything would have to be done in a set routine or she would have the most monumental meltdowns.

I've never bothered getting her formally assessed. If she was in secondary school maybe she would need it. But at home, I can't see the point - to what end? She's very happy and she's thriving academically, emotionally and socially. I think it helps that home educated children are absolutely lovely as a breed and seem to accept quirkiness as part of people's natural diversity. Once you are out of school all these things become a non-issue. The one thing I always said about home ed is it has allowed her to just be normal. At school she was set apart both academically and emotionally. None of her home ed friends care about those things and so she has her childhood back.

I understand the worry about what school thinks. I was a school governor when I took DD2 out and it was hideously uncomfortable. But in the end you have to do what you think best for your child. You know them better than anyone else, after all. :)

"Once you are out of school all these things become a non-issue. The one thing I always said about home ed is it has allowed her to just be normal. At school she was set apart both academically and emotionally. None of her home ed friends care about those things and so she has her childhood back"

Well said Music
I agree 100%

In school you would definitely need the label to access the help needed. We didn't need it at all once we re out of the system. We just delivered the education personalised to each child, in a way that schools never could get close to.