6 weeks in and dc wants out.

[IslaValargeone]

We are 6 weeks back in school. DD is adamant she wants to be HE'd again, and is off today as she 'doesn't feel well'.
When we removed her the first time I felt confident I was doing the right thing, but we presumed it would be temporary and that when we moved house she would start school and it would all be peachy.
I thought we'd had quite a laid back year of HE, muddling our way through some Maths and English so she would'nt be too far behind, but she's actually ahead and losing the will to live during lessons.
She's missed playtimes due to other kids disruptive behaviour, been called a freaky wierdo bitch, had food spat at her at lunchtime by another kid. Although this would appear to be from a mixture of bad manners/a joke? rather than vindictiveness.
But this is school right? this is what I was criticised for protecting her against when she was HE'd, and she should just get used to it because life isn't all fluffy and la la la.
I am soo stressed about it I don't know what decision to make. Not least because we are now in a new area and I won't be able to slip under the radar once/if we deregister her.
Sorry it's such a ramble, all my gut feelings and confidence about what I'm doing have completely abandoned me.

Sorry I can't advise you what to do...apart from to go with your gut instincts, and hers. It must be horrible seeing her upset and hearing the things that she's experiencing ((((hugs)))))

Hi Isla
Im sorry to read that your dds return to school hasnt been good (sounds awful actually)

Did your dd like being HEd? Did she want to return to school?
If there is anyway that you could continue, would you both like to? If so then I would just continue to be honest.

I understand that sticking out school for a term/year can be a good thing to prove the child has given it their best shot - but I have also heard of parents having done that and regretted it because their child spent the whole year wanting to return home (and being told to stick out the year) returning to HE and being really affected by the miserable year at school.

How old is your dd? What year has she gone into? - as persumably she has gone mid year into a class/year group so that is normally difficult.
I dont think all schools are bad (some are great, much of the time) - maybe this isnt a good school (what was your impression of it before she started?)

Sorry for wittering a load of random thoughts and questions!

sounds totally shite to me.

Is there any good reason to send her? especially now you've established clearly that a little bit of maths and english occasionally plus normal life is more than enough to keep her well ahead of what they are doing academically at school...

cakeMixture she is 10 year 5 and has gone into a mixed year 5/6 class.
She was initially quite keen to go back to school, as I think she was getting lonely. We knew the school as we lived in the area 4 years ago and she attended until we had to relocate when she was in year 1.

It has had two changes of head while we have been away, and it certainly appears to have changed a lot.
ommmward no there really doesn't seem to be a good reason to send her, but I have some really niggly doubts. I hadn't wanted to send her back in the first place, but we had a period where the world and his wife were very critical of us HE'ing. Largely due to the fact that she was 'too nice' 'too happy' needed to toughen up. We were creating an artificial environment for her etc etc. I'm sure you have heard it all. I didn't give a hoot about what other people thought, but my dh got the wobbles and had doubts, so he was the one who suggested she went back.
He regrets it enormously now, and is really keen to pull her, but part of me is wondering whether we have indeed contributed to her not being able to put up with every day crap?

When people say

"but don't you worry about socialisation?"

I say

"yes. that's one of the reasons we don't use schools".

I disagree fundamentally with vivian.

Me, I'd much rather be around "happy" and "nice" children. The odd thing is that the people who have a horrid time going through school, and who don't really fit in with their peers, then go on to function perfectly well as adults, finding partners and friends and having families. Sometimes I look around play parks at happy happy Dads playing with their children and with some of them I can immediately tell that they'd have had a horrid time at school but there they are, happy as adults.

I don't get why those years of not fitting into the artificial social and intellectual and cultural construct of school are supposed to be a good thing when the people who didn't fit happily into that sort of institution almost certainly wouldn't go anywhere near to replicating it in any part of their adult life.

You just need to find more social opportunities! Single mums and families of academics can be fab for weekend socialising, regardless of whether or not they HE (academics are almost without exception workaholics who spend at least one weekend day working) :)

She was only out of school for just over a year, but never mixed much out of school anyway. We could never get her to go to school discos, and even when she was in reception, if we went to soft play parties she would just stand and watch everyone.
Strange as it sounds, she got more confident during our HE year, she is freindly but struggles a bit with the fickle nature of friendships at this age.
From an academic perspective, she has nothing to aspire to at the moment, so she doesn't feel she is getting anything from school, plus she feels she is missing out on the flexibility. No more swimming in half empty pools during the day, that sort of thing.
I do know wher you are coming from though, and I think that is one of my worries?

ommmward That's how I felt initially, but now I'm worried that I have let her down and not equipped her to deal with stuff.
I think I've found the last 6 weeks plus the initial angst of sending her back more stressful than I realised, and my head is in a bit of a muddle.
I need wine

stuff schmuff.

Your fatal mistake was to show her that she doesn't HAVE to go to school, at which point she starts looking at her daily experience in school and articulating how rubbish it is.

It's rubbish for lots of children, they just have no option of saying "nah, not bothered with this to be honest".

We all know people who were bullied at school, who were bored at school, who just kept their heads under the parapet, who suffered because they were too bright, who suffered because they were not bright enough. And then those people go off to university or out to work, and they find like-minded people and have a happy time, most of them. That was one of the most striking things for me in going off to a rather nerdy university to read a n extremely slightly nerdy subject: almost all of the people studying it had been made miserable for their misfitting natures at school, and there we all were having a complete blast, socially and intellectually. I really don't get why we bother sending to school people who don't flourish there. Especially when the swimming pools are so empty on a Thursday morning :)

How is continuing to send your child to school going to suddenly make it a good fit for her, now she doesn't just suspect but KNOW that the grass is greener? If she was a real joiner, loving parties and playdates and thriving on the playground politics, it would be just mean to deprive her of school. But she isn't that person, and all power to her for already knowing it (and the longer she is led to believe that being a social joiner is a Good Thing, the lower her self esteem will unnecessarily fall).

Oh heck, did I make it sound a bit flippant with the swimming comment. It's a point of annoyance as swimming was something the school said they did, but actually they don't, so it's yet another disapointment.
I think you know what I mean though? :)

I agree with Ommward.

Going to school just so you can learn how to cope with other people behaving badly is rather a weird justification for encouraging a child to go to school!

I would pull her out, continue to HE until such point that she maybe wants to try again (if at all)
If getting to HE stuff is difficult could she maybe try guides, st johns cadets etc? I dont think its the end of the world if a child doesnt socialise much tbh. I worry a lot about my two because they dont get many opportunities to socialise but both fit in really easily (mostly) when they do get to go to things.

Well, dc had a quick dose of the runs the morning after we made the decision to return to HE, apparantly this was her 'tummy relaxing'. She hasn't wet the bed since either. I'm taking this as a sign we have done the right thing.
De-reg letter went by registered post this morning. She has already given me some pointers on what improvements I need to make. "You are a bit rubbish at craft stuff mum". Brace yourself for requests on salt dough/volcano making recipes Should I join EO or obtain some kind of 'leave me alone I'm a bona fide home edder' ID card? I'm in Lancashire and I've heard the LEA are horrible here.
Thanks for your advice this week.

High five, Isla

wahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in Lancashire too. There are lots of places to find out what is going on. There's a Yahoo group called LEAD, or if you are near Bolton one called BONEHEADS. Join EO, find some local home educators and help your daughter find some real friends rather than folk she happens to be at school with.....

Hi IslaValargeone

Lancashire has recently taken a turn for the better following a public consultation over policy.

The Council has also committed to regular policy discussion meetings with the local forum.

You can check out the new policy document here council.lancashire.gov.uk/mgIssueHistoryHome.aspx?IId=6339&Opt=0

Aw Isla I just read the whole thread, and I have to admit I welled up a bit at your post from Saturday saying you've taken her out. Good for you - why on earth should she be unhappy when she doesn't need to be?!

Hope things go well for you and your relaxed tummied girl!

well if you had a relaxed yaar with her and she was actually ahead of her class when she went back to school, maybe that gives you a certain amount of confidence to continue HE?
I don't know what your reasons were for deciding to try school again but if you can cope with HE, I can understand your dd preferring to go back to it.

sorry year not yaar!

Perhaps have a look at this place?
Depends on where in Lancashire you are but it may be up your dd's street.