DD worried about 'social' side of Home School - but not what you might think

[MeanMom]

DD is 13 and currently 'off sick' She has a diagnosis of anxiety and depression given in this last week. I will not go into detail - but she had health issues aside from this that make her feel 'different' although they are actually not obvious to anyone. She has had a lot of problems with friendships at school (she feels that no other 13 year old would want to be bothered with a person with her problems and theycannit be relied on to help her if she needs help - unlikely but possible )

DD wants to do the learning part of home schooling very much but she is concerned that she will have as much trouble making and sustaining friendships as she has had at school - she is an only child and has no friends nearby - she has dropped them because they do not 'understand'.

She is going to start counceling and poss meds soon - should we wait til she, hopefully,feels better to decide.She does not go out of the house without me at the moment, and then it is only for med appointments.

Can/should we make a decision now? School will not wait forever, and is grammar school so once she de registers she would have to re apply and pass entry test - if they have a place.

Don't know what to do - there is a local HE group but DD is not up to going at the moment.

If she is 'off sick' surely the school have to wait?
I wouldn't make a decision yet if you don't really have to.
Poor little thing, she sounds so sad.

Arrange one-on-one meet ups with local HE'd children who are younger. we've played that role for teens and pre-teens several times over the years, acting as a staging post for that child to begin to rebuild social confidence.

(if you're in the south west, just come and play!)

I agree with ommmward - post on your local HE yahoo group (or similar) with a message as you have on here.
There are many HE children who dont cope well with groups, especially initially. I think once a child has made a few friends in a quiet way they are often happier to 'take on' a group.
Do you know a nice 'aunt' type person she could be befriended by (I endlessly dreamed and longed for such a person in my life as a teenager - and in fact at 30something would still!)
If you lived near me (unlikely!) Id invite you round to chat and 'play' (what do 13yo's do? - my eldest is 10!)

What area do you live in?
I hope she is happier soon (must be hard for you too) :(

My friend had/has a similar problem with her now 16 year old daughter,I do home school my youngest son and the way it worked for my friend was v different to 'real' homeschooling,friends dd had had a v traumatic time and just simply couldnt go to school- friend tried all ways but the daughter just couldnt go and in honestly it was making her ill.....so friend simply didnt send her to school,rang in school frequently to keep them updated as did the professionals who were supporting the dd,friend never stopped the dd from going out in the evenings with friends but during the day insisted she accompany her various places shopping/hairdresser etc etc as she didnt want her dd to become isolated by 'choice' ....school sent work home sporadically but to be honest the dd wasnt 'upto' academic learning she had to get over what was going on inside first.

Anyway long story short the dd is now at a specialist centre and studying well and hopes to go to college - time it would appear is a great healer.

My son has been off school with anxiety issues since January. His school are not putting any pressure on him to return and we are, effectively, home educating at present. If we were suddenly put under huge pressure to send him back before he's ready, I would de-register him, but that's not necessary at the moment. The school is aware that he has a medical condition and they can't insist that he return before he's well, anymore than they could insist that a child with a broken leg return too early.

Your daughter's school will have to wait as long as it takes for your DD to get well again. Hopefully, the medication and counselling (CBT?) will help her enough to either view friendships at school more positively and give that another go or feel able to venture out to home-ed groups and meet other people there. It sounds as if it's just too early for her at the moment. You can't rush these things.

No experience of home schooling (followed you here from your origional post) but I had no friends at school. I meaan actually at school until the last year but I had friends outside school, the girl next door (we went to different schools) and friends from my ju-jitsu and Karate classes, friends from guides and probably a couple of other places.

I know your DD probably doesn't want to do sportsbut there are opportunities to meet other people. Oh and only at school are you expected to only be friends with people your own age, as an adult you can have friends of any age.

There are also options to do part time schooling, and the day she is 14 she can take courses at FE colleges, and they are free. Either full or part time which is useful if you do not have the resources or skills to teach a particular subject.

Do to changes in funding a lot of FE colleges only teaach GCSE English, maths and science, there is no reason not to take a 2 hour class once a week in an FE college and continue with HE

Thank you everyone:)

toffeewhirl - school are not 'waiting for her to get well' IMO. EWO is still (despite DDs diagnosis, trying to arrange a meeting at the school between CAMHS, Vision Support, SENCO, EWO and us. We are taking Parent support with us. There are so many people that we have been unable to organise so far. This is supposed to be to get a 'strategy' in place,whatever that is.

DD has had no councelling since this diagnosis, nor has she seen the psychiatrist yet. She has been having major anxiety about leaving the house and/or me since mid September 2011, but had other periods of (IMO) depression for a year before that (haha since starting High School:() how is she to be expected to go into school in the near future? Only if CAMHS can work miracles or they drug her to the eyeballs!

I just don't want her to have anymore pressure. As she says 'you don't need GCSE's in the loony bin!' (seriously where she thought she would end up' :(

Anyway - we live around Bournemouth Poole area so if anyone is nearby would love to meet for a chat or something.

Thank you everyone for support

I would suggest a big sister approach, in which SHE is the big sister. She doesn't have to be cooland awesome, her very age will make her cool and awesome to a girl 2 years younger than her. All I wanted when I was 11 was to be given the time of day by a 13 year old.

OOH I know a lovely home ed family of teen and pre teen girls in the Bournemouth area,
send me a message via our local group address and I'll see if I can put you in touch!

julienoshoes - is your email working? I am getting my messages returned.

Thanks for help everyone.

Betelgeuse - thank you but DD is not ahead academically of her friends - it is a selective grammar - they are all bright - DD average for the school, above average generally, but not genius!Her friends do not understand are bored by her health issues which she has to take resonsibility for at school (and when out with them) Many teens with her condition (she has T1 diabetes) ignore it rather than be different.

Still would like to hear from any local home schoolers reading this?

Not quite local enough, I'm afraid - too far east!

However, I think your daughter would be fine in a home ed setting. First, I would give her some time off from worrying about friends. Concentrate for now on having a relaxing time at home with no stress. When she eventually gets up the courage to go to a home ed group she will find that no one worries about age/ clothes/ illness/ being a bit different - and that makes friendships much easier.

My DD2 had some social issues in school and didn't want to have friends at all when she came out. She now has a really thriving social life. Some of those friends are the same age, the majority are just a little younger, one or two are significantly younger (she is 12, they are around 8).

I still suspect that, were she to be thrown back into school, she would still find it hard, and not have the huge range of friends or the wonderful social life she has now. She's quite a young 12 and I think most of her Year 8 peers would be on another planet altogether! However, she's confident and happy and I have every confidence that when she does move on at 16/18/whenever she chooses, she will cope just fine.

Schools get very wound up over GCSEs but you have to look at the bigger picture. They're no use if emotionally you're too messed up by school to do anything with them. And I know so many HE children who have gone on to do wonderful things, incuding college and higher ed courses, with no GCSEs at all that I do wonder why we bother!

By the way, I'm sure my 12 year old would be happy to write to her/ chat to her on Facebook etc if she just wants someone else her age to talk to. My DD2 (who is 13 in the summer so not much younger) would be quite happy to answer her questions on home ed etc.

musicposy - that would be great I've sent you a pm

Betelgeuse - I would be interested in your experience re Diabetes - perhaps you can pm me when you have time

As an adult with agoraphobia, I totally empathise with the whole 'not wanting to go out' thing. I understand that she's worried about the social side of home-schooling, but the answer isn't keeping her in school (where she also has difficulty in keeping friends and her anxieties are getting in the way of her academic learning).

I think that it might help to think about different types of socialising and how they make her feel. I certainly find some situations more difficult than others. For instance, going to a museum/science center/similar place with one or two other children might be quite good, because she could choose how much she interacted with the other children versus how much time she spent looking at the activity. Something open ended that she can drop in and out of (so doesn't feel trapped) might work better than something that she has to commit to spending the whole day/afternoon/evening at.

If she finds it really difficult to speak to other children, then starting off with an activity where interaction is limited might be a starting point - such as visiting the cinema/play/concert that kind of thing, where the focus isn't on her.

Depending on her anxieties, some kind of art/craft group could be good, because she can concentrate on what she's doing and drop in and out of conversations with those around her without seeming rude. This might not work for her depending on her specific anxieties, I sometimes get performance anxiety where I'd rather work on something alone, because I don't like to make mistakes in public.

But if doing things with other children is too much at the moment, then just try and find things that she's willing to do with you, without pressure. Going for a walk, visiting a petting farm, going to the beach, doing things shes interested in. Building up her confidence of leaving the house again gently, and maybe try and get some professional advice about graduated exposure if she is really resistant to going out for any reason, particuarly if it's something she'd normally enjoy.

The whole "don't understand her" thing, does sound like she's desperate for more intense friendships despite her fears. Maybe see if there are online (or offline) support groups for children with diabetes or mental health issues that would allow her to chat to other children who do understand.

Apologies if I'm missing the mark with this stuff, I may be projecting my own anxieties! Wishing her all the best, I know from experience that emotional and mental issues take time to sort out, I think homeschooling her so that she's not missing out educationally whilst she works on that stuff is a good idea. It means she can phase into social activities in a way that suits her at her own pace, rather than needing to face the scary immersive experience of going back into school full time and just trying to survive and cope with everything all at once.

Thank you Spirited for giving this so much thought - you are very kind.

I don't really know how to reply - your suggestions make a lot of sense but I am struggling to work out the best approach even though I know my daughter very well. Her councillor has given her 'goals' this week - to go for a walk, to join the FB group for T1 teens, to go swimming, but today for example it took all her energy to get dressed.
Because she never goes any where she has a lot of pocket money saved so we agreed she could use it to buy any clothes she chose online (not Mums choice:)) and also a swimming costume. She got really stressed, in the end saying she just couldn't decide what she wanted to buy it was too hard.
She says she cannot decide whether she wants to go back to school only that she can't go now - she is missing so much work - she will not do the work they send home. She spends most of the day on 'tumbler' - if I ask her to do something else she will just go to sleep in the chair.
I appreciate your suggestions but there are no other children to do these things with - if she thinks there will be anyone her age there she will not go, or rather she cannot ( panic attack)
Thank you for your help and I will make a note of your suggestions as we may , no, we will be able to use them in the near future.

I've had crippling attacks of anxiety and depression in the past and not being able to make decisions (because everything might turn out bad!) is a classic hallmark. Likewise freezing immobile in a dreadful situation [this is bad but at least it's the bad I know!]

As an example, I was once unable to leave a violent relationship because I couldn't decide what to pack. I managed to phone my mum to ask her to come and get me but when she arrived I just shook and chain-smoked and said I don't know I don't know in answer to all her questions.

So in my view, your daughter isn't going to be able to decide whether or not it's safe or OK to be home ed. So either YOU take the line that you aren't going to decide yet. Or else YOU make the decision that you are going to home ed for now.

I guess the other thing to say is that All Things Pass. I haven't been afflicted for nearly 20 years.

I'm so sorry your daughter is going through this awful time - and sorry for you too, as I know how stressful it is.

I don't think you should worry about her missing a lot of work. She is clearly in no position to cope with that at the moment and it sounds as if your priority needs to be to get her back to good mental health before anything else.

Did she play a part in establishing goals with her counsellor or did the counsellor set them for her? I think that is really important. My son's CBT counsellor discusses goals with him and always promises him that she won't make him do anything he doesn't feel ready for. It sounds as if your DD's counsellor has established goals that are too much for your DD. It's no bad thing that she will see that is the case at the next appointment. The goals need to be much smaller.

I agree with Fiona that your DD can't cope with making such a major decision about home ed vs school ed at this time and that it needs to be you who makes the decision. However, this should not need to be an immediate decision for you. It has taken me years to get to this point with my own son and we still haven't de-registered! The idea that your child must receive an education at school is so engrained in us that it can be incredibly difficult to go against that. In my case, we are waiting to see if DS will receive some online tutoring paid for by the LEA. This seems to me a good compromise as it means we can do some of our own stuff as well as keeping up with the school stuff. However, I am now in no doubt that I will de-register my son if this doesn't work out.

When did your DD start on the meds? They take a long time to kick in and the side effects can be awful at first. Your DD shouldn't be expected to do anything during that period. She needs lots of small pleasures - favourite TV programmes, extra sessions on the computer, unexpected puddings or sweets, comics. And loads of reassurance from you.

As Fiona says, this will pass.