Seriously considering HomeEd for DS4, DH not so keen..... thoughts please?

[oldmum42]

We have 3 teen sons, eldest 2 are 1st year Uni and starting Uni in Sept, DS3 rising 15 and now coping well with school.
For DS1 and 3, school was a hellish nightmare (for us as well as them!), until age 12/13, when things improved, because of having subject choice, more challenging work, and because of bullying being tackled far better at the secondary school than at the primary school. DS1 is exceptionally academic, his needs were not met, at primary, lots of school refusal (eventually led to a change of school), tears, stress migraines, seemed to have "bully me" in neon above his head. DS3 similar, but also Asperger DX which school constantly challenged, lots of difficulties until he started secondly where they were great with him from day one and soon ironed out the worst issues and

put strategies in place for him, which are working really well.
DS2 had no social problems at school, but is Dyslexic, and again, primary school was very unhelpful, at least partly because of "history" with the HT over the other 2 DS (and our struggle to have their needs met). Many, many times over the course of DS1,2 and 3's early education, we considered pulling them out of school to Home School. I was always keener than DH, and fair enough, maybe it's good to have someone point out the difficulties, and somehow, things always seemed to improve just that little bit and we'd think "lets give it another term".
We kind of burnt our bridges with the primary school during DS3 last term at school, by actually standing up to the HT in a meeting with SN from the secondry school in which HT told SN that he did not have Asperger's - we said a few things, requested a private meeting with SN, which we got, but DS treatment at the school worsened (complicated back-story of really nasty bullying not being taken seriously) to the point we removed him for the last month of term and complained.

Now we have DS4, 16 months :)
I am adamant he will NOT go to that school while that HT is still their (late 50's in age so don't know when they might retire). It is a village school, few miles from our rural location. There are other villages with schools within a 10 mile radius, I am a SAHM, I have a Science degree. We are in Scotland, I know that matters for Home Ed as the rules are a bit different. There is a city close by (15 min by car), with plenty of resources suitable for HE.
It's not just about the HT, don't get me wrong, I regret not HE the older kids when we were ALL so miserable in their early years, in retrospect I feel guilty about it - I think school really wasn't the place for them to be, until the age of 10 or 11 for DS1 and 3, and maybe age 7 or 8 for DS2.

I don't want DS4 going to school at all (or the preschool year), until we feel he is ready for it, and school is ready for him! He is already showing strong signs of being just like DS1 and 3 in his temperament, interests and learning style.

DH is not keen, thinks if the HT has not retired, then DS4 should go to another village school nearby, and "see how it goes". But, I think it's going to be easier just to not have him in the system at all (I think it's a bit harder to do HE in Scotland if you have every been on a school roll, but I'm willing to be corrected on that).

Sorry this post is so long!
Does anyone have experience please, of one parent being keener that the other? And how did you handle it?

I can't really advise about the specifics. But in a general sense, you'd be much better off never sending him to school if you think you're likely to want to HE - up here, once he is on a state school's register, you would have to request permission to deregister him, and to do that you have to give the council information about how you plan to provide the education, and wait for their permission before taking him out of school. Councils vary on how awkward they make the process - if you haven't already, do look at the Schoolhouse website - they are the experts in the law for HE in Scotland.

Hello AMIS, have seen you before in various MN fora! Have looked at Schoolhouse, but not recently, I know I need to get up to date as I think there have been changes over the last couple of years, and my thinking is certainly "better not to start at all", whereas DH is "see how it goes and if it's as bad as with DS1&3, then we can remove him".

Do you/did you HE your DC? Do I remember you from last years UCAS thread when your DS was applying to Uni at the same time as my DS1???? If so, hello again! :)

Well remembered! Yes, DS started at uni this year. He was HE for a couple of years, but only S3/4, so I can't be a lot of help about how to approach it with a little one. And we were all three of us in favour of HE, so I can't be much use on how to convince an uncertain partner either....

Wow, you did Standard Grades at home! I'm a bit nervous at the prospect of exams and hope DS4 might decide to go to school for the High school years if we HE.

I guess DH is much more conservative than me and that's probably his big worry - that DS4 would miss out on things he needs to know for exams/university, where as I think a huge % of school, particularly primary school and 1st year of High School is pretty much a waste of time, with hours per day swallowed up with crowd control and repetition...... . I just think there has to be a better way than what DS1&3 (and to a much lesser extent, DS2), went through!

why mot turn it on it's head and ask your dh if he will consider home educating your son from the start and "see how it goes"
It doesn't have to be a forever choice, the LA will have to find him a place in school later if you want one.

In the meantime go along to any local home ed gatherings and talk to people there and see how the land lies with group activities etc, which again will help your DHs nerves

Ah! Good idea julienoshoes, I like it :)

Have started looking through all the Scottish legal stuff and Schoolhouse website to bring myself up to date with that, will have to start looking into group stuff soon too, as you say.

You could go to HE groups immediately if you want. If they are general, drop-in groups, they are likely to be happy to have toddlers wandering around while older children do other activities. It would operate a bit like a toddler group for you and give you an opportunity to get to know other HEers, which might reassure your DH.

FWIW, I HEed from the start and my DD is now at uni (doing law) and DS (17) is still looking into what he wants to do. They did not do school exams (we are in England) but did OU instead. Look at www.home-education-exams.org.uk to see other people's experience of going from HE to further or higher education.

Not only is it easier legally to HE from the start, it is also (IMHO) easier in practical terms - you never get out of the habit of being with the DC; they never get used to letting someone else direct their learning; and you don't start HE with a traumatic school experience to overcome.

I can't claim much credit for it oldmum - DS did IGCSEs through an online school! You maybe need to reassure your DH that there are plenty of ways of getting qualifications if that's the way they want to go. We're as conventional as they come, and hadn't considered HE when DS was younger. It was just a practical solution for the situation we found ourselves in.

HE can be whatever you want/need it to be - if he's worried about turning out a child with no qualifications and a lack of basic skills, then you could look at what they do in school in P1 and assure him that you'll make sure you cover the same ground so that he's not "falling behind" - there used to be loads on info online about what they tried to cover, but I'm not sure how much detail there is on the new curriculum.

Thanks for that info and link, SDeuchars :)

AMIS, GCSE's, interesting. Aye, I have read several things about GCSE/Alevel being easier to do in HE than SG and Highers. Having had 3DS go through primary school already, one of the things DH and I agree on is that it would be difficult as a Home Educators, to do a worse job than the two (allegedly "good"), primary schools we have experience of, in terms of both educating and socialising DC's. We were continually shocked by the low level of the work (compared with what our DS's would have chosen to do with a topic), and how bored they were with it, but at the same time, not properly covering things like times tables, the bullying was a massive issue in both schools.

High school has been much better once past 1st year which seems to be such a wasted year.
I think I would tend towards stick to something similar to the curriculum, but obviously as it's tailored to 1 child, it would be more relevant and a lot more fun and with better width/depth of learning.

Ds1 hasn't been to school, he would be in y1 now but he wasn't ready at just 4 (summer born) so we decided to try HE and see how things went.

Dh was incredibly reluctant, mostly because he felt ds1 wouldn't have common experiences with other children. I convinced him to try it at least.

Now ds1 wants to try school, and start in September. It's dh now who feels most strongly that we should carry on HE, as he's seen how ds is flourishing, beginning to read with lots of interests and so confident and chatty.

Maybe you can convince your dh to give it a go? I think it's daunting to think 'We'll HE for the primary years', it's such a long time and you've no idea what will happen or how your dc will change in that time, but if you give it 6 months, or a year, then re-evaluate it makes HE seem a more reasonable option.

Best thing we have ever done! We originally said to age 7 - as we both felt he was too young at 3 and decided to follow the continental age for schooling Now DS is 6.75 and we ALL THREE say definitely to 11. I think we shall end up to 18! DS initiates lots of the learning, we have a flexible lifestyle- whereas his cousins are tied to homework and often fall asleep on the way home from school. We all have a great social-life and can visit museums etc when they are quieter. He is a great reader and well ahead in maths - especially with one -to-one. We don't spend much time on formal schooling and he is a very happy little boy & totally natural- not bothered about peer presssure. Home-ed groups brilliant with all ages- baby to 18 year olds. Your husband will be surprised- take him(DH) to one & let him experience the atmosphere for himself -he will change is mind- like another post said all ages of children go. You are very lucky to have another son so much younger....don't spoil him by sending him to school.

Fishlegs and Eeejai, thanks, yes I think pointing out it doesn't have to be forever, that he could go to school if/when the time is right should Calm DH.... interesting FISH that your DH has come round so strongly to the idea!

I don't want to spoil this DS, that's exactly it :) and I am already worrying about it - he is SO like DS1&3 in character/behaviour already, that I just know he will not fit into the way school works. Maybe that sounds stupid, but DS1&3 (& DS2 lesser extent) followed a particular developmental trajectory with very, very active hands-on intense behaviour (really not like most kids), DS3 has Asperger's and DS1 hasn't, but has many spectrum traits, they are also both very academic....... IME this is a disastrous combination in the classroom! And yet...... it's not a problem in 1:1 or small group situations, the same characteristics are really strong positives when it comes to self-motivated learning (DS1,2,3 all did/do most learning away from school anyway!), so to me HE sounds the logical thing to do.