Friendship

[kumquatsarethelonelyfruit]

I am starting to worry a little about DS1 (aged just turned 6). He doesn't seem to have any 'real' friends. He gets invited to the odd party etc but really because I am friends with the mum. He hasn't gelled with anyone his own age at the HE meet ups. There are a couple of boys his own age there - they are either v aggressive (see previous thread) or as 'sociable' as him ie not very good at playing with each other. Is this normal at this age? I could go down the forceful playdate route but I am not sure if that is the right thing to do. He doesn't seem bothered but we have no local relations and no children in the street etc so his contact with other kids his age is very limited and I am starting to think it may become a problem.

Since we started HE in November, I've come to realise that the social aspect could be an issue. At school there's plenty of choice and they're together all day every day to cement their friendships. In my son's case, he didn't much like his friends and it's one of the reasons we HE. In the HE world you sometimes only see people every few weeks or at most once a week and just because they're all HE, doesn't mean they'll be immediate friends as you've discovered. My son (7) is missing having children his own age or older to play with and although he loves his brothers and they play well together, I think he'd like a bit more. Fortunately we have lots of cousins close by and we go to church where there are lots of boys but I still feel like he's missing that special friend. When I ask him he says he doesn't want to go back to school but neither does he much like HE groups. I think I'll get him going to the local cricket club in the summer, I'm hoping he might make friends there. Perhaps an 'after school' club could be the answer.

Sorry, I've waffled on and not really answered the question but at least you know you're not alone. He's still very young and if he's happy and thriving I shouldn't worry too much. It's what I'm trying to convince myself!

My DS2 is 5 1/2 and has always been home ed. We go to groups and see a lot of children and he does an after school class. He plays with various different children or by himself, but he doesn't seem to have particularly made special friends. He's really different from DS1, who made close and particular friends from when we started going to home ed groups when he was 5 and also from DS3, who is only 3 but makes much clearer allegiances. DS2 doesn't seem worried about it and he's able to play with other children in the organised games and is generally happy. There seem to be quite a few other children at the groups that don't have 'special' friends, particularly at age 5 or 6. I guess I think it is fairly normal at his age not to have special friends. I think it's sometimes hard to judge if its the situation that is not providing enough opportunity to make friends, or just that this is not what he needs at this stage of his development.

My younger child is 5 1/2 and doesn't have any particular friends either. My two children are just as lilyfire describes her elder two - one social who had made close friends by that age, and one who doesn't seem bothered about friends, at least not yet.

Many kids are perfectly happy without having any special friends, at least at certain phases in their lives.

I really think that if and when this is a problem for your son, you will know. He will talk about it, or will seem a bit fixated on some kid he has actually only met once or twice. When that happens it will be good to be able to take action, so there is no harm exploring the options now.

By the way, when it comes to group activities we found that certain ones offered better social opportunities than others. There needs to be some unstructured time, even if that just means that the kids are allowed to do some chatting and messing about (ie socialising) during the swimming lesson or gymnastics session. You can't predict this from the type of class; it's down to the leader's approach to organising the class and attitude toward structured versus unstructured play. It also helps a lot if parents wait around and chat nearby rather than dropping and running, because your son won't manage to pursue a friendship if the other parents aren't open to the idea. Some parents will be more proactive than others, some will feel their kid has enough friends already, some will just be too busy. At some groups the parents hang about and are very friendly with each other, at others they don't have the chance to be. Go along to a trial session and pay particular attention to how the kids interact with each other and how the grownups interact with each other.