Did your 10yo contribute to your decision to HE?

[outofbodyexperience]

So, we decided to leave ds1 in school until his psycho-Ed evaluation was complete, and the school were looking at how to best support him. (he has an ADHD dx, some social issues/ asd type quirks but not enough to dx, and some anxiety/phobias, and is well above average academically esp maths) He knows HE is an option.

They were keen to medicate to see if the ADHD meds (vyvanse) would allow him to regain control of his anxieties etc and make his life a bit easier. School are still working on what to do (since Christmas - might be moving him around for different grade level subjects or whatever) but report lots of improvement re concentration etc.

I am in two minds. An awful nagging feeling in the back of my head suspects this is because he is just getting on with what they want him to do... Which he still isn't interested in, doesn't care about, but doesn't zone out too much with the meds. They make him easier.

A little niggling doubt thinks this is really just mind control and they like the meds because they make him do as he's told. Compliant. My doubts about the curriculum and the way it is taught, and ds being a square peg in a round hole haven't disappeared... When ds is interested in something he's on fire... In an ideal world he'd have that enthusiasm about everything, wouldn't he?

My real question is about how to gauge his real thoughts on HE. Tis morning I asked him how the meds were going, how he was finding it. He essentially regurgitated what the teacher has told him. In her words. About how it is easier to concentrate and he is less hyper. (hyper isn't even a word he uses, I could hear her voice .

I was prepared to give it a go, because school seemed v keen to help. His teacher has ADHD herself and has lots of coping strategies she uses. But I've been doing a lot of thinking about school itself and whether it suits him...

How to get him to be honest and not just repeat what he's been told? (I've tried to keep it v open re HE and school, and so he shouldn't have been influenced by my thoughts)

Anyone had to decide with a 10 yo whether to give HE or unschooling a try? How much did they contribute?

Hi

For me the key phrase was "When ds is interested in something he's on fire."

It sounds as though you won't be able to gauge his feelings about home education because he probably doesn't know himself what he thinks.

I've got a nearly 19 year old who has never been in school. We share/haggle/negotiate almost all decisions and choices but some things were always non-negotiable because I just thought I knew best.

That's really interesting, Fiona. I hadn't thought about it like that! I was more focused on content of the curriculum v what his interests and learning style are when I made that comment, rather than his feelings about HE, but I do see how he might not actually have any feelings about HE itself at the mo...

That hadn't actually occurred to me. I do love mn for a good dose of honesty!

He knows what he feels about school (or rather, he's successfully integrated to the point that he expects he has to go) I may well have been expecting too much for him to have developed an opinion about whether he would prefer an alternative without experiencing it!

If anyone has removed a 10yo from school i'd love to hear how you made the decision... (I know I'm over thinking it, but hearing how other people managed the transition to HE late might help me get a grip)

(I kind of feel like I'm doing it the 'wrong' way round - at the point where some HE-ers are deciding whether to let their kids go to school for secondary, mine have been in for primary and now we're looking at it seriously...)

I brought my son out of school a few weeks before his 10th birthday. We didn't really have a choice about it as school was harming him, but to maximise a successful move to home ed I felt it was important to have him onside and that it had to be at least partially his own decision as well as ours. We'd have taken him out anyway but it was better to have us all working together.

This is how I did it. I typed up pages and pages of things he'd be able to do if we home educated. There were pros and cons - I tried to be balanced about it, things he might miss from school etc. Tbh ds thought he liked school as he hadn't known anything else, and people (teachers etc) kept telling him it was the place to be and he had to get used to the hard bits so I expected him to be reluctant to change. Added to Aspie need for structure and sameness, so it was always going to be tricky. Also, like your son, he couldn't express his feelings, wants or needs and it was hard to get that sort of thing from him without putting words into his mouth - in that respect I know where your boy is coming from when he just repeats what his teacher has said. Sounds as though he can't work out his own thoughts so refers back to other people's instead.

Anyway, digressing...

I listed all these things and typed them in different colours and fonts to add a bit of interest, then cut them all up into strips and folded them like tombola tickets and put them in a bowl. I told him we were going to play a game that would help him decide what to do about his school/education, and that we were to make piles of good and bad things on the paper strips. It was fun, we had drinks and snacks and had a good time doing it, and at the end ds was happy that he'd made a choice to go with the option that had the most good things about. It was only then that I told him that choice was home education, but by now he'd seen all the benefits of it and didn't need convincing. He was ready for it.

That said, transition WAS difficult because any change would be, and also he was dreadfully damaged after five years in school and that took a long time to repair. But repair he did and we've never looked back.

Hope that's some use. Like you, I could never have a discussion with my son about something as life-changing as this as he just didn't have the articulation or emotional capacity for that depth of communication. We just had to find another way to help him make the choice and this was the best we could come up with, based on his mental state at the time.

we withdrew our dd at the end of year 4. she had health issues and school were only concerned with their attendance figures (don't get me started).

we talked it over with dd and also made a list of pro's and con's. she was initially concerned about missing her friends and i reassured her that she could still see them whenever she wanted. (as it turned out, she didn't stay in contact with any of them because she was way too happy with her new HE friends)

we initially said that we'd give it a go for one term and then make a decision to either go back to school or keep HE until the end of year 6, when we'd look at it again.

within just a few weeks we were both convinced HE was the way to go and we are still having loads of fun with it.

my dd learns by topic. i have things that i want her to learn by the end of Y6 (maths levels and spelling etc) and i just work that into whatever topic we are doing. dd chooses a topic and we then explore that. currently we're working on Sealife.

i wish we had pulled her out at the beginning of Y4 rather than the end as that year did lots of damage and caused oodles of stress, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. i know that our way of learning has completely changed over the past 18months. when we started, we were quite regimented, we sat at the table and did specific lessons. i kept a timetable and could account for every hour of the day. now, we pootle along, being governed by how dd feels and what she fancies doing. if she is feeling up to it then we have loads of fun and learn loads, if she is tired then we chill and have fun and she learns a little bit.

if you do decide to HE, i would have some time to chill, and then explore what your ds is interested in. you'd be amazed what you can pack into what seems like just having fun.

we're now having to consider secondary school. she has applied to one and fancies giving it a try if she gets a place, but is just as happy to stay HE. the decision will be hers as it is her who has to do it.

sorry if this is all rambling x

Thank you both, really interesting.

We have some time off next week (no half term here, but two long weekends) so I think I might try and engage him in the possibilities then. I think he is concerned about friends, cheermum.

I might suggest a trial term and see what he thinks. I do want to involve him in the process, but I see how it could be tricky to do so meaningfully without a bit of work!

if you go onto yahoo and search groups for home ed xx area you'll come accross your local group. they will have all sorts of activities and you can have a look at what is going on by you and maybe arrange to join in with a couple of things

We are o'seas and most of the groups are in the city an hour away. I'm going to see if they have anything on though, good idea. It will give him a taste of what the options are.