DS is being bullied at HE meet-ups

[kumquatsarethelonelyfruit]

We have only been HEing for about 6 months and there is quite an active scene around us. We met up with two families when we joined the local online forum. One family are lovely but don't go to many meet ups and definitely do their own thing. The other family was a lady with 2 boys of a very similar age to my DS1 (all 5-6).

As soon as we met the second family in a soft play place, the boys ran up to DS and repeatedly punched him in the stomach. DS came to me crying and I told the mum. She shrugged and said, 'Hit them back.' to DS. DS is physically very tall and a big build but very soft hearted and anyway, that is not how we have raised him. So basically that playdate was a dud.

BUT the problem is that they are at all the local meet ups and follow my DS around calling him names etc which ends up with him crying (probably why they do it). The mother will not intervene; in fact at the last meet up she told DS it was his fault for being a 'cry baby' and no wonder her kids called him a baby when he acts like one.

What do I do? I don't know anyone else at these meet ups well enough to have a quiet word and what could they do anyway? DS doesn't want to go to any social events now which is bad for me as I am sociable and bad for him as he is quite anti-social anyway. I am very upset with this mother and her policy of 'toughening up' both her kids and mine by encouraging some kind of survival of the fittest scenario. She is Russian (or similar) by the way and seems to have a different take on a lot of things.

I have told DS that he is to ignore these two no matter what they say to him. I suspect that they pick on him him as he is physically big but soft and they always get a reaction out of him. I really want to start telling them off myself as I think DS has felt betrayed by me not intervening but it is hard when their mother is right there condoning their behaviour. I don't want to give up on group activites as some of them are very good and DS really needs to make some nice friends. I am feeling very stressed and angry about the whole situation.

That's horrible. What a miserable experience for you and your DS. If the groups are organised or facilitated by anyone then really do speak to them. I am sure they would want to know that this was going on. Quite a few home ed children are home ed because they have been bullied at school and it's really important that children find home ed groups a safe place. At the groups I go to, we have occasionally had issues and tried different strategies, such as a third party speaking to the parents involved, or speaking to all the children collectively about the behaviour that's expected from them at group. They've seemed fairly successful.
If that's not possible, then do you think you could tell their mother that you are going to speak to the children yourself and invite her to be there while you do?

Cheers Lilyfire - the mother would not like me to tell off her children. I am quite sure of that. She is quite a forceful character. She is of the opinion that the children must resolve these things themselves and that my DS is the weak one for crying and coming to me for help.

Not much advice, but I fully sympathise who your problem. I had a similar experience with my eldest -- the core group at my HE group are also of the 'let the kids sort it out, won't tell them off' variety and while most are lovely kids, there were a couple who had horrible bullying behaviour. My DS's speech and behaviour started to deteriorate and he became so miserable, and after seeing ridiculously violent behaviour explained away rather than dealt with (things were being thrown at a barely walking toddler and nothing done about it, in fact the thrower yelled at a parent for saying it wasn't nice and was backed up for it!) I just couldn't go back anymore. Both I and the kids felt unsafe. I went and found other groups for the kids to join (Badgers, Martial Arts).

I hope you can resolve the problem, it's so sad when a few people's rotten behaviour spoils things.

Don't surrender to the adult conspiracy. The other mother in this situation is acting assertively as if her laissez-faire style of parenting is acceptable. If her children are bullying other children, then it isn't (laissez-faire is great when someone has kindly children who get how to interact in a socially acceptable manner).

So you override her. She should be taking responsibility for teaching her children the social codes. She isn't. So you have to, as far as it affects your child.

You watch your son, you stay close. If her children start to treat him in a bullying manner, you immediately say, in your best authoritarian voice, "NO! You do NOT hit other children; you do NOT call other children names in that manner; what absolutely unacceptable behaviour. If you cannot play nicely with other children, then you are to leave them alone. Go and play somewhere else, NOW, and when you are ready to be civilised, you can come back and play with Ds" Then you turn your back and start playing a fun game with your DS and any other children on the scene.

For me that's the key with antisocial behaviour among such little children - it just needs closer policing. Much harder, of course, with teenagers (especially girls) where exclusion and snarkiness is so much more subtle and the adult-radars are so attuned. But at 6, if someone was being mean to my child, hell yes, I'd wade straight in if the instigator's parent wasn't doing so.

Thanks Derbykangaskhan and ommmward. Sorry to hear about your little boy's horrid experiences Derby. It is good to 'enable' your children to be free but not to the point where it encroaches on someone else's freedom.

Ommmward - you have summed up what I have decided to do. I feel quite anxious about it as I am 'breaking into' a group of people who have an established relationship and I will become the bossy shouty lady but I feel I have to show my own DS what is acceptable normal behaviour. I am going to tell him to ignore them completely (as his reactions were 'feeding' them) and I am going to do the bollocking telling off.

And you can also quite accurately point out to her that you are modelling an appropriate response for your ds to follow in the future; showing him how to be assertive in saying what he doesn't find acceptable.

I agree with the mom who said to override the irresponsible mother. And with this...
And you can also quite accurately point out to her that you are modelling an appropriate response for your ds to follow in the future; showing him how to be assertive in saying what he doesn't find acceptable.

Thats exactly what I would do too. My son had an issue with a lad who was bigger than he was but a softer mentality. My son threw this lad to the ground and hit him once and I dealt with it immediately. My son isnt like that at all, he had a bad week when he reacted like this, but he never did it again... well unless he was provoked, he will stand up for himself.

coconutty's response is great. Short and to the point. And the idea of modelling the sort of behaviour you want your son to learn as well - fab! Disregard my meanderings earlier - everyone else came up with better ideas :)

kumquats, I bet you're not the only one who feels that way about these boys.

You may find support amongst the other parents when you become the 'bossy shouty lady', as ime, the 'established relationships' in these groups are not always as they seem.

Hi Kumquats - Im sorry to hear about your experiences at a HE group (just goes to show that bullying doesnt just happen at school sadly)

What are the groups like (in general) that you have been too? I ask because the bigger groups I have been to all have anti bullying policies which ime are enforced.
Chat to the people who organise the meetings - as organisers they need to stop antisocial behaviour amongst the adults and children that attend imo.

If this was me I wouldnt try to tackle it on my own - Id definitely get talk to the organiser and also say to the mother of the child ("it is not acceptable for your son to hit other children, regardless of whether you think it is")

I would say an abridged version of Ommwards words to "NO! You do NOT hit other children; you do NOT call other children names in that manner; what absolutely unacceptable behaviour. If you cannot play nicely with other children, then you are to leave them alone. Go and play somewhere else, NOW, and when you are ready to be civilised, you can come back and play with Ds"

Please let us know how you get on - and all the best for the future happiness for your families home education! :)

And you can also quite accurately point out to her that you are modelling an appropriate response for your ds to follow in the future; showing him how to be assertive in saying what he doesn't find acceptable

This I like very much.

That sounds like an excellent plan! If you are worried about being the "bossy shouty lady" then you could be extra nice to everyone and especially to the out-of-hand kids when they are behaving. Then they will see that you are not "bossy shouty lady" but rather "very nice lady who shouts when people misbehave."

This approach has worked well for me with some local miscreants who used to damage my property. I was sure that they were nice kids and it just hadn't occurred to them that a human being would be affected by their actions. They were clearly doing it out of boredom, so giving them the opportunity to help me repair the fence they'd kicked a hole in helped with that. They warmed to me instantly.

Thank you all. I get some great advice on this forum! I'll let you all know how I get on after the next meet up.