Anyone with HEd and school ed children? Does it work for you?

[catnipkitty]

Hi

Looking for some advice/reassurance please! DD1 is in yr 3 at school. DD twins left year 2 in october to be HEd. Once DH agreed to let me give HE a try we decided to try HE we talked to the girls about it and gave them the choice. DD1 decided to stay at school, she particularly likes the choir and is doing very well academically. DD twins are really happy and thriving at home :)

DD1 has good and bad days at school, she often complains that it's boring and struggles with the social aspect, but occaisionally she comes home buzzing having had a great day. 1 day she can't wait to leave school, another day she says she'll miss it if she leaves. Sigh. I know she'd thrive at home but I feel she's getting really stressed with the fact that she's being given the choice, doesn't know what to do, enjoys some aspects of school yet sees her sisters having a good time at home. She even said the other day that everything would be ok if i 'hadn't started with all this home education business' :( I feel awful that in doing something that's supposed to help the children have a better life I've caused one of them stress and distress.

Any advice/help/reassurance gratefully received. Thank you.

Hi, no words of comfort yet I'm afraid. Just wanted to answer because I am in the same boat.

I have DS1 & DS2 at home, after having bullying & settling problems at school. DS2 left 18 months ago at the start of year 6, having been bullied/isolated for all of year 5, followed by DS1 10 months ago, at Easter, in year 8, having struggled to cope with the stresses of grammar school. Both are now happy, settled & learning from home.

DS3 is in year 6 & is adamant he wants to stay at school, doesn't want to spend all day with his brothers (boy, how I can understand that!) & enjoys the social side of school & would miss his mates. However, at the same time, he whinges every time we go out on a HE social or learning thing, seems to lots of 'illness', stomach ache, tiredness etc - anything to get a day off school. He moans about the boring lessons, has started to look at the school rules differently & comments on how unfair they are. He has also 'switched off' from learning outside of school, so homework is a nightmare. He barely tries at school, does 'just enough' to stay close to the top (not top, ever, he just won't put the extra effort in).

I have watched the spark go out in his eyes for anything remotely linked to learning & it's heartbreaking. Trouble is, I'm not sure if it's school doing it, the fact he might secretly want to home Ed, or he sees home education & school education completely separate & compartmentalises the two, which means he does nothing outside of the school grounds/hours.

I thought giving him the choice was the responsible thing to do (& honestly thought he would jump at the chance of leaving school). Now though, I'm not so sure & I wish I had just made the decision for him & taken him out of school.

Not sure if I've hi-jacked your thread, or if the above offers you any comfort/help/ideas...

Thank you for your reply, it does help to know i'm not the only one in this position and you could be describing my daughter exactly! I also really thought DD1 would jump at the chance to leave school, but she seems genuinely torn (DD twins on the other hand couldn't wait to leave, used to ask me everyday, and don't miss a single thing about school). My latest approach is to just be positive and encouraging about her day at school and not get stressed about her making a decision, after all I just want her to be happy...

We went through this recently. DD1 came out of school during YR1 and loved it. DD2 wanted to stay, she was in reception at the time. DD1 adamently never wanted to go back and was pretty easy case closed! DD2 saw her sister having a much better time and spending more time with us. (I also have a pre-school son) when she went into YR1 she enjoyed it less and yo-yoed on a decision whether she wanted to be in school or not.

We set a review date, at the end of the first half-term we sat down and had a chat about it and decided to give HE a try for at least the next half term. She didnt take to it very much but at the review date (xmas hols) was still prefering the idea of being at home so we said we would review it at the end of YR1. Having a date to work to meant the subject wasn't constatntly hanging over us like every day is an option.

In the end for us we just had to make the decision to try and then to give it a fair chance. She loves it now and I cant see her going back to YR2.

I have to have the same decision about my son in 12months time.
Good luck and hope that helps.

Thank you Snozcumber, in a way we have a date to work to - she is doing the Young Voices choir at the O2 Arena on March 6th with the school choir which she's really excited about, so once that's done we'll have a chat. It's a good idea to then reset the date if she's still not sure. In our area the schools are oversubscribed so it's unlikely she'd get her place back if we trialled HE and she changed her mind.

Snozcumber: I have to have the same decision about my son in 12months time.

As he knows no different, wouldn't it make sense to keep him home? You do not have to fail school to qualify for home ed. :o

I haven't been in your shoes with the home ed thing, but I did have a child who found making choices hugely stressful when young.

You know the common wisdom when it comes to parenting toddlers, about how you may be able to avoid tantrums and give them a sense of empowerment by asking whether they want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Not mine! If I asked her which shirt she wanted, she would have great long discussions about which shirt might be preferable and why, before bursting into tears. I finally realised that having an explicit choice was putting too much pressure on her because it suggested that there was a right and a wrong decision, and she worried about getting it wrong. Then I hit on the idea of just telling her to go put a shirt on. She was still choosing, of course, but wasn't getting all hung up on the choosing. Or I would simply hand her a shirt which I had got out of the drawer for her to wear. Sometimes she'd wear it, and sometimes she'd say, "No, I want the blue shirt!" and get that one instead. No more big "decisions", and no more tears.

We adults often like to rationalise our decisions, to make lists of pros and cons and talk things through. But possibly what your daughter needs is not to discuss it rationally, but just to let herself feel whatever she feels and act accordingly.

I wonder whether it might be time to completely stop bringing up the subject with your daughter about whether she wants to be home educated. She knows home ed is on offer for her, so maybe if you just keep taking her to school every day she can get on with her life there until the day comes (if it ever does) when her instinct finally says "no more! I'm leaving school!" and she tells you so.

...says the woman who is constantly nagging her husband to change career for something he'll like better, because he keeps talking about how much he dislikes his job. But he is clearly not ready to make a change. Oops, do as I say, not as I do!!

Thank you Saracen and you're right, i've come to the same conclusion myself about not mentioning HE to her anymore. She certainly seems more relaxed about things since I've done that (and she started a conversation the other day "When I'm home educated..." and i still bit my tongue while cheering inside!).

sdeuchers totally agree with you and dd2 never failed at school. It would certainly make my life easier for him to be at home and not have to go through all the routine of schooling again. But, I also believe that each child should be considered sperately and not just dragged along with what the rest of the family do. Ds1 is a totally different person and character to either dds and therefore a dcision needs to be made what would suit him best.

I obviously do not want to send him to school to set him up to fail, but also do not want him to feel like he had no choice.
Probable overthink!

However, I'd suggest that a 4yo would generally be happiest doing what the rest of the family are doing. He can always try school when (or if) he asks to do so. My DD tried it for a term in Y5 to see what it was like (there was no expectation that she would stay in).