What can I do to encourage my daughter to spend time on her own?

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, my nearly 7 year old daughter is very, very demanding of my attention. I know that playing with her is very important, but it's just endless. She wants my full attention all the time. I know how important is is for children of her age to have time on their own but I don't know how to encourage it.

I took her to a play centre today and said "I need to read this book now, can you go and play?" She refused and sat by me the whole time. She was content most of the time to sit in silence but didn't go and play. I thought she'd get bored enough to want to play. It does baffle me.

She doesn't like drawing, writing or making things. She will cut and stick on her own for a limmited time. The only thing she wants to do on her own is watch TV or a DVD. She goes through phases of favourate films, and wants to watch them every day. It does give me a break, but I feel guilty that it's not really good for her.

If she has a friend around, it's wonderful as she'll play with the friend all the time and I'll get some time out. I just wish I could find a way of making her more comfortable in her own company and not so demanding of attention. I should add that her play is also extreamly repetative.

Is there anything I can try?

Lougle said:

"A child with difficulties will naturally avoid those things which they find difficult."

I have three of those children. All three got anxious about school. Did it help them to avoid it? Hell yes!

Two of my children were suicidal. One was heading for trouble with the law.
All three had SEN. The youngest very very severely so. She didn't learn to read until she was 14.
By 15 she had started an OU started course, achieved all of the outcomes for it and passed well. Used that as evidence to get into FE College-she would never have passed a single GCSE with her difficulties.
At College she got straight distinctions and top marks in the class at Nat Btec level.

I'll say it again
Did it help them to avoid it? Hell yes!
All three are very happy self confident individuals in Uni level education now.

Can the same be said for the children left behind in the remedial groups/bottom sets my children were in at school? No.

Well said julienoshoes. You are an inspiration!

Well said, Julie!

My DD2 hated school. She didn't like other children at all. She would wander alone at playtime and destroy party invites so I didn't make her go. She hated, absolutely hated being in groups of children. She started telling me that when she was an adult she would live alone, do a job from home, and do her grocery shopping online so she never had to meet anybody. Did it help her to avoid it? Hell yes!

She's just spent the whole weekend at a sleepover for one of her best friend's 13th birthday. There were 25 children there (rather the mum than me!). She loved it. She has a wonderful group of friends who are amazing people, all great to be with, and an enviable social life. When we go out she chats to anyone and everyone.

I am absolutely certain that had I continued to force her into school she would still have all the same difficulties she had then, but 100 times worse.

MLL I love reading your progress. Keep posting for advice, there are lots of us on here who think you are doing all the right things :)

You know I've sat on my hands for 3 days. But THIS:

"mummyloveslucy Tue 17-Jan-12 21:04:32

No, just the children who need home ed the most."

What absolute rubbish.

MLL, look at your posts. Do an advanced search for your user name and ask yourself if the posts you read fill you with confidence that this little girl is getting what she needs?

I can tell you why I think she's not right for Home Ed:

1. You have been sold down the river regarding her SN. You seem to have no idea what level of need your DD has. She fluctuates wildly from 'some complex SN' to 'mildly delayed...about 2 years'(which in itself is an absolute farce. 2 years delay at the age of 6 is not 'mild') to 'Oh and yes, she does have SN although they are'nt severe.'

2. You clearly struggle yourself with written language. How will you teach your DD the right spelling if you struggle yourself?

3. You are exhausted. Your posts give the impression that your sole aim is to keep Lucy happy. Our role as parents is not to be a 'friend' to our children, or to 'make them happy', but to help them develop the skills they need to create their own happiness in life.

4. Your DD is not learning to spend time away from you. We could all do what makes for an easy life, but it won't help in the long run.

5. I truly believe that given your posts over the years, Lucy needs the opportunity to learn in an environment that is geared for getting the best out of her. As an example, I doubted DD1 (6.1) would ever read. But, her Special school said 'let's give it a go'. She can now recognise the letter 'a' and the names of the key ORT characters. A LONG way to go, and her 4 year old sister is Streets ahead of her. BUT her school has a plan, and a way - they are experts. They know what works.

I am the expert on DD1. I've known her since the day she was born. But they are the experts on educating children with SNs.

Please don't insinuate that I am prejudiced against Home Education for children who need it most. I think often of Lucy, and over the years have watched you struggle, firstly with a private school who couldn't meet her needs, then MS. She doesn't need to be out of the system. She needs the system to start working for her.

I have to agree with a lot of what Lougle says tbh. I do think your dd has been sold short in terms of getting her needs recognised and addressed. Firstly because of a private school who were never going to put in the support she needed but didn't have the guts to tell you whilst you were paying the fees.

Then I think you fell into HE because you didn't have a plan or because of a bad experience of school made you wary of exploring other options and you closed your mind to the possibility that dd could be happy and supported in a school.

I'm always struck by how your posts veer from being frustrated and tired with it all to everything being just perfect now you are HE.I'm sure dd must pick up on your feelings and that's probably confusing for her too.

Lots of people have advised you how to get dd assessed to ensure she'd get the support she'd need in school and although it can be a hard fight it's definitely worth it.

You could do that and still choose to HE if you felt at the end of it it wasn't enough.

My ds attends an independent specialist school with fees of £50,000pa all paid for by the LA because I used the system to get him the very best he could have.There are six in his class and usually one staff member to each child Do I think I could do what they do? Not a chance. Do I think that any HE'er could match it? No.

You don't have to do it all yourself, you could share the load with people who care and could give dd different opportunities too.

Oh and should add daily SALT and OT input and a psychologist for the sole use of the school's 60 children.

LA also pay for a taxi and escort to pick him up from the doorstep each morning and bring him home each evening.