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Original poster

What can I do to encourage my daughter to spend time on her own?

31 replies

mummyloveslucy · 16/01/2012 14:31

Hi, my nearly 7 year old daughter is very, very demanding of my attention. I know that playing with her is very important, but it's just endless. She wants my full attention all the time. I know how important is is for children of her age to have time on their own but I don't know how to encourage it.

I took her to a play centre today and said "I need to read this book now, can you go and play?" She refused and sat by me the whole time. She was content most of the time to sit in silence but didn't go and play. I thought she'd get bored enough to want to play. It does baffle me.

She doesn't like drawing, writing or making things. She will cut and stick on her own for a limmited time. The only thing she wants to do on her own is watch TV or a DVD. She goes through phases of favourate films, and wants to watch them every day. It does give me a break, but I feel guilty that it's not really good for her.

If she has a friend around, it's wonderful as she'll play with the friend all the time and I'll get some time out. I just wish I could find a way of making her more comfortable in her own company and not so demanding of attention. I should add that her play is also extreamly repetative.

Is there anything I can try?

OP posts:
Gumby · 16/01/2012 14:34

If I recall correctly has she got sn?
It might be helpful to post on that board?

Otherwise does she do any clubs, brownies etc

I too have a 7 year old and he's grown out of soft play. For her all the kids her age would have been at school so maybe she didn't want to play with preschoolers?

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 16/01/2012 14:41

Yes, she goes to Rainbows, swimming, piano and an acting club. She's not keen on anything with other children, but I still encourage it. She likes children one to one but not in a group setting.

I think she has grown out of soft play. If she had a friend there, she'd be fine, or if I went with her.

OP posts:
Gumby · 16/01/2012 14:43

Did you mean soft play by play centre? I'm confused
Tbh I'd read your book while she's at rainbows etc and fir now give her attention in the day

ommmward · 16/01/2012 14:44

Go with the preference. She likes playdates? Load her up with playdates!!!

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 16/01/2012 14:45

Oh and yes, she does have SN although they are'nt severe.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 16/01/2012 14:54

I will try to get her more play dates. It is a bit tricky as there's only one HE friend of her age group she likes playing with.

Gumby- I give her sooo much attention every day, I can barely have a single thought to myself. (She's having a nap at the moment)
I just think it's unhealthy for her to rely so heavily on other people for attention and entertainment. I really do want her to feel more comfortable in her own company. it's not to give me an easier life but more for her personal development.

OP posts:
ommmward · 16/01/2012 16:53

Some people are introverted. They may well enjoy spending time with other people, but in order to recharge their batteries, they need to spend some time on their own, in their own company, getting on with their own thing.

Some people are extroverted. They may well enjoy spending time on their own, but the way they re-energise themselves is by spending time with others.

Shamelessly lifted from Myers-Briggs personality type stuff - it can be really hard for an extroverted parent to appreciate the need for solitude that their introverted child has, and the same issue for intro parent, extro child.

Just sayin'.

Oh, and... of the half dozen families we play with regularly at the moment, only ONE family doesn't use schools. We socialise intensively at weekends and in holidays. (single parent families can be great for weekend socialising, or families where one parent is a workaholic academic - at least, that's been our experience :) )

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 16/01/2012 18:18

Thank you. I am definatly introverted and she is an absolute extrovert. Grin (Like her Dad). Well if she's happy and it's not harming her development, then I won't try to make her have time alone.
Although her Daddy is an extrovert himself, I think he finds it extreamly draining being with Lucy all day, especially at home.

we really don't know many children that Lucy could play with. We haven't really kept in touch with school friends as she didn't have many close friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 16/01/2012 18:21

Oh and I was going to say, the other day she was driving me crazy and I was feeling ill. My DH offered to take her out for the day, but 2 hours later I felt so lonely! I really missed her and wanted her to come home. (I supprised myself actually)

OP posts:
Lougle · 16/01/2012 21:46

"Oh and yes, she does have SN although they are'nt severe."

MLL I have to pick up on this. Your DD has significant SNs, according to your threads over the years.

I really don't think it will help to brush aside this fact. Home Educating Lucy means that you are providing for her needs. From the details you have posted, unless she has made phenomenal progress, her needs are far beyond those of a typical 7 year old.

Please, please, get her the help she needs Sad

Saracen · 17/01/2012 01:52

Agree with ommmward. This is how she is, right now anyway. It's hard on you. But it's easier to find other people for her to play with, and is a better match for her needs, than trying to get her to enjoy being alone.

BTW my older daughter was just the same. It was totally exhausting for an introvert like me. The only saving grace was that she liked other people just as much as me. I used a whole range of solutions to this at various times, including playdates and time with relatives and doting elderly neighbours, as well as paid childcare (she went to childminders while I worked part-time... ALONE, ah gloriously working alone!) and hired older kids as "trainee babysitters" to come look after her after school while I was elsewhere in the house.

My dd started enjoying her own company more from about the age of nine or so and now at 12 does her own thing all alone for about half of the day most days. She still likes to come find me and tell me stuff every 20 minutes or so, LOL. She was never cut out to be a lighthouse keeper.

Saracen · 17/01/2012 01:55

Actually come to think of it a large proportion of her time when she is "doing her own thing alone" involves social networking and online multiplayer games. Does that count as "alone"? She's not plaguing me anyhow! Grin

itsstillgood · 17/01/2012 12:48

I agree with Ommward and Saracen. Some people just need company more. My oldest is definitely an extrovert. Until he learnt to read (thankfully early!) the only peace I had was when he was asleep. I really found it difficult as I love time alone.
I normally very much in favour of limiting tv/computer but also very strongly believe that sometimes the best thing for the child is doing what keeps us as carers sane. If you need a break, stick on a film. Snuggle down with her under a blanket and read your book.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/01/2012 17:20

Thanks everyone. It's good to know that it'll get easier eventually.

Lougle- she is getting the help she needs. She sees having speech therapy, occupational therapy, excerscises for her retained reflexes and sees a bowel and bladder nurse. Appart from all this, she has a very dedicated family who give her a great dea of time and attention.
I don't really see what extra help she needs? Confused

She has come along extreamly well, but still has her difficulties. She's now been assesed as being in the lower ranges of average for her age for a lot of things. I know her progress will continue.

OP posts:
Gumby · 17/01/2012 17:29

I agree with Lougle

if you are finding her demanding in the day perhaps she does need additional help
a school has special needs provision

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/01/2012 17:34

She was 10 times worse at the end of a school day! Her whole life outside of school was spent panicing about it.

OP posts:
BoattoBolivia · 17/01/2012 17:42

My non Sn dd has always struggled to play alone. She is nearly 10 and will sometimes go up to her room to play, if I send her to take something upstairs and she gets distracted when there. Has she got story cds? I have found dd is more likely to play alone if she puts a cd on. She was an only child till she was 7 and it surprised me how unhapy she was in her own company.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/01/2012 17:44

Yes, she's got a few story CD's. We should use them more often. She does like them but we tend to use them in the car. It would be good at home too.

OP posts:
Lougle · 17/01/2012 18:36

I'm glad she's progressing, MLL.

I have to say that for children who are developing typically, I can see the appeal of home educating and allowing them to choose areas of interest to explore.

For a child with Lucy's history (albeit of course, only based on your postings over the years), I think it's the very worst thing you can do. A child with difficulties will naturally avoid those things which they find difficult.

DD1 gets anxious about school. Is it going to help her to avoid it? No.

I'll leave this...it never ends well and I've never once known you to listen to the advice posted Smile

ommmward · 17/01/2012 19:32

One day, Lougle, you will have to meet some of the HEed children I know, with special needs of various kinds, who are flourishing within home education, and especially some of the ones I know who have, when they were socially, academically and emotionally ready, gone on to flourish in a school environment, without need for statements and 1to1 support and all the other assistance that is needed for a child who will not otherwise cope in a school environment.

You're right - I very much doubt you'll end up agreeing with most of the regular posters on the home ed threads about this. From your last post, it seems to me that you consider that children should be made to confront their fears head on and made to engage with the things they find most challenging, and that this will help them to grow in confidence; I think quite a lot of us here have different approaches and a different value system. If MLL had your philosophy, Lucy would currently be in school. She doesn't; Lucy isn't. The end.

Me, I take my hat off to MLL. It has been an honour to watch the journey so far, and to be invited to share in it at one remove.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/01/2012 20:30

I always listen to good advice! Smile

Thank you ommmward! It's lovely to know that people like folowing our progress. I do usually make the mistake of posting after having a bad day though. We do have a tremendous amount of fun as well. Honest! Lucy is a real charactor and has us in stitches most days.

For what it's worth, my mum had the same oppinion as Lougle. I hated school, but had to go. It wouldn't have been an option to stay at home anyway, but she did agree that I should face my feers head on. I was a very bright baby/toddler. I was singing several nursery rhyms by 18 months apparently. I was a total extrovert until I started school at 4. I gradually became more and more shy and withdrawn. I went to a state school with a fab reputation. My mum made sure I got extra help, class room assistant and ed psych etc. I was 10 years old when I learned to read and right. My dad taught me after school for half an hour in a fun way.
Thankfully my parents gave me a love of books and that helped me a great deal. I'm not saying that all experiences of school are the same, but school isn't always the best thing for a child and certainly not a young child.

Lucy is just as able to learn about her interests as any other child of her age. She's recently been learning about the human body, the lungs, heart etc. She's really enjoyed it and remembers it. She's really enjoyed watching Downton Abbey and now wants to learn more about history. we'll be going to visit the house as well.
It is human nature to be curious and want to learn things. It's the same for all children. (Even those with special needs)

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/01/2012 20:45

I should add that it's quite normal for a child to be ready to learn to read at 10. In school though any late bloomers are made to feel like idiots. I thought I was so thick I'd never be able to live a normal life, and I was only 10. Sad

OP posts:
Lougle · 17/01/2012 20:58

Ommmward, what I have said on this thread bears no relation to my views of HE in general.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 17/01/2012 21:04

No, just the children who need home ed the most.

OP posts:
ommmward · 17/01/2012 21:15

Oh, ok, lougle. Very sorry if I misunderstood and misrepresented your last post.