HE an only child?

[asante]

I have a dd(5) who is profoundly deaf and started a mainstream primary this academic year. It's actually going OK, but I have recently felt that I could be helping her and letting her develop her interests at home so much better. There's been a few instances where her equipment has not been used properly, and to be honest I'm quite sick of dropping her off and worrying about whether the teacher is managing the classroom so that my dd can hear and pick up on what is going on. Because she speaks so well and her hair hides her hearing aids I think they quite often forget that she's deaf and really struggles with background noise.
Anyway, I have been mulling over taking her out and home educating her, probably just for a year or two as I finish my studies. However, she doesn't have any siblings and this is my main concern. Although, we live in a big city and I presume there must be a large HE community out there somewhere. Would really love to hear from others doing this with an only child and how you combat the socialising thing. Thanks.

I think it depends entirely on what sort of child you have and what she wants to do.

I used to think it was essential for home educated kids to spend plenty of time in the company of groups of other children who are of similar age. But as other home ed parents have pointed out, adults don't always spend large amounts of time in groups with others of a similar age! In fact, in terms of social interaction adults have a wide range of "normal", from those who spend most of their time alone to those who are with their family but not other people to those who like to be in the thick of things for hours every day.

I've now met quite a large number of home educated children, from those who, like my older daughter, are out and about every single day to those who, like my younger daughter, almost never leave their parents and don't particularly want to go out to new places and chat very often. The main thing is that they should have access to social opportunities if they want them, and should have access to family or to solitude if that is what they want. I really think that by and large, you can tell what the child needs by looking at what the child wants. It's never going to be perfect, but if you are home educating in a large city I can't think you would find it too difficult to get a reasonable social balance for your daughter.

To answer your question directly, my older dd (an only child until she was 7) was so socially driven that I decided that my main job in parenting her was meeting that need. This resulted in many afternoons spent under an umbrella in the park while she played with whichever kid I had managed to borrow, and a lot of ferrying her around on the constant whirl of playdates, and cultivating the acquaintance of every parent who showed any interest in getting their children together with mine, and attending home ed groups which weren't entirely my cup of tea because (joy of joys) there were kids there. Now she is 12 it has got easy because she can organise her own social life and often transport herself to wherever she wants to go: we live in a city too, which is fantastic for giving older children independence.

Why not find the home ed groups near you and go along to reassure yourself that there will be easy contact with other families if and when you want it? People who have sociable kids and live more rurally often find ways to make things work too, but I should think it will be easier for you because of where you live.

It is important for deaf children to get used to spending times in 'normal' enviroments (I speak with experience). Getting used to background noise, asking people who are unaware of the problem to repeat etc is vital as an older child and adult. I would be concerned that she would net get enough experience if HE.
You can always 'top up' her school learning if necessary - all they learn in primary is reading, writing and maths - so easy to top up in holidays etc and use school for life experience.

Sorry, youngermother1, I disagree that an HE deaf child would not gain those experiences. In the family, there will also be background noise, occasions (especially as she gets older) when she will need to ask for a question to be repeated, etc. The main difference with HE, IMHO, is that the child will have control over it and will be able to make adjustments that work for her.

In school, she is likely to be getting very tired by the sheer effort of concentrating and participating in a noisy environment. This may (later, if not now) impair her learning and mask what she can do, pointing up what she cannot do.

Asante, if I were you, I'd go for it. A 5yo needs not to learn that she can't compete with the hearing children. She needs to learn confidence in herself. I have HEed two (hearing) DC from birth to adulthood and have childminded children with special needs. I would have HEed all of them - not through ideology but because HE allows you to meet the child's individual needs.

My best friend has had very significant hearing loss since birth. She left school with 1 CSE (a very long time ago!) and still feels that she is not as intelligent as others. This is so untrue - she spent most of school missing what was going on. After leaving, she got a job in a (mainstream) craft-based area that involved working in a small workroom with a few people (others of whom were also deaf). She spent 35 years working in an extremely specialist (still craft-skill-based) area and ended up doing some lecturing and working abroad. She is not stupid and I think that HE with a motivated parent would have made a huge difference to her academic attainment and self-confidence.

Sometimes people point out (wrt HE) that you do not starve someone before sending them into a famine zone. I'd suggest that HEing your DD for a couple of years now could pay huge dividends in her confidence later. You can model helping her to get what she needs in a calm, uncompetitive environment and she can learn that there is no shame in having some different needs from others.

One of my children has been identified as having partial hearing loss. We only received the diagnosis last year and were already HEing (Actually in school I was told he was lazy and 'off in his own world' didn't even suggest something might be wrong with his hearing) All of the hearing support workers who work with us see absolutely no disadvantages with us continuing with home ed, in fact one of them is very impressed, as she said DS will be learning in any situation and most importantly in situations he won't necessarily encounter in school. Also I can use the teaching and participation guidelines given to teachers for hearing impaired children directly myself , and adjust our learning sessions accordingly, and that for us is a huge advantage. I'm not anit-school but quite honestly no way would he have had all his needs adequately met in school. He wasn't receiving it when we withdrew him that's for sure.

I think you should try it out and see how it goes. School is always there if you need it.

• as well met in school

We are vintage home educators who removed our three children who have SEN asante. I've just asked dh who was born profoundly deaf -but was fortunate to have treatment later which gave him partial hearing aged 10, whether he would home educate a child in your circumstances.

He thought about it seriously and then said a resounding 'Yes'.

Home educated children are out and about in the real world, not isolated from it-so encounter all of the situations she will need to learn to cope. The difference will be that your daughter will be with an adult who truly understands her difficulties and will never forget that she is deaf, and will make sure that her equipment is working. Home educating in a big city, should give you access to local groups of home educators, who (in our experience with a child with severe SEN) will be on hand to help whenever she needs it and allow her to gain her independence at her own pace.

We think you should give it a go.....I think you'll be astounded at how fast she comes on.

Thankyou so much for all your replies.

Her main struggle in the classroom, and life in general, is background noise. Her targets right now are to ask her teacher and peers to repeat if she hasn't heard something, to report her equipment if there is a problem etc. However, I find her teacher very unapproachable and her teacher of the deaf (who visits for an hour per week) is not allowed to communicate with me directly (new policy, can only write to each other in a diary now, no phonecalls/emails allowed). So I feel isolated from what is going on at school and there isn't a particularly caring 'vibe' eminating from there either. In a general sense, I don't know if deaf children's needs can ever really be met in a mainstream setting - and in our area 'inclusion' is the big push, there are no deaf schools for children like my daughter who are not behind in any way.

I do feel like I could be helping her build up her confidence and knowledge so much better at home. It 'feels' absolutely right to me, like this is the way I should have always done it. I just also feel scared and a bit judged if I make this decision - however, I've read alot of the posts on here and realise this is very common and I'll get over that. I think my next step (as has been suggested) is to contact a group in my city. Thanks so much again.

also I'd suggest joining the Home Ed Special Needs email support group I don't know if there is anyone on there right now, home educating in the same situation, but I know they are damn good at brainstorming ideas to overcome particular difficulties faced by families home edding a child with a variety of SEN.

Hi asante, I agree with the advice on here that your DD's needs could be better met with HE.

Regarding the socialisation, this is an issue for me at the moment. I started HE at the end of November, and my DD (aged 9) has really been missing seeing her friends every day. We're lucky in having a couple of friends very close by - close enough to be in and out of each other's houses - so she sees them most days. I've arranged weekly/bi weekly visits with a couple of other friends too. It's the day to day bustle of being around lots of other children that she misses. It's been a time of adjustment for both of us, and she's starting to understand that you can't have it all ways, basically - if she has the advantages of HE (relaxed mornings, one-to-one attention, more freedom, more friends round to play after school), then she has to trade off the advantages of school (always other children to play with and talk to). I'm hoping that as she makes friends outside school and adjusts to our new routines, she won't feel the loss of "my best friends" (all the children with whom she had regular arguments and would often come home furious and stressed over ) so much.

I'd certainly recommend visiting your local HE group - the people at the one I go to have been very welcoming and friendly, and given me loads of great advice. Does your DD have lots of friends at school? Is she outgoing and sociable (great post on this from Saracen btw)? Do you think she'd miss the hustle and bustle of school and lots of children around, or would she prefer to interact with people on a more one to one basis? The former is a bit trickier for HEed children, but certainly still doable, if you go to lots of activities.

I don't think you'll regret giving HE a go, and remember if it doesn't work out for you, then DD will be able to go back to school and you won't have lost anything. If you're not comfortable with her teacher and the situation, I'd advise you to go with your gut.

Yes, i do think she is a child who would miss the constant interaction with other children, she is very sociable. Also, the school she is in is not our catchment school. We had to do a placement request and were lucky to get a place, so I'm almost certain that she would not get her place back if we wanted it.

I'm definitely going to get in contact with a local group. I have a very strong gut feeling that this is the right thing to do and I don't want to regret not doing it now when she has not been too adversely affected by the lack of care from school.

"so I'm almost certain that she would not get her place back if we wanted it."

Yes this was a big factor for me in deciding whether or not to go with gut instinct too - DD's school was oversubscribed and I was scared that if HE was a disaster, then her place would be gone and we'd be stuck in hell together! I first wanted to take her out of school in Sept, but didn't for exactly that reason.

Luckily for us her school got a very unexpectedly awful ofsted report, and was put onto special measures (had been good with outstanding features before), so I figured that they wouldn't be quite so oversubscribed for a while, and that I should take the plunge and expect her place to remain open if HE didn't work for us.

It early days, but so far I've got no regrets.

We are home ed our only child. He's 5yo and all his friends either go to school or are too young to go. Funnily enough he hasn't made any friends among the other home ed children. DS is extremely social so I am not worried at this point about social interaction. DS has some speech issues but this hasn't stopped him yet from making friends -and none of the little friends has made this an issue either.