Excited but scared. My 13yo DSD wants us to flexi/homeschool her! Advice?

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Fair bit of background required...

DSD (one of 3 DCs who live with DH's exW) has always struggled with school. She never took to reading, unlike her twin, and generally found things difficult. She's had a few tests through the school for dyslexia but nothing conclusive.

Yr6 was just awful due to the SATs, but in yr7 at a new school she really seemed to settle. Still struggling academically, but happy. However in yr8 she started getting migraines and has missed loads. She is constantly ill and exhausted, and now the school health officer is getting involved.

So today exW forced DD to go back to school, DSD was crying. In the end she said "I want to be homeschooled by dad and wobbly"

I'm amazed she said it - and she really means it. We've mentioned homeschooling in general but she's obviously latched onto the idea. ExW is not keen, due to the usual worries - socialising, exams etc... Fair enough. We genuinely feel that DSD would do well with HEing... school just isn't right for her, she's clever but not in an academic way. TBH we've always dreamed of HEing her especially as the school is rubbish! Work not marked, cancelled lessons, disruptive pupils not dealt with etc... and DH said today that we can do it (he's off work for the foreseeable future due to injury and I'm looking for PT work)

So... ExW will take some convincing. DH suggested flexischooling and she's interested - maybe that'd be a good compromise? Either afternoons only, or certain lessons. I know though that the school don't have to oblige do they.

Right, to the point then (finally!) - exW is going to arrange a meeting for her and DH to discuss DSD's future at the school. I am basically wondering what DH should say and ask. I have heard that some schools try to dissuade parents from deregistering etc so DH needs to know exactly what their rights are IYSWIM (we are in England btw)

Any help would be gratefully received :)

I was wondering about the education act - is it right to say that because she is missing so much school due to her health, she is not receiving an education suited to age, aptitude and ability (or whatever it says) - and therefore as parents DH and exW need to find an alternative? Or am I barking up the wrong tree about the use of the act?

Also how does it work with the LEA as DSD doesn't actually live with us? She would be here during the day and some nights, but legally still resident with her mum (we only have a tiny 2 bed house and our 2 toddlers)

Her parents have the right to deregister her from school and HE her, just because they "want to" - they don't have to explain or justify why, though they can explain their reasoning to the school if they feel they want to have the school see their point of view. But it's their choice to deregister, even if the school don't show any signs of understanding why they want/need to.

Oddly enough, while she's in school there's no law that says she has to be getting a suitable education, so the parents wouldn't be able to use the act to force the school to do anything about the problems!

As you realise, flexischooling is at the gift of the headteacher - you may find that he/she is prepared to give it a go, specially when there are known to be problems, but others are just dead set against it and won't try it out. Sometims they are prepared to do it short-term after ill health as a way of building back up to going fulltime.

The LEA won't mind if its the non-resident parent who is doing the education - legally you can also use tutors, have grandparents involved, whatever works for your family. The important bit is that the parents are making sure she gets a suitable education.

HTH

Thanks for your advice. Hopefully the school will agree to meet soon. DH is going to talk to DD now.

Hi

I don't know which country you are in, but I've got some info on my website about flexischooling in England here edyourself.org/articles/helaw.php

In a flexi-schooling arrangement children are registered as pupils at the school and attend part-time, but spend other parts of the week being educated off-site by their parents. This arrangement is a matter for the head teacher, rather than the local authority, to negotiate with parents. The child will be required to follow the National Curriculum whilst at school but not whilst he or she is being educated at home.

The school register can be marked Code B for approved educational activity which must be of an educational nature and must be supervised by a person authorised by the proprietor or head teacher. More information on flexischool can be found in the Government Guidance on Pupil Registration Regulations page 22 and in the Government's Home Education Guidelines
[hyperlinks given from the web]

At present as I understand it, your stepdaughter is missing school because she is ill. If she has sick notes then this is authorised absence. If there aren't sick notes, then I don't know how the register would be marked. Legally the parents do not have to provide education while a registered pupil is off sick. However, it could be argued that the school has a duty to offer alternatives to a registered pupil such as virtual learning or a home tutor if a pupil is unable to attend school because of ill health.

It doesn't have to be the parent-with-residence who home educates full time or who provides the part-time education in a flexichool arrangement but I guess the parent-with-residence could change his/her mind at any point in the future which might make life more difficult.

Fiona

This meeting is between both of your dsd's parents and the school, is that right?

In your view, in your dsd's view, in her doctor's view, is the school situation contributing to her illnesses? If it's clear that that is the case, I should think that both school and your dsd's mum would see that it's better for her to attend part-time - where her absences are planned - than continue to be ill and miss lots of school unpredictably. Though most schools are not keen on flexischooling, they often make an exception where the child is ill.

I guess the obvious questions for your dh to raise at the meeting with the school and his daughter's mum are, Shall we try flexischooling? and If she carries on being so ill, exactly how is the LA going to support her learning?

I have an idea (only anecdotal) that LAs often drag their heels about providing extra help to children whose attendance is poor due to chronic illness. So it might be wise to try to pin them down: exactly when are they going to start providing extra tutoring or whatever, how many hours a week, etc? And then get that plan in writing. Has the school involved the Local Authority yet? They should do this at an early stage. "Access to Education for children and young people with Medical needs - Summary" is here www.education.gov.uk/publications/standard/publicationdetail/page1/DFES%2f0025%2f2002 You might be able to get more advice about the LA's obligations to educate an ill child on the Special Needs board.

If you and your dh are keen on full-time home education, I don't think it's a wise move to discuss that in any detail during the meeting with the school. For one thing, schools are generally prejudiced against HE and will try to talk both parents out of it. For another, the school's cooperation/consent isn't required and so they really have no useful role in discussing it. That would be a better conversation to have separately with your dsd's mum. Try to encourage her to express any concerns about HE on HE forums, so as to get answers from people who actually know what they are talking about, rather than asking questions of the school. Point out that the school really doesn't know any more about HE than she does herself. One doesn't ask a lifelong vegetarian how to roast a chicken.

That's all very useful info thanks. Yes, it's just DH and exW going. Not sure if DSD herself would be allowed to go. DH has said that I could go too, and I'm willing, but don't want to butt in. I've explained to him that the school have no say in HEing if that is what we decide on.

All 3 of us think flexi would be better - at least to start with. Not sure what DSD thinks as we haven't seen her since this argument happened.

I agree, far better to sort something out now than continue trying to force her. ExW and DD's relationship is getting quite strained over this. They can ask what arrangements would be possible and go from there I guess. It'd be nice for her to still see her friends there and stick with the subjects she enjoys. She swears she's not being bullied or anything, and the symptoms are genuine (she's got doctors notes, and is having various tests), but I don't think she can be totally happy if she is desperate to be completely homeschooled. I doubt she knows about flexi, so we will tell her and see what she thinks.

Sadly I'm LOLing at the idea of exW doing any research whatsoever. She's never been remotely interested in their schooling before (we actually moved up here in order to support them through school as she never helped) - and suddenly when the health officer starts interfering she's all proactive

Aaand breathe - must stay positive!

DSD phoned DH today to ask what HEing would involve. He also suggested the flexischooling idea, and she is interested, but still worried about going in at all - if it's in the morning and she feels unwell, she won't go.

Just got to bide our time now until the meeting next week - I'm wondering if it's a good idea to come up with a flexischooling 'proposal' beforehand, so they give a clear idea of what they are asking for? What should they say? Maybe deciding which subjects to do? Eg there's no point doing French ATM because she finds English literacy hard enough.

It's exciting. But the enormity of this is starting to sink in, especially as she's not even my DD and I'll be largely responsible for her education. Eeeeek.

"I'm wondering if it's a good idea to come up with a flexischooling 'proposal' beforehand, so they give a clear idea of what they are asking for?"

That's what most people seem to recommend. From what I've heard, schools often have a knee-jerk "no" reaction to flexischooling and can immediately see lots of negatives and no positives. The idea is to go in there with all the possible challenges you can imagine, together with your proposals for how to address them, BEFORE they make up their minds. If you just vaguely say "What about flexischooling?" and they say no, then you'd have to get them to reconsider, which involves backing down, which many people don't like to do! I should think this would also add to their impression of you as well-organised people who know what you're doing and are capable of educating your DSD.

I wonder also whether it might be a good tactic NOT to press for an immediate decision but rather to say "We have an idea which we'd like you to go away and consider and then maybe we could meet again?" As you probably know from parenting, when the kids spring some request on you and demand an instant answer then the word "no" often springs to your lips because it seems the easy and safe answer, though not always the right one!

"It's exciting. But the enormity of this is starting to sink in, especially as she's not even my DD and I'll be largely responsible for her education. Eeeeek."

I think you will find that the education side of things is much easier than you expect - and that it takes less time. On the other hand, it's probably going to be an adjustment for all four of you to get used to you and dh spending much more time with your dsd than you have done before. Even if you love it, it is a big change. And is there any chance that if all goes brilliantly and she has a great time with you and learns loads, her mum may come to feel a bit jealous of the relationship you have with her daughter? (I don't know what sort of person she is - but I think I might feel slightly jealous if I were in her shoes, though I hope I'd try to push that feeling aside.)

Anyway, I'm sure you can all sort it out together!

Thanks Saracen that all makes a lot of sense. We are jotting down a few ideas and will talk with DSD and her mum before the meeting.

Hmm, the jealousy... Yes, it's a worry. DSD has got a right bollocking in the past when she has said she wanted to live with us, but not this time AFAIK. ExW actually just said "yes, it'd have to be dad and wobbly because I can't do it". I've always been quite clear that I'm not trying to be an extra mum (it's easier because I'm actually closer to their age than DH's ) so I might find it quite hard to be disciplined in that respect.

I'm also unsure about the amount of autonomy DSD would have. Because of the literacy struggles, she has become really disillusioned with school as it's all "too difficult". Her natural curiosity has been gradually chipped away by poor schooling and a self-confessed disinterested mum, though I can still see a spark there when for example she's texting DH at all hours about earthquakes and wars :)

If this were our DD we would definitely allow a deschooling period (I've done a bit of HE research as we've considered it for our toddlers) but I'm concerned about her mum (understandably) being annoyed if she does not seem to be doing anything.

If you and your dh are keen on deschooling, why not just start with something which you know she will definitely like? With a child who is halfway willing and interested (which this one is, by the sounds of it) you can let her deschool while still doing activities which most people would class as "educational." The key is to let her choose. Work with her to make lists of things she might like to do, then try them. For example, read aloud to her or listen together to audiobooks on subjects she likes. Take her to a museum, a castle, a historical re-enactment, a play, a robot-building workshop. Help her to plan, shop for and cook a nice lunch. Watch DVDs about earthquakes and wars. People on home ed lists will have plenty of fun suggestions if you let them know what sorts of things your dsd likes. You don't have to be doing ostensibly educational things every minute she is with you, and nobody has to know that she is actually spending the majority of her time when she's with you chilling out, and that there are days when you do no "work" whatsoever. (There will also be days when she learns tons, so it all balances out.) And of course, given that she's been ill, everyone is bound to recognise that some of her time needs to be spent just resting: if you were a total slave driver then she'd carry on just as tired and ill as when she was at school, so what would be the point of having time out of school?

For maximum flexibility, don't give anybody advance lesson plans which you might later feel trapped into following even if they don't work. After the fact, if anyone asks, you can present what she's done with the right spin so the school/LA and your dsd's mum see how much she has learned. They don't have to know that it wasn't all part of some Grand Plan which you concocted alone in advance and foisted upon your dsd. They also don't have to know of the various ideas you came up with which she rejected, or the workbook you bought because she thought she'd like it, and discarded after two days.

You say her mum has not been terribly involved with her education in the past, so she's probably not even going to notice if there are some subjects you don't tackle just at first.

I think you can get away with a considerable degree of autonomy if it seems like a good idea to you.

You're probably right. Apparently she's told DSD "you can do whatever you want, I don't care" - seems there's many more issues between them than we thought. :(

Shame our house is so tiny, otherwise I think she would move in like a shot.

Update :(

Met up with DSD today and she says she doesn't know what she wants (fair enough obviously, it's a big decision) but I think she's changed her mind. Again, fair enough... But it seems the only reason she has is because her mum has said she doesn't like homeschooling. Unfortunately exW has a lot of control over DSD so she never gets to make her own decisions.

DH is really upset and angry. Not because it seems like DSD wont be flexi/homeschooled after all - but because it so clearly has been taken out of her hands.

I will continue seeking out resources etc because when they meet the school DH will try to form a contingency plan if DSDs migraines/attendance gets worse... But I think she will just struggle on because her mother will force her to.

I should've known it was too good to be true. :(