Has HE ever been the worst decision made?

[threesnocrowd]

Hi all, I love this thread and I have learned so much already. Everone seems to be really positive despite the odd concerns that crop up from time to time. Are there any HEdders out there though for whom it hasn't worked?

I am concerned about the cost. I want them to do lots of clubs and things so that they can make plenty of friends and feel a part of something bigger than just our family

How do I teach my DS (age 6) how to write when he is really reluctant to? He is struggling at school because of the pressures to read and write. He eventually got reading sussed because he really wanted to and parictised like mad. Writing is a completely different issue. They've been doing a lot of it in preparation for the SAT's next week.

How do you deal with those moments when there are things to do (tidying, washing, important phonecalls etc) and the children just won't let you get on. I tend to do those things while DS1 is at school and DS2 is at pre school. I still have DS3 at home.

How do you teach different aged children at the same time? I would like the idea of doing a certain amount of 'formal education' every day. I feel that routine is important in my life and therefore I would need it to continue

I may well think of more questions later but for now I'm hoping that some of you wonderful HEdders can help.

TNC: How do I teach my DS (age 6) how to write when he is really reluctant to? He is struggling at school because of the pressures to read and write

If he was EHE, you would not need to worry about it. At 9.5, my DD did not write except functionally (birthday cards, etc.). By 12 she was filling notebooks with novels. There's no reason that he might not decide to practise that just as he did reading - when he had a purpose. And in EHE there are no SATs.

I involved the DC in any tidying, washing etc. that went on (not much ).

Because there is no age-related curriculum in EHE, everyone gets on and does things at their own level. So my then 3yo listened to the whole of the Narnia series as I read it to the then 5yo. He discussed things in the story at his own level. Similarly, the 5yo listened to Postman Pat and Noddy being read to the 3yo. I'm not sure what you had in mind for 'formal education' but you could, for example, have a maths workbook that you work through with DS1. DS2 could have some sort of sheet as well, so that he is sitting with you. You can all play a board game together, cook, make things, find interesting garden creatures, sing songs, sing songs in French or Spanish (if you want to learn a language), etc.

TNC: I am concerned about the cost. I want them to do lots of clubs and things so that they can make plenty of friends and feel a part of something bigger than just our family

They are a bit young for that yet, but you could start to save something each week. School is not free - e.g. if you wanted them to play an instrument or go swimming you'd probably have to pay for that extra. Not to mention special clothing and equipment (and replacing it when lost), important trips to the cinema , contributions to PTA, etc. You also get a lot less peer pressure when EHE and the costs tend not to come until much later (no having to invite 30 people to a party...).

I do know people who tried home education and then decided to send their children to school, but I don't think I've ever known of anyone who regretted even trying it. It's a very different way of living and learning, and an interesting experience even if you decide it isn't something you want to continue.

I don't think everybody needs to try HE. But I rather suspect that everybody who feels drawn to it and quite curious about it needs to try it. If you don't try it, you may always wonder what you missed.

Hi,

Are there any local scout groups or sports clubs that your ds might enjoy? my dd is an only child with no close family. i have found that HE offers her a chance to have friends who have similar interests to her, regardless of their age, rather than forcing her to find friends among a group of kids the same age who happen to live nearby. she loved school and was popular, but honestly has more friends now than before, and their ages range from 3 to 16!

we found a local dance school that offers a variety of classes and, because she can sleep in of a morning, she has the energy to do 6 hours of classes per week (and it's reasonably priced too thank god!)

We also get together with our lcoal HE groups for activities. go on yahoo groups and search for HE xx area to find out what is going on near you.

While children are at school for 6 hours a day, they are not learning for that entire time. You can probably cover the same amount of work in an hour of one-to-one tutoring. When a child is off school sick, the Local Authority is obliged to provide five hours home tuition per week as this is considered sufficient to keep them up to date with their classmates.

I like a structured approach to learning, i have a timetable and get flustered without a routine. That said, we rarely do more than 3 hours structured learning per day. obviously, dd is learning the whole time, but we just aren't sitting down at the table with workbooks.

I really wouldn't worry about your son's writing, he will discover it in his own time. that's the joy of HE - YOU set the curriculum. my dd is 9 and we've only been HE since last september. we use proper workbooks for maths and english but everything else is led by what she wants to learn. we do a topic per half term (like reptiles, WW2, space, the brain).

i started off setting her a book to read each week but found that some weeks she wasn't interested. so, rather than nag her, i stopped it and now she reads when she feels like it. some weeks she might not read much but then others (like this week) she's on her second book already!!!

I've found that our HE 'style' has relaxed a lot over the past few months, especially with the sunny weather. but i know that dd is still learning all the time (even playing on the wii is hand-eye coordination etc) and, more importantly, she is having fun.

i don't know about teaching more than one but i would imagine that you could set work at appropriate levels at do it at the same time, say have a maths session, then english, then art etc.

oh dear, i've gone on again haven't i.

CheerMum you have definitely not gone on! :) I could read forever the experiences that people are having with HE. I can't yet find any bad ones though. I kind of want someone to say that sometimes their DC just drive them up the wall and they really feel like they need a break?! No one says that and yet I fear it may well happen to me at times and I don't want to feel like the worst mother in the universe.

Thank you all for your encouragement. I am very involved with my children and I love the deep and meaningful converstaions that we have. They are often at bedtime and its so cosy. I just wish they didn't always have to be so rushed and I am sure that they have a ton of questions that come to mind all day while at school that they can't remember by the time they get home. I don't believe they are only thinking about things at home!

I worry about the behaviour at school. During the holidays my DS is a pleasure to have around and the 3 of them play brilliantly together. After school though its all fighting and nastiness. I think its probably as a result of all the pressure that's on them all day and all the negative bahaviour that they butt up against all day. Its very sad to see them like that.

DS1 who is at school now and coming to the end of yr2, still won't go into the classroom by himself. I watch his face each morning as he goes in and you can see the knot in his stomach. I don't think he dislikes school. He loves the learning (except the writing) but play times are such an issue to him. He's such a sociable child and yet he doesn't feel safe in the playground. When I spoke to the head teacher about it, he said the only place where you see playground behaviour other than in school, is in Prison! I couldn't believe he though that was acceptable. I worked in a prison and they fight to survive. I don't think at the age of 6 our children should be having to display prison mentality to survive for 6 hours a day every day!

Phew!! It feels good to have written all that down. I've done it quickly so I hope it makes sense.

Thank you again for all your comments. Hopefully one day I'll be brave enough to give it a go and until then, I'll enjoy learning about what you all do.

I kind of want someone to say that sometimes their DC just drive them up the wall and they really feel like they need a break?! No one says that and yet I fear it may well happen to me at times and I don't want to feel like the worst mother in the universe.

I guess no-one says it becuse it is so normal. Yes that happens from time to time but I'm not sure it's a function of EHE. In fact, I think it is less likely when EHE because there are fewer times when you are jumping to an external stimulus that not everyone has bought into.

For example, other mothers at the music school used to complain about the difficulty of getting their children out on a Saturday morning. That was the only day mine had to get up, so they used to wake me, LOL.

I've never had to force them to do "homework" or get on time to somewhere they did not want to be, so there has been much less occasion for conflict. (Not no conflict - we are definitely not perfect!)

"I kind of want someone to say that sometimes their DC just drive them up the wall and they really feel like they need a break?! No one says that and yet I fear it may well happen to me at times and I don't want to feel like the worst mother in the universe.
...
I worry about the behaviour at school. During the holidays my DS is a pleasure to have around and the 3 of them play brilliantly together. After school though its all fighting and nastiness. I think its probably as a result of all the pressure that's on them all day and all the negative bahaviour that they butt up against all day. Its very sad to see them like that."

OK, they drive me up the wall sometimes. But as you just highlighted, many kids' behaviour is better overall if they don't go to school. Which would you rather, a life where you all mostly have a lovely time together and just occasionally drive each other nuts - or a life where you mostly don't see each other at all and when you do see each other there is a lot of fighting?

Parents often report an interesting phenomenon, which is that their kids get along better when HEd than when schooled. It's hard to say exactly why this is. My two certainly enjoy each other's company most of the time, though they bicker at times. The older one slammed out of the house yesterday evening because her sister was pestering her so much... but she bounced into her little sister's bedroom first thing this morning to play with her, and they've been nice to each other all morning. When she was at school, mornings were a grumpy rush, and she went straight to her room after school wanting to have time alone after a day crowded in with so many people.

oh there are definately times when we drive each other up the wall! but all we do is go our separate ways for a little while. my dd and i both agree that it is important to have time away from each other through the day, to avoid getting to the stage of wanting to throw each other through the window! hehehe

so, she'll pop somewhere and play and i'll watch some tv or play on the laptop for half an hour and then we're fine again.

my 3 are 8 and 9 and we have been HE for about a year. We rarely drive each other up the wall - they all seem to get on much better than when they were at school to be honest - maybe because they are less mentally exhausted. As they get older then they are more easy to leave to their own devices for an hour or two - giving you a bit of down time for yourself. When mine were younger I really needed the break of them going to playgroup for example - but now that feeling doesn't often appear.

Mine are very reluctant to write - and at the moment we are not making a big deal about it - and hope they will come to it when they feel the need.

Cost - entirely up to you - my lot aren't keen on clubs - we have just started cubs which they sort of enjoy (your age group would be beavers).

As for tidying, washing etc - it becomes part of life - their job as well as yours - and after a while they can do it without supervison (mine for eg love cooking and are starting to cook occasional meals).

For as hard as I find HE sometimes I don't think I would send dd1 back to school. She is a much happier person now and all her tummy aches have stopped :) She gets on so much better with her brothers and sisters and is lovely to the little ones who are also at home in the day. I do sometimes need a break but I'm lucky to have family who will help out for a couple of hours. DD1 has always loved learning but hated the playground. Funnily enough writing is the one thing she is reluctant to do a lot of also.

I HE my son for just over a year - he has now been back at school for about 2 years. I found it incredibly hard - he didnt have any local friends to play with and i struggled with his behaviour - he was very challenging.
I think if i had continued with HE it would have destroyed our relationship tbh.
Im glad i gave it a try and it was the right decision at the right time just as him returning to school was right at that time - he is doing well in school, he now loves it, is very involved and happy and doing well academically where as before he wasnt.

"How do you deal with those moments when there are things to do (tidying, washing, important phonecalls etc) and the children just won't let you get on. I tend to do those things while DS1 is at school and DS2 is at pre school. I still have DS3 at home."

I dropped my expectations considerably at the start of home educating, because DS2 needed me so much, age 10. I used to go into the garden in a coat with my mobile to get a phone call done. I resorted to shopping trips in the evening once my husband was home and I relied on my mother in law who lives next door, in spite of the sweets and the critical comments.

When asd-ness got too much for me I'd go out for a walk round the block, but it has been true that the worst home ed days haven't been a patch on the worst school days. Sometimes that has been the only good thing I could say! The stresses of the whole recovery from whatever went wrong with school have been horrendous, but that isn't home educating's fault. HE is merely the route forward we have taken to deal with the bad situation preceding it.

Now I'm remembering my first post to the HE special list, ok, there were some horrendous days, it all seems a long time ago now though.

Thank you again everyone. Its always good to know that you're not alone. I think we probably would have less battles if they weren't at school. Most of the stress is at the start of the day when he won't put his shoes on and at dinner time when he just doesn't want to be asked to sit down and behave for another minute. During the holidays its always much more relaxed.

my 3 were generally more grumpy when they were at school - usually in the afternoons and evenings. They had no problems at school (no bullying etc) - it was a nice, small, friendly school (we still have close links with it) - but for some reason they just came home wound up and grumpy. I wonder if the intense social interaction of being at school was the key. HE allows for downtime when you need it (in that you can disappear into your room for a quiet half hour) in a way that isn't possible at school.

I think one of the hardest things for HE kids to get used to is the feeling of being different. In our society fitting in with the crowd is one of the most important things, and stepping out of the mainstream makes you different. For those who were already different in the school system (eg being bullied, or sen that weren't being met) then the different of HE may well be a better different than the one they were already trying to live with.

HE isn't a one size fits all, and is different for each person. For some it is a lifetime thing, for others a breathing space on the way through state education. It is not perfect - but generally you find a way that suits your family best.

I have to say that my daughter has not really found herself being classed as different. In fact, most of her friends are jealous of her being HE! When they are all tired at the end of dance classes some of them moan about having to get up for school the next day and my dd is smilling away telling them she can lie in until whenever she wants!

It's just the most positive and creative thing I have ever done. My son is happier than he has ever been, there's no peer pressure - you have more 'choice' over who they see and mix with, and his education is better than it would ever have been at school. He is SEN, and was being left outside the classroom with a well meaning but totally unqualified helper. After two years of school he couldn't write, read or understand maths. His ability to cope was zero. I now have a child who can read, write, add/take away/understands basic fractions and graphs, and above all is happy and confident. School should be like this, but the reality is that very often it isn't. You know your child better than anyone else, and the relationship only becomes stronger as you Home Ed for longer. I love it!

I HE'd my ds1 for most of last year.
We loved it.
Yes, its challenging and yes, at times I found it hard.
He is now in a new school (and enjoying it) but I would HE again in a heartbeat if he had issues again.
I am very pro HE!!!!!
And, as someone very wisely said (I am looking at you Ommmward!) the schools will still be there if you do HE then decide its not for you.....