Passionate about home educating and new to Mumsnet

[tarah47]

Hi everyone. I am new to mumsnet, and have arrived here out of frustration and loneliness. My husband and I home educate our 13-year-old son and have been doing so for the past 9 months. I would like to meet other home educating parents online to share ideas etc. I have joined the local home educating network in my town, but haven't made any friends. In fact these people - in the flesh - are snooty and unwelcoming. My son goes to a group every week where these home educated kids get together and says he is treated as though he is invisible. I told him not to worry as none of the parents talk to me and his dad either, despite our attempts to be friendly.

I would love to meet other home educating parents in other parts of the country or world - online - to chat etc.

I have three kids - two are now grown up - and my 13-year-old.

Our 13-year-old is the only one who has been home educated. The other two went through mainstream education.

I'm a really vibrant, friendly person with loads to share.

Thank you.

Tara xx

Hi Tara, sorry to here you have not made any friends in your local home ed group, where in the UK are you?
My DD is only 4 1/2 but has a great time at our group, the kids are lovely.
I am sure you just need to find a group that suits you. there are local yahoo groups where you can find family's to meet up with.
i am sure some one with much more experience will be on soon to give you some real advice, in the mean time i will chat with you.
best wishes, zoe.

Hi Tara, I'm really sorry to here you've found your local group unwelcoming. I wonder whether you might be able to network in other ways to find HE families near you who would like to get together. If people in the local HE group are as standoffish with other families as they have been with you, they have probably driven others off in the past too, so there may be a number of you around who either don't go to any group or maybe go to one a bit farther afield.

I look forward to chatting with you here!

Hi Zoe, hi Saracen, thanks very much for you kind replies to my post. What you both say makes perfect sense. I don't really want to say what town I am in, in case there are people from the group on this site.

But I know the group has a bit of a reputation as being stuffy and people have left it, so I know it's not me. It might have something to do with the town where I live - once voted one of the UK's most unfriendliest towns :( - I would like to start my own group, but don't really know how to do it, and know that my activities will get back to this group, and it will be weird. They are very established, have been around since the 80s and are very territorial about things. It sounds strange, but I feel bullied by them, which is horrible because this is precisely the reason we took our son out of school - because of the bullying, and more.....

I find this attitude unbelievable. I thought that by home educating I would be joining a wonderful group of like-minded people who care passionately about their kids and who would stand together against the status quo of mainstream education. I was wrong.

It's inspiring to hear about your dd Zoe. I wish you every continued happiness with your home edding.

I love home edding our son but it is hard - only in the fact that we have no support from anyone, and do feel very isolated.

I find it upsetting that in the close-on one year we have been part of this home ed group - not one family has ever invited our son over to play with them, or has suggested we get together in any way, and this is a small town where access is easy. No phone numbers have been exchanged, and I am quite a forward person who actively seeks out other people. It's depressing.

Still, on to more positive stuff.

I was thinking of putting an ad on the local gumtree or something like that to start something.

I even tried to start a group last year - just for home edded teenagers using that meet up service - and asked the group in my town if they would put the ad on their yahoo list but was told that it was against their policy.

I know that in the next county - which is actually very close to my town (we are close to the border with the next county) the group is apparently very good, but it's still a hike to get there. Oh dear.

Sorry for this rant :( I do feel better already taking back some control and seeking out like-minded people on this site.

Hopefully we can chat again soon.

Best wishes,

Tara xx

Hello i am new to mumsnet,i have a 9 year old son who i home educate and i was wondering does anyone know if there are any groups in the edinburgh area.thankyou.

Oh Tara, sorry to hear you've not found your local group welcoming. Sounds like you've come in contact with a well established cliquely lot who are used to their own way of doing things. I'm glad you've posted this actually, as unfortunately this sort of thing isn't always that uncommon in some HE groups and circles - although of course you'll never click with everybody in life not matter what circles you're in, and people don't always get on, especially where strong personalities are involved - I know some home educators object strongly to to people setting up groups exclusively for older children or children only up to a certain age for e.g.

I have had positive experiences with other home educators but also, I'm afraid, experiences much like yours. I think the advice you've been given is great. Try and meet other home educators who aren't in the group, there's a strong possibility that there are some who feel as you do, and remember home education does not 'belong' to a set group of people regardless of how long they've been home educating. Seriously, if they start bullying you, tell them to get lost. I loathe the territorial types. Gives HE a bad name. They cannot prevent you setting up a group for older teenagers - although they can tell you nonsense about not posting it on their list i'm afraid as that's their perojative.

It's a shame you can't say where in the country you are. You may find that you have to look elsewhere for social opportunities for your son in the meantime: after school, youth clubs? Scouts, football clubs, art, computer, birdwatching clubs something along these lines where other children have a passion and your son can gain established friendships. Then invite these children over in the holidays.

Please post here again if you need more support.

Hi Shiney, thanks for your supportive post. It's good to know I am not alone. To be honest I have never in my life met a group of people who are more secretive, cliquey and rude. I see them all chatting together when I drop my son off at the group, and not one of them looks up or over to acknowledge me. If I had my way I would stop him going to this group but despite everything he loves going to this activity. It' honestly like a home educating mafia - funny but true. I am expecting a rap on the door and someone pulling out of the house for a quiet word in my ear if I try something (ha ha) seriously though, I have enrolled my son at various outside activities - Italian, Maths, drama which are nothing to do with the group, but it's hard because these kids are usually in mainstream education and talk about their friends etc, so a home educated boy is considered to be something of a weirdo.

Still this is my emotion coming out.

My son loves being home educated and wouldn't change it for the world. He is happier than he's been ever since becoming a school age boy, and is determined to make it work.

In praise of home education, my son teaches himself so much, whereas a year ago he hated learning with a passion now he loves learning, and loves finding out things for himself. It's really working for him.

More soon,

Love Tara xx

Tara do you go camping?
There are quite a few home ed camps and gatherings through out the summer and my children made hundreds of HE friends from all over the country, by us (minus hubby who doesn't 'do' camping!) attending these camps.
This became especially important to our children as they became teenagers.
They spent increasing amounts of time travelling and staying with other HE families-and their teens came to stay with us. I really miss them now that they are all at college/uni/work. It was a real pleasure to have a couple come and stay for a few days last week and it seems we have another one arriving to tomorrow, who will stay for a while.

If you are interested in finding out more about HE camps, just give me a shout.

Hi Julie, that's such a good idea. I hadn't thought of that. My son and I love camping. Dad is not so keen, but I could butter him up with promises of lots of boxes of red wine while in the tent :) Yes, please send me details about HE camps. I am really excited about this already. We love going to National Trust campsites when hubbie isn't moaning too much about it. Had a lovely time at the Beatrix Potter one Low Wray - an NT - lots of happy memories - but it was just us. Would be great to meet other families and what a great way for ds to meet other 13-year-olds. Cheers very much. Tara xx

I don't HE my children but often consider it for various reasons and look at these threads with great interest. I'm sorry you have a bad experience of other parents - I'd always imagined HE families would be a jolly and friendly crowd - bit naive to think all would be alike though! I hope you find some more sympathetic characters for your son to hang out with - and I really admire you for doing what's best for your boy. You sound great!

Hi Tarah-I've sent you a PM

Yes, please send me details about HE camps
Try hesfes.co.uk

thanks so much to luckywekeptthecot (great virtual name btw :) and to dadatlarge for your posts - wonderful kind and supportive.

Hopefully I can support others too - would really like that.

Lucky - thanks for your kind words. Freeing ourselves as a family from the state school system has been beneficial for all of us - particularly our son - but I will say too - very much for myself and my husband.

Quite aside from our son's stress at school, the bullying, the rubbish he seemed to be learning etc etc, the stress in our lives as parents was incredible - the endless phone calls, the meetings, the letters, the education plans, the interference by so-called professionals who never introduced themselves and who never told us what their qualifications were for making such rampant judgements about our son.

Our son is on the autism spectrum. He was bullied without exception, was beaten up at school, and what clinched it for us was when he told us a year ago he didn't want to live any more. We de-registered him the next day - three days before the end of term. He used to get reams of homework - nonsense - which he hated with a passion - and I hated it too - basically he was being forced to learn at home what he should have learnt at school but couldn't because the teachers didn't have the know-how to deal with his unique learning style.

Knowing that there was another way was such a massive relief for all of us, so much so that I just cried tears of joy when we pulled him out.

He has a statement, and has been seen by every 'expert' going, but not one of them ever took the time to really understand him as a human being. And this is what this is all about and this is what makes me want to scream from the bloody roof tops. These kids are human beings, not creatures to be prodded and poked for scientific purposes. I am not an academic but I know the workings of my son's mind and how he learns and takes things in, and school is just not the answer for him.

I take great comfort from the fact that mainstream schools have only been in existence for a hundred years max - prior to that children were educated in other ways.

I have the greatest respect for teachers, and education but I have no respect for the state education system. This is my opinion and I would never push my ideas on anyone else. My elder son and my step-son went to state school and came out the other end ok, but they were different kids.

Home educating is empowering and wonderful. It's very hard and very easy in many ways. I am amazed at just how much my son has actually taught himself without my interference and this has all developed in the past year.

He didn't learn to read until he was 8, despite my reading to him every single night since he was a baby. Then one night - in August when he was 8 - he suddenly took over from where I was reading to him and it all started from there. Now he's reading adult books and kids books too, whatever he wants to read. If I had listened to the bullshit educational psychologists and 'experts' had told us, I would have believed that he was developmentally delayed. I knew he wasn't, that he was just going to do everything in his own damned time. And he did.

I guess the moral of this 'story' is we have got to stop giving power to others and allowing others to morally condescend to us about our beloved children. We know best. We know them. We know instinctively who they are as people. That's it. End of story.

Good night and god bless to all. Tara xxx

Julie, I will reply to your brilliant message tomorrow. Need to sleep now. Love Tara xx

That long post last night of yours, Tarah, that just hits so many nails on the head

Hi - relating to lots in this thread ,though ds just left school so bit late for me .
Found this www.interhigh.co.uk/interhigh_prospectus_advanced.asp
online schooling ,might help some .
Think if I'd have known of it ( assuming any good of course ) I might have found the courage to HE .

Thanks so much ommmward for your feedback. Cheers :)

gingeroots - cheers for the link to interhigh. I know about this place. Please see my thread on distance learning. I am sure they are very good but there are lots of offerings like that around, and I think people have to be careful and thoroughly research things before they part with their money. Am not saying anything other than this - be careful, that's all.

When you talk about courage it makes me think that there is a quite a lot of mystery around HE.

I am not a teacher - was never trained to be one - and I will admit that I send my son outside to have one long maths lesson a week with an outside person as I am not good a maths and find the prospect of teaching him that a horrible though. The rest we sort of muddle through.

He's 13, nearly 14 and there's this big push at the moment for him to start his GCSEs in September, but we'll see about that. He can almost certainly do them in one year, as opposed to the two years at school. He learns for three hours a day and then does his own thing after that. He always says to me, "mum is this learning?" when we're at the library on a Saturday or simply reading at home and I always say "of course".

My main thing when he left mainstream school was to repair the damage being at school had done to him - stripping him of his desire to learn. His love of learning has returned thank god, but it all takes time. Nothing is ever easy is it, but then dealing with the mainstream education system was just too awful for all of us. Best wishes, Tara xx

We have been repairing the damage too. Like you we had one moment which was too much to bear and that was it, no more primary school for ds2.

Hi TooJung, so sorry to hear about your experience. Hope it all goes well with ds2. Can you share more about your experiences? Please don't mention names and specifics if you don't want to, but I'd love to hear your story. Warm wishes, Tara xx

I have written bits about it over the 3 years since deregistering, some on this board, some on the Special Needs board. I am also a member of the HE-Special list, www.he-special.org.uk, so some of our story is there too, on the list, not the website.

I'd rather say something cheerful: a couple of days ago ds2 asked me if I still had the sticker on the window of my car (for Education Otherwise) and when I told him I did, he said 'Home ed rocks!'.

thank you princehumperdink, i shall have a look.

I home educate my 9 year old son. It's the best thing I've ever done. He was being bullied at school and he lost all his confidence. The only negative is the social side of things. I too have found the local HE group cliquey and unfriendly. I have become a single parent during the 2 years I have been home educating, so we both could do with getting out and about and meeting people, etc.

It's very sad when an established H/E group feels univiting.
I had difficulties with my local group when we started. I'm visibly disabled, and they'd just go off up the steps to talk, leaving me obviously unable to join them, sat there alone.

I ignored it as best I could and accepted we'd never get invited to anything etc and kept going for son's sake, and in the end took a book or mending as it was embarrassing to sit there publicly ignored.
Winter came along and to my surprise suddenly another mum asked if we could come round because her child wasn't well enough to go. It was the start of acceptance. In the meantime another mum started coming that didn't easily fit and I unashamedly grabbed her! We're both now in the thick of it and make sure all newcomers feel welcome (which the rest of the group seem to make much more effort over as well :-) )

Sometimes groups have known each other forever and forget what it's like for an 'outsider' or a structured h/edder trying to join in an autonomous h/egroup. :-)

It's good to find and join other h/edders, but lots of disabled parents and disabled children along with their non disabled siblings are automatically excluded from loads and are up for more friendships. Consider volunteering, you may find a whole other group of children keen to make friends, and they often have things like swimming groups and riding groups that you can get invited to. :-)

Hi Jewelswalk, I really sympathise. I 'naively' thought - when we started home educating - that our local group would be this wonderful metaphorical pair of open arms to welcome us, but it's been the absolute polar opposite of that. I was shocked to be honest. It's very isolating and can lead to depression if it's not addressed. The social thing is a real problem for us too, as our son, has one friend - from his last school - and no other friends at all - thanks to our local HE group (don't get me started!!!). Luckily it seems to bother us much more than it bothers our son. To 'socialise' our son, we send him to weekly maths classes and Italian lessons. He also does drama with an outside group. This hasn't led to him making any more friends but it does get him out and about among people. I also send him to the library on his own to do assignments two to three days every week, but then he is older than yours, and it might not be appropriate for you to do that with yours. Can he join a local youth group? Our son is on the autism spectrum (supposedly), so he goes to this youth group for kids on the autism spectrum, although he has told us he doesn't much like it. I insist that he gets out of the house in some capacity every day, and it generally works, but he is older. With a nine-year-old, a free youth group twice a week and swimming at the local pool or if you are a Christian - a church youth group - might help. I am not religious but was confirmed into the church, so we did send our son to a church youth group for a while but he didn't much like that either.

Have you thought about putting an ad on Gumtree? I did that a few years ago to meet other women for friendship and it worked, so maybe putting an ad out there to meet other women with children your kid's age might be good.

Please keep in touch, and don't ever think you are alone in all this. You're not. We can all support each other even if it is online. Best wishes, Tara xx

Hi Tara. Thanks for your kind words. I shall look into groups/clubs for Michael. He did try karate, but he didn't like that. He is currently being tested for Aspergers. After researching, I realise he has a lot of the symptoms. I don't know what help there is out there if he does have it.
Julie. x