Grrr!!! - Grandparents rant alert!!

[nipplesofthenorth]

AAAGGHH!! We deregistered our 2 youngest from their primary school in January as we were very dissatisfied, my parents were very supportive and felt it was the right thing to do for the boys.

DH and I are in the process of making the decision to dereg our 11 and 13 yo DS1 and DS2 from their secondary school as we are increasingly disenchanted with the education system (the more we read, the more we don't like it). We have discussed this with the boys as we feel it's not just our decision to make.

On Friday of last week DS1 stayed over with his grandparents (they live fairly close by and I see them most days) and told them we were thinking about HE for him and DS2, although he didn't tell them we hadn't made a firm decision yet.

Fast forward to yesterday evening. My dad came to pick up my mum from our house and they both cornered me in the kitchen. My dad went on to tell me that he thought HE was a terrible idea for the boys, that I couldn't give them an education to match what they do at school, that the boys are too lazy to be taught at home, that they won't be properly socialised, that I couldn't do all 4 of them justice and that I would end up neglecting one/all of them. He also said he had rang DH at work that morning (DH hadn't given me a 'head's up!) and said the same to him. He also said he had barely slept all weekend for worrying about it.

I calmly (rare for me!) explained our arguments for HE (the same as DH had already given him) and asked him if he would do some reading on the subject for me which he agreed to though I doubt he'll do it with an open mind.

When DH got home yesterday evening we spoke about it and he said that my dad had said "There's not really a decision to make is there?" which had shocked him. My dad is very much the traditional patriarch sort of dad and automatically believes that everyone will naturally agree with him. We have bumped heads before over the boys as he assumes that if we are all together as a family that his word supersedes mine and my DH with regards to the children.

I am so angry! How dare he assume that he has anything to do with the decision! Although we would rather have their support they are our children! How dare he assume that we would consider making a decision that was detrimental to the boys! How dare he harangue my DH behind my back! How dare he think we need his validation for the decision we took regarding the younger boys!! He also did the "of course we think you are a wonderful parent but you can't manage this" bit.

AAAARRGGHH!! I am nearly 37, have 4 children, been married for 15 years and he still talks to me like a 12 year old!!

Apols for the extended rant. I needed to vent!!

It sounds as though your relationship with your parents ("I am nearly 37, have 4 children, been married for 15 years and he still talks to me like a 12 year old", etc.) is a separate one from the HE one.

To be honest, I would also be worried about having 4 children to HE.

It sounds as though you have a lot to be anxious about - already home educating 2, bad experiences of primary schools, worries about your two older boys, perhaps other things you haven't mentioned - so it's a shame you and your parents aren't able to communicate in such a way as to allow them to be a proper sounding board, because a proper sounding board is essential in such a pressurised domestic situation as you describe. Maybe you can't talk things through with your parents, but perhaps you do need to talk things through outside the family unit nevertheless. If your parents know you are doing this, they may back off and stop pressuring you with their point of view.

I must admit I was also wondering whether - if your parents were supportive of your HE-ing your two youngest - they did so not because they believed in it but because there is less educational "time-pressure" on younger children, and they thought you might "come round" in time. By contrast, older children are closer to the stage when they start getting the documentation which influences their further educational and professional choices. Your parents may feel they can't afford the time to talk you round gently over your older boys, and are taking a harder line this time. Does that sound plausible?

Although you have been disappointed by schools, surely there is some other outside resource you can or could use to talk your way through your situation? Yes, I know MN's Home ed page is a good start, but maybe you could also extend your discussion to other talk boards, including Relationships (to work our how to talk to your parents, or get them to butt out).

To be honest, I would also be worried about having 4 children to HE.
Why is that, plupedantic? Do you have experience of it?

Don't worry about he for four children. I know at least 3 family's who do it for 7+ children with no problems

I HE 3 of my children, aged 14, 7 and 5, and it is wonderful. i was a bit worried at first how i'd manage, but when i see them all working together the worries soon fly out of the window

SDeuchars, maybe I am just inadequate!

I think children in larger families take better to self directed study because they are not used to having large amounts of individual attention.

They also help each other out and group work means more brains to tackle a topic.

I home educated three right through their teens to college and beyond -and often had friends of theirs to stay for weeks on end.

three teens wouldn't be seen as that many in my home ed circles, now someone we know has home educated all 12 of her children-now that's a lot of home ed kids

OP I'm sorry your parents are upset by this, but tbh I'm not suprised, we hear very many instances of families not being on side. It does seem to cause anxiety when someone you love takes such a different path.

My family were quite supportive of the home ed idea, but I think when they discovered just how little formal work (none til the children chose to do qualifications) we would do as autonomous home educators, they did get rather anxious and I had to have a quiet word on a couple of occasions.
TBH it was a matter of them seeing how well it worked over a period of time.......now they are all doing so well at college and Uni, they sing the praises of home ed very loudly indeed!

Although I can see why you are mad, at least you have parents who care so much about their grandchildren.
Can you find a way of getting them involved, so they can see how well your children are doing?
(though I understand if this wouldn't be appropriate-it wouldn't have been for my MIL!)

Time for some simple guidelines for yourself and your husband on how to deflect low flying missiles (also known as grandparents doing the 'I couldn't sleep for worrying about your incompetence...etc etc' dance).

I suspect that the phrases they use are from a stock phrase book written for older people wanting to corner, bully and dominate their younger relatives. They might use the same methods on other issues when they feel they want to coerce you into doing things their way.

Work out some methods to keep your husband and yourself free from bullying in person, by phone, via the children, in writing, by email, via other family and friends.

If I start to share my own worries and feelings about how home ed is going or about anything to do with bringing up our boys, it acts as an invitation for negative and critical comments unfortunately.

You and your husband are responsible for your children, not your parents, pointing this out verbally may just be the first step, acting as if this is the truth will be the next step. You do not need their agreement to this fact :)