Sob. I can't HE.

[butterpieify]

I can't HE. I would dearly love to, but my health is too unreliable, and it's not fair to have the kids having to come in and out of school when I'm not well, especially as they don't have any special needs that would make HE particulary needed. :(

Trust me, I've looked at it every way. We would just about manage it if we really needed to, but we would have to lean heavily on family and friends, and that wouldn't be fair if school is there and possible. Please don't try to persuade me otherwise - I have done everything I can, and unless something remarkable happens, it is school for the kids.

Anyway, what can I do so my kids get at least some of the benefits? I'm thinking I should become involved with school (when they start - they are both too young, although DD1 is starting in Sept. They still have to be in nursery though, part time) and make sure to take them out on lots of trips and so on in the time left over. Lots of books and toys that help them explore the world, plenty of time to play, heavily restricted TV time, involving them in "real life" - ie letting them help with cooking, shopping, cleaning and do on.

Anything else?

We were looking at a combination of classical and plenty of automonous type following their lead stuff, with loads of trips out to the lovely facilities in the area. School just seems so drab in comparision :(

I even enquired vaguely about flexi school, and got a resounding no from the school. Thing is, they would probably be constantly looking for us to fail, which isn't good for anyone.

I'm also looking into free school, but can't pin all my hopes on that.

DD1 is quite happy about the idea of school, and loves her nursery, but nursery say she is really shy and quiet, which isn't the little girl I know :( She is quite bizzare and bookish, but has days when she is bouncing off the walls and the only thing to do is find a wood somewhere to explore :)

Thanks for the tips :) That book looks good too...

I'm sorry to hear that you're disappointed not to be doing something you wanted, but you really don't have to be unhappy about school. Despite what you may see on MN threads, most children do get a lot out of school, enjoy it, get a good education, etc. It isn't a bad thing to go to school!

Getting involved with the school is always good, as it lets you see how things there work. More important is developing a good relationship with their teachers, so that you can both be working together for the good of your DC.

It's not so much that I think school will be terrible, it's just that I think HE would suit our family better, if it was for my damn health.

As soon as she starts school, that's the end of swanning off to see my parents for a week across in Lancashire, that's the end of long leisurely days at the museum (unless we go when every other child in the world is there), someone else will be dictating out timetable, there will be targets and assessments, and history in a random order, and forced communal worship, and "learning" and "playtime" being separate, and uniforms, and dragging the baby out to go and stand outside school, and dragging kids out of bed, and rushed breakfasts, and having to follow daft rules about what is seen as healthy in a lunchbox, and...sigh.

I don't actually think it will be that bad, but it will be such a shock to our family life. Nursery are really flexable (they should be- they have £200 a week off us- God bless tax credits and the 15 free hours!) and let the kids have time off whenever, or come in for extra time if needed, and it is all play based, with "work" like reading, writing, counting, drawing and exploring just casually integrated in to the day, along with plenty of running about like mad things and playing outside in all weathers, and the kids of different ages going for short periods in different rooms. It's brill.

Oh, (hugs)!! I am so sorry that HE doesn't seem workable for your family when you had your heart set on it.

I think one of the most important ways I prepared my daughter to cope with school was in constantly giving her messages about school standards not being a reflection on her as a human being. I didn't want her to feel bad about herself if she didn't happen to conform to what school expects socially and academically.

I did this by explaining the reasons why school rules and school standards are necessary within school. It isn't that being quiet is a virtue, it's only that if 30 people talk loudly all day then no one can hear anything. It isn't that moving around is morally wrong, it's that the classroom is too small to allow people to run about whenever they like without it causing problems for everybody else. It isn't that everyone "should" like being with dozens of other people all day, it's just that school happens to be organised that way. It isn't that there is anything wrong with you if you can't read as early as everyone else, it is that the teacher has pressure on her to prove she is teaching well, and that is how her work is measured. I wanted her to know I valued her for other things than her academic preformance and ability to fit in socially.

My daughter was nearly ten when she went to school, so it was easy to explain these ideas. (Things still did get to her at times, and I felt I had to keep pounding away with my message in order to keep her positive.) You'd have to adjust them for your daughter as she is younger. But I think it is very important that kids don't think school is the be-all and end-all of their existence, even though it is very important to them because they spend so much time there. Keeping a child's self-esteem high can be a challenge when you have no control over how "success" is measured in her world.

It's a bit early for this, but there is a great book abotu girls' social relationships in fixed peer groups (i.e. school) - mainly relevant for ages 8+. You might want to read it eventually: "Queen Bees and Wannabes" by Rosalind Wiseman. It provides a great insight into how these relationships work and what you can do to help your daughter survive them without becoming a victim or acting nasty. I think far too many parents simply accept that preteen and teenaged girls simply are unkind to each other, when some parental guidance can help them navigate this tricky time.

Good luck, and I hope your children will be happy at school.

I have that book :) I beleive it was the inspiration for the film "Mean Girls", slightly bizarrely.

Have you looked into small schools? They are few and far between, but they are around and are much more flexible. Friends of ours who HE go just a couple of days a week and pay just over £20 a day. Of course, there's a cost you wouldn't have with state, but you may find somewhere with an ethos you like better than an ordinary school.

I'm not trying to persuade you (honestly!) but is it because you wouldn't be well enough to look after them? I only enquire because I was ill last spring for about 3 months and did nothing educational with the girls whatsoever. They just played on DS, watched TV etc. When I was better, we made it up later (not difficult as you cover so much on a one to one) and it didn't do them any harm. In fact, I was so glad they weren't in school because I have no idea how I would have coped with the school routine. However, they are much older than yours (were 14 and 10 at the time) so the actual looking after them/ taking care of them wasn't an issue - which it would have been with much younger children.

So you may find you could do it in later years if you still wanted to.

My eldest went to a wonderful infant school, by the way, and loved every minute of it. Even though she is now home ed and loves it, she wouldn't have missed going there and it was an overwhelmingly positive experience. Just take your time to choose a school that suits them and feels right to you all. :)

Oh Butterpieify, I feel frustrated on your behalf. But I think everyone's advice has been good. So apart from finding a good small school what can you do?

You say: "As soon as she starts school, that's the end of swanning off to see my parents for a week across in Lancashire, that's the end of long leisurely days at the museum...someone else will be dictating out timetable, there will be targets and assessments, and history in a random order, and forced communal worship"

1. Firstly, realise your power. YOU have chosen the school to dispense an education to your children on your behalf. YOU are still their primary educational facilitator (sick or no as far as the GOV is concerned) and have chief responsibility for their education. Their attendance at school doesn't change that.

So don't be intimidated by their arbitrary rules or EWOs etc.

Once you realise this you can do what I did when I couldn't HE:

2. At the start of the year, I asked each teacher for a photo-copied breakdown of everything they would be doing for that year or term. So I could be ahead if you like and cover it MY WAY first. So say they're doing Victorians in May, from March onwards you may read horrible histories together, go to the art gallery on a Sat and see some works of art by vitorian artists, visit some museums, watch the 1900's house, do some workbooks at home together etc: Same with every subject. This way you feel less like you're following the dictates of the school, you feel more in control, and the DCs will be more confident before they come up with the subject in school. Also it meant because we had already covered things ahead I could scrap some of the homework.

3. Don't be afraid to take your child out of school for a day to do something you know will really fire up their interest. It's one day and provided you keep up with what they're doing, won't harm them at all. My childs school went on 2 trips a year if they were lucky and I remember one of those was to the park. If it was a beautiful hot day I wasn't afraid to say 'stuff this kids, lets go to the seaside' or in the same theme: Outdoor ice skating, Science lectures, museum, gallery, farm, aquarium music concert,walk in the woods if your child has a keen interest in something and you see something going on that you know will stimulate them or they have a very bad vibe that day just do it.

4. Some schools get really funny about holidays during term-time, but again I really never understood why I should have to ask permission to take my own children on a trip where they'll learn so much. It's more about their OFstead report. If you occasionally want to go visit your parents in Lancashire you can or any trip for that matter. I used to send in a letter informing them of my decision to go on holiday. Once the Head threatened the EWO but I was quite prepared to tell her about everything the children had learned and done. Also I would (using the list you ask for at the beginning of term) tell them I had done my best to cover some of what they'd learned in school. In the end the EWO never bothered.

5. Forced communal worship: I used to have my child opt-out. They made him sit in the library until it was over. I have no problem with my child learning about other religions and their beliefs, so RE in class or visits to different places of worship was fine. But actual worship was different.

6. SATs and things can't get round this one. But you can make it easier by buying the mock papers in WHSmith, reading through it and teaching them what they need to know in an informal way or with books or through play etc.

7. Of course make the most of the holidays! Yes there are loads more children around, but on the plus side museums and things do more workshops for children doing the holidays a good tip is to try and go for the lesser known museums to avoid the crowds.

A good helpful HE site is www.alittlebitofstructure.webs.com/ Lots of lovely people there as well as some with children in school. You'll be warmly welcomed.

I hope this helps in some way. Sorry if I've gone on too much!

Oh butterpieify :( as soon as I saw the thread title I thought it might be you (but hoped it wasn't IYSWIM) I know you've been thinking about this for a long time and it must be so disappointing. We came to the same decision ourselves although for different reasons, and even though I know DD will flourish at school (DS I'm not so sure about yet!) it still makes me sad.

I love all the advice given here and I'll be using it myself! It's good to see that learning at home and school are not mutually exclusive. x

Had a look at that book btw it looks great

And I totally agree about children seeing their parents learn for fun etc. Distance learning course maybe? :)