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Home ed

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Does anyone else have a stubbon child?

48 replies

angelstar · 07/03/2011 14:39

DD has been out of school for 4 months now and I can't get her to do anything. She excelled at primary school so I know she is bright enough. (she is 11)

She just won't do anything, I've tried letting her choose what she wants to do. I've tried giving her things to do and she just does the very bare minimum I ask.

I am on the verge of sending her back to school if she doesn't start doing something.

OP posts:
nipplesofthenorth · 07/03/2011 15:27

Ooo I'll be watching this with interest ( and a little desperation! ) as I'm having the same trouble with my 7 and 11 year olds!

julienoshoes · 07/03/2011 15:50

she doesn't do anything?
Just sits all day and stares at the four walls?

When you say you let her choose-is it her free choice of anything, or do you ask her to choose from a given of number of options?

exoticfruits · 07/03/2011 15:55

Was it her choice to stay at home?

angelstar · 07/03/2011 16:06

It was her choice to stay at home. She will sit on the computer with ear phones in watching cbbc programs all day.
I'm panicking because the LA lady says she's coming back in Sept and wants to see lots of work. The more I push her to do work though the worse she gets.

I sometimes ask her what she would like to do, but the response is always "I don't know" so then I give her a few options but she may choose one and then do a bit to appease me.
The one thing she will say is that she doesn't want to go back to school. I just don't know what to do anymore. The one thing she will do is 30 mins on whizz maths everyday.

OP posts:
SDeuchars · 07/03/2011 16:08

Why did you withdraw her?

SDeuchars · 07/03/2011 16:11

The LA lady has no right to come back in Sept or to see lots of work. If you do not want that to happen, you can say that you'll send in a report. Also, when did she come before? It is unreasonable of the LA to ask for more info in less than a year, unless they gave some reason for thinking that the education was unsuitable.

SDeuchars · 07/03/2011 16:11

Also, which LA is it?

angelstar · 07/03/2011 16:14

Its Nottinghamshire, she came for a first visit 3 weeks ago. I withdrew her from school as she hated it and begged to be home schooled.

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exoticfruits · 07/03/2011 16:14

I'm a great one for lists. Ask her why she wanted to stay at home, what she hopes to achieve, what she thinks her learning style is, whether she wants to join groups etc etc. It often makes more sense written down and from that get her to make a plan of action.

exoticfruits · 07/03/2011 16:16

It sounds as if she is very much in isolation (sorry if I am wrong here) but what about Guides, theatre group, dance class etc?

angelstar · 07/03/2011 16:19

I try asking her those things. I sat down with her last night so we could talk about it but she just doesn't talk or says "I don't know". We went to visit one group but she won't go back.

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HeartSkipsABeat · 07/03/2011 16:20

She's only been HEd for 4 months so I'd say she's still in the process of 'deschooling' and it may be a little early to worry?

HeartSkipsABeat · 07/03/2011 16:21

Was she getting bullied? Any chance she is a bit down or depressed?

Ormirian · 07/03/2011 16:22

Yes! He is 8 now and TBH I am quite surprised he has survived so long Grin

angelstar · 07/03/2011 16:22

It has always been really hard to get her to after school clubs. She hates drama and dance. I have got her to go to a church youth club every tuesday evening starting tomorrow. I found an art workshop every saturday morning but she has refused to go to that.

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exoticfruits · 07/03/2011 16:24

I wouldn't let it drift 'saying don't worry yet'. She sounds a bit depressed to me as if she wanted HE because she wasn't happy at school and hasn't thought beyond that to the positives of HE.
Has she kept in touch with old friends?

angelstar · 07/03/2011 16:26

She is the eldest of 6 children so isn't alone at home and does see a friend from primary school sometimes. She just has no self confidence and seems to think she can't do anything.

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BalloonSlayer · 07/03/2011 16:30

I don't HE so probably don't have the right to answer, but I can imagine my DS1 being like this if I tried to HE him.

I think it would have to be laying down the law - "You need an education. If you won't work at home, you go back to school. Your choice. "

exoticfruits · 07/03/2011 16:30

Why didn't she like school? Was she bullied? Did she just not settle in a big school?

angelstar · 07/03/2011 16:43

She just didn't settle I think. She had detention twice and I think mat have convinced herself the the teachers especially her dance teacher ( also her form tutor) didn't like her. As far as I know she wasn't bullied.

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AMumInScotland · 07/03/2011 16:52

There's a theory that children need 1 month of "deschooling" for every year that they were in school, just to get out of the mindset of being told what to do, so I don't think you need to worry just yet if she can't face anything very school-like.

OTOH I wouldn't be happy with an 11yo watching tv all day every day - would you let her do that in the summer holidays, or would you be turning it off and saying she needs to find other things to do? That's how I'd approach this - limit TV time to give her a chance to get bored, then give options - probably not too many choices at once, as that can paralyse people too! But things like "library trip or some gardening", "bake a cake or pop down the shops"

exoticfruits · 07/03/2011 17:04

I really don't 'buy' the deschooling. She sounds depressed and being bored isn't going to help.
The more she hides at home doing nothing the more difficult she will find it to get out and meet people.
I would sit her down with a proper meeting and agenda. Get a large piece of paper and make lists.

  1. Which subjects does she like and what does she want to study?
  2. How does she want to study them?
  3. Which subject does she not like but thinks are necessary?
  4. How does she study best? By doing, visual, listening etc.
  5. Does she need other people to motivate her? If so where can she go to find them?
  6. How is she going to meet people?
7, Is there community work she might like to volunteer for?

I expect there is more.
Tell her that she is in control and you will help but she needs plans.
If it is like drawing teeth just go for 3 plans of action (or even one if it is heavy going)

I would agree to have a meeting every month to see what was good, what was bad and any changes.

If she won't do any then tell her that school is the option so that she doesn't have to worry about the control.

(Do you think she is depressed?)

angelstar · 07/03/2011 17:09

Thanks for everyones help. Exoticfruits I'll try what you suggested. I don't think she is depressed yet but am worried she may head that way. I'll let you know how we get on.

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exoticfruits · 07/03/2011 17:22

I just find lists and writing things down clears the mind and makes things more doable (if that is a word). It might help to write down what she doesn't want as a starting point-if she is very negative.

julienoshoes · 07/03/2011 17:23

Four months, of home ed for a child wo has lost her self confidence isn't very long at all.
My children took longer than that to deschool.
She may be stubborn but it sounds like her self belief and self confidence is the issue of the problem, something that HE can really help with given time.

SDeuchars is right of course, the LA have no right to demand a return to visit you. They have no right to demand a visit at all-section 3.6 of the Elective Home Education :guidelines for LAs

says:
3.6 Some parents may welcome the opportunity to discuss the provision that they are making for the child?s education during a home visit but parents are not legally required to give the local authority access to their home. They may choose to meet a local authority representative at a mutually convenient and neutral location instead, with or without the child being present, or choose not to meet at all. Where a parent elects not to allow access to their home or their child, this does not of itself constitute a ground for concern about the education provision being made. Where local authorities are not able to visit homes, they should, in the vast majority of cases, be able to discuss and evaluate the parents? educational provision by alternative means. If they choose not to meet, parents may be asked to provide evidence that they are providing a suitable education. If a local authority asks parents for information they are under no duty to comply although it would be sensible for them to do so.10 Parents might prefer, for example, to write a report, provide samples of work, have their educational provision endorsed by a third party (such as an independent home tutor) or provide evidence in some other appropriate form.

Have you been in touch with local home educators?
I know there are home educators on the East Mids HE email support list who have had run ins with Nottinghamshire LA before, I am certain they will help and support you through this.

As a long term home educator, with a very stubborn middle child, who would refuse totally to do any work, I'd let her take much more time to Deschool
What do you do in your summer holidays OP? What does she choose to do then? Summer holidays is exactly what the whole of our childrens home education looked like.....once I'd got rid of the stupid idea that sitting and doing 'work' was the only way of gaining an education!
The very last thing your child needs IMO is to have you make demnds that she MUST do some work. Everything, that she does to enjoy herself is educational. Everything you do together is educational-cooking, shopping, gardening.

Sod the LA. Go enjoy your daughters childhood and watch her learn along the way, once you stop trying to get her to do something.

We home educated for ten years. All three of my children did what they wanted, in their own time.
My children didn't do any formal work at all, during all of thier home ed years.
We spent the time, going to the theatre, art galleries, the park, the beach, the cinema.
We watched DVDs and Tv for as long as they wanted. We talked and talked and talked about the things they were interested in.

Eventually it became apparent that my most stubborn child was interested in womens rights.......watching a TV programme and talking to her about it, helped that become apparent. So we looked at lots of things, in the light of womens roles.
So Women's role in the home, in the war, Mary Poppins started a discussion on votes for women and talking to her great grannie, gave her a great insight into the womens suffrage.
As the years went by, we talked about contraception in this light.
Over the years, I learned a lot!
She is also a passionate vegan and that led to a different sort of education, about diet and animal welfare.
We did lots and lots of crafts which I love, and eventually she told me that was enough she didn't want to do any crafts ever again!

She's 21 now. Along the way, she helped run workshops for women who are victims of domestic violence.
She co chaired the launch of a new Dyslexia Charity with a famous expert from the USA.
She became a pssionate sailor and spent two long summers, sailing with another HE family, up one side of the British Coast line and then down the other-loads of maths in navigation, also natuaral history, geology, geography and political history of the British Isles, covered on those trips!
She worked part time for a little family run business, and ended up managing staff, stock and customers, whilst the owner was on maternity leave.

she then used all of these life experiences to get herself a job with a job with a well known national organisation and she left home happily at 18.

She has changed direction now and is at FE college and going on to Uni. She is scoring distinctions in all of her academic and practical assignements.

Please do find local home educators, get some support, get your LA to back off, and give your child time to find her feet.

It'll be the very best thing you have ever done.

My now grown up children tell me that having us on their side in the face of the school and giving them time to regain their self confidence and self respect, was the very best thing we have ever done for them.

dashing out now to fetch dd2 from college, apologies for long post (again) and any spelling mistakes!

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