Using Nursery if planning to HE...any experience/advice?

[SugarPeaSnap]

Apologies in advance I'm sure this will come out a bit confused, and it definitely reflects my own mental state!
...I fantasise daily about HE and how it could work for our family, but my eldest has just turned 3 so this September would be the time he would start nursery and I'm feeling increasingly nervous about taking the formal decision not to send him. Part of me feels he would really enjoy going to a preschool 2 or 3 mornings a week but in my mind this wouldn't be preparation for school, it would just be for the sake of the experience itself.
We are moving house soon (back to my home town but a big change for my son all the same)and will be living a stone's throw from a very good friend of mine who has a son the same age that my DS is very close to. I can just imagine them enjoying going to this local nursery together a couple of mornings a week and feel my son might feel a bit left out if he son catches on that all the other children nearby are in nursery. But at same time I want to give HE a go. So the rest of the week I plan on going out and about to museums, zoo etc and just carrying on as we have been until now living/playing/learning together, whilst trying out a few HE groups. Does this sound like a good plan, or should I try to be more committed to HE from the start to give it a proper go?
I think I 'm worried that I might not have the stamina for it, and as for the first year after the move, DH will be working away 3 weeks out of 4 I am quite daunted about becoming a part time single mum and trying to be Home Educator all at once (have a nine month old baby too btw). In that way I'm thinking maybe nursery would give me a bit of back up and just diversify our mornings a bit as well as getting to know more people in the area. I don't have a problem with the foundation stage curriculum, it's everything after it that I want to boycott!
But at the same time I worry that if I send him now then maybe it's the beginning of the end for my dreams for HE and he'll expect to go onto school like all the others and so if I really want to HE then I should just throw myself into it in the first place. But if we HE this year and I find it too hard then he'd have to go straight into Reception 5 days a week the following year and I think that would be such an awful shock. So, this is how it goes round and round in my head. Someone must have been here before... Any comments gratefully received

P.S. I guess the thing that is bothering me is that I want to be strong and confident in the way I guide my sensitive and highly aware child through the big transition of our move, so whatever decision I take I need to feel good about it.

One of the selfish reasons I don't want to send DS in September is because of the amount of time and effort involved in getting us up and there, walking back, having an hour to spend with new baby before walking back to collect him, then him be too tired to do anything fun in the afternoon.

Sending them just for half days doesn't really give much of a break as far as I can see.

I haven't decided yet though.

my Ds is now 5 and we HE. When he was three we put him into nursery two mornings a week. We actually carried this on through what would have been his reception year as the nursery were very open to this. We did this to keep up his socialisation with other children while we were also building up a HE network of friends. It has worked well for us. DS does occasionally ask about a couple of friends he had at nursery, but is generally content with our HE circle (which is small as we are rural)
What sort of methods of HE are you thinking? DS has just started having two hours a week with a tutor (family member) to cover his reading/maths but in a very gentle way. Aside from that we're autonomous at the moment.

TimeWasting yes, I completely agree, that's one of the reasons I have on my "don't do it" list!

On the other hand..... queenrollo what you've done sounds like what I have in mind, it's good to hear it worked for you. In terms of HE methods I plan on being autonomous. The children would have at least one day a week with grandparents who are always doing interesting, practical and cretive things. My plan is to kind of pepper their lives with interesting experiences and leave the rest up to them. We're a dual nationality family too so HE would give us more opp to travel at cheaper times of year and for longer as well as giving more time to make learning to read and write in two languages easier if the children choose to.

Can I ask, what else were you doing the years your son was at nursery, was it as I'm thinking, a case of testing the HE waters, or were you pretty much decided that that was the way you were going to go anyway?

If you are keen on autonomous education, perhaps it would feel right to let your son be the one who decides whether to go to nursery, as you put it, "for the sake of the experience itself"?

You could just present it to him as you would a swim session or a dance class: "Here's something you might like. Some kids like going to nursery and some don't. Do you want to try it?"

I wasn't very favourably inclined towards nursery. My daughter, however, overheard all the pro-nursery hype and was eager to give it a try. So she did.

It took a good deal of hunting to find a nursery which wasn't too hung up on formal teaching and where the staff obviously liked children. I stayed for the first few sessions. (Parents were encouraged to stay as long as they wanted until they felt comfortable leaving their children, which was another reason this particular nursery appealed to me.) Every morning I asked my daughter whether she wanted to go to nursery today. If she said yes and if she was cooperative about getting ready in time then we went, otherwise not. (I wasn't going to get stressed trying to make her eat breakfast or get dressed faster: I figured if she actually wanted to go then she'd show it.)

She went less and less often and after three weeks stopped going altogether. It would have been fine with me if she had continued.

I meant to say, I understand your need to be strong and confident about the decisions you make. But really, any of these nursery and schooling decisions can be made and changed and adapted. You don't have to have it all planned out years in advance, starting as you mean to continue. You can tinker as you go along.

Strong and confident doesn't have to mean having all the answers at the outset. Why not be strong and confident and flexible? You could give him the message, "This is what we're doing right now. If we don't like it, we'll fix it so we are happy. I am sure we can find the best way forward."

For example, you said, "if we HE this year and I find it too hard then he'd have to go straight into Reception 5 days a week the following year and I think that would be such an awful shock." If it is such an awful shock, I would argue that proves it isn't the right place for him. But anyway, you could still ease him into school gradually if you wanted. You could accept a school place for Reception and defer it until he reaches compulsory education age at Eastertime, sending him to nursery part-time for the first two terms of his "Reception year." Or ask the school for a part-time arrangement for the first two terms - they aren't obliged to agree but many will if it is a temporary arrangement for an under-five.

There are lots of possibilities. You don't have to get everything right the first time. It will all come together for you.

Saracen, what wise words, they've really helped me. Strong confident and flexible will be my mantra And yes, it does feel right to let my son know he has a choice, I think that's got to be the way forward. You've really helped me click out of my spiral of worries! Thanks so much for posting.

sugar

I was pretty certain that I was going to HE. We did apply for a place at the school that the nursery fed into while we assessed whether HE would suit DS. Towards the end of him being at nursery it became obvious to us that he wouldn't cope with the routine of school. He is a very active, outdoors child and would have hated being confined to a classroom.
We were also making a transition of our family unit as his dad and I separated so we had a wide range of things to take into consideration.
We do a lot of festivals, and DS dad is a musician. For us schooling would have had an impact on some of the activities which are a big part of our lifestyle, as time off for these would have become harder to get.
It something that for us was viewed as a whole lifestyle rather than simply the aspect of DS education.
I also had experience through working with his Gran of the sorts of problems our local schools were having delivering an education and to be honest felt I would be failing DS if i sent him to school.

As for the nursery thing, one big consideration for us was that DS is a very sociable child and he really did need that interaction with other children while i sought out HE families to do that with. If you can build a HE circle now, then you may find nursery won't be necessary to fulfil this for you. Likewise if your child is not actually the sort who needs regular socialisation with other children then you may want to bypass nursery.

Have you thought of looking to see if there are local Steiner groups? It not something I favour personally but i do know that locally the Steiner groups do lots of good activities for very small children, woodland walks etc....

Oh good, I'm really glad it helped!

It's unfortunate that having choices sometimes makes us feel more anxious in case we make the wrong choice, rather than feeling empowered. But I think a big part of this anxiety may have rubbed off from overhearing the discussions of people who are sending their kids to school, and who feel once they have chosen a school or type of school they have sealed their children's fate forever - despite the fact that parents whose children have changed school, or type of school, or even country say that children do adapt. Making the right decision feels like a huge responsibility for parents who think they can't change.

My eleven year old is already stressing over whether she'll choose the "right" career, and I have to keep reassuring her that most people change direction a number of times in their lives and there's nothing wrong with trying various jobs to learn more about what she likes. Fortunately, every adult she knows has taken a while to find a "calling". It happens that all of the people we know who are most fulfilled only found their ideal career after the age of 25. None of them say that their previous years were wasted: they spent that time learning about themselves and gaining a wide range of experience in a variety of environments.

It's the same for many of my friends who tried school before HE, or did HE for a while before sending their kids to school, or who have been back and forth several times. They feel that the process of trying different things was necessary to them and was a step that couldn't have been missed out. It makes them all the more comfortable with whatever they are now doing. (The only regret that some have is that they hesitated too long, afraid to make a change when their child was unhappy in the wrong setting. The effects of being unhappy for a long time can take a while to undo.)

A few lucky people do have a strong preference for a particular career from an early age and always enjoy it. A few lucky families are always sure which education system will work for them and it continues to be the best answer for them throughout. Everybody else has a guess as to what they want and gives it a try, ready to jump ship if their first choice no longer feels right.

Oh, I have a suggestion for a book you might like to share with your little boy, alongside whichever everybody-loves-preschool book he'll have seen already. It might reassure him that it's OK if he dislikes preschool, despite all the messages to the contrary that he'll be getting from everybody else.

I've copied the following from a post I made a few years age.

When I'm at the library I always pick up those books about starting school or nursery and leaf through them. I know exactly what will happen: child, possibly reluctant at first, goes off to school or nursery, decides it's a fun place, story over. I can't help myself. I have to read them anyway. I guess I am hoping against hope to find one that will have a different ending, which acknowledges that not all children enjoy school.

WELL, IT EXISTS, AND I FOUND IT! Rosemary Wells' "Edward's First Day at School."

After a week of unhappiness at preschool, here's the text of the last few pages:

"On Friday, Edward's teacher said, 'Not everyone is ready for the same things at the same time.'
"'Well, we'll just take him home until he IS ready,' said Edward's mum and dad.
"'Be ready soon!' shouted everybody. 'I'm ready right now,' said Edward.
"'What are you ready for?' asked Edward's dad. 'I'm ready for my sandwich,' said Edward.
"'And Bunny is ready for his bug soup!'"

There are two other books in this series, with similar plots.

Check out the review it received from the School Library Journal: "Edward is not a helpful role model for young children... Wells's characteristically droll, cuddly creations do not rescue the series from its exceedingly counterproductive
message. Buy another copy of Watty Piper's classic The Little Engine That Could (Putnam, 1978) to help children bolster their confidence."

("Buy another copy"? So if the first copy doesn't get the message across, let's keep piling more on until the child collapses under the weight of all that Positive Mental Attitude...)

"As for the nursery thing, one big consideration for us was that DS is a very sociable child and he really did need that interaction with other children while i sought out HE families to do that with. If you can build a HE circle now, then you may find nursery won't be necessary to fulfil this for you. Likewise if your child is not actually the sort who needs regular socialisation with other children then you may want to bypass nursery."

Excellent point, queenrollo. I think that was a big part of the reason why my first dd wanted to try nursery: the children her age had disappeared from the toddler groups and were too tired/busy from nursery to have frequent playdates anymore. We did a few home ed activities, but not enough for her. Her little sister has grown up in the midst of a social whirl, and besides, she's not such a sociable person as my older daughter. She's barely even aware of the existence of nursery/school, and certainly doesn't hanker after it. Her world is complete already.

Hello Sugarsnap, Ive been/am in your boat and Ithink theworries about getting it right are quite natural. Save yourself some worry though because whatever youdo, if its not right, you can change it!

I personally see schools as a resource to be used or not, depending onthe child and on your own circumstances.

My DD started playschool at 3 and a half for 3 morns a week. There was always a choice about going and some days she was too tired. Here in Ireland children generally start school at 5, so shes 4 and a half now and still at playschool and absolutely loves it. She chose to up her days to 4 and she gets up excited about going. We did try her 5 morns but she got too tired and so went back to 4.

DS aged 3 and a half started in Sept for 2 morns, loved itfor 2 weeks, then started saying he didnt like it. We gave it some time, tried to help him over any hurdles, I even went in with him for a period of time. The lady who runs it is lovely and allowed me to dothis, but in the end I took him out as it was clear he just wasnt ready.

I am considering HE for both next year, but am also considering flexi schooling. We may be moving soon, so this will clarify what decision is best.

Im basically just going with the flow! My preference is to HE till theyre 7ish and then flexi afterwards.

HI, my DD, now 4 has never been to pre-school all the frends she has had since birth went at 3, DD knows this and knows she will not go and is fine about it, gets her hair off at peopel that keep telling her she will be going soon. DD still sees her frends and now also has home ed frends as well. DD is verey social, talks to anybody anywhere. I dont know at what age it will feel like anything has changed. It doesent feel like hard work unless we are having a bad day, but i see frends whos kids do go to school have bad days as well.

Sorry for not replying to your helpful responses, I've been without phone or internet all week, finally plugged back into civilisation!

queenrollo thanks for sharing your reasons for sending your son to nursery. It's helpful to hear stories of people who use school/nursery as a resource in this way. Like Yamba said, I can see it might be the right thing for a certain time and then it ceases to be appropriate/meet your needs, and that's okay. Or rather it's more than okay, because in fact that how it should be, as every child is entitled to an education and life style that does meet their needs.
Saracen Thanks for that book recommendation, I'll track it down to have on standby in the possibley likely scenario that DS will choose not to stay at nursery. What a breath of fresh air. I too couldn't bring my self to read him anything else I've seen about starting school as they all have a coercive message hidden in them.
I couldn't agree more with what you say about the sense of security people seem to feel in having got their children into the 'right' school. It makes it sound as if their eduction and future well being is sorted, box ticked. Whereas in reality it is just as much of a leap into the unknown, if not more so, than HE which for us will be a continuation of how we're been living up to now.
I'm convinced that HE could continue to work for our family, but I have niggly little demons (all the "what ifs?") that rise up and make me panic, if I can tame them, I'll be fine!
zoekinson you're so right that all kids have bad days, and I know that if my son went to school all day 5 days a week, we'd have bad mornings and evenings with the struggle to leave the house and the overwraught emotions afterwards. I couldn't bear that.

I'm almost certain that we are going to be HE when the time comes. I really like the autonomous approach so we will probably go with that.

Saying that, I have in the last few weeks, been sending my 22month old to nursery 2mornings a week. I have 2 children under 2yrs and with no family around to help and a Dp who works away 12 days out of 14 I was physically and mentally exhausted. This meant I could never get the motivation to go anywhere, do anything and we where all miserable.

The two mornings a week at nursery mean that ds1 has somewhere to go and do things we wouldn't do at home, socialise with other children etc. On these mornings, ds2 (nearly 6months) just go home or to a relaxed baby group and have that couple of hours just to recuperate iygwim? And because I'm getting this break, on the days ds1 isn't at nursery, I have much more energy to do things. Soft play/beach/park/swimming etc etc.

He won't be there for long as we're moving closer to family soon but as he is, I purposely choose a nursery where the emphasis was on free play, no formal teaching, and the big plus, they have unlimited free access to the garden. So yeah, he's happy, I'm happy and we still plan to HE.

Good for you Pixie, it sounds like that was the best decision for all of you. Not sure how I'm going to cope when my DH is working away 3 weeks out out of 4, I'm just putting it out of my head until the time comes!