Adjustment to being at home...help

[IngridBergmann]

Ds is currently on authorised absence from school due to problems within his class at school.

I'm considering keeping him at home longer term, but have hit a bit of a stumbling block.
He is finding it hard, I think, to adjust to being here. Either that or he is displaying pent up frustration from what was occurring at school - it's hard to tell.

But I wondered if anyone else had experienced this - basically, he was having periods of short lived aggression after school when he was there (and the situation at school was not good). Once we tried to tackle the problem, these improved a bit but were still happening sporadically.
Then we decided to take him out for a few weeks while school tries to sort out the problem (which isn't his fault btw).

When we started last weekend, he was overjoyed, really excited, very keen to learn. He's still keen to learn and seems happy at times, but at other times he becomes very aggressive and angry and seems not to know why - it's directed at me, naturally, but I'm wondering if it's really something I've done or just a whole load of crossness he's been building up for the last, well, two years of school problems.

For instance we had a brill time this morning on a trip wth a school friend. Then straight afterwards, he went really sulky and fed up and couldn't explain why.

I hope he isn't angry for my removing him from his friends as that would be dreadful. I do think he is struggling to figure out where he belongs, and how to integrate with me and ds2 who are used to being together without him. Not that ds1 is getting left out or anything, but he seems so lost and upset sometimes.

I suppose I'm just after some insight, if anyone has any to offer.

also I should say he has never been aggressive at school, always polite and tries hard to please, but he seems not to have the same composure at home (naturally)

I don't enjoy his defiance but try hard to stay reasonable, though I get cross back at him as well.

I need to know what to do - if he's testing me, trying to create new boundaries, or if I am really failing him and lacking in the required authority...I remind myself of a nervous, stuttering and frankly rubbish teacher we had at secondary school who got ripped to bits by all the kids for being useless.

He is only 7 btw.

He sounds quite a bit like our 7 year old DS4.

We took him and DS3 (who is 10) out of school three weeks ago and the first week was great - no problems. The last 2 weeks DS4 has been playing up - refusing to do what I say, stamping his foot and having mini tantrums etc.

I think he's testing the boundaries of what is a new situation to all of us. I'm just trying to stay consistent, not to shout at him - I am also operating a zero tolerance policy where he goes straight to the stairs for 5 mins as soon as he misbehaves.

It's almost been like having a toddler in the house again at times!

We're still deschooling at the moment so I'm giving it time. I think we'll get there in the end!

Ah, it's really good to hear that, you know...I mean, I'm sorry you are going through it too, but the fact it sounds so similar is reassuring.

Was your ds4 having problems with anything at school? I wondered if mine was reacting in a delayed sort of way to what had happened before iyswim, now it's safe to.

But the boundary testing sounds about right, really - there as to be a whole new dynamic now that he and ds2 are both here.

Good luck with yours - can I be nosey and ask what made you decide to unschool your lads?

Thanks again for replying

I think after 2 years of problems at school, and 2 years of forcing himself to be polite and compliant, what you're probably getting is the lid popping off a pressure cooker full of feelings that he can't articulate, but is just starting to feel able to allow to come to the surface. In a sense, it's a good thing, as he needs to "un-bury" all the bad stuff he's been suppressing all this time. OTOH that doesn't mean you have to put up with just anything!

So, accept that he's expressing a lot of unhappiness, anger, frustration etc. And continue to apply consistent, but loving, boundaries, so he has that security. At 7, he won't be able to tell you why he has odd moods, and won't understand them himself. But it should ease up over time, I'm sure.

I think the usual suggestion for "deschooling" is a month for every year they were in school, so give it at last a couple of months before you start to fret about it - I'm sure he'll be starting to feel more settled by then.

I suspect it would also help for you to make a definite decision about keeping him out of school, so he knows for sure that he can adjust and not have to adjust back. But, obviously that can be a complex thing for you as a parent to decide.

Thanks so much.

The decision thing is really bothering me tbh. He's out till after half term but I don't know whether to send him back or not - things might not have improved, they might get worse again. And I have lost some confidence in the school, but we know no better schools either.

Ds2's reception place depends on ds1 being there, as well, till the end of March. I am loath to confuse him further though

The pressure cooker thing sounds very apt. I have been getting angry about this behaviour but trying really hard to work with it and be consistent and not shout tooooo much.

He doesn't understand it and neither do I but I need to stop being so scared of him - he hit me with a bottle of water yesterday, I was shocked. But he is only 7.

Hoping it does resolve gradually.

I'd go outside a lot - let him burn off lots of energy

And maybe make something of a routine - swimming on mondays or whatever, park on tuesdays, just little simple things, so that there is some sense of direction to the week if that might help him.

But yes, I'd be expecting all sorts of emotions to come out.

Not great for your child not to know whether he'll be back in the lion's den in a fortnight. I'd get him signed off sick by the GP for the rest of term, tbh. Then you have the assured reception place for child 2, but can lift the stress properly for child 1.

Thankyou, that is really helpful. Today has been far, far better and he seems to take it in his stride that we get up a little bit later and take ds2 to preschool, and he hasn't mentioned school at all.

I have a GP's letter which explains his problems due to the school issue, so in theory could keep him off using that, but I think we are hoping the situation will have improved a bit when he goes back, and we want to give it a try. If it's much better then he will be pleased to go back.

If it isn't, however, we'll just whip him out again. I'm wondering though if what we knew was the tip of the iceberg though and he is actually going to want to stay at home once the time comes to return.

We've a few activities going on with his school friends this week, which is helping him I think.

You need to decide if he's going back or not. I'd say he is as unsure as you are and for most kids that will make them act up.

I took my son out of school, but it was a conscious decision as I felt we could provide a better standard of education at home. After two awful bullying incidents where the school refused to intervene because the other child had "anger issues", and being told by his teacher that he would be better off being home schooled I took the hint. We gave him a period of un-schooling before diving in with Home Ed.

However if you are going to send him back to school you really need to make him knuckle down or he'll be behind and then you face bigger issues when he returns to school. Kids hate being the one who hasn't done the work or doesn't understand it.

It's so hard knowing what's the right thing to do, just know that if you follow your gut as you would have done when he was a baby, it will all work out fine.

Thankyou MrsGracey and I'm sorry you have been through something a bit like this regarding school and their unwillingness to do anything...

we have been doing some school work, I asked his teacher for some twice and initially she just ignored or refused, not sure which - she didn't approve of the absence.

Then about a week into his time off she sent a list of stuff they might be doing in his class. So we have done some of that.

Tbh I don't think he will be too worried about missing bits and pieces because they do different topics every few weeks, so everyone will move on together.

I don't approve of some of the teaching methods anyway - and they sort of go over his little head - such as the math testing once a week where they get exactly 6 minutes to answer 30 odd questions.

Ds gets to about question 20 by the end of the time, and has usually got most of those answers right, but gets the others marked wrong becaue he ran out of time. That really pisses me off because it makes him feel stupid, and he's not, he's just a bit slow to process visual information. We do the tests (which he enjoys) without the time limit. They can't have it both ways!!

However I am hesitant to dive into HE with aplomb as it were. This is for two reasons. Firstly, my family are against it and I have little support apart from them; ds's father isn't with us, and isn't here much. Maybe twice a month for a couple of hours.

Secondly as a single parent I'm likely to have to go back to work in the next couple of years and am really, really worried about how I will do that if the kids are at home. However much I would LOVE to teach them at home, the option may well not be there.

I admire you for what you have done, and would love to do the same, but I'm worried about it.

By the way... sorry if it's a daft question, but could someone possibly explain 'deschooling' for me please? I'm not very clued up despite my interest in the subject.

two things.

1. If you may need to go back to work in, say, 3 years' time, but your son is not thriving in school NOW, then why would you send him to school NOW because (at the moment) you are thinking you will have to in 3 years? That's crazy!

1. deschooling is the process that anyone has to go through when they leave schooling behind. It takes time to recover from that coercive institutional environment, where you have to learn according to someone else's agenda. As a university teacher, I'd say it often takes until the beginning of a student's final year - that is, almost 2 whole years. For a younger child, the rule of thumb is that it takes about 1 month to recover for every year in school. That means that, if you want your inquisitive, curious, busy child back, the one you remember as a toddler, you need to lay off the school work totally, lay off anything that has an educational agenda, for one month per schooled year.

After that time (or even within it - I think it is purposefully a bit exaggerated), you will find you do not need to push your child's learning, or even direct it very much - that they will be busy doing things that are educational for them a lot of the time (although it may often not look explicitly educational to an outside observer)

HTH.

Found this article for someone else the other day.

{{http://sandradodd.com/pattiedeschooling Deschooling]]

There you go.

oops try again

Deschooling

I'm glad I could help a little.

I work for myself and believe me fitting in home ed and self employment is a juggle. My family made supportive noises, as did my friends but I have had a barrage of questions and people will not hold back giving you their opinion on why what you're doing is wrong.

I would say, find a local home ed group, seek the resources now, Yahoo have several Home Ed Groups. You can then find out what support you have got. Maybe other mums need to work too and you could split childcare. Your other choice is to part school and part home ed, but you need the school to see the worth. However if you're unhappy with the education system like me, that really isn't an option.

I live away from family and home ed'ed as a single mum until I got married in December. I chose to live on a very tight budget so my son could have a happier life. School really isn't the best option for every child.

My middle child hated school, by senior school she absconded so often I was threatened with prosecution. I didn't take her out, and subsequently a bright, intelligent child hated the school system and failed. I wasn't willing to make that mistake again.

You really need to do what is best for your family. Remember resources are there however at night when you shut the door there may be no-one to vent to.

Here if you need help, advise, just say.

I remind myself of a nervous, stuttering and frankly rubbish teacher we had at secondary school who got ripped to bits by all the kids for being useless.

I used to feel like this. I have been HS'ing my 5 year old son since the summer. Your confidence and ability to teach should approve the longer you do it. For us, things really turned around when we subscribed to a proper programme. Prior to that, I had been relying on my own resources and it was disastrous. We are loving it now. DS still has moments of defiance, for instance he is currently in his room playing as he'd had enough of the Maths we were doing and stormed off, but I'll go in in a moment and coax him out with cookies .

My DD is always like this when theres a change in routine. She gets angry and aggressive and almost seems depressed. Give your son time, it will pass. Gradually try to find a simple rhythm to your HE life and he will settle down.

When I took my DS2 out of year 5 in primary school to home educate he showed all sorts of aggressive and upsetting behaviours for at least a year.

I was also upset at how badly things had gone with school and how I hadn't been able to understand what on earth was wrong. An HFA diagnosis came later and this has helped me see what we were all doing wrong for so long. So there was/is a lot of turmoil from my side too.

He was also overjoyed at being 1) out of school and 2) with me at home.

Three years into home education he is so settled compared to how he was before. Our family is calm and this is with 2 teenage boys.

I notice that DS2 gets unsettled at the start of each term and at the start of each holidays because he and I are adjusting to DS1 being away all day then back with us all day. DS1 is at a day school.

In my search for insight I have a stack of autism and Home education books, plus subscriptions to magazines! I also have spent weeks of my life online...

Thankyou all, very much, for your time and consideration. I'm really grateful for the links and for your explanations and experiences.

I have a lot to think about.
We just got home from playing with his friends - very energetic and tiring, he is hungry I know but he demanded I make him exactly what he wants, and when I explained what I was making for everyone, he got very defiant and started shouting - he then picked up a small chair and held it up as though to throw it.

I said not to even think about it, but I didn't lose the plot - and he stormed off in the end after a lot of making evil faces at me, and has come back into the room after five minutes seemingly fine.

I'm baffled - unless it's low blood sugar or something. He has not been like this before...I mean, he's had the odd occasion of being very defiant but never tried to throw furniture at me.

I do feel very worried.

Maybe have pre-meal nibbles or something in the car. Then you could hold your ground about just making one meal and he would get food inside him never the less. Call it a special name so it's a bit formal and all part of the plan if that helps you feel in charge.

I developed the art of handing over a little bowl of favourite somethings with no eye contact or verbals at all. Once things are starting to get out of control, the faster I can de-escalate it the better.

Prevention is much, much happier all round.

I need preventative food inside me too. I get more stroppy and insistent about things if I'm hungry.

Thankyou, yes I think low blood sugar has a lot to answer for

I'll try to keep something with me so he can have a snack.