Could I have some moral support please? DD has started school after HE, and I'm a bit upset...

[Astrophe]

because I'm getting the feeling that I have really failed her. :(

She is almost 7, this is her first year of school (in Australia, so the school year started last week).

The teacher is not very communiicative, but from what I can gather DD is doing some remedial reading catch up scheme. teacher says they are juust 'assessing' her at this stage, but they are concerned that DD doesn't like to work alone, and seeks a lot of reassurance from teacher.

This is her personality - I tried to explain that she is of anxious disposition and needs a lot of encouragement. She hates to make mistakes. Teacher said I need to stop helping her so much, and let her work independently (she hasn't even had any home work yet, so I'm not sure what work she thinks I should 'let' her do).

In my rational moments I think, no, DD is struggling with this because she just is, and HEing her didn;t cause that problem. I did the right thing to give her time and space to develop.

But part of me (the part that is crying now) thinks its all my fault, and that she is now stigmatised as a struggling child, and I'm sure the teacher thinks that is the case.

DD is reasoanbly bright, has an excellent vocabulary, listens very well to complex stories and grasps (and enjoys) the meaning, her maths is fine. I just feel terrible that the fact that her reading is taking longer to develop going to be made such an issue of.

No, it isn't your fault. You've been (I trust) teaching her in a child-led manner, somewhat, and she would have got there in her own time.

I had similar when I sent ds1 to school aged 5 - he had missed a chunk of reception and they kept on and on about him being 'below range' but didn't want to give him any extra help, bizarrely.

I knew he hadn't grasped reading and writing very well, but he was 5, and a boy, and they don't always have the neural pathways at that age...so it didn't bother me much.

I just put it down to school being school iykwim.

The sense of being considered renegade and disruptive to his education was tangible, but I tried to ignore it and instead concentrated on what they should be doing and how happy he was.

Now in yr3 and he is doing fine. He's about average in most stuff.

Try and ignore their prejudice. It's in their interests to have all children the same, but obviously that isn't how it is and they need to get over it. It's not your problem.

Oh and ds1 spent most of his home ed phase digging holes in the garden and taking slugs to pieces in the sink.

I consider it time well used. He knew the anatomy of a slug. It was all he needed to know at that point.

You know that your dd has excellent vocab, good understanding and maths is fine. I can't see why you think you've failed her. Having longer at home could enable her to deal with the new situation much better than if she had gone earlier. She's a little unsure of things at the moment but then it's a whole new experience and she's not learned the ropes at the school yet. Natural to need reassurance, I'd say. It might all be different by half term. Fwiw one of the things I found with one of mine when they came out of school was that she needed reassurance before she would answer a question and was terrified of getting it wrong. HE seems to have cured her of that.

As for not reading well yet, once she gets the idea there might be no stopping her. The danger is if she gets the message that she's not good enough somehow and that could put her off. That's something you might have to find a way to address.

Your dd will need time to adjust and the teacher needs to recognise that. Whatever your dd might be behind with she will more than likely catch up in time and there are probably other areas where she is streets ahead.

Give it time. A week's not enough time to pass a judgement (so I don't understand the teacher) and your dd is only 7yo. Carry on helping her whatever the teacher says.

If she's very unhappy with the school way is there an option for her to return to HE?

The school is complaining that your child doesn't like to work alone and would rather have a lot of adult attention and encouragement. From their point of view, this is a problem. They don't have the staff to accommodate her. That does not mean anything is wrong with your child.

If your dd had gone to school young, maybe by now she would be resigned to a lack of adult attention and would comply with what they want her to do. Does that mean you have failed her by home educating her?

Imagine a child who'd been brought up all her life on a good varied diet and was then sent into some horrible Dickensian institution and presented with watery gruel. She might refuse to eat it at first. Children who'd been brought up in the institution on nothing but gruel and had never known better food would eat what they were given. It wouldn't occur to them to do otherwise, or to complain. If I were the parent of that first child, even if I knew she was destined for gruel, I would still give her what she needed in her early years.

Thank you all very much for the encouragement.

I do know that DD is very able in some areas, and always stands out as being engaging and interesting to talk to - many adults have said it. I just feel desperately sad that those things wont be (highly) valued at school - ie, that DD wont really be valued until she conforms at least a bit :(

Unfortunately HE isn't a practical option this year for us, and realisticly not for several years. So DD really needs to get the best out of school for at least the next while.

I've always found if quite hard to deal with the prejudices against HE, we are really very isolated where we are so I really do appreciate your kind words of support.

I had a chat to DD last night and told her that teacher wants her to just try to write/spell/read more words, even if she doesn't think its right. I'll tell teacher I've encouraged DD to do this, and see what happens.

I agree with saracen. In many schools there is this expectation for children to 'work independently' but often this is before the children have actually mastered all the skills necessary to 'work independently' on the required task with confidence. Often children may not have the confidence but learn to pretend or muddle through because of embarrassment instead of asking for help, especially if they don't get the first or second explanation. It's for this very reason that people are always complaining that the student/teacher ratio is often too high in state schools etc and it's better for the children if they have more teaching assistants in the class.

I've observed with my children, once I sit with them and go over something until they know it 100% I can leave them alone to work on it for ages. They then have the confidence to try and stretch themselves with other related tasks.

Since you daughter was HE'd she never had to hide what her feelings about anything she didn't feel completely confidant with. She felt quite secure in asking for help and naturally expected it if she needed it. So I certainly wouldn't say that you've let her down in anyway, but if she has to stay at school (and work by their system) she will need extra help in the areas she hasn't mastered yet if she's to have more confidence working alone and a teacher shouldn't expect that after a mere week!

I'm not convinced that she is behind in her reading. Don't get upset until you know the facts. The teacher has just said they are atm assessing her which implies to me that they or the teacher does not approve of HE and expects to find your dc lagging behind.

What is she reading for instance and how much? If her vocabulary is excellent, she is well on the way. If you see the books the other dc in the class ar being expected to read, you will know whether your dd is at that level or not, go in and ask to see them.

Thanks for more replies.

I talked to the teacher and said I'd been encouraging DD to "have a go" at writing words she doesn't know, as teacher said she was "concerned" that DD doesn't seem to want to work independently and instead waits ot ask the teacher and check the spelling before she writes a word.

This is because DD is anxious about writing things incorrectly, and also doesn't see the pint in it, if she can find out the correct spelling from the teacher (and TBH, I can understand her reasoning here, although I can see why its not practical at school with a class of 25).

Anyway, I asked the teacher to sepecially encourage DD when she tries words she doesn't 'know', and the teacher said "oh, yess, well she did really well with that today - much better"...which makes me think, why on earth did she make an issue of it in the first place? If the 'problem' is as easily solved as that, it surely can't have been too serious - all she needed was encouragement and a bit more time (as many of you have said).

Re her reading, the assessment has revealed that she is not up to the average standard of the class apperently, but also that she is not in need of the schools 'remedial' program - so she can't be all that bad. I know there is no real issue apart from confidence and practice - she perfectly understands the concept and purpose of reading, knows her sounds, understands phonics...she just doesn't like doing it (yet, hopefully!).

I'm feeling more confident now, but still anxious that teacher is going to make an issue of DDs weaknesses and hence make things hard for her, rather than focussing on her strengths.

Glad to hear that things are going a bit better for your daughter now!

You obviously raised a bright, intelligent child, who knows her own mind, if she can communicate what happens during her day, you have no worries :)

thanks :) Will try to remember to update in a few weeks and tell you how she is getting on.

astrophe

I could have written your post!!!

My ds1 is 7 and started in year 3 last november after 10 months HE.

The school is giving him 1-1 help on a friday for 30 mins but he is happy and making progress - thats all I care about.

RMCW - nice to know someone is in the same situation :)

Why did you stop HE?

Glad to hear your DS is making good progress :)

RMCW - nice to know someone is in the same situation :)

Why did you stop HE?

Glad to hear your DS is making good progress :)

Hello.

ds1 started to to mention going back to school last summer....didnt do anything about it til oct last year as I wanted him to be sure.

Its worked out well for us do far

I have 3 kids, none of whom were HEd, although we have considered it. They are all perfectionists, and desperate to get things right.
The middle one is very reluctant to write unless she has the spellings perfect, and whenever possible will ask someone for the correct spelling of every word; even though sometimes when she is encouraged enough to try independently, she gets her spellings correct.

Do not beat yourself up about this. Even if there is an ideal educational route for each child, it is not possible to know what this is (unless with hind sight). You just have to do your best. Do try to keep the dialogue going with the teacher, do ask her advice and try not to over react to criticism, if only to be a good example to your child. Do thank and praise the teacher, as it helps build a good relationship. Do encourage your daughter. But also do realise that parenthood seems to come with one big sack of guilt and we can only do what we think is the best at the time.

Good luck! I'm sure your DD will be fine.

My ds was like this and we hadn't he'd. His teachers would say that he wanted to talk to them all the time and discuss, chat and ask about things. (We were v child-centred at home). They came up with a strategy where he was allowed to go up x amount of times at x times and gradually he got used to less attention.

Sad, but true in large classes.

thanks Mummytime and hullygully, thats helpful to hear.

The trouble with HEd is that all the naysayers will blame everything thats 'wrong' on the fact that they are being Home educated, whereas of course you are right, some kids will always struggle in certain areas, no matter how they are educated. I know this, but we have so many nay sayers in our lives that I really can't hear it often enough. Thank you :)

bright children like to talk to adults because they are more interesting (if they engage properly)and they can learn more.

:o, thanks hully.

It is true though, she chooses friends who she can engage well with too. She has been complaining to me about the girl who sits next to her - says she is a pain and thinks she knows everything, but actually DD can't understand what she is on about most of the time. I met the girl today, and thought hevens, poor DD. Little girl was a PITA and talking complete nonsense constantly!

D told me today that she "loves" reading now (which makes a change!) and that she can't wait to be a "real school girl". Real School Girls, according to DD's demostration, walk along reading novels, and accidently bump inot things because they are so absorbed in their book and don't see things in front of them.

I think she will get there soon :)

betel - thanks for that, it looks interesting - will have a proper read when I have time.

The classroom is certainly very reading based - it would have been less so in Kindergarten (equiv of reception) last year, so that is plagueing me - thinking I should have just sent her last year...but we didn't think she was old enough then.

She seems to be going ok anyway. She seems very aware of her not being as good a reader as some others in the class, but also seems fairly positive about reading, and not despondent...so she sok so far. I just really hope the teaher will be encouraging and valuing her strengths too...time will tell I guess.