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Find advice from other parents on our Homeschool forum. You may also find our round up of the best online learning resources useful.

Finding it hard having to act as a play mate to my only child.

14 replies

mummyloveslucy · 02/02/2011 20:32

Hi, not sure wether to put this under home ed or only child familys. Anyway, I have a 6 year old daughter who has SEN's. I've found since we started HEing that she wants to play with me all the time, but it has to be on her terms. She wants us to act out stories over and over again. She'll tell me what to say and if I don't understand what she's said she gets really stressed with me. I find it sooo mind numbingly booring, but she wants to do it constantly. She can't seem to entertain herself for very long at all either. Sometimes I feel I'm slowly loosing the will to live.
I've concidered having another baby so that she'll have someone else to play with but there'll be such a big age gap now, she'll probubly still want me to be her entertainer. We don't have friends around very often as they are all so buisy with one thing or another.

Does anyone else have this problem, if so how do you manage to stay saine?

OP posts:
UnSerpentQuiCourt · 02/02/2011 21:01

I think you have got to find other children of some kind. Are there any home ed groups you could join?

Rubimou · 02/02/2011 21:56

Hello, I'm afraid I can't really give any advice but I just wanted to say , I feel your pain! I have made the decision to HE my son who is 3, and for a variety of reasons don't feel school would be optimal place for him to be, but am constantly questioning whether I'll have the stamina to be his playmate due to all the reasons you stated above. I observed my DS playing with another 3yo recently and noticed that he was so much more willing to tolerate uncertainty and another person's ideas in a role play situation than he is with me, where he throws a huge tantrum if I don't act out exactly the idea he has in his head. It drives me insane.
I would second what UnSerpent said, are there any other social opportunities for you to explore? HE groups? Does your daughter have even one friend that you could arrange a regular playdate with to release the pressure on you a little bit? One thing that works with us most of the time is that my son knows that his dad is great at acting out little games with him and he tends to get his fix of this in the morning before DH goes to work and is more happy to be independent around me for most of the morning. Also, get out of the house more? For me these torturous play activities seem to be more forthcoming when we are at home together for long stretches of time.

lilyfire · 02/02/2011 22:16

Not sure if this is at all helpful, but I'm reading Playful Parenting at the moment and found it helpful because it's made me think more about the purpose of particular games and role play and then it does make actually doing it a bit more interesting.
Not suggesting its a reason to have a baby, but there are nearly 7 years between my sister and me and we still played a lot together throughout our childhoods.
Do second the advice about HE groups etc.

Rubimou · 02/02/2011 22:21

I also read Playful Parenting. I think it's a great book and def worth a read. There's a section in there about how important it is for you to play with your children the games they love even when you loathe them. If you do it with a different insight it can be a whole lot more enjoyable and purposeful. Still hard work though!

UnSerpentQuiCourt · 02/02/2011 22:57

Have just looked up Playful Parenting ... but is it the one by Cohen or by Weston and Weston?
I do find I am also losing the will when dd advances purposely with a couple of fluffy kittens and a plastic rabbit and says, 'Play with me.' DH seems to love it though, although he'd never admit it if he didn't.

coldtits · 02/02/2011 22:58

You need to find other children. Seriously.

coldtits · 02/02/2011 22:59

What is your daughter's play maturity level? could you swipe someone's four year old after nursery one day?

wordsmithsforever · 03/02/2011 06:17

What about trying Brownies or trying to set up a regular playdate with some other home ed families. There's no doubt another HE mum around feeling the way you do!

FattyArbuckel · 03/02/2011 06:24

Another vote for Playful Parenting. By Cohen, the best parenting book I have ever read!

Saracen · 03/02/2011 07:03

I had a child like that. It was really hard! Finding other children was the key to preserving my sanity. It required considerable investment of time and energy for a few years but has paid off in spades. Here are some of my techniques, and others that friends have used:

Hang around local children's play areas, especially at school/nursery chucking-out times.

Hire an older child to be a "trainee babysitter" by coming round to your house to play with your child after school while you get on with other things around the house. I paid them all a bit, but they said they would have done it for free. Many of them enjoy being looked up to and having a responsibility, and may value the chance to get some experience against the day when they will want to work as babysitters. If the age gap is big enough then in a few years you might feel comfortable having them take your child off to the park without you.

Tell all your friends that you are happy to look after their kids occasionally after school as a favour. Whatever the age of their children, having them round may interest your daughter. As a bonus, you get the parents' gratitude and they may return the favour by having your dd round sometime.

Tell everybody at the home ed groups that you are looking for friends for your daughter. Don't be too restrictive about age and gender. If you are willing and able to travel, say so. Other parents may be in the same boat but perhaps feeling too shy to say so or the subject hasn't come up, or they think you live too far away. Or they may be willing to put you in touch with acquaintances who've said their kids need more friends. At HE groups, be extra welcoming to anyone new to HE. (Not that you wouldn't be anyway!) People who are just starting HE or considering doing it are often quite worried that their kids may have no friends and will be eager to pursue any opportunities.

Go to some HE groups, museum visits etc even if they aren't quite your cup of tea, just to meet new people.

After-school childminder. I was working part-time from home and there was no way my dd was going to let me have any peace, so I sent her to childminders while I worked. She got her "fix" of other children and also enjoyed the childminders' attention.

I've forgotten what Lucy's school experience was like: would she be happy away from you in a large group without the academic emphasis? There are "after-school clubs", childcare usually based at school. Most of those attending do go to the school but the clubs are generally run quite independently and will accept any child. You could send her to one of those for a couple of hours once or twice a week.

One of my HE friends used to volunteer to man a local toy library. Her kids played with everyone who came along (and with all the toys, of course!) People usually visited for half an hour or so. It was mainly people with toddlers; does your dd like toddlers?

Finding friends for my daughter has been a life-saver. Not only did it get us through those difficult few years of repetitive role-playing, but it really paid off in future years. From the ages of seven to ten my highly sociable daughter spent a very large proportion of her time with her friends, not bothering me developing her independent socialisation skills. Now she is old enough to go places on her own it's even easier: she walks, cycles or takes the bus to friends' houses whenever the spirit moves her, or they meet up in the park. Some of their role play has been tremendously interesting to watch. They could act out a scenario for an entire day, sometimes picking up where they left off a week later. They launched into role play with just a few words, often adjusting storylines if they found themselves down a dead end. ("No, let's say I was really your sister that you hadn't seen for years because I'd been kidnapped...") As my dd became older the role-play transformed into creating plays and films.

autodidact · 03/02/2011 07:28

Are you home educating for the long term or just while you look for a suitable school, mil? I think Lucy sounds like a child who would thrive at a nice, supportive school and it would give you a break too. If you're committed to home ed then finding some other children sounds like a good plan, though.

nickschick · 03/02/2011 07:50

I HE and luckily have never had this with ds3 who has always been HE I think it just depends on the 'child' he plays happily for ages with his lego filming himself doing the voices etc,he also has a wide circle of friends all over the world (joy of internet and xbox live )- can you befriend a childminder? meet up with her at parks or soft play - I always think having 'something' to do each day helps aside from the actual learning even if you only go to tesco for bananas go a special way,walk somewhere that there will be people to chat to and perhaps to play with - could you direct her with some craftwork together or some colouring in or snap ??.

I think as well including her in your chores will help folding laundry pairing socks making beds etc etc all will be activitoes she learns from- maybe you could write stories (we have been doing this in our heads for years we have monty the dog and we tell the stories walking to town or whilst out) - some of my ds3s best things havent been planned they have come about purely from being bored stuck indoors - he 'found' a soldier belonging to the Manchester regiment in our local cemetery we emailed them and they didnt know his memorial existed they came and photographed it and he got lots of thankyou emails as well as the history of 'his' soldier- they now call it soldier cos he 'found' him.

Sonriente · 03/02/2011 11:00

Have you considered becoming a childminder?
Regular extra child contact and you'd be getting paid for it.

mummyloveslucy · 03/02/2011 19:04

Thanks everyone. Smile We do meet up with HE groups, we belong to two now. One of them meet once a week and I've only been to the other one once. I don't drive so unless it's local or my DH is off work I can't get to all the places. I do need to learn to drive!

Lucy has made a couple of friends who are sisters, I've envited them around to play and the mum has given me a list of dates she'd be free but they are pretty fue and far between.

She does go to a computor club at the library and stagecoach every week too.
the only time she'll be entertained without me is when she's watching a DVD. I feel a bit guilty about putting them on for her but it gives me chance to clean the house or just have a bit of a break.

There is a little girl who lives down the road. She goes to the school Lucy was at. She is a bit of a madam and I can't warm to her at all, but Lucy seems to like her. I could have her around more often and then just let them play while I stay down stairs.

I didn't realise some school clubs allow children who aren't at the school. That would be good.

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