Hubby problems

[doggytreats]

Hi

I posted last week regarding my DS3 and DS4. DS 3 is very stressed (literally pulling his hair out) and DS4 is very behind (school have labelled him as lazy).

I have tried to speak to my husband about my desire to HE them but he isn't having any of it - he's very traditional. I am particularly annoyed about this as he always leaves the boys school issues to me (along with the family finances, holidays planning, food etc!) but has suddenly decided to take control of the situation. I have tried to get him more involved with the boys and their school issues before but he's always treated it like it's my area until now when it's suddenly apparently not.

I have discussed the situation with other people - my parents, sister, friends and they all agree with my preferred choice as they feel the school is not doing the boys justice and can see how stressed it is making DS3.

Can anyone recommend any good sites/blogs etc that might help me convince him that this is right for us? He is convinced that we should just write to the school and that this will solve everything but I really don't see how we can convince the school to change it's opinions of the boys.

This is really getting me down now and I feel totally disregarded by my husband - I feel like I am trusted to cook their meals and wash their clothes but not to actually make any big decisions. I know they are both of our children but it's frustrating that he is picking and choosing when to get involved!

THis might be completely inappropriate in your family dynamic, but perhaps, said very gently

"I have been trying to get the school to help our boys for X months. Nothing has happened.

I have spent N months researching home education. I have read these books (How Children Learn at Home by Thomas and Pattison; Free Range Education ed by Michelle Lafette.

In our area, there are Y home education groups for us to join. If we joined in with everything, and kept doing our regular weekly swimming/judo/scouts/whatever, this is how our weekly social timetable would look.

I have met Z families with home educated children of a similar age to our boys. We are ready to try out playdates while the mums exchange good ideas.

At this point, I am completely convinced that home education is going to be healthier for both boys in the short term. I propose to take them out of school as of next week, until the summer holidays. At that time, we can revisit the decision as a family.

I am not willing that you should veto this step having done no research into it. If you want to say "no, I don't think this is the right route", then you need to have read some books, done some research on the internet, talked to some home educating families, and taken responsibility for negotiating with the school to try to make the boys' experience sufficiently positive to be worth persevering with. I am willing to give you three weeks in order to make that research, but in that time, it will be necessary for me to see the GP and have DS3 signed off school with stress. I am no longer prepared to put him in a situation where he is self harming"

Or even write it in a letter if that's a mode of communication that works for you guys.

there's a thread here of links I think - I'll look for it

Thanks x

I have been trying to get him to read up on it but it's like pulling teeth! I know I could withdraw them tomorrow but would rather have him on our side if I can.

I think I would really try to turn the conversation around.

You might want to show him this post, by a random stranger on the internet looking at the situation:

The status quo is awful. You have one child self-harming and another labeled by the school as "lazy". Neither child is happy.

The Mum has found a possible solution, by doing a lot of research. This is an alternative that massively increasing numbers of families are choosing - it used to be very lentil-weavery or fundamentalist Christian; it gets more mainstream every month. There will be ordinary people just like you who are home educating in your area.

The Dad has done no research, but wants the unsatisfactory status quo should be maintained. What is his reasoning for that? Fear of being different? Fear of failing the children?

Please remember that unhappy people really don't learn very well. When your body is in flight or fight mode, you don't retain information. It's highly unlikely that they'll learn less when guided by people who love and value them than in school where self-harm has not been adequately addressed, and where one child has been labeled as 'lazy' (you don't get to overcome that sort of label without changing schools).

I have considered changing schools but living in a rural area this is hard. The next nearest school are C of E and as a confirmed Aetheist this is not an option.

I think I will bite the bullet and tell hubby that this is what I want to do and that we will give it until the summer hols as suggested.

:) I'm sorry if I sound a bit aggressive about it all. I am reminding myself of the harpies forceful ladies on the Relationship threads who, when someone says her husband accidentally took the boiling water from the kettle for a cuppa that she had planned to use in her hot water bottle, cry "LEAVE HIM! LEAVE HIM!" :o

I am sure you and your husband can work your way through this for the best outcome for your children, and you really don't have to turn aggressive over it!

You have my sympathy. It's very scary. My partner just thought home ed was weird and we shouldn't do it, but refused to read books or do any research, so it was hard to have a reasoned argument. In the end he said he wouldn't stand in my way, but it was my responsibility and I did find that quite lonely and frightening to start with. Two and a bit years on though, he's taken them to their home ed groups, we socialise with home ed families and he can see how well the boys are doing and it's not really an issue at the moment (although he prob still thinks it's a bit weird). It did help that I said, we'll review it after a year, I think. If you can bear to, I think you're right, just tell him you're going to do it for the rest of the academic year, you will take the responsibility and hopefully by the time the summer comes he'll appreciate that everything at home is calmer and happier and he'll have accepted it.

just to say - why not visit the other local schools (as an option). I am also a confirmed atheist - as are the rest of the family - but my boys were fine at a local C of E school (in terms of religion).

We did opt for HE earlier this year - but more from a fundamental dislike of the constraints of the national curriculum than anything else.

I think it is worth trying to get DH to agree to HE as an option for the rest of this year - with a view to potentially moving schools in September (if he isn't converted to the merits of HE by then). That way you get to try out HE, show willing about trying to work in the school system, and give your boys a break to recover. It seems like the existing school is just not right for them at present.

For some reason, my DH though He had to be automonous, once I told him it could be structured and gave him the well trained mind to read, he was fine- would that work?