Please come and talk me through a wobble!

[lucyintheskywithdinos]

I have posted here infrequently before under a previous name, I don't usually have time to do more than read!

Anyway, we HE DD1 (have an 18mth old DD2 as well) who would have started school in Spetember and I'm now wobbling all over the place. We're autonomous and from an education point of view I'm happy, but I'm terrified of becoming isolated socially.

Background - I struggle with depression if I don't have enough adult company, at the moment have a great group of friends at a playgroup. However, all of their children of DD1's age have gone to school now and DD1 will be 5 before long and we won't be able to carry on going. Our only local HE group is only fortnightly which is nowhere near enough for DD1 or me. I don't have a car so can't travel to others.

I don't really have a particular point, I just really don't know how to cope with the impending isolation!

I do try to organise stuff inbetween HE groups, especially with one little girl and her Mum who DD1 gets on with really well...but everyone always seems to either be really busy, or just not interested...

DO you have a park, library or swimming pool close to you, these are lovely places to go with you DD2 and often other parents are there too, if you follow them with a coffee and bun its a nice way to break up the day.

I'm not sure if that helps or if I've missed your point

do any other local activities that are available - sunday school if that's your bag, baby, or whatever those tiny brownies are called (not beavers, that's cubs), or story sessions at the local library etc etc etc

Don't assume your child has to be friends only with people her age. Any toddlers your little one's age with a 3 year old sibling? What about older children who might want to come and play after school (the 5 year olds are prob too exhausted for playdates)

go and visit an old folks' home once a week. They'd LOVE it and you'd prob enjoy too :-)

Can you keep contact with playgroup/school friends after school - invite them round after school time (say 3.30 or 4ish) - that way you keep social contact and so does she.

Presumably also your younger DD might be going to play group before long so you will have a chance to meet people that way too.

Can you start arranging to meet up with some of the families who go to your local HE group? That's what I've always done - invited them to ours on other days etc. and then got invites from them; arranged to meet at soft play/museum/park.

I would worry mainly that you will be feeling more isolated and if it is already contributing to your depression, perhaps you need to look for somewhere you can go to be with other adults. It need not all be about dd's socialising, yours is going to be important too.

What are the advantages to you and yr DD of home-schooling? Sounds isolating and arid for all of you.

arid? arid????

[headdesk]

arid? Never heard it described like that before!

And not sure how you'd get more friends by going to school - sounds like school gates are a horrible nightmare if you read any of the threads on MN. I struggle to see any advantages to parents and children of sending children to school, myself.

arid? Haha! I could give you 100 words to describe home education but that wouldn't be one of them!

Anyhow, could you get home educators to come to you? Not as silly as it sounds. Most home ed groups are a) short of venues and b) short of people willing to organise stuff. if you tell your group you would like to organise some stuff near you, my bet is you'll get some takers. The key is to open it very publicly to everyone rather than trying to ask one or two people.

It doesn't have to be time consuming or expensive. How about an art and craft morning (just get out the crayons, fabric, glue, etc)or a walk near your house, or trip to the park, or making jam tarts afternoon.

You can limit numbers so you don't end up with hordes (8 children, first some first served) and limit age (suitable for 8s and under).

If you are on facebook, you could always set up your own home ed facebook group and invite everyone from your group to join. Let them invite others they know. Then you (or anyone else) can post up events. Yes, some people will be busy on any given day, but not everyone will.

Also, don't understimate the power of organised activities in making friends. DD2's best friends are at her dance school. My girls both ice skate and I've made so many friends there - all people I never knew 2 years ago. I love going up there and chatting to everyone - we sit and have coffee and relax - it feels just like toddler group did all those years ago but better!

Keep persevering and you will get there. It does sometimes take a bit of time.

Let's face it, HE groups, activity groups and peer groups at school all have some similarities that make them pretty handy for adult socialising as well as making links between kids. We make choices about our children's education and then have to make the best of whatever the adult social opportunities that go along with that choice are. How well it works out is partly down to luck! School certainly isn't necessarily easier just because there are more people.

Just a thought - when you go to playgroups, have you and your friends there tended to fall into the trap of only talking about your own and each other's children and what they're up to? That may be why there's not much interest in meeting up outside of that environment. It sounds obvious but the adult friendships that people want to pursue beyond the environments where they've been initially thrown together by parenthood and chance (school, HE group, whatever) are ones where people just generally find each other interesting, not just as fellow parents. Apply that principle to any group, HE, cubs, ballet, whatever and if you work hard at being sunny and friendly I'm sure you will end up making connections.

Swanbreak - what a sensible, clear post!

One does need to be proactive in making friendships. Often everyone is too 'polite' to leap in and invite someone else over to their house after hte group ends. Maybe they fear rejection. Maybe they assume everyone else is already best friends with eachother. Probably everyone else is in the same boat entirely!

You need to just go for it - invite people over, or to softplay/park, or set up a monthly or fortnightly HE meet yourself. Be aware that some people may not be able to make it, but learn not to take it personally, and talk about lots of things, not just your children!