As a HE parent, have you lost friends because of HE?

[becaroo]

I am asking as it seems to be happening to me

Feel a bit silly to be sad about it tbh but I am sad and its getting me down.

Have been Heing ds1 since January and we are loving it

There was a chance ds1 would decide to go to juniors in sept but he decided not to and we fully support his decicsion.

However, since I told people he wasnt actually going to juniors (in may/june) I have been queitly "dropped" by people I thought were friends and whose children now attend the junior school ds1 would have gone to.

In one case, I texted the mother of ds1's best school friend 3 times over the summer hols to get together and got no answer. I took the hint and gave up. I know she wasnt on holiday/ill etc. She just ignored me. She is a TA at the Junior school and maybe that has something to do with it? I dont mind her not wanting to see me (although its a shame for the boys who were close) but to just ignore me is ignorant and rude.

Another couple who I thought we got on really well with have basically also ignored me for some weeks - UNTIL TODAY - when they need a favour!!!

Not sure what to do - or indeed if there is anything I can do!

Have been meeting up with other HE parents lately (partly because of this) and have met some lovely people which is great but I am still sad about the situation and a bit worried i have said/done something that has upset them? I dont think I have.

sigh....anyone else had this problem??

thanks x

I lost someone I considered a really good friend (family holidays together, that kind of thing) when we started HEing - she's not made any contact with me in 5 years .

Also had another mum turn her back on me when I said hi - only reason we could think of was because we'd pulled DD out of the saem class her DS was in.

Mostly though people were OK - in our case it probably helped that we didn't live in the saem town as the school we'd taken DD out of, plus we had other DC still in school - I was considered a bit weird, btu not totally so .

Quite a common reaction I believe - people think you're making a judgement on their parenting skills and decisions ("that school might be all right for your DC, but not for mine").

You haven't lost friends because you chose to HE, you lost them because they're shit and choosing to HE has shown them up for what they are. You don't want friends who ditch you because you choose something different to them.

Un-MNy hugs coming your way, though - feels crap to be dropped by people you previously thought of as good friends.

Personally, I've made more, closer, genuine friends through HEing than I ever have. Stick with it and you may find the same x

I don't HE but when I chose not to send my DC to the local secondary school I found that some of my 'friends' stopped being so friendly. The funny thing was that the people I thought would be funny about it all said good for us for doing what we thought was best for our DC.

Well, my situation is a bit different to yours becaroo, because I HE'd from the start. No, I haven't lost any friends because we home educate - but we have lost friends because they send their children to school!!

I'm very sympathetic to their predicament. Their days are full, full, full. They don't have time to squeeze in much play or chatting. What little time they have might be best invested in friendships with people they are going to see all the time, such as immediate neighbours and those who go to the same school.

I rang the family of one of dd's schooled friends repeatedly over the summer, leaving messages on their machine and with their teenaged son, and had no response. I don't take it personally though. I know what the parents are like, and I know they are not being nasty, they are just rather scatty (no doubt they meant to return my calls but didn't get round to it) and very very very busy. I've given up chasing them now, but I'm not hurt.

Are you sure you aren't perhaps feeling a bit sensitive about HE at the moment and jumping to conclusions about why people aren't making more of an effort to maintain their friendships with you? I would bet that in many cases they just don't have the time and energy to keep in contact with someone they no longer see frequently.

I have to admit that I have been on the other side of it too. Sometimes I don't make much effort with friends who do school because I know I am not going to see them much anyway. However lovely they may be, they don't meet my needs so completely as HE families do. I need friends who are actually around and able to go to the cinema on Wednesday morning, come to a sleepover Sunday night, play chess until 10:30 Monday evening. People I see regularly (HE families) get more of my attention. They are part of my natural social circle because we have other (HE) friends in common, so I don't always have to make an effort to keep in touch.

I'm not saying you aren't being dropped, only that it may be more of a natural development rather than a spiteful reaction against your choice of home education.

Maybe the reason I am thinking along these lines is that I took dd and three of her friends to a lecture by this chap last night: www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2010/mar/14/my-bright-idea-robin-dunbar

Along with all his other ideas, Dunbar mentioned the following facts:

1. Each of us can only accommodate a fairly fixed number of friends/relatives at each level of intimacy. For example, acquire a boyfriend and you usually push one or two close friends out. People who feel close to their extended family, and have a large extended family, have fewer close friends than other people do.

1. As soon as you stop seeing your friends so often as you used to, the closeness between you drops off quickly. (Interestingly, this is not the case with relatives.) Compared to men, women are better able to use frequent long phone calls and emails to slow this process of drifting apart, but even women struggle to maintain friendships if they don't see friends in the flesh often enough.

One thing I found cheering was the idea that when my kids grow up and move out, they will still love me just as much as before - in fact, slightly more, according to Dunbar!

I lost a few friends when ds was born because I had less in common with the childless ones than I had before, they lost interest and we lost contact.

I lost a few friends when I was diagnosed with ME, because I hadn't the energy to keep up with healthy friends.

I lost a few friends when ds was diagnosed with autism because they couldn't handle his being different and needing more time and attention than their NT kids, and I was rarely available because of ds-related stuff.

I lost a few friends when I moved ds from one primary to another without telling them of our plans. Ds didn't want people to know and I went with that, but some friends took it personally.

I lost a few friends when we started HE because it was too different for a lot of school-based friends to get their heads around. Nobody every disagreed or disapproved of our decision, they just fell by the wayside.

At each change I made all the effort I could to keep relationships going, but ultimately there are only 24 hours in the day, they are busy and I'm busy and there's only so much of us to go around.

But also at each stage I made lots of other friends within the new situations I was in, so on the whole I don't think I've lost anything at all. Real friends from all of those periods have stuck around and we've helped each other out when we've needed to. They have become the real friendships that I value.

I don't think this is about HE on its own, it's just that people move on, have different connections and sometimes relationships just fizzle when there's not much in common any more. Life moves on .

Sorry you're finding it hard becaroo, but try not to take it personally because it probably isn't.

I agree sometimes people feel threatened on some level, either because they would like to abandon the school system but don't feel they can (financially, socially, in terms of being seen as 'normal') or they think it's a judgment by you of education by the state so feel you think they are lesser for using it - or they have only ever known 'nutters' who HE, and it will damage your child (apparently)

I had friends have a right go at me about it, my sister rang and ranted at me for ages before deciding not to speak to me for over a year - even once he'd gone back to school!

and my mother said she thought it constituted neglect and that she thought social services should be involved.

I crumbled under all this and sent him back...Good luck OP!

I wouldn't worry-I'm sure it is just because you are not around in the same way. The same thing would happen if you had sent him to a different school. People are lazy-out of sight out of mind-sad but not personal.

I agree with streaks - I have made loads of friendships over time that have just 'fizzled out', not because of falling out because most friendships seem to be around what you are doing on a day to day basis - school/work/ante-natal group/pre-school/ etc etc.

I see it from the other side, three families I was friendly with now home educate but don't seem to contact us anymore or want to be involved in things we are doing - I try not to take it personally, I know they are busy with their life and we are busy with our things. When we do bump into each other everyone is friendly enough but there doesn't seem to be any visiting to each other's homes anymore - which is sad but just one of those things.

hmmm...perhaps it is me being overly sensitive?

samay Hi again! Sorry you are having a bad weekend We have had some very choice comments from family too!

I am very happy with our decision to HE so I dont think its that I'm having a wobble - I just can't really understand why me Heing would precipitate such a reaction.

I really hope I do not come across as disapproving of school - school is great for some kids but not for others.

saracen you make some valid points.

I think I need to adjust my expectations a bit.....I find it sad that ds1 will no longer see friends he was close to but hopefully through the HE groups he goes to he will find new friends.

Thanks all x

I really think that you are reading far much into it. Friendships come and go- and a lot are based on convenience. Most people are lazy and if they don't see you on the school run they don't make the effort.

what saracen and pisces said- I HE and I find we've fallen out of the loop a bit with some schoolfriends. You have to remember that there's a lot to be crammed into the holidays when your kids are at school...

you may find- as I have- that you have three sorts of friends- a few you keep in touch with because you and/or the dcs have a Proper Friendship; some you just shed- unintentionally and without malice and because you and the mum/the dcs don't have that daily contact- these friendships can always be kick-started when both parties remember/can be arsed. The third group is the ones who conveniently remember you exist in the school holidays when they want to go to work and need a bit of free childcare

SHJ Yes, I am sitting for some friends on tuesday for an hour whilst they go to parents evening - they havent spoken to me in weeks til they asked for this favour!!!!

Perhaps PM is right and I am reading too much into it, as another poster said, we couldnt have been that good friends could we????

I have a friend who I have known for 9 years, we live at different ends of the UK but we continue to make an effort because our friendship means a lot to us.

I am not contacting these people again - I have tried - but if they get back in touch I will be pleased to see them and pleased for ds1.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone

samay Teachers like that are why I thank God my ds1 isnt in that environment anymore

SpringheeledJack has the other explanation-a lot of friends made through DCs are based on convenience e.g. I am running late-can you pick up Lily and bring her home? People want a support network and you have just got out of the loop.

PM Yes, I see that.

When we first decided to HE I invited his BF from school to tea a couple of times and he came and a good time was had by all. His mum kept saying "oh, must get ds1 to come for tea" but it never happened. Thats 8/9 months ago!!

I also see other parents at Beavers and karate so its not like I am completely out of the loop but am still being dropped for some reason.

Meh.

Ds1 and I have been to a "forest school skills" morning at a local nature reserve with a HE group and he loved it and we are meeting up with some other HE friends next week.

Luckily, ds1 doesnt appear bothered at all so just time for me to get over it I guess!

I have lost one. She is a primary school teacher herself.

Our neighbors who we used to get together with regularly for the children to play basically pretend we don't exist since we started homeschooling last year when DC1 would have started reception. They actually described us to someone else (they didn't realize she was my husband's sister) as "the ones whose kids don't go to school". That is our identity to them now, apparently. Doesn't bother me a bit because quite frankly, anyone that shallow isn't worthwhile being friends with. Don't let it get you down!

I agree. I doubt very much it's personal.

You're not around at school any more so you've fallen of the radar. That's life.