Help me find a way to survive! (x-post with larger families!)

[NotAnotherBrick]

I home educate my four girls aged between 2 and 7. At the moment, some of their behaviour is really, really getting me down. I am getting very overwhelmed by constant moaning at me about one thing or another - not each one of them moaning all the time, but every one moaning a little bit adds up to an awful lot of moaning!

They're not bad children - they're great, in fact, but there are so many of them! I am fed up of breaking up bickering; and of not being listened to when I ask them to stop doing something they shouldn't do; and not being helped with things when I ask for it.

It is getting me down so, so much and I'm not sure what the answer is. I hate saying 'if you keep doing that we will go home' when someone is being annoying at some group or something, because I think the others will get punished to, but today I did; and I followed through with my thread; and I feel awful. WIBU? Or should I be doing more of this and just keep making sure the children who have been good understand why and that I'm really sorry that they are getting their fun spoiled?

FWIW, the one causing a problem was very contrite afterwards...

AIBU to say to them that if they continue not taking me seriously and not working as a co-operative team then I will have to send them to school? I don't want our relationship to become one where they do bugger all and I spend my life yelling at them!

I don't actually think school would be the answer - I'm sure their behaviour wouldn't improve (I'm making them out to be monsters - they're not, but, like I say, four children all misbehaving a little bit is a lot of work for one woman!) - but I would get a loooonnnggg break from it every day and might feel a bit more amenable to dealing with them when they are around.

I wouldn't ever say to my grandson that I would send him to school if he misbehaved. Do you think that your children want to go to school and that's why they're playing you up?
Perhaps you just need a break so you can step back and get some breathing space.

I really understand how you feel, I have 4 children 11-5 and I am struggling at the moment. I have been getting loads of grief and moaning about any formal work that we do . They argue and disrupt each other.Mine are also good kids. I am worried that this will lead to us failing HE and we are contemplating flexi schooling. W e took our children out due to illnesses and flexi school might be the option for us. They just don't listen to me like they did to their teachers. AAAAAGGGHHHH! I really feel for you.xx

Hi
Sorry you are having a down day!
Um, not really sure what the answer is to your problem, I guess you need to look at what you want to get from home educating and what you want your girls to get from it.
Are there triggers to their behaviour, are they being asked to do things that dont interest them, or being pulled away from things that they are really absorbed in to do something more formal? do they appear bored, are they needing to go out and have a good run round in the park and let off some energy?
Do you have structure to you day? are you autonomous?
I guess we all need to know a little more about how home ed currently works for you, so we can suggest things!
Hope you get a good nights sleep and feel better in the morning!

"I am fed up of breaking up bickering;"

One of the really wise women in my life, a woman with grown up children, said to me recently that she really regretted having spent so much of her children's childhoods trying to police their interactions. She said that in the end, the children found their own pecking order, their own hierarchy, and she thinks that her constantly breaking up arguments actually made that process a lot longer for her children.

Protect people from violence when necessary. But think logically: four children, that's just too many inter-relationships (six pairings, three combinations of two against two, three trios and one set of four). There's no way you can control all of that. Let them be unless people are actually getting hurt.

"and of not being listened to when I ask them to stop doing something they shouldn't do;"

structural discipline. Make it so you very very rarely need to stop anyone doing anything at home. And if that means certain objects are kept behind lock and key if you are not available to supervise, then that's much better (imo) than having to actively stop activities.

"and not being helped with things when I ask for it."

Your children have no duty to help. Not really. There's an ancient post on my blog, or even a string of posts, about chores. Wait a sec...

here

'if you keep doing that we will go home'

Ask for help with the other children and concentrate on the one?

Can you get out of the "good" "bad" behaviour mindset?

"AIBU to say to them that if they continue not taking me seriously and not working as a co-operative team then I will have to send them to school?"

Yes. :)

"I don't want our relationship to become one where they do bugger all and I spend my life yelling at them!"

Don't yell. Just live in squalor a bit more. :)

Ask for help. Ask your mum, your friends, your OH. Get help. You know that on a good day you can dance the dance with all four of them. Can you watch the inner "Oh I am a victim, I am overwhelmed" monologue for a bit? And forgive yourself for it? xx

Thank you all.

Ommmward - you are a wonderful woman x

I bet you're getting a different sort of response in the larger families thread :o

Cried a lot last night. Wish I could stop mucking up so dramatically!

Re-reading Winning Parent, Winning Child and the Joyfullyrejoycing website.

I also cried last night. At least we care about our kids educations/future! I wish I could be more help but I am in the same boat as you. Its so hard to know what to do. Your girls are quite young though, maybe time will tell- it should get easier. I am seriously considering school, my childrens school isnt bad I took them out because of illness. My oldest has cystic fibrosis and two of them have type 1 diabetes.I am sending you a huge hug.xx

Thanks Donna. I am convinced that HE is better than school for my children...but I don't want to have so much shouting going on!

I think things will improve - I have crises...and then I work out what has caused the crisis, and then I deal with it...and then it gets fixed.

I am not sure what is best for mine, I think we have been in the school system so long its hard to do anything else. I am considering mine going back to school on a flexi basis and the school are up for this. At least then if it doesnt work out it will be HE and thats the end of it. At least I can say I tried school again.If they tehn don't pull their weight(the school) then I will be off for good. xxx more hugs for u.x

Hi

Sorry things aren't as you want them to be at the moment.
I'm home educating 6 aged 9months - 7 years so I know where you're coming from.

We've only been home educating for a year and at first I have to admit I went straight ino the 'school at home' regime. I bought a curriculum online, got all my resources and got on with it. STRUCTURE< STRUCTURE< STRUCTURE.....It lasted 2 weeks.
I found it tiresome and (sorry to say) quite boring and if I felt that way how on earth were the children feeling (was my thought). Going back to school wasn't on the cards so I decided to take a year out and just go with the flow (of the children).

We played lots of games, talked with each other, discussed what we'd like to do the next day, the older ones would play on educational websites, I limited TV to educational programmes only, read books together etc....We just 'HAD FUN'!!!

Yes they still bicker...they're children. I'd just talk with them about what happened and we discuss the best way to resolve it. NOW I can get away with just saying sit down, talk it through and resolve it.....NOW! (lol)

I know this doesn't work for everybody but it worked for me. Hope this helps. Even if it's just a little.xx

Sorry you're going through a rough patch at the moment NotAnotherBrick...

Just wanted to add something regarding children arguing/bickering... (I have three boys, 5, 4 and 2.5 and a 36 week bump :) ) I noticed that when the children argued, particularly the older two, I was getting involved and trying to offer justice to whoever was the "victim", which usually appeared to be my 4 year old. My 5 year old really developed an attitude problem, and I think it is because whilst trying to be "just" about things I was actually missing the whole picture and often the older one was getting into trouble when the younger had done plenty to deserve whatever the older one had done. However, the older one ended up with the blame and he was getting fed up with it, quite understandably. I decided that I musn't get involved in a situation unless one is clearly at fault and I was present to see what had happened, and over time they've really improved their behaviour and the way they treat each other. Children really do need to learn how to get along without being constantly policed, and we regularly re-enforce the idea that it is most important as a family to love and respect each other, otherwise we can't expect to be loved or respected.

I was really struggling for a few months this summer particularly with the oldest one and his attitude, and my husband found it hard too and one time he threatened to send DS1 to school if he didn't cut out the attitude. I was a bit horrified that he would say that because we don't home-ed as a treat, we home-ed because it is best for them and I can't comprehend how their schooling situation should have anything to do with discipline. DS1 was horrified too at the threat because he loves being at home and has no desire to be sent to school (and incidentally I think his behaviour in general would be MUCH worse if he was in school). I really disagreed with the sentiment, whether it was unintended or not, that if we couldn't deal with DS we'd send him off to someone else in the hopes that they could. That goes against everything I believe about home-edding. In the end we discussed it and DH admitted that it was the wrong thing to say but he was so frustrated with DS's behaviour it was a kind of heat of the moment thing.

But the point I'm trying to make (sorry to be so long-winded) is that you need to look at why you home-ed, and decide whether or not behaviour/moaning, etc is a problem because you home-ed, or if it is a problem because you need to change things around a little. Even if your children were away from you for 6 hours of the day and this gave you a break, it wouldn't automatically fix behavioural/discipline issues between siblings. I agree that having a larger family does make life tougher, but there are always ways to change things up a bit and take a new approach. It could mean sitting down with your older girls and discussing the types of things they do or say that wear you down, and making an agreement about what consequences they can expect should they start up with that behaviour. Children need to be told that us Mums are not superhuman, we need to be loved and respected in order to be able to do our job well! :) Nuthin' wrong with a little guilt-tripping on occasion, in my opinion... Hope things settle down a bit for you. xxx