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Making friends with HE....

12 replies

Bodenbabe · 04/09/2010 08:11

How do your children get to make and keep friends if they are HE? Is it nearly always through HE groups or do any HE children manage to keep up friendships with children in school? Are there any other ways of them making lasting friendships?

OP posts:
stressedHEmum · 04/09/2010 09:54

MY kids have never even met any other HE kids and they have friends. They are good friends with some of the other children who live in our street and have been for years. They have good friends that they have made through BB and GB and friends that they have made through other friends, all of whom go to school.

You don't have to be at school to make friends, you just have to have regular contact with other people.

streakybacon · 04/09/2010 11:56

Ds only sees a couple of kids he used to be at school with, and that's only because their parents are part of our AS support group and I arrange for us to get together from time to time.

He has friends from the HE circuit and he sees other kids at things like swimming, karate etc.

He has very few friends but to be fair that's because of his autism rather than the limitations of HE, which is one of the reasons the support group parents make arrangements on their behalf, otherwise they probably wouldn't bother much by themselves.

School doesn't necessarily mean friends. In my ds's case it mostly meant more people to taunt him. He's got much more appropriate and enjoyable contact with other kids now he's not there.

ommmward · 04/09/2010 12:10

I think less than half the people my children see regularly are HE and the rest are either families who use school, or older people for whom school isn't relevant any more. It's just a question of what suits your children at a particular point in their lives.

People whose children go to school are frustrating in some ways, though, because there's only so much socialising one can cram into non-school hours, yk? :)

Saracen · 04/09/2010 14:29

Throughout her early childhood my daughter was at the extreme end of the "sociable" spectrum, though as a preteen she seems to be becoming more average now. If you add up the numbers, the vast majority of her friends are not home educated. She's made friends at all of the following: local park, drama group, dance, chess tournament, music holiday club, swimming pool, choir, gymnastics, management committee of a youth theatre, residential sports camp, and Tesco(!). There are also friends of friends, my friends' children, and neighbour children. There are dozens of children she is quite fond of and sees occasionally.

However, the vast majority of time that she actually spends with friends, she is with HE friends. Her three closest friends are HE.

It just comes down to the fact that school friends don't have a decent amount of time to play. School eats most of their day, and prevents them from staying up late on a school night. In theory they might be able to play for a couple of hours a day - but in my dd's eyes, a mere two-hour playdate hardly counts anyway. In practice, there are so many other demands on schoolchildren's after-school time that by the time you account for homework, doctor appointments, shoe shopping, clubs and sports, it is not that easy to find a place in their diary at all. I have spent so much time chasing the parents of one particular schooled friend without success that I'm now giving up. I know they aren't trying to give us the brush-off, they are genuinely busy, but I'm tired of it. I've told dd that if she can pin them down to a given time then I am happy to accommodate them, but I'm not ringing them any more.

Contrast that with the two close HE friends who live within a mile of us. Often we don't even plan it ahead: we ring up - "Do your children want to come swimming with us this morning? If they don't have other plans today, we could give them lunch and drop them back to you at 5pm." Or dd will ring and arrange to meet a friend at a local park, and then they'll go back to whichever house they like. About half the time we get a yes. It's so easy. HE parents who are juggling a few other offspring, getting the loft cleared out and the laundry done are often very grateful to have one or more children off their hands for the day and may be delighted when we want to "borrow" children.

On top of that, I am slightly more keen on her spending time with HE friends because the friendships are likely to be longer-lasting. We don't have to make a special effort to keep in touch, as we do with school friends once the children move on from their choir and no longer run into each other. We bump into HE friends regularly at home ed outings. It has been lovely to watch these children grow up together and it's comforting to think they will have each other for years to come. In some ways it is like a cousin relationship. They have their ups and downs but there is an expectation of permanence in their relationship.

Saracen · 04/09/2010 14:39

Oh, and here's a tip.

Some HE parents enrol their children in sports and afterschool activities, hoping they will make friends there. It's quite possible to do this. However, some activities lend themselves much better to this purpose than others do.

If this is on your agenda, then pay attention to how the children interact when you first go to check the activity out. Some leaders want the children to remain focused on their activity and refrain from chatting or messing about (i.e. socialising). Other leaders are far more laid back and informal and may build free time in. There may be natural opportunities to socialise before and after the class, or everyone may arrive just in the nick of time and then hot-foot it off home the minute class is over. It can be helpful if the parents hang around and chat with each other during the session, because parental enthusiasm is often key in arranging playdates.

There have been some activities in which my super-sociable child still did not even know the name of any other children after an entire term. The activity was just too structured to allow for making friends. You can't always predict it from the type of activity; it's more down to the organiser's individual style.

LackingInspiration · 04/09/2010 16:22

My children are very good, long term friends with a lot of other HEd children and no (I think!) school children. However, over the last couple of years, my children have been making very good friends with the children who live in our road, and there are quite a few, so that's lovely for mine Smile.

They have people they get on well with at Badgers and people they enjoy chatting to before and after their swimming lessons, but they only ever see them then, so I don't imagine any of them will turn into big friendships.

Kayteee · 04/09/2010 22:49

Think of all the friends you have made in your life so far. How many are from your school days?

Bodenbabe · 04/09/2010 23:08

Kaytee, this is what concerns me a little - my only friends are from my senior school days! DD doesn't have any friends in the street and she doesn't do any afterschool activites (though of course we could change that). I realise that there are HE groups around but there won't be so many children there and I was worrying that if she didn't get on with these - presumably limited - number of children then how else could she make friends? Saracen, that is a nicely-encouraging long list of places that your DD has made friends from!

StressedHEmum, what is BB and GB?

OP posts:
stressedHEmum · 05/09/2010 09:30

Boys Brigade and Girls Brigade. My 3 youngest have gone to these since they were old enough. They are brilliant organisations for making friends and building team work skills, particularly BB. My DS3 has done things that he would never have to opportunity to do otherwise (canoeing, quad biking, climbing Ben Nevis, mountain biking, archery, shooting, all sorts of sports, tent building, large scale cooking, community service projects.....) all in the company of boys of a similar age.

There are no HE groups near here and no other HE families within travelling distance, so my kids have to make friends where they find them, but they don't have a problem with it at all and my house is regularly full of other people's children.

I think Kaytee has a point, I only have one friend left from school and none from uni, although my life took a very different track from my then friends and I am VERY old. The friends that I have now are from the commumity that I live in and my church. The children are mostly the same.

Bodenbabe · 05/09/2010 11:02

"There are no HE groups near here and no other HE families within travelling distance, so my kids have to make friends where they find them, but they don't have a problem with it at all and my house is regularly full of other people's children."

That's really good to know! BB & GB are out for us but something like Brownies or Guides would be the same sort of thing. I hadn't even thoguht of that! Thanks, Stressed!

OP posts:
LackingInspiration · 05/09/2010 12:06

Bodenbabe - let me reassure you, from all the adults I know, you are in the minority having most of your friends from school. I only know a few people who are even still friends with school friends, let alone have them as their main group of friends still.

My children do Badgers, which is like Brownies etc. but for St John Ambulance.

Kayteee · 05/09/2010 16:38

I think that's quite rare Bodenbabe :)

What I was trying to say is that, ime, most adults have/make friends in many different places/situations etc; It's no different for HE kids, it can just take a bit longer, and a bit more effort to find them.

My boys do things like Tae Kwondo, Cubs and Army Cadets. When we can afford to (which isn't that often) take courses like tennis, climbing, drama etc;

They've gradually built up a good set of mates, some HE some not.

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