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Home ed

Find advice from other parents on our Homeschool forum. You may also find our round up of the best online learning resources useful.

How to you respond to people who pull a face when you tell them you are home educating?

16 replies

mum2yum · 22/08/2010 23:32

I am a mum to 2 boys (2.5yr old and 8 mth old) and after much 'see-sawing' have decided that home educating is the way I want to go. I know all the reasons for it and am aware of many of the misconceptions surrounding home educated kids but was just wondering how you respond to people who think you are crazy to home educate and that your child will become a weirdo and not be able to integrate into society! I know I shouldn't care what other people think but I just want to be able to respond to their reaction with something that will make them think 'hey, that may not be such a bad idea!'

Any ideas most welcomed!

OP posts:
SDeuchars · 23/08/2010 07:21

It's quite a good idea not to say you'll do it for ever. So saying that 4 is too young for school (especially for boys) and you've decided to EHE until 6-7, like most of Europe does, is often quite acceptable to people. Then when they get to 7, you'll have positive reasons for sticking with EHE and your boys will also be doing stuff that the face-pullers will not be able to deny.

OTOH if the people saying it (in 4 years) are those in a playground where your sons are playing with theirs, ignore them - they are stoooopid but they might get upset if you say "just look at them!"

Tarenath · 23/08/2010 07:25

It's not a subject that comes up much for us at the moment. My eldest is only 3.5 and we're keeping our decision quiet for now, mostly because I'm not sure how it will affect my job.
People keep asking me what/when he's going to nursery and the number of times I've said he's not going and they look at me like I'm crazy! When they ask me why, I just say that I don't feel it would be any benefit to him. It helps that I make it clear that I don't have anything against the school system, I just don't believe it will suit my incredibly energetic, very curious eldest child, or my super independent youngest child.

I'm learning that a lot of negative reaction isn't necessarily because people think it's weird, but they think you're criticising their decision to use school so they respond with negative comments.

Bunbaker · 23/08/2010 07:41

"I'm learning that a lot of negative reaction isn't necessarily because people think it's weird, but they think you're criticising their decision to use school so they respond with negative comments"

That's an interesting point. I think it is because people usually relate it to their lifestyles and how their own children would be. For example my daughter is an only child and we don't have any family nearby. She is very sociable and would lead a very solitary and lonely life if she didn't go to school. Also I work part time and admit that I relish the "me time" I get when she is at school. A friend of mine tried to HE her children (and failed miserably - they are at school now) and struggled with doctors/dentists appointments, so she used to take her brood with her.

DD does a lot of after school activities that are provided by the school exclusively for the pupils. She also does swimming lessons (not conducive to making friends) and Brownies (all the Brownies stay in the cliques that they are in at school).

So I guess most people are thinking "It's not for me" and in my case it is true. I also don't want to as I don't have the skills or resources to do so.

Good luck with it though. I believe there are loads of resources available on the net

throckenholt · 23/08/2010 07:48

to be honest I would think with your kids that age then home ed isn't yet relevant. I wouldn't be talking to people about it in general at that stage.

Saracen · 23/08/2010 07:56

If concerns are about the children being socially well-adjusted, I used to mention the many children I had met through a local HE group and HE camps, how well they play together and how well-adjusted they are. I suppose one could also mention some well-adjusted famous people who have been home educated, and ask, are those are the kinds of social problems you are talking about? If they are still unconvinced, ask how many HE children they have personally met. If the answer is one or two, well, it's silly to generalise from one or two people - if you met one or two schoolchildren who had social problems you wouldn't just conclude their problems were the fault of school, would you?

So really, if you are able to tell the person that you yourself know a number of HE children who have good social skills, and if the person has herself only ever met one or two HE children or none at all, they'll have to accept that you're in a better position to know. You could invite them along to meet some HE children if they are curious.

Fortunately, people come out with this sort of thing less often as your children get older. Most realise that it would be incredibly rude to say that HE children have poor social skills when you have just told them that your older children are HE! Some do express surprise to see such confident HE children, and I say yes of course, they have many opportunities to mix with different people every day.

It's trickier to counter this worry if your children are not exhibiting "average" behaviour though, because you'll get told that school would "fix" your special child. Then I guess you have to point out that chucking children into an environment that they find overwhelming does not miraculously turn them into average children, it just makes them stressed and unhappy.

mummytime · 23/08/2010 08:03

As someone whose kids go to school; schooling/education is a very emotional issue. Just by saying you HE makes people respond emotionally, as if you are criticising their choices.

I hate to say it, I did the same to a friend recently, when a friend said she wasn't sending her second child to the same school as my DC and her eldest. And I do bite my tongue everytime people say they are sending their kids to one local Prep school (not if it was the last school on earth would my kids go there).

So I'd just put up with it, and try to ignore it, don't justify yourself just "it works for us, everyone is different". I know some lovely well balanced etc. HE kids, also families where some children have at secondary level decided it is easier for them to be at school. So just do what works for you. And forgive those of us having an off day.

IndigoBell · 23/08/2010 13:17

I used to think HE was positively weird. And now I fantasise every day about being able to HE my kids. ( Hence why I'm lurking here.)

So, it might be the first time people have been exposed to HE, and their first thoughts / reactions might not be the ones that stay with them....

milou2 · 23/08/2010 15:12

Some days I am happy to chat about Home Education and on other days it's so personal to me and our family situation that I don't want to discuss it with anyone less than 100% understanding, supportive and 'been there done that'!

mum2yum · 23/08/2010 23:03

Thanks for all your responses...a lot of food for thought!
I guess everyone and every family are different and so many factors are in play that you just go with what's best for you as a family.
I really think it is the way forward for me and the responses have helped to motivate me and helped me become more confident in my decision!

Btw- I'm not openly telling anyone I'm thinking of home educating (plus my boys are still v young!) but just wanted to start getting an idea of what kind of responses I'd get and how I could respond positively to them!

Thanks again!

OP posts:
LackingInspiration · 24/08/2010 20:16

Just treat it as a chance to tactfully educate them about HE as a real choice. People think it's weird because all they ever hear about wrt HE is homeschoolers in America who take their children out of school to indoctrinate them into their religion. I'm not saying all HSers in America are like that, but that is the message we get in the UK from news stories and documentaries etc.

And people don't like to think you think they're making a wrong decision by making one different to theirs. I used to just say, when asked, when is she starting nursery 'oh she's not I don't think' and if asked about school 'we're going to home educate for a few years' boldly. I've never had a negative response other than a kind of impressed 'oh, I could never do that' and I think it's easy to invite negativity by appearing defensive about your decision IYSWIM.

yggdrasil · 02/10/2010 13:25

I THINK this is something that fades as your kids get older.

Once they hit school age, and it is clear that you have made a decision, I think people generally get more polite. Because then the matter is clearly not up for discussion in the same way.

Some people are always rude, there is no doubt about that, but this stuff does get a lot better.

I also find it helps to recognise that to an extent they do have a point. There are kids who have been home educated who are alarmingly socially inept/unable to read at 18/etc. I think first off, whenever a HE'd kid in any way falls down by society's standards, that is ALWAYS going to be attributed to HE. BUT I do also think, there are disadvantages to HE and in some carefully judged situations it can sometimes be helpful to gracefully accept that it is not a cure for all ills and has its own minus points. I suppose I think we HErs can sometimes come across as smug and defensive. We walk a fine line though.

yggdrasil · 02/10/2010 13:28

oh yes and people with kids even slightly older than yours are always very patronising. I know I can be ;-). Seriously though, I knew when my older ones were the ages of yours that I intended to HE, and I haven't changed my mind now they are school age. I don't think people actually DO that often-most people i know who have been fairly sure from the beginning, and spent the preschool years reading up on it, tend to stick with the decision unless something extraordinary happens.

streakybacon · 03/10/2010 08:00

I haven't had any negative comments nor face pulling when people find out I HE. The only responses I've had that were less than positive were (I believe) from people who were a bit embarrassed that they didn't know what HE was about and didn't know how to engage in conversation about it. I've had a few bland, stereotype-based remarks but I just smile and reply "He's doing very well, I've no regrets" and move on to another topic.

I did have one parent from ds's old school say she had wondered how he managed to socialise 'now he was in the house all day' Hmm. Odd that she made that comment just as we were getting in the car to go to yet another HE lesson Grin.

I reckon for most people, HE is too far outside of their comfort zone to have any real comprehension of it.

becaroo · 15/10/2010 17:37

I just smile widely and tell them he is HE. End of conversation unless they ask more questions.....

betelguese · 16/10/2010 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

becaroo · 17/10/2010 10:57

Absolutely...I always say I HE with a big smile on my face because it makes me and my dc happy. I do not say any negatives as, for me, there arent any yet.

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