Rather puzled by friends comments and my reaction to them.....

[becaroo]

...I was at karate class with my ds1 (just turned 7) on saturday and got chatting to my friend who has twins in the same class (they are 9 months older than ds1 and the eldest has SEN) and she was asking how things were going.

I should point out here that she has been quite supportive of our decision to HE but since we told her that ds1 isnt going to Juniors in September (which was the original plan) she has seemed a bit less supportive.

Now, this could just be me being over sensitive - there is a lot going on at home the moment (major house renovations!) and I am very tired BUT she said something that really puzzled/annoyed/saddened me....

I was telling her about the HE day ds1 had been on the previous day to RAF cosford. He went with my dh so they could have a ds1/dh day

Anyway, she asked me if there was any time during the week when ds1 "spent time with people who dont love him?"

????????

"Well", I answered, "no, not really, he is always with me, my PIL, my parents or dh and is normally also with his brother" (aged 21 months)

Is that a bad thing? He has just turned 7 last month but is a young 7 IYSWIM? For example, this morning we have been playing that we live in the Andes in a hut that we share with our animals and he has been pretending to milk the cows, gather apples and churn butter. He has no interest in computers really or ben 10 or dr who or anything else that his peers seem to be into (nothing wrong with any of them btw, hes just not into them).

Is making our children spend time with people who "dont love them" a desirable thing at this young age? Am I harming my son in some way by being around all the time??

I am very bemused by her comments and a bit taken aback by my feelings about them.....I have ben home edding now for 7 months and I thought that I had heard all the negative comments there were but this one has really bothered me and I dont know why.

Her boys love school and are doing well. My ds1 hated school and wasnt doing well. I am already having wobbles over him not going to juniors in september - not because I want him to or he wants to - just because I know that people will make comments about him not being at school.

As I say, I could be feeling like this due to tiredness and I have had 2 really bad migraines in the past 2 weeks and am feeling a bit run down but her comment has really got under my skin and I dont know why.

Have any of you had similar comments made? I think I am also worrying because yesterday my youngest was a party and he was really being bullied/hit/and even bitten by the other boys and just stood there and cried. Does HE mean my boys will not be able to stand up to bullies?????

Sigh.....its hard being a mum isnt it????

Okay from a non HE point of view (I lurk because it is still something we may end up doing).

Parents are very emotional about their choice of school. That means they can react funnily to someone doing something different.

At present I am being very very careful about what I say as I have been training to be a teacher, and have been working in a school a lot of people around here will send their children to. The school is fine, it wouldn't be right for my children but it does fine for lots of children and is caring. I can only talk totally honestly with my partner and certain HE parents, because it doesn't affect them.

Just do what is best for your son, and if in the future that is school then don't worry what others say, that could be best. As parents we are very emotionally involved, and we can never know exactly how it will all work out, so it is risky, but we just have to do what is best in our circumstances.

What a strange comment.... I wonder why she thinks it is necessary? To an extent, I get the point, that children have to get used to people they don't know, have nothing in common with, etc. But at 7 I don't think that's anything like as important as being with people who do love them, because that's the relationships that give them confidence and security and self-esteem etc. My DS went to school at that age - the teachers certainly didn't "love" him in the way that family do, but they certainly knew him and cared about him and made him feel supported as well as challenged.

I suspect she just felt a little disappointed because she had assumed your DS would be joining hers at school and would be school-friends as well as outside school. Plus she'd have you at the school gate to chat to!

Before my DS started school he was always with me or my DDs who are in their twenties and think the sun shines out of him.

When he started school it was a shock to him how horrible some children could be. No one had ever been horrible to him before. He found it very hard to deal with and didn't mix with the other children, only speaking to adults.

I suppose there is an argument for this, as one day he will need to deal with people who do not have his best interests at heart. I have wondered this my self, I have condsidered HE. I would make sure that he does mix with other children in some way at clubs maybe.

Yes it is hard being a Mum whatever route you take there is always a negative somewhere, but I am sure there are far more positives.

It is hard. Have a hug: (((())))

It really is not important for your DS to be with people who do not love him! My DS was very unkeen on being away from me up to about 8 (DD went to groups and classes from under 3, so I did not expect it). He is fine now (15) - takes part in all sorts of groups and does not join in nonsense with the boys around here. He went to Guernsey in April with the classical guitar group and has been to other week or weekend events.

I like the analogy with the famine area - you would not starve someone in preparation, so why would you prevent a small child spending most time with those who love him? As he gets older and wants to do things without you, he'll make it known and will be much stronger from having such a good grounding when little.

If it was the 21m at the party, I think his response was quite reasonable...

What a funny thing to say....
I wouldn't concern myself over it though. Eventually all children make connections through things that happen in life. Even if it's only a trip to the park, the library or swimming etc you meet people that you don't know. As you say you were at a karate class, was that not one of the times that he was with people that don't love him?

Do you meet up with home edders? There's usally one near by & lots going on. You don't need school to form relationships outside the home.

I think that if you can give children a really good foundation, from spending lots of time with people who love them, and learning gradually how to deal with the shit that life throws at them (and however much people think HE kids never have a bad time, they are totally wrong!), then your children will be far better placed to deal with crap on their own when they're older.

My DD1 didn't start spending regular time with 'people who don't love her' until she was just over 6 (she's a mature child) and now she's incredible. Yesterday she went to her friend's house, someone she doesn't know that well, and she hardly knows his mum at all, and she's never been to his house before. She was nervous the night before, but went in the end, very excited, and had a fantastic time. She goes to badgers and street dancing all without me. She wants to do a french exchange but I do think she'll be too young for that for a few years yet. She's going to do swimming lessons without me soon.

DD2 has done all these things at the same time as DD1, so was a bit younger, but is a different child, and a second sibling so it's to be expected, really.

Just ignore your 'friend' - she's probably feeling a bit defensive. She maybe was supportive initially because she was telling herself 'well, she'll only do it until Juniors' and now she's got to adjust her expectations and feelings all over again.

Surely allowing a child to learn/practice social skills while having someone who loves them around is the best situation, and given that you were at a karate class it sounds as if that is exactly what is happening. A child will become more independant gradually in their own time, don't take any notice of her.
She probably didn't really think what she was saying (and probably doesn't realise it has upset you).

Thanks all.

I am sure she has no idea she upset me. She is a nice person.

I feel that my ds1 would benefit from doing things without me but not yet. He is just not ready. My mum is always going on about how confident my nephews are but they are very different children and we both sent to a private day nursery from 1 year so in a way have had to be more outgoing to get attention IYSWIM?

Ds1 goes to karate class, swimming class and beavers (albeit I am now a helper at beavers - long story but if someone didnt offer they were goig to have to close the colony down) and he now wants to have horse riding lessons!! He certainly has a busy social life!

I guess she touched a nerve I didnt realise was there.

Thanks again.

Well there you go then, in answer to her question he is with lots of teachers that don't love him (not that it matters a jot)& he is already branching out & as he gets older he will naturally get involved with lots of things & people. Don't dwell on it, things will be ok.

If the criticism is that your DS is spending all his time with people who love him - then that's not so bad. He is 7.

paisley That is my feeling too.

I was genuinely shocked when she said it. why is it bad for him to be with people he loves all the time? I dont understand. Is she saying that he will not be able to function socially later in life? Does she think he will never trust people who arent family members? I wish I knew why she thinks its a bad thing.

part of the culture of wanting to make kids grow up too fast IMO. sad. a very bizarre comment.

DD is only just 3 and has started preschool, and is flourishing - but it still feels weird that she's doing things without me. so she'll start school, but if there's a problem like your DS had, she'll be out of there.

I think the fact she's doing SO well at preschool is (apart from luck, maybe, that she's 'suited' to it perhaps) that she feels secure from having spent her first 3 years with me. the way my dad put it: "she's secure enough to be happy when you leave her there, but is also really happy when you come back."

anyway I don't think your friend meant to cause offence, there's just a general leaning in society towards making children as independent as possible.

Thanks MMM Glad your dd is so happy

Amazing that people think good social skills are aquired by young children from young children. As you said your child was bitten and hit by another child.

When my DS2 was 3 years old I started taking him to a class where he mixed with children the same age.He spent the best part of the hour avoiding the other children. He was really confused by their behaviour . He is now 6 and socialises very well with his peers, they have even stopped biting him!

The best place for children to grow in confidence and social skills is from a secure base where their constant carers, care for them because they love them.

Unfortunately many parents are keen to make their children independent too early. This idea has seeped into their thinking bacause of a political/economic agenda.

I would ignore negative comments, too many women(friends incl) seemed to make it their lives work to put other mothers down. HomeEd takes a lot of commitment and many people feel they lack the skills. Maybe your friend doubts her own ability and therefore wonders why you can cope.

I have just started out with HomeEd and I haven't met with negative comments or prying questions. Why? because I generally give the impression that I wouldn't tolerate put downs and I have been very open and upbeat about discussing it.

If you are resilient and confident dealing with people outside of your family, the chances are your children will model their behaviour on yours. They will be fine.

Thank you Mini x

What a strange comment from her. I would just ingore her and carry on as you are. As long as it works for you and your family then that's all that matters.

Thank you all.

Am feeling much better after a nice holiday AND PIL came up to see us for a day whilst we were there my MIL told me she thought that HE was the best thing for ds1 and how well he had come on since we took him out of school!!!! MAJOR turnaround there!

[Not a HEdder, but lurk because I'm interested and it's something I've always considered doing, although for the moment DS is at school and very happy]

I think it's a very odd comment. He's seven! Would you be a better parent if you scheduled three hours a week with someone who dislikes your son?

Perhaps you should just meet it with a straight-faced "Oh no, everyone DS meets automatically loves him. He's just that kind of boy."

prof heh heh. Well, of course they do!!! Had a bit of a proud mummy moment on hols actually

BEWARE!!!!>>>MUMMY ABOUT TO BRAG>>>>>

We were in our fave pasta place and on this particular occassion the service was dreadful - We were waiting for one and a half hours for our food! Anyway, a lady was leaving who had finished her meal and stopped at our table and said:

"Can I just say how well behaved your children are? They have had to wait such a long time and have been so patient!"

My ds1 is 7 and ds2 is 21 months. And they are both wonderful!!!!

xx

Hi I have home edded for 4.5 years and now both mine are back to school albeit high school (12 and 15). HE was a really good option for a time for my children - my son was withdrawing and blossomed again and is confident to be himself wheras my daughter spent most of her time reading and is so ahead of her yr 7 peers the teachers rave about her!
Those comments you mention. yes I know what you mean - but actually they are not really to do with you but speak of the perspective of the questionner. I always just turn counsellor - my Mum was a Marriage Guidance Counsellor - and reflect it back to explore what they mean. You will uncover some fascinating insights into their experience which may or may not be useful for you. But you being a listener may well help them to work through something...

What a strange thing to say, and who would want their child to be with people who don't love them?
We have been home edding for one year now and my daughter has 100 more confidence and her social skills have really taken a major positive turn.
I know one of my "friends" who was very supportive recently did not invite my daughter to her daughters birthday treat (they are best friends) because she thought she may have felt "uncomfortable", which she wouldn't. She doesn't hardly call round or bother with me much anymore either.
I guess you find out who your real friends are.

Keep smiling, you've been blessed with precious kids who you want to spend every moment with. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

s.X