This should probably go in relationships…

[Febrilefrog543]

… but it is specific to house renovations!

I would love to know please how you negotiate home improvements with a husband or partner who earns more than you but doesn’t really care about house upgrades or decor?

Thank you.

Depends on what they do care about.
If they care about maintaining the value of the home then upkeep is essential.
If they care about you then they should want you to be happy in your home.
I honestly think if my DH didn't care about upgrades and decor I'd move out.

So he's tight about a can of paint and a new carpet? Or are you changing £5k sofas every year?

No he’s not tight about a can of paint. But we bought our house as a doer upper and although we do basic maintenance, far more work is required. Not structural but replastering, some electrics, we need to finish a shower room. Repairing and replacing some floors. Needs in built storage. Things like that.

Yes we do essential maintenance like roof repairs, guttering, chimney sweeping, checking boiler, painting window frames etc.

If they care about you then they should want you to be happy in your home

You would think so! He’s a fantastic dh in every other way.

I honestly think if my DH didn't care about upgrades and decor I'd move out.

Honestly? I don’t mean to sound rude but frustrating as this situation is, I can’t see myself leaving my dh for material reasons?

Certainly not buying £5k sofas! Our furniture is a mix of tatty inherited bits and old Ikea!

The problem is that he genuinely doesn’t care for himself. He’s not being deliberately mean. He is happy living out of a suitcase with minimal stuff. He’s an academic and material things pass him by.

Ah, so he's happy with the status quote. That'd be fine in a house that was properly liveable. But if there is plastering and stuff to do, then he needs to accept that it requires money and effort.

Would you be happy if he put a budget in a separate account and let you get on with it? (You mention that he earns more)

Its selfish to think 'I'd live out of a suitcase so this is fine for me' when you bought a doer upper. He has to see that it's not fine for you. And do something. If he has no interest in doing it himself then he needs to come up with a different plan where tradespeople are booked and paid for.

Living in a half finished door upper is soul destroying. It never looks clean, you sit down and see everything that looks a bit shit and long for that room to just look finished. Talk to him about a plan. Or move to a house thats more finished. I bet he won't be too keen to spend the stamp duty, moving costs and go through that upheaval again. Suddenly getting a plasterer in seems simple!

You have hit the nail on the head with your insight and advice there AlwaysFreezing

Thank you so much.

And I guess from your nn that you have experience yourself with renovations 😁

Btw, that’s so true about it being soul destroying. After almost twenty years I am losing patience and I’m fed up of feeling ashamed when I open the front door to friends and family! It does get you down. Plus it’s really hard to manage and clean.

Yes, honestly. It's not about material reasons. My environment impacts my mental health, my home has to feel like safety, security, warmth, love. I'd just to the living together apart thing if my DH couldn't support me in that way. Doesn't mean I don't love him, just means I love myself too. It's not a big deal for either of us because he knows how important it is for me, so doesn't make it a bone of contention.

Is it just that he won't agree to the work being done as he just can't see the need but if he could see the need then he'd happily agree that you could go ahead and arrange it?

If that's all it is as you say he's not tight then just explain how unhappy it's making you. If he agrees but isn't interested in choosing the decor etc then it's a win win for you as you have the choice of what colours to use etc. I know that's not ideal if you want him to be interested but in that circumstance just look at the positives.To have free rein without someone moaning is my ideal!

Btw, that’s so true about it being soul destroying. After almost twenty years I am losing patience and I’m fed up of feeling ashamed when I open the front door to friends and family! It does get you down. Plus it’s really hard to manage and clean.

It's exactly this for me, amplified. We've had a series of doer uppers so we know right where the line is when it gets to much for me and edges into anxiety and depression.
It's always bathroom first so we can clean ourselves after a hard day, then kitchen so we can cook and eat. Bedroom pretty quickly done for a clean, lovely retreat and good sleep. Then the rest of the house. I can't keep something clean of it's already in a state, and I'm very uncomfortable having people round to a house that isn't clean. Our current property has taken 4 years so far, due to funds and some health challenges, we'd normally be done inside a couple of years. But bedroom, bathroom and kitchen were done in the first year, along with a rewire and all new pipes and heating system. The rest I cope with as long as there's a plan for how and when we tackle it. We're 95% complete now at the 4 year mark and celebrated with a party for all our friends and neighbours.
Life just has more joy for me if my home is lovely and I'm happy to return to it. And it's not about new things, I buy from auctions and charity shops for most of my furniture and art. It's about it being my happy place.

Agree with Whiskeypot. My DH stalls on (1) the organisation, (2) the decision making and (3) the preparation. Money isn't the problem, but it's always there - "how much is this going to cost?!"

In the end I got quotes, chose the colours and reorganised all the stuff so the trades could get to the walls. He was pretty grumpy, particularly about the moving of the stuff, but he did see the problem.

Why did he think he bought a 'doer-upper' if he wasn't going to, you know, do it up? Did he just think he was buying a cheap roof over his head and everything else was cosmetic frippery? (I had one XH like this...)

I think the only solution is for you to take over. Tell him, obviously, what's going to happen, and maybe suggest going room by room. Pick the least worst room first so he won't be disrupted by lots of mess and people going in and out (does he object to having someone in to do work?). Get one room looking great and then compare it to the rest of the house so he can see the difference and how much better it is.

But I am very much afraid that all the hard work of organising is going to come to you, OP. so prepare yourself.

I agree with other posters that you need to take control of the situation @Febrilefrog543 and do wonder what his rationale was for buying a doer-upper in the first place? Do you mean you have been in your unfinished house for twenty years? If so, that's crazy!

We've bought a series of project houses over many years and have mostly DIYed them, partly for financial reasons and - primarily - because we enjoy it. Or rather, we did at the start - I'm now getting to the stage (in my fifties, seventh/eighth back-to-back project) when I'd much rather buy something already done. If only it was possible to find somewhere in budget done to our - fairly niche - style!

My OH can turn his hand to most things except complex electrics/heating and usually does, but I'm home all day whilst he's not and he definitely doesn't see the urgency in getting it all completed as I do, being surrounded by a building site! Our last place took six years, then we sold it straight away (because we hated the location, which had been his choice!) and I'm keen to not let our current project drag out as I want to start enjoying living here - which is difficult when everywhere is covered in a thick layer of building dust/piles of building materials/furniture.

Fortunately we did our bedroom first, so do have a sanctuary to escape to, plus we've an upstairs living room where we're currently camped out/eat meals etc - although that's a mixed blessing as it lessens the urgency to complete the downstairs imo. Currently we have no hot water and have had no working kitchen since February (new oven has been in the garage nine months), although we're seeing progress on that score at last.

Sometimes you have to put your foot down and/or set an ultimatum @Febrilefrog543 - I do, anyway - for example, we've been here a year next week and still don't have a working boiler (the one we inherited is 40+ years old and stopped working soon after completion). OH saw no mad rush to get it replaced as we'd just had a wood burner installed. He kept saying he'd arrange some gas safe engineers to quote for a new one, but as spring turned to summer with no progress, I took over and finally got a few quotes, stipulating it had to be done by end of Oct or I'd be moving somewhere warmer for the winter months! That got him motivated to do the plastering needed for the new boiler location and installation is now scheduled 😉

Tell him you've had it with the half-finished house and think you should move to a new build. I speak as someone who doesn't enjoy home renovations, but I couldn't live with so much undone for so long.

he isn't interested so come up with a plan.

We bought a doer - upper and it needs work.
Plus every room in the house should be redecorated every 5 (or 7 or 10) years to keep it in good repair.

this year - shower room xxx amount
In january kitchen - xxx amount

Set it out like a schedule of works, put in approximate prices, over estimate slightly, so that there is some wriggle room.

Then show it to him.
The other option as PP said is to move to a finished house.
Which would he rather do?

I would also not factor in him doing any of the work unless he is good at DIY and once motivated will do it.

Agree the plan with him. Agree how it will be funded. I would offer - savings, extend the mortgage, sell stuff etc.

The advantage of doing this is that it is not really negotiable. The works have to be done. the house is not finished, won't sell, and is uncomfortable to live in. The options are do it or move.