Not coping with kitchen renovation at all

[PeachOrca]

DH and I are currently having our kitchen renovated. I am autistic and this morning I feel I have reached breaking point.

the company that are fitting the kitchen wanted £1k to rip it out so DH and I did that by ourselves slowly over the course of 4-5 weeks after work and on the weekends taking things to the tip etc. So now for over a month I have had no kitchen, and we have been living off of ‘cook’ microwave food and eating out.

The install of the kitchen started last week and I just cannot cope with the levels of noise and mess. The company installing are lovely, the fitters are a team of 3. Two of them don’t speak any English but are pleasant enough and the main guy is good but not around a lot and is difficult to speak to in the sense he has a very thick accent and doesn’t really give straight answers. I find myself unable to retain anything he tells me and feel embarrassed I have to get DH to call him at the end of each day to find out what he was advising.

When taking the kitchen out DH dropped a unit through the floor so we had to rip the floor out and didn’t have the time or money to get it relaid before the kitchen was installed. Now the units don’t quite go to the ceiling as I wanted and it’s bugging me a lot although DH says it’s fine.

The person that was supposed to do the tiling can’t come this week and is now due to come at the end of next week so the kitchen will remain looking unfinished for ages. There is also a lot of decorating and making good that needs to be done as we changed the kitchen layout and I just think all the ugly gaps and marks on the wall where paint is missing etc looks awful I can’t start to enjoy the kitchen coming together.

Our house is small and completely open plan downstairs so the dust and grime is everywhere and I can’t stay on stop of it. I cannot bear being in the house at the moment and spend the whole time just laying in bed wishing we never decided to get the kitchen done.

The final straw this morning was that I realised the fitters accidentally threw an Amazon parcel away I needed today. It only cost £10 and I can probably find the same items in shops later this morning but it has broken me and I’ve had a huge row with DH this morning over it and now I’ve stormed out the house and DH is in work. Fitters are due to come at lunchtime today for final bits and I just want to get in the car and drive away and not come back.

lots of people get house work done so I feel so stupid it’s overwhelming me this much. I have lost 1/2 stone despite relying on convenience food for over a month now.

I'm not autistic and everything you describe would make me feel the same as you do

Awful horrible noise mess chaos

I have no advice apart from deep breathing!

I have admiration for you. 🥰❤️

Look, it’s always stressful — I’m NT and was trying to finish a book in our tiny London flat when we had the kitchen renovated. I needed to be on hand to deal with questions (quirky conversion so non-standard fittings) so couldn’t just go to the library, so I was in the bedroom with the entire contents of the kitchen and living room wearing earplugs.

I would try to spend more time out of the house in your shoes.

Thank you

Thank you - you have just reminded me of my noise cancelling headphones, I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before. I have walked to a cafe to write this post snd try compose myself before todays round starts…

It is a bloody nightmare, you have my full sympathy. We did an extension a few years ago and were without a kitchen for about 8 weeks, all crammed into the front living room and it was horrible. So stressful. I’m pretty sure I’m autistic too, but most NT women of my acquaintance have found it the most stressful thing to have done in a house. I am a planner and I coped with it by planning everything so I didn’t have to make too many decisions on the hoof, as it all felt a bit overwhelming.

I actually found it worse towards the end as it was so close but so much yet to do. But a couple of years on, I’m so glad we did it as it’s transformed the house.

Hang in there. Get out of the house as much as you can!

It sounds awful, I don't think it's at all stupid that you're experiencing a sense of being overwhelmed. In your situation I'd be longing for peace and quiet and that feeling of home. The people I know with autism do tend to do best when they've got some routine in their lives, so I can imagine it's even harder for you.

I'm also feeling irritated on your behalf about the units not quite meeting the ceiling! I imagine you've measured carefully and looked at loads of tiles to find something that's the right thickness because you want it just so. And now you've been thwarted, argh!

Do you think you'd be able to hide the gap with some kind of moulding (if that's the right word)? My neighbour had a similar situation and the kitchen company made something to match her units (although I think it would've been fine for her to have bought one in, like, Wickes, and just paint it the same colour as the ceiling).

autistic here and totally relate!!!

Had our bathroom done last year and our fitters were absolutely lovely but the noise and dust and having people in my house all the time and having the rest of my house upside down sent my autistic symptoms through the roof.

We even went away for long weekends twice during the fit and I still found it hard. Had an absolutely massive meltdown on one of them because it was so overwhelming.

However, the bathroom is probably now the thing in the house that gives me the most joy. It’s my happy place to go and have a bath at the end of a day. So keep focussing on the final outcome- you can keep doing the finishing touches and tidying bit by bit as and when you are able to get the result you want.

Can your DH support you to take some time out? Mine stayed at home more and allowed me to go to the office on the major work days so that I didn’t have to sit with it. Sounds like going to the cafe will work for you if DH can support

I am NT and our new kitchen fit was reasonably easy and only took 2 weeks
Even so it nearly broke me, it was bloody awful and you have my sympathy.
I love my kitchen now but I am very very happy that I am unlikely to ever have to go through that again.

Do you have to be in the house when they are there? My house was a building site for months so I sympathise but I generally just left them to it and either went to work or elsewhere during the day.

You have my sympathy- I had a renovation done last year and it nearly broke me. The invasion of privacy, people in your house, noise, dust and disruption, constant cleaning.

My home is my sanctuary and I found it difficult not having any peace and quiet.

i could have cried every time the plasterers van drove up knowing there would be more dust to deal with.

My present to myself was noise cancelling headphones which helped a lot.

you have my sympathy, hang on in there!

if it’s any consolation, the minute the last van drove away and I could get back to
normal I had a new found appreciation for my lovely house, enjoyed the solitude even more and quickly forgot the months of disruption and got on with enjoying the benefits of the work.

I’m autistic too, when we had our extension and new kitchen it was awful, it’s awful for any NT person too, but I think women even more so as we like our houses just right, no mess/clutter etc. it killed me. The electricians were the ones that sent me over the edge, I burst out crying one evening when they left because I just couldn’t cope with the settling dust anymore.
but now I love my big kitchen diner !! I promise you’ll love your new kitchen too, it will be worth it !

Thanks so much. We had our bathroom done a few years back and while it was obviously not ideal having to go to the gym to use the shower each morning this feels so much worse. Also we didn’t anticipate needing to sort out decorating/fixing as with the bathroom they did all of that. Ideally we would have done that first if we’d have known!

DH was here for the first few days but unfortunately he does not have a job that you can wfh whereas I have more flexibility and AL to take so have been using a bit of both.

Yes the disruption of routine is something I am struggling with the most!

we are going to speak to the kitchen company as see if they have some panels or something we can use to cover the gap. Mostly I wanted them to touch the ceilings as I hate having to deal with that dust, oil and grime that collects on the top of cupboards!

@Needtogoforarun and @whichkindof thanks both. I can feel I am on the edge of a meltdown and I am really lashing out on my husband at the moment because of it which is making it harder for both of us.

Sadly yes, it’s a very old house and the refit is not straight forward (similar to what op mentioned with their kitchen refit) and so they constantly ask lots of questions which I (or DH) need to be on hand for

With regards to the cabinet ceiling gap, if you want to fill it, you have two main options.

get the cabinet people to make a small bit of coving type stuff that matches the cabinet finish and bridges the gap. I would suggest it is made somewhat decorative so it looks purposeful and not an after thought 🤣

get a small strip of primed wood from a lumber yard that fits the gap and install it flush with the frame of the cabinets, and then paint it the ceiling colour so it visually disappears . You might need to glue it in place as it will be tricky to nail it to anything. And then caulk the top and bottom cracks before painting.

dust and noise is tricky. If you can afford it, book a hotel for a night for you and DH to have a break from it all and a reset mentally. Or an airbnb so you have a kitchen and can make a nice dinner and breakfast. And maybe even batch cook a load of your favourite meals that you are missing to take home for you freezer.

Thank you for the advice on the gap that is so helpful.

love the idea of an Airbnb. I miss cooking and baking so much this might really help rest and bring me back to earth a bit, I’m going to look into this now.

we had our kitchen done last year, I struggle with change of routine, things out of place and people in and out the house ect I feel for you but just try and go with it best you can it is a stressful experience having big work done and living in the house. Btw I love it and I’m soo happy we did it x

I promise you're not alone, we're at the same stage as you and also fed up and not coping, we're exhausted as having to do alot of work ourselves for the cost so trying to fit it in on evenings and weekends, we're getting no family time or time to ourselves and we've had a couple of arguments over it but it's been frustration boiling over and unfortunately we end up venting at each other , our main issue was delays with the plasterer which knocked all the other trades back.
The biggest thing I'm struggling with is no sink!
But you've come this far and managed with the mess and disruption, it will be worth it in the end and I keep telling myself that nothing is unfixable so can you ask if they can put a filler piece in at the top of the cupboards to fill the gaps?
Our house is also small and we can't use any of the downstairs but have moved the TV upstairs and just live in the bedroom now so we are shut off from the rest of the chaos of the house, are you able to do something similar? Sometimes when it feels too overwhelming I just come in from work and go straight to the bedroom so I don't even look at the mess downstairs and that's a big help.

How do you feel now @PeachOrca ?
Finished?
Long forgotten memory?
Just going through it myself.

@DIYfatigue all finished now and love it, totally transformed the house. Worth it, but ultimately one of the most stressful things I have dealt with in my life so far and currently on a DIY hiatus. Wishing you luck x

OP I really feel for you. I have adhd and autism and we had our kitchen totally refitted in April this year. Totally worth it but I almost had a nervous breakdown at the time. I hate having builders etc in the house it really puts me on edge.
No advice I’m afraid but lots and lots of sympathy 💐

I needed to hear that. Thanks for your update.