Two week holidays with friends - what do you think??

[mogwai]

We have some lovely and very generous friends who have invited us to go to Florida with them next summer as they have a timeshare place with three bedrooms.

It will be hot and humid in the extreme, which puts me off a bit, but we're trying to decide whether this would be a hit or miss.

We will have two kids aged five and 14 months. They will have two kids aged six (nearly seven) and 2.5 years.

Good points:

We get on well with the couple. Their kids are lovely. The resort will provide lots of entertainment for our kids, we can babysit for each other, ladies could go shopping together, blokes could also get some free time. Extra pairs of hands on tap, kids will entertain each other.

Bad points:

The weather might be uncomfortable for the smallest children, who also can;t enjoy many of the things on offer like Disneyworld. Other couple allow their children to go to bed very late (about 10-11pm) whereas we prefer some down time in the evening (though may need less downtime if the kids have been entertained all day by other kids!). Other couple spend LOTS of money on their kids in terms of toys/sweets. We have very different available income and different ideas about what's acceptable to spend.

Also - three bedroomed apartment for two weeks - we might get on top of each other (though there are two bathrooms).

What do you think? We were plannign to rent a villa or go to a resort on Majorca but this is beginning to look like much more hard work for us both than going away in a larger group.

We've never been to Florida before, by the way.

Immediate reaction - bedrooms: eight into three doesn't go. Is the idea the little ones sleep in their parents' rooms & the older two share? Or all kids in together? Or what? And where does playing happen - how big is the living-room? I think it just isn't big enough & that makes it a non-starter.

When we do holiday house-shares (and have done lots, very very successfully) we have a house with 5 bedrooms - one for dh & me, one for our two, because we know they share happily; one for the other parents, & the other two at disposition for the other family to use as they like. Our two bedrooms are upstairs, theirs are all downstairs - the bit of private space (esp. for those Early Mornings) is essential.

Hi Mogwai,

Would give this idea a wide berth. If you go on holiday do not go on holiday with friends.

They may not be your friends at all by the end of the holiday!. You could all end up hating the sight of each other. They also seem to have very different ideas to yourselves re bedtimes, discipline, spending habits etc.

Eight into three bedrooms as Bink rightly points out does not work either. You'll be all under each others feet the whole time and no one family unit can be completely apart from the other.

FL as well as you correctly surmise is very hot and humid in August. It also rains a lot there too during that month, thunderstorms (although short in duration) can be intense.

2 deal breakers for me:

1. other people's children up until 10/11pm
2. not enough bedrooms

No deal breakers but won't help:

• the weather
• differential in income between the 2 families

My issue would be the way you parent differently. I just did a long weekend with friends and whilst it was lovely to see them I think the differences in the kids and how they are treated/behave became an issue even in that short time.

Eg. We had a day out, all kids are tired. My idea - feed kids, bath, in bed - then grown up dinner. Their's - Kids eat what we eat - keep them up whilst we rush round to get food on the table. Mine won't eat it - I can't offer anything else as theirs have to eat what is on plate. Queue - Nightmare, tantrums etc etc.

I guess it could work as long as you are "close" enough that you can agree fair and consistant rules for ALL the kids in advance. Otherwise avoid!

Some other things to consider:-

It's a very common issue - friendships breaking up on holiday. The idea of going away with someone you know and trust sounds good in theory but it's so easy for it to go wrong. Never underestimate just because you're good friends, going away together for a one or two weeks break will be easy. It's a big risk holidaying with someone for the first time; this is when you will discover what they are really like.

First go for a trial run such as a weekend break to access your compatibility. This will be beneficial for both parties and will not just save you money and heartache but most importantly your friendship."

Once you've tested the water with a weekend away it's a good idea to discuss the following travel considerations before booking a longer break, and then you'll have done all you can to ensure you're a good match.

What is your budget? Do you both (or all) have the same amount of cash? What will be your priorities on spending? Would you like to contribute to a kitty or be responsible for all your own spends?

Do you prefer organised tours or would you rather wander round absorbing the atmosphere and discovering places for yourself?

Do you have any special needs, dietary requirements or personal preferences that will affect your travel companions?

If planning a trip with friends, are you currently in a relationship or having personal problems? What impact could this have on your behaviour and mood during your stay? Are you planning on a lot of bedroom action? If you're travelling with your partner, is it a particularly stressful time or do you have any disputes that are likely to flare up while away?

How many of you are planning to travel together? Be aware of the jealousies, annoyances and conflicts that are often present in a small group of friends.

It is a good idea to agree on a strategy if things don't go smoothly.

When planning a longer trip with friends it's helpful to agree that you will let each other know if something is bugging you. Conversely, you should agree to show some consideration to your travel mates and try to approach things with humour and flexibility. You can probably put up with some dodgy music but not an ever-growing pile of dirty underwear on the floor.

The other thing I meant to say, as having done this quite a bit, is one week is truly long enough to be in the pockets of another family, however much you all get on. It really does feel like a good long stretch - long enough for six-year-olds to conclusively decide to marry each other. Etc.

thanks for great well thought-out replies.

Next question - is a week long enough to cope with the jetlag?

I mean, is it worth going to Florida for a week?

The airfares will be the same whatever. This will probably therefore have to be our only summer holiday. I'd rather have two weeks away than one if it's our only holiday.

Their children are not badly behaved but they do get absolutely everythign they want and there seem to be few boundaries on things like helping yourself from the fridge, eating sweets before meals (and then not eating the meal and this not being a problem) etc.

I spent a weekend with them a ocuple of months ago, which is when all of this became apparent. I did try to put my own child to bed but she wouldn;t sleep because their kids were still up (fair enough). As it was their house, I couldn;t say anything.

I am concerned that, as it's their holiday (they are paying for the accomodation), I can't ask for them to agree rules in advance.

Or do you disagree?

Could you afford to stay with them for a shorter time and elsewhere in Florida for the majority of the holiday ?

Florida in the summer - not my idea of a good holiday. Way too hot.

Not enough bedrooms either!

Bearing in mind what you just added, I would say do something on your own as a family. I'm the relaxed one, like your friend. Honestly, I think it would cause mega stress.

Hi mogwai,

Re your comments:-

"Their children are not badly behaved but they do get absolutely everythign they want and there seem to be few boundaries on things like helping yourself from the fridge, eating sweets before meals (and then not eating the meal and this not being a problem) etc.

I spent a weekend with them a ocuple of months ago, which is when all of this became apparent. I did try to put my own child to bed but she wouldn;t sleep because their kids were still up (fair enough). As it was their house, I couldn;t say anything."

The weekend away with them should serve as a warning to you. You did not feel like you could say anything to these people?. That is in itself an issue. Would urge you NOT to go with them on holiday under any circumstances. This is because there are too many underlying issues already re boundaries for this to work at all well. What about your privacy?. All that could terminate your friendship by the end of the holiday.

"I am concerned that, as it's their holiday (they are paying for the accomodation), I can't ask for them to agree rules in advance".

You all have to agree rules in advance - there will be unsaid resentment and trouble otherwise. You must have an agreed strategy if things do not go smoothly.

Keep your friendship - do not go to FL with these people!!. Go on holiday by yourselves. BTW late spring or early December are the best times to go to FL, certainly not August.

All the way to Florida for one week is too short.

Is it at all possible (inc. budget-wise) you can stay with your friends for one week & then go somewhere else for the other? (You could use your "never been to Florida before" as rationale & go somewhere less resorty.)

Presumably their two weeks is always two weeks - ie they haven't paid for two weeks just because they think you'll be there with them throughout? - so they won't be miffed if you only be with them for some of the time?

If you can't do that, I really doubt this is a good idea, especially now you've said about the weekend (and about how you think Their Place Their Rules - which really it completely shouldn't be - both families should feel comfortable enough to say 'we need to do this bit our own way' (and to be confident the other family won't take it amiss)

Having been on holiday with very good, very old friends of mine I would say that a similar approach to parenting is absolutely critical if you're sharing a house. So I'd say thanks but no thanks. Tell them you'd rather wait until your kids are older and can enjoy it more.

Even if you get on brilliantly and are entirely compatible with the way you raise your children, 3 bedrooms split between 4 kids and 4 adults is a recipe for tension

And, you know, even when you are very compatible things can take you by surprise - for instance, my brother (of whom I am enormously fond) and his wife & family came to share our holiday house, and I suddenly realised how his children were raised to have a bit of fruit whenever they felt snacky, so that the fruitbowl was constantly being raided & not-quite finished bits of fruit left about.

Now this is FINE, of course you can do things that way - but I hadn't factored it into the mass supermarket shops & menu planning, & it just had slight practical consequences of that sort. So if things like that can derail you (a tiny bit, this is a very small example) you can imagine how constantly bigger issues will derail things.

Thanks for responses.

Yes, staying elsewhere for a week might be a possibility.

However, we would never have dreamed of going to Florida next August if it weren't for the fact they have invited us. I'm pregnant at the moment and we have no idea whether the new baby will be an "easy baby" or not, and therefore no idea about planning next summer's holiday right now.

I'm not one of those people who tolerates miserable situations very well. Our friends are very accommodating and relaxed and tolerate things like night waking and co-sleeping without trying to address the issues and improve things. For this reason, they would no doubt easily tolerate the humidity and the small accommodation whereas I would likely be a nervous wreck.

I think it's probably a bad idea, on balance. We would love to go when the children are older perhaps, particulalry if we can choose another time of year and get our own accomodation.

I think they'll be very let down as I know they really wanted us to go, and of course, it is incredibly generous of them to ask in the first place.