Holiday issues over Christmas

[Navigatingcoparent]

I have 2 children. 15 and 12. This year is the children’s year to spend Christmas with me.

A little bit of background me and the ex do not get on at all and he is a textbook narc. We have been separated 3 years.

Last year he took the children on holiday in December during term time. He refused to tell the school he was taking them “his children, he can do what he wants” is what he told me. He also didn’t care that I didn’t agree to the holiday as I didn’t want them out of school “I’m the parent I can do what I want”
He also had them 10am Christmas Eve until 10am Boxing Day. I asked to have them back 6pm Christmas Day but he refused saying they had plans (they did nothing)

So this year, we alternate I have them over Christmas. I have planned a holiday instead of presents as they have everything so would rather do an experience instead, and we will be flying back Christmas Day. The children are aware this is their present and they are so excited. For the week we are away it does go over his one weekend. (The same as his summer holiday with the children now, it’s gone over my weekend so we switched weekends)
I have said the children will be ready to collect 10am Boxing Day and he can have them through until 4th Jan as it gives him his extra weekend, Christmas time and NY.
He has said I am absolutely not to take them away as it’s “his right” to see them Christmas Day! What is best to do. Would it just be court order for specific issue?

I don't know your legal situation re access but if it isnt set in stone take the kids on holiday, your children also have rights to a peaceful Christmas without a demanding his rights father.

All I keep reading is if I don’t get written permission it’s classed as abduction and that does scare the life out of me.

no court order arrangement regarding access. He has them every other weekend and 1 night every week day

Tell him to explain to the children why they won't be going on the holiday because he won't let them?

But you could have had him arrested for taking them away without permission last year, you sound like you are still scared of him.

"Feel free to take me to court and I will explain to the judge how you don't let me see the kids on Christmas Day when it's your turn to have them, and will also give documented evidence of all the other ways you are using contact arrangements as a means of ongoing abuse by coercive control. I rather think the outcome will be a reduction in what you get, not an increase. If you prevent me from taking the kids on this holiday that you know they want, that will be another piece of evidence that I promise you I will ensure the court knows about if we have to involve them in decisions because you aren't capable of putting their best interests at a higher priority than your ego"

@Coffeeishot absolutely terrified of him!

You might need to take him to court for official access like a pp said, he still has a hold over you i think you need to distance yourself from him.

Do your children like him do they visit him happily ?

Most of the time it’s been ok, there were issues earlier this year and they refused to go to him because of his behaviour but he bought them round

He sounds horrible, I don't think you should tell him so much your holiday isn't any of his bussiness.

They are going to him on Boxing Day until 4th January, are away over your weekend now and he didn’t let you see them Christmas Day but you’re thinking of cancelling a holiday to let him see them Christmas Day?!

Go to court. He wants to talk about his “rights” then make it official

Did you remind him of his actions the previous year?

He’s using his children as a both punishment and a weapon against you and he also knows you are terrified of him. You’re going to have to play smart here. I would certainly formalise all access arrangements via the courts; informal gives abusers carte Blanche to take the piss. And do they actually want to see their dad: how do both get on with him?

Is there enough time to get it sorted? Everything I’ve read have said to get mediation first and obviously in the run up to Christmas family court gets really busy anyway.
Some friends have said to just go ahead and take them. They are old enough to say I’m their mum, I have their birth certificates and is he really going to report me? The eldest turns 16 in November so I don’t think I need a court order for her (from what I’ve read)

@MiniCooperLover yes, he doesn’t care. I’ve offered more time than I had over Christmas with them last year. It’s not like he hasn’t not seen them Christmas Day before. 2 years ago he didn’t see them, had them Boxing Day, the year before when still together he refused to get out of bed to watch them open presents then refused to come to my parents for lunch. So he stayed at home all day by himself.
He did then lie to his friend and said we had a lovely Christmas that particular year 🙄