Am I a bad parent if?

[Talulabells88]

Hi so I have a 15 and 14 year old daughter they have both been naughty for the past couple of months my 14 year old more so she is completely out of control doesnt listen does what she wants doesn't listen to rules goes and has fights with people and arguing daily with people she doesnt return home to the point where I have to ring the police and things are that bad I've rang social services for help with them both but my 14 year old more so as the 15 year old will conform and listen to rules but has her blips mainly when she goes out with the 14 year old, so we have a family holiday booked to salou the end of August for 10 days and have warned them if you dont behave your not going (I've already sold their motorcross bikes so they cant do motorcrossing anymore to prove a point im not playing games anymore as I literally do not know what else to do) so my 14 year old has been told she is definitely not coming on the holiday as she is still not behaving and doing what she wants and so many friends amd family members have said she doesnt deserve to go blah blah but my mum guilt keeps getting the better of me and I keep hoping she will change in time to com but I think its gone to far now where there is no redeeming herself to come on the holiday with us as she will definitely miss behave when we are there and ruin it and I'll be on edge the whole 10 days wondering what shes going to do but like I said my mum guilt is eating away at me for having to leave her behind and go without her. Does it make me a bad parent to take our other 4 children and not her? We cancelled the whole holiday last year because none of them was behaving and im not doing that this year it isn't fair to my 5 and 4 year old to miss out on their holiday because the big 3 who are old enough to know better dont want to behave and I just know my 14 year old is going to resent me for not taking her but taking the other 2 big ones when they have misbehaved but not to the extent she has and they've apologised and are now towing themselves into line but she is still unruley and out of control even when shes been told she won't be coming on the holiday shes said she dont care (even though I know she does) but I just need re assurance and advice from strangers that it doesn't make me a bad parent because im having a really hard time thinking about leaving her behind even though I know deep down she doesnt deserve to go.

She is acting out for a reason, has anybody tried to understand what she is raging against? Is there a new partner, do the younger ones always get more attention so she’s felt pushed out? Any SEN? Has she been assessed for ADHD or anything?
I feel knee jerk reactions such as selling their possessions or leaving them out of family trips never end well. It just proves to them they are right in feeling they aren’t loved as much as their siblings tbh.
Maybe family counselling would be the way to go.
My AuDHD DC is, at times, an absolute nightmare, but punishments such as removing items, restricting freedoms etc never work, even so, I wouldn’t dream of leaving them out of a holiday.
Who will look after her whilst you are away?

using punctuation in your post would be helpful to follow :)
Very hard to discipline teenagers, I suggest trying to get to the bottom of why the 14 year old is acting up this way, perhaps a 1:1 quiet safe space where she can open up to you. Asking her kindly to reevaluate her choices and make better choices.
wishing you best of luck.

Who would you leave her with? Unless its a Dad or maybe very supportive Grandparents I think you should take her. 10 days is a long time to leave a 14 year old without a parent. 16-17 maybe but not 14.
I have had a daughter make some sketchy decisions she also has auDHD and was a nightmare. I still would never leave her out. As po says punishments like that don't work. They just compound it.

I struggle to use punctuation due to my dyslexia and being unable to express myself properly sorry, shes been like this for 3 years and noone will help me ive tried everywhere for help but she keeps getting rejected

I know and this is what im struggling with i dont want to leave her out but what am I sapposed to do if she runs away whilst in a foreign country because she cant get her own way or if she beats her older sister up like she does at home because she doesn't get her own way its such a hard thing im going through and I really dont want to leave her out but I also have to think about the others and the fact we will be in a foreign country and her dad has also said not to take her and friends amd family have but my mum guilt takes over but id regret it if something happens whilst away shes already misbehaved when we took her to Spain 2 years ago ruining our first ever holiday

Children do well - if they can do well.

You can't leave a 14 year old alone for 10 days while you go abroad!

I've tried to have her assessed and councilled been trying for 3 years shes on the waiting list for adhd and asd assessment but thats 2 years now shes been waiting shes been denied an early assessment thing school are just saying shes naughty but it is clearly logged its education she is struggling with and behind we had a bereavement in the family a couple of years ago which affected her and I tried to get her bereavement councilling but due to her mental health shes not allowed nay sort of councilling or emotional based support or learning untill shes seen a Clinical Psychologist which shes been waiting 13 months now I never take anything off her like her phone or PlayStation as id doesn't work I sold her bike to try prove a point that consequences have to happen as shes doesn't listen to anything but that didnt even bother her, my mum guilt is taking over me about not taking her away but everyone whos going on the holiday and friends and family including her dad has said she doesnt deserve to go they will fall out with me if I do take her because of how out of control and lack of respect she has so no matter what decision I make I cant win and im gonna feel guilty either way

I struggle to use punctuation due to my dyslexia and being unable to express myself properly sorry, shes been like this for 3 years and noone will help me ive tried everywhere for help but she keeps getting rejected

I wouldn't be leaving her alone she would stay with a family member

I know and this is what im struggling with i dont want to leave her out but what am I sapposed to do if she runs away whilst in a foreign country because she cant get her own way or if she beats her older sister up like she does at home because she doesn't get her own way its such a hard thing im going through and I really dont want to leave her out but I also have to think about the others and the fact we will be in a foreign country and her dad has also said not to take her and friends amd family have but my mum guilt takes over but id regret it if something happens whilst away shes already misbehaved when we took her to Spain 2 years ago ruining our first ever holiday

Ok.

You can't leave a 14 year old alone for 10 days. Maybe a super sensible mature 14 year old but that's not where you are.

ChatGPT may be able to help you format text better. Try this prompt 'please edit this text, putting in appropriate spelling and punctuation and changing nothing else'. Sorry to be patronising - but you will get more results that way.

Support in school depends on need not diagnosis. It doesn't matter that she isn't diagnosed - it matters that she isn't coping. Is she on the SEN registet?

I think I'd leave her at home with a responsible relative, but then take her away on her own for a long weekend somewhere in the UK, later in the month.

Focus totally on her in those few days, give her your undivided attention, try to do some things she enjoys. Give her the chance to talk and for you to listen.

It will give your other dcs and dh a break, and give her the chance to tell you why she is so angry.

I wouldn't be leaving her alone and she doesnt go to school hasnt for 2 years, shes on the waiting list for a diagnosis but school are refusing to acknowledge her educational needs and are just saying she is naughty and not offering any help or support even though I've been trying for 3 years with them

She's being left with a relative i should of stated that in my post and I think this is actually a good idea just me and her time because I just no shes going to act up on holiday and I dont want to be on holiday and feel like I do everyday at home with her and wondering what shes going to do next

If she hasn't been to school for two years then she - and you - need help.

Take a look here: https://notfineinschool.co.uk/