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Original poster

Holiday/ funeral

12 replies

Spanielmom · 31/07/2024 20:02

I lost my brother at the weekend. We hadn’t spoken for a couple of years and I hadn’t been aware of how ill he was, we’re not the closest family. He cut me out for no reason at all and and gravitated towards family we’ve never been close to before. . His adult daughter is next of kin and making arrangements. I work in funeral care so have offered my assistance but she isn’t really communicating with me so I’m leaving her to her own choices
Problem is I am away on holiday in three weeks with my son. This has been booked for over a year and there’s no sign of her doing anything at the moment which makes me concerned that I may not be able to attend his funeral because if I cancel my holiday I will loose a massive amount of money.
in all honesty I don’t think he’d want me to he was that type of fella but I already feel so bad that I didn’t know of his illness but for me not to turn up to his funeral I can only imagine what the rest of the family ( cousins) would say.
Do you think it would be wrong of me not to attend. My daughters said they would likely go to represent me
We have family all over the country and I have a feeling a few will be no shows due to work commitments and poor health and also the fact he didn’t speak to them for some time either.
I see so many family feuds in my line of work and didn’t want us to be one of those families so I made my peace with him but I suppose my concern is what others will think. Tia

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 31/07/2024 20:50

It's difficult. It depends how you think you may get closure. Would it be enough for you to visit afterwards?

It may not be just loosing money, you may disappoint your DS who may not know/remember your brother. Is that something you need to prioritise?

My family is a case of some people low contact, some people no contact. While I would be sad if my sister or BIL would pass away, I think I would put my own family's needs before my guilt of not attending.

Original poster
Spanielmom · 31/07/2024 21:52

reluctantbrit · 31/07/2024 20:50

It's difficult. It depends how you think you may get closure. Would it be enough for you to visit afterwards?

It may not be just loosing money, you may disappoint your DS who may not know/remember your brother. Is that something you need to prioritise?

My family is a case of some people low contact, some people no contact. While I would be sad if my sister or BIL would pass away, I think I would put my own family's needs before my guilt of not attending.

This is my thinking. I don’t know if because of my job I’m a little desensitised to it so think I’d be fine in the knowledge he’d been laid to rest.
my DS would be disappointed as I think he’d only met hu brother a hand full of times when he was very young and he’s being so looking forward to our trip.
I suppose the whole thing has made me realise that I have pretty much zero relationship with that side of the family. I’d have no doubt after the service I’ll not hear from them anyway. Tbh I’ve not had a call of anyone since he passed.
May just let my niece crack on with the arrangements. I’ve offered my help and advice and it’s clearly not needed/ wanted and remember him in my own way if im away
thank you

OP posts:
Carriemac · 31/07/2024 22:20

Would your travel insurance cover this?

jeaux90 · 01/08/2024 08:26

Go on holiday, turning up to the funeral is a performance you don't need. I'd put your DS first.

Original poster
Spanielmom · 01/08/2024 15:46

jeaux90 · 01/08/2024 08:26

Go on holiday, turning up to the funeral is a performance you don't need. I'd put your DS first.

Quite a few friends have said the same. My niece has contacted me and has set the wheels in motion so hopefully it will all get booked in time for me to go but if not then that’s out of my control

OP posts:
crockofshite · 01/08/2024 15:53

It's all about how you feel about attending or not.

It doesn't matter what other people think.

You might regret cancelling your holiday and attending the funeral if the family relationship is already broken.

You can remember your brother however you see fit.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/08/2024 16:00

I'd let the niece know now that you will be out of the country on x dates. If she then arranges the funeral during the time you'll away, then so be it.

user8800 · 01/08/2024 16:01

You could go on holiday and remember/celebrate your brothers life in a way that is personal to you?
Were you close growing up?
Did you have a favourite passtime/food/music/film?
I'm sorry for your loss
X

showeringthisaft · 01/08/2024 16:06

I'd let them get on with it and go on your holiday.

You've offered to help and got nothing back.

AnotherBod · 01/08/2024 16:14

DelphiniumBlue · 01/08/2024 16:00

I'd let the niece know now that you will be out of the country on x dates. If she then arranges the funeral during the time you'll away, then so be it.

This is the perfect solution. It will be up to them how much they’d like you there.

Original poster
Spanielmom · 01/08/2024 16:45

user8800 · 01/08/2024 16:01

You could go on holiday and remember/celebrate your brothers life in a way that is personal to you?
Were you close growing up?
Did you have a favourite passtime/food/music/film?
I'm sorry for your loss
X

This is a lovely idea. He was 10 years my senior so quite a gap but we share a love of 70s music. May find a bar playing that sort of thing a raise a glass. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanielmom · 01/08/2024 16:47

DelphiniumBlue · 01/08/2024 16:00

I'd let the niece know now that you will be out of the country on x dates. If she then arranges the funeral during the time you'll away, then so be it.

This is my plan. If they feel it’s important that I’m there I’m sure they’ll try to accommodate. If not I know where I stand. I’ve lost nothing in that respect because we were never close. I’ll
then say goodbye in my own way

OP posts:
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