AIBU to not want to go away with extended family

[Hyperquiet]

We want to go on a first holiday with our baby and want a room with direct pool access. You can get these rooms more commonly in one destination and some of extended family wants to go to another. Noone is budging.

AIBU not to want to go with them so we get the convenience of a room with direct pool access as we have the baby?

Also, is it worth the sacrifice of not having anyone to help us with LO when we're away?

We'll be staying in the hotel mostly.

Direct pool access sounds like a nightmare for parents with moving dcs if they get out they’re straight into the pool. I’d take help over a potential danger.

Direct access to a pool wouldn't even enter into my mind as a priority when on holiday with a baby!

I went on holiday when DS was 7 mths with just him and DH and then went on another holiday with them and extended family when DS was 10 mths. The holiday with just the 3 of us was so much better!

I'd say suit yourself but I promise going on holiday with a baby isn't as stressful as you're imagining!

I would not get direct pool access with a mobile baby. Accident waiting to happen.

My baby was crawling at 8 months and direct access to a pool would honestly have been my worst nightmare. Having said that I also don't think you 'need' family on a holiday - it's more whether you want them there and would like to spend time with them. So neither option essential at all IMO.

If they don't see the baby much at home despite living local, are they actually going to be helping whilst you are away? I would just book the hotel of your choice. Holidaying with the extended family would not be my idea of fun! We have always holidayed just as a family, even when the kids were tiny, it's never been an issue.

Personally I’d find it more appealing to have willing helpers so you also get a bit of a break! If they are people who don’t want to help or say they will but you know it won’t happen then go with what you want but don’t underestimate the value of a bit of free time

I'd want any room that didn't have direct pool access with a mobile baby. Can't even put them down to play on the floor with the door open for a summer breeze otherwise.

I’d take your direct pool access option this year whilst baby is still young and agree to go with family next year. With an 8 month old the direct access will be more useful as baby will be able to nap in the room whilst you lounge just outside on the terrace by the pool (take a baby monitor with you). Next year when baby will presumably close to 18months-2 years-ish baby will more mobile and not want to be cooped up on a small terrace and will nap less, family help will be more useful at this age (if they are happy to help).

So in terms of holidays with extended families there are pros and cons. I have done holidays with extended family and just been our family (dh and 3 children).

I don't see any reason you will need help with an 8 month old on holiday. When holidaying with our 7 month old (prior to the other 2 children) I found it really relaxed. She was napping twice a day. We would also put her 'to bed' in her pushchair in the evenings and then take her for dimmer fast asleep. So had quite a bit of downtime as a couple too. You and partner can also split childcare a little during the day and take it in turns to swim with baby if you wish.

With extended family I would find trying to fit in with their plans difficult at times. I.e. wanting baby to do things at times when they need a nap and being a bit of a battle to schedule feeds in etc. Also activities that suited everyone that can do with a baby can be limited. But that depends if the family want to be together all the time or not.

Although saying that having family there has allowed me to do activities I wouldn't of been able to do without family being there- rock climbing, paddleboarding etc.

Not sure where the other option of staying is. But I've stayed in a villa with my family and this created difficulty keeping baby quiet on the early morning wakes. Although one morning my mum did take my 10 month old out for a walk in the early morning giving me a lie in!

You need direct pool access so you can swim right by your flat while baby naps or you can sort of be together with your partner while one swims and one sits by the water with baby, without leaving the apartment. It especially makes a huge difference when you have bigger kids too so they can swim and you can be there with baby rather than be left out as you’re back in the flat with baby.

They have pool safe gates on the terrace where we go, so baby /little children can’t get to the pool.

Have you checked that given the age of baby the hotel will allow you to have a direct access room?

I was in Turkey last year with my
children and swim up rooms were age restricted. They were also freezing in comparison to the main pools.

There seems to be a lot of misconception re swim up /direct access rooms. It is only accessible safely by adults. This also means that everything your baby or kid needs is right at hand. No schlepping back upstairs for nappy changes or naps. Also adults can play in pool whilst baby/children nap.
They are absolutely not unsafe / the only possible risk is the same as at any pool. If children/babies neglected and that's a whole different thread.

Sooo…

-They’re very set on where they want to go. So they’re clearly (and this is fine of course!) seeing this as Their Holiday Too first and foremost, and not a chance to get to come with you guys and access to baby being the main thing.

-They are close by anyway but don’t actually see the baby that much.

-As a result the baby doesn’t know them that well and won’t necessarily settle with them

They won’t be a single iota of help on the holiday, sorry. I can GUARANTEE that you will regret comprising for them. They’re clearly imagining a holiday where they do what they want, and the baby that they’re not actually tremendously bothered about helping you out with or bonding with when it’s 5 minutes down the road is not going to be their main interest on holiday. They are imagining getting to look fondly across at baby from poolside and getting some cute pics! You’re more likely to end up frustrated and left out when they won’t compromise on the late restaurant or the day out because it won’t suit baby, and they just say ‘But it’s our holiday TOO’ … just like they’re already doing.

Go alone to where you want to go. This won’t work!

As a mum of 4 I can tell you take the family every time.
First time abroad with a child is a real eye-opener!
Also, without being an over worrier, last year my husband got rushed off in an ambulance as we waited for the coach to the airport. Than god my parents were with us, our 4 boys flew home with them and I stayed. What is one of you gets ill etc? It’s daunting first time, back up for those emergencies you think will never happen is always a good thing.
My youngest is 8, we’d still go without other adults but it’s hard when they’re little!

We once went with a 7 month old, 6 year old and 9 year old…. My 7 month old became very poorly, which then passed onto my husband. That holiday was a struggle the whole way through. Beyond hard! Extra adult hands would have certainly helped.

I'd say swim up totally depends if your baby is crawling or scooting about. If they are it will be very stressful and you'll have to keep the patio doors shut anytime you're in the room. However, it will be lovely to sunbathe and have a dip when they nap! It's so hard when booking holidays as you don't know what they'll be like in the future.
Holidaying with family does mean you can go out for dinner in the evening as they can babysit. Is it worth asking them what they might see as OK for favours when on holiday? My parents would commit to roughly 1 daytime with the kids and 1 night out, then you'll know what you'll be giving up. At the moment your baby might sleep nicely in the pram if you go out, they might not at 8 mths (mine didn't, and were horrid to try and eat next to, but some babies are fine- it just depends on your baby!) It meant we could go wine tasting, visit a spa, have lunch out, go for dinner and visit some bars for cocktails - personally that suited me more than a swim up room would do. The last thing you want, is to go with family and find they're not up for any helping/babysitting though!

Also do check whether the swim up rooms allow babies/children, we tried to book one and they wouldn't allow under 12s due to the drowning risk! I'm sure plenty do, but double check

The last swim up in Mexico we had didn't have a gate, you opened the patio door and then there was a private patio area with loungers and the pool was right there, it was amazing but I would have one like that with kids, and in my experience most are like this. The patio doors were heavy, but we kept them open a lot, so a mobile baby could've just plopped off the side into the pool (if we had one, and if we weren't watching them - two big ifs!). They're basically rooms right next to private sections of pool

@PissedOff2020

I would never have been able to go on holiday then as we don't have family who can go with us.

We managed the last 17 years without any incident where we thought we couldn't survive without DD being with another person. And yes, DD was taken to doctor's surgeries and one A&E with us because I needed medical help.

I don't know anyone who takes family on each holiday for years.

I doubt that means the bottomless babysitting that you think it means.

To be honest I'm breastfeeding and don't like leaving baby with anyone too much as I do get quite anxious.

I wish they'd visit more so baby is more comfortable with them and if so then I would be too.

I'm thinking more about the help when travelling. Worried mainly about the flight and potentially being unsettled or doing a poo!

Turkey!

Interestingly, everyone I know has gone on their first holiday with their family. So I don't know if I'm missing anything with it being my first baby or underestimating how hard it might be.

I think i'm mostly worried about the flight. It's an all inclusive holiday so we wouldn't really need to leave the hotel.

I would take a pop up playpen if you can. Interestingly I first saw these for dogs ! But so useful with a crawling baby .

@Hyperquiet our first family holiday was to Turkey with just dh and our 7 month old. I found it easier than most days as had my dh around to support the childcare than he would at home (as he works long hours). The flight was easy, timed the flight with a nap. So an hour or so of the flight dd was sleeping. When I went to Lanzorote with family when she was 10 months I actually found this more difficult as she wanted to be passed back and forth on the flight to different people rather than just enjoying sitting with us.

I honestly don't know why you would need family help just because you are on holiday. You manage without them day to day by the sounds of it. I've been on many holidays with our children and just my husband. This includes a long haul flight with a 5 year old and 20 month old twins. We have also had an occassion on holiday when 1 twin needed to go to hospital. And we managed (dh took her to hospital and I stayed back with the other 2).

To me it comes down on whether you want to spend time with your extended family to have some quality time as an extended family.