Where to go with 84yo dad with Alzheimer's

[Jezzabelle]

My dad has always loved to travel but was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago. His wife now finds it too stressful to travel with him and organise everything. She would also like a break. He has asked me if I would like to go away with him and I am happy to. He is still aware, just very forgetful. I know it would be a partly caring role, although I plan to enjoy spending the time with him too and know it's probably the last time I can go away with him before his condition deteriorates. So, I'm looking for a city break for 6/7 nights. I'm thinking Europe. He has a nice house in London and he is planning to organise a house swap, (his wife will stay with her son). I just want recommendations of somewhere that feels safe with friendly locals! We love good food, good music and local history. If anyone has done similar with an elderly parent/relative, I'd love to hear your experience. Thank you!

How about something like Cadiz?

Is it possible to go somewhere he has been to before and remembers fondly? He might be disoriented by being in a different location so somewhere familiar may help.
Will you be booking an apartment rather than hotel so you can both be in the same living quarters?

Where has he been before? We traveled with DGF on similar circumstances, and places he was familiar with were best.

I was about to say that disorientation is a real issue with dementia. It was one of the first signs with my MIL when we had a family trip to another European country. She couldn't get her bearings in the house that we rented, and we nearly lost her in the airport.

Likewise my parents took my grandad in a seaside holiday on a large mobile home. He got quite agitated at times and found it hard to settle or to use the right doors on the caravan.

Both were otherwise pretty good in normal situations. But a new location and lodging was difficult for them both. Even though they'd both wanted to go. So I'm assuming they hadn't seen that coming, either.

If there is a risk he might get lost, you probably need somewhere where most people are helpful, speak English very well and generally follow traffic rules. The Hague, Copenhagen or Zurich could be good.

I honestly wouldn't recommend this, OP. Don't take him away. He'll get confused and upset.

Try a day trip somewhere close to home and see how it goes. The disorientation which dementia patients get means that holidays are probably best left in the past.

I second the above. We took my father to a hotel for a family wedding. He got very confused in the night and wandered the hotel whilst we were all sleeping.

Later, when he was in a care home, I took him out for dinner one evening. He had greatly been looking forward to it, taking with confidence to staff and residents about what he was going to eat and drink. When we got there he shrank into himself, overwhelmed and barely spoke, ate or drank at all.

He'll very likely have forgotten it though.

His wife now finds it too stressful to travel with him and organise everything.

You see? His wife can't cope with it, as it's too stressful.

She would also like a break.

I'm not surprised. But don't take him far from home for a whole week. You'll just make him worse, and you and your dad will also be very stressed by it.

Not in my experience - people with Alzheimer’s often have difficulty laying down new memories, but places they visited years ago (assuming they’re not too changed) can be very familiar .

Try something more suitable like this in uk before trying abroad https://revitalise.org.uk/respite-holidays/dementia/

Hi op
I didn't want to read and run.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My nan had alzhimers and is on her last stages. She hasn't got a clue who we all are. Personally I wouldn't take your dad for that long and if you do take him somewhere let it be local as taking someone with alzhimers/dementia can have a leading affect on them and can make them worse. It can/will be stressful for you both.

I would suggest somewhere he went as a child or in his twenties or the OP/another relative stays with him in his house and his wife goes away for some respite.

I agree with this. My dad had dementia and going anywhere new was very distressing for him- he became confused, disorientated and it was very stressful all round as I had to watch him like a hawk. He also got up in the night and tried to leave to "go home", forgetting where he was.

I really would stay in the UK, OP. It sounds like a lovely idea in theory but in practice it could turn into a nightmare.

My DM has more advanced Alzheimer’s and she absolutely loves to sit on a beach and look at the sea in any weather apart from rain.
An hour or so is enough and then she’s happy to go back to her nursing home.
A couple of years or so ago I thought about taking her on a mini cruise as she’d cruised many times in the past but then I realised this was more about me wanting a last holiday with her. When I thought it all through such as what would happen if she woke in the night but I didn’t and she fell over the balcony I knew it wasn’t a good idea.

Would you not be better in an hotel, where everything is done for you?
Perhaps inter-connecting rooms or a suite ?

We took my 84 year old FIL to Valletta - which he enjoyed a lot ( he doesn't have dementia though) a Great War museum- lots of sitting round in squares people watching. Tons of lovely historical buildings, it was cheap and the food was great-tons of English everywhere, red phone boxes etc

Until my father in law, who had dementia, became too frail to travel, he used to regularly visit his older son who lived in France. It went okay because he knew the house where they lived and the visits followed a routine pattern. He enjoyed sitting in the garden with their cats. (If he was taken to visit new friends of theirs, he became silent and ill at ease.)

He would not have enjoyed going somewhere new, because his short term memory was badly affected. He could not process and hold onto information.

I think treats need to become smaller. Short local outings. Takeaways. Trips to cafes.

This also means that if the outings/trips do not go well, then it is easy to go home and get back to familiar routines

I am sorry that this is not the answer you want, but this was what worked for us.

Based on experience it would be better if you went to stay with him in his home, had short trips out (being able to get home quite quickly) and let 'his wife' go on a much needed holiday. She will be exhausted dealing with him on a daily basis and will benefit from the break.

I think treats need to become smaller. Short local outings. Takeaways. Trips to cafes

This also means that if the outings/trips do not go well, then it is easy to go home and get back to familiar routines

This was the case with my dad too. There were days when he was quite happy and seemed very with it and then random days when he was so disorientated and distressed and the problem is- you can never predict when thats going to happen due to the fluctuating nature of dementia. If it happened whilst abroad, it would have been absolutely bloody awful. Totally agree with having shorter days out so can return home if it becomes too much for both of you. He also has the comfort then of his own bed and home which is very grounding in the midst of confusion (even if only mild)

This also means that if the outings/trips do not go well, then it is easy to go home and get back to familiar routines

Same with my DM, a coffee shop is a massive deal now, I can only just about manage it and ideally there needs to be two carers.

From personal experience, I strongly recommend going to a self-contained, all inclusive resort where he can't get lost if he wanders around. Also, we found that the staff were really good with my dad.

Do not go to a big city if he is prone to wandering. Put an apple airtag in his pocket for peace of mind.

I came across this Twitter thread just now which resonated.
https://x.com/davethompsonmd/status/1751461110430183577?s=46&t=2vTF0Q3i57cmj9vZk0Jn_w

I took my dad for 4 breaks abroad when he had dementia. Like your dad, he’d always travelled and loved going abroad. Cadiz x 2, then Lille and finally Barcelona. Varying degrees of success. The 1st Cadiz trip was a big success because his dementia was milder then, we went back 2 years later and he was getting more confused and (more difficult to manage) angry when things weren’t as he expected. For example, he couldn’t handle the fact that letter boxes are yellow in Spain not red, for some reason that made him very upset. Or that a Turkish restaurant didn’t serve “ brochettes” as he called them. Lille was easier because closer and more familiar as dad spoke ok French. The trip to Barcelona nearly broke me though.
Lille might be good if you’re in the South East as it’s just 1 1/2 hours away from St Pancras and is a compact, easily navigated city. Train is less overwhelming than airports.
The upside of Spain for me was that people are pretty tolerant there and even respectful of families so when dad behaved a little oddly no one really seemed fussed.

6-7 nights is a long time if it isn't working out.

Even without the dementia, you need to consider how fit he is. I took my elderly parents away when they were still quite fit and found all they were up for was sitting around the cottage and going to the pub.