Taking children on holiday following my ex-husbands death

[Lovelyshoes]

The moderators just removed my previous post because it was "outing". I had written it with changed details so that it was not an identifiable situation, so thats annoying. Anyway -

My ex husband died 2 days ago after taking his own life. I am due to be going abroad on holiday with my 4 kids on Thursday for a week, and I don't know what to do for the best. I'm very sad too, but the divorce (4yrs ago) was messy, and the circumstances are messy.

They are all devastated and dealing with things slightly differently. They had been so looking forward to their holiday - their Dad was coming too.

What would you do?

Thanks

Jane

I would take them as long as they won't miss the funeral. They will be grieving wherever they are but they will not be surrounded by grief if that makes sense?
Look after yourself too as you will be grieving aswell

I'd go too, if they still want to. Changing plans last minute might be even more unsettling for them.

Go.

Do they want to still go?

You said the last post it was your friend In this situation

Why sign it?

When is the funeral? If it is once you are back I would get away on holiday. Why was your ex coming on holiday if your split was messy?

Very sad, OP, sorry you are dealing with this.

How old (roughly) are the children, and what do they want to do?

Have you got travel insurance that would enable you to cancel and reclaim to take them away at another time?

It would be a different holiday, but spending time together can only be a good thing.

Unless they are of an age where spending time with friends will be important in their grief and shock. And I guess it depends what kind of holiday. Action packed Disney Florida, maybe too much for them.

If all seems ok I would think go on holiday.

3 do, but 1 doesn't (one of the youngest). The youngest 2 are particularly clingy anyway. They are very sad and shocked, as am I. I have loads to do and think about, not least the loss of maintenance and the financial pressure I will have. I dont know what financial arrangements he will have made. He'd been depressed for some time but in work part time, and our relationship has been strained.

I think we should still go, but I'm worried that if one or more of them has a meltdown abroad, it will be really difficult to manage without other adults to help

Its not a great situation at all. I can't give too many details as the moderators will likely remove my post again, as I'm potentially "outing" myself and my children. Suicide doesn't work like that though, local people know, but its not been in the press and seems to be a common occurrence anyway.

The youngest are under 11 and are twin girls. Then girl 13, and boy a few years older. All loved their Dad but had different levels of engagement with him.

I have supportive friends and lots of family around me. The kids dont really want to talk at the moment and are very quiet and sad.

The holiday is all inclusive, small sunny resort. I could cancel, but we couldn't go again until Easter due to school difficulties

he was going because he paid for half of it, and couldn't take them away separately due to his problems. We got on, but it was difficult. I couldn't afford to pay for it all on my own

I’d postpone until Easter then, if that’s possible. AI will be full of families and lots of noise and busyness - they don’t want to have to explain their loss lots of times to lots of new people, for see lots of happy families right now.

going at Easter will slow some time to pass and give you all a chance to enjoy it without the rawness.

You should go. It maybe positive for your children to get away prior to the funeral.

Thanks for your advice - yes, thats what I was thinking. Meeting lots of new people, having to talk to them and explain, general awkwardness, questions, seeing others being happy, perhaps other families avoiding us to keep away from our 'problems', there are so many things that could go wrong

I wouldn’t go everything is raw and with pending funeral emotions can build

also holidays can be quite pressured as your together 24/7 we all need a bit of space and able to breathe

I think if it was a choice of lose all the money or go, I'd probably go.

But if you can rearrange to another time this seems sensible . No point in forced enjoyment if you can have the real thing next year. Don't put yourself under extra pressure you don't need.

Providing the OP is properly insured I can see insurance covering cancellation in the event of the death of the children's father and if the holiday is with a tour operator they will probably allow the OP to move it. They're usually pretty good in these kinds of circumstances.

I think it would be hard to be on a vacation he was meant to be on just days after he died. Some of the kids might have a very hard time imagining him there or knowing he paid for half and they can't enjoy it given their grief.

It just seems really soon. When is the funeral?

I think the next while will be a rollercoaster of emotions and might be better to be closer to home and to supports. I would probably postpone.

id go but why don’t you ask all of them if they still want to go and explain that you’ll do what ever they want to do and are happy to do so. You will then make a joint decision and know what everyone is thinking.

you are going to feel sad whereher you are but you get quality time and special time with your babies at this hard time.

I think if you can push it to Easter I would do that.

AI will likely be overwhelming right now, on top of the fact they might just want to curl up with you.

A holiday at Easter will be a good time, as you will all be coming out of that first intense 6 months, and it will be a welcome breathing space.

Can you claim off your insurance if you don't go?