Holiday booked - DD fear of flying

[BlueRaspberry7]

We have a holiday to Majorca booked for 11 July.

Our kids have never flown but youngest (11) was very keen that we booked this holiday. Our first family holiday abroad.

She has since become very anxious about the flight. Crying every night. Can't look up at a plane. Saying she can't do it basically, and is very upset with herself. Classic anxiety/fear of loss of control behaviour. She is a fairly anxious/ high emotions child.

Booked us on a fearless flyer course which she started to engage with, then backed out and wouldn't even consider doing the short experience flight. Now saying she's sorry but just can't go on the holiday.

She has a dr appointment on Friday to discuss. we're getting close to the date and need to make a decision. Wwyd?

1. Try and get her on the plane - maybe with medication if that's offered? Maybe she'll conquer her fear?

1. Cancel holiday and try and claim insurance on medical grounds

1. Still go and take oldest daughter and leave youngest with grandma. Elder daughter doesn't really want to do this.

My DS is very nervous of flying and he developed that when he was about your daughter's age but he's been flying since he was a toddler so although he gets very anxious he is familiar with the whole process and routine of getting on a plane and he also knows how nice it is to go on holiday so manages to keep his fear under control.

Have you looked at the online courses like this one. It would probably help to familiarise her with planes in general.

Or you could try and get her some hypnotherapy? I doubt doctor will prescribe medication for an 11 year old.

I’m sorry this all sounds so difficult!

I have a terrible fear of flying (developed in adulthood) and am trying to get over it at the moment. I’ve managed three flights recently with minimal panic which has been big for me.

Have you found out if option 2 is possible, ie whether you can claim on the insurance?

I have found the best thing for my fear of flying is flying, ie not avoiding it. But I realise I’m an adult and can rationalise my panic and anxiety symptoms a bit more than I could have at 11.

Is she able to verbalise what is causing the fear?

I’ve tried focussing on it being two or three horrible hours but I get a lovely week out of it. I know I can manage feeling horrible for two or three hours (although it never is feeling truly horrible the whole time, rather quite anxious in the airport, intense anxiety when getting on the flight and during take off but calming down when at altitude).

We’re back and forth to Mallorca a lot. Flight time there is approximately 1 hour 50 minutes from LGW . Where will you be flying from? It is a nice short flight and good for a first flight for your children.

I am ex Cabin crew and DC are 7 and 12.

Definitely do not cancel. I have the most horrible anxiety disorder but amazingly love to fly and it doesn’t bother me but I fully understand anxiety and how debilitating and crippling it can be.
I know it because I too have it.
My children are great flyers but then they do it a lot , so are used to it.

You say your children have never flown and this is part of the problem- the unknown.
I would try to determine the trigger- is it being up in the sky/ fear of crashing / claustrophobia/ can’t get off/ plane sounds etc?

Definitely go to the Drs appointment and see what/ if any medication can be given.

Talk about the worries but don’t force your child to look at planes.

The flight radar app is good in terms of seeing in reality how many planes are in the sky. You can type in your route- and look at the country you are travelling over to get there.

Talk about it as being a mode of transport. Literally that.

What are you doing when you get there?
Where are you staying?

We do lots of snorkelling there ( my children recently saw a huge octopus 🐙) .. you could talk about swimming, the food , hotel and things you are going to see and how exciting it is going to be.

Headphones are great for the plane. They drown out engine aircraft engine noise and are good for watching a screen too ( films/ music etc - definitely take this ).
This might be something to consider.

Talk to staff on the gate pre boarding ( they may possibly speak to the crew and then they’ll be really aware of how your child is feeling when you board and can offer support).

We don’t fly back for a few weeks - shame we aren’t out from the same airport on the same day.

Good luck.. pm if I can be of any more help.

I definitely wouldn't cancel. I would acknowledge her worries but not allow them to take over and ruin everyone else's experience. What are the specifics she's worried about?

I would try and stick to the facts and make the process as enjoyable and stress free as possible. Flying is extremely safe. Agree looking at flight radar might help put things into perspective.

Who are you flying with? Can you pay extra to reduce any security and boarding queues so there's less tension and panic in general. Let her choose her own seat on the plane map - I used to prefer a window seat so I could see what was happening and explain away any bumps with my own made up reasoning. Definitely speak to ground and cabin crew.

I wouldn't get to the airport too early as it'll just allow longer to stew on it, but don't leave it late enough for there to be any air of tension in the rest of the group.

Definitely sit with her and make plans for what you can do once you arrive. Even if she's still scared, it's a short flight. Shorter than many films. Download some netflix things for her so she can be distracted the entire time. A really short time being nervous but brave will allow her to have a lovely holiday.

I'd probably avoid medicating if possible.

I’d really try to help her go. Talk to her about the facts, how safe flying is (much safer than being in a car…). Discuss ways to help for example having headphones with podcast / download Tv shows to a tablet so she’s distracted. I’d really avoid medication, especially for such a short flight. Can you pay to chose a seat/for early boarding etc so it’s a nicer experience overall.

Yes and sit together for sure… board early if you can and make it as calm an experience as possible.
Choose a present in WHSmith- book from favourite author? A nice drink from a nice coffee shop in the airport?
Lots of distraction techniques and strategies.
Good luck

That's such a shame - I did that course and every single one of us made the experience flight - one tried to get off once they'd shut the doors but he stayed on and was so happy he did. The flight did more to allay my fears than the day did tbh as the spare pilot talked us through exactly every teeny thing that was happening - both physical and sounds. So now I bore everyone I fly with about what is happening all the time.

Have you looked to see if there's you tube videos of the same? Tbf though if she's not actually flown before it sounds like it's her anxiety that's 'latched onto' flying as an outlet but could just as easily be anything else - so hopefully the Dr can help.

There's some great you tube relaxation/breathing videos - stop the physical symptoms racing out of control.

Ultimately though I think you need to say that she can't make anyone else miss the holiday and just suck it up - the more she allows the anxiety to dictate the more it reinforces the 'issue' - it's also just not fair.

Once you accept anxiety and plough on anyway (slowly, carefully) it's grip is most definitely lessened.

Good luck

Thanks for such helpful replies.

Her trigger is not about safety. It's that it's just wrong for people to be so high up. She says if planes had legs down to the ground she'd be fine with the idea. I've gone through the technical part of the Fearless Flyer course with her.

My personal fear is that if we get her on the plane, she then starts panicking and screaming to get off as soon as we take off. That's my own anxiety and avoidance pattern showing up though.

I really want to help her conquer this but she is adamant now that she's isn't going. And we haven't been consistent as parents in saying that she is going.

This is so hard!! Just want to enjoy a holiday but with one ASD child and one very expressive/emotional one it's not proving straightforward.

not as severe but my 8 yo is really not keen on flying. We did get him on a plane last year and have another flight in august...prior to last year he had been a few times but pre pandemic so too young to really remember.

Anyway he seems resigned to his fate but often tells me how worried he is. Things suggested above like a picture of the plane or one like it, checking out the route on flightradar app, choosing a seat - these all give an element of control which helps. On he day he will be zoned out on his tablet while we are waiting to get on and then again as soon as we've taken off.

A neigbhour has a daughter who is 11, she's very prone to anxiety and as a family they've struggled to deal with the impact it has on the rest of the family. They were going to try and force her on a plane this summer but at the last minute booked a cruise (departing from UK) instead. Admittedly if the holiday is booked and paid for and was her suggestion it sounds a lot more difficult. As an absolute worst case scenario I would leave her with grandma and take the older daughter. But don't suggest at the moment that that is an option.

rather than be insistent that she comes on holiday I think I would be more insistent on her doing the fear of flying flight if that is still an option. As I suspect that will sort it.

I would probably go down the medication route, nothing strong/prescription but something like Bach Rescue remedy or CBD which can help with anxiety - and even if it doesn’t, it might have a placebo effect. Agree headphones and a tablet with her favourite shows downloaded will also help, a lot. Maybe start it right from arrival at the airport (only unplug her for security checks).

I agree I would be trying to get her on the plane somehow. It will help her for future life not just this holiday. I don’t think she will freak out once on board - obviously can’t guarantee this but my DD has strong anxieties and they are always worst before, not during the experience.

I would try and get her on the holiday as as she hasn't been on a flight yet she doesn't know if she will actually like it or not, and if she avoids trying it the fear will build up more. Warn the airline in advance so that hopefully they can have a member of staff ready to welcome her and make a fuss of her. Once she is actually on the plane and it has taken off she will probably find it fascinating. I probably wouldn't have booked the fear of flying course as it might put ideas in her head she hasn't thought of. If you are feeling anxious about how she will be on the plane I suggest you sit with your older child and put your daughter with Dad sitting separately by a window with a bag of things to do eg ipad, pack of cards, sweets to munch.

I would talk as little as possible about the flight and talk more about the holiday and the things she can look forward to doing once there.

I used to love flying but then started worrying about it as an adult and the less I fly the more the worry builds up. However fortunately I had travelled extensively before the worry set in. It would be a shame for your daughter to miss out on international travel.

You poor things!

I totally agree with her. It's an absurd concept.

I have a terrible fear of flying and believe it or not, I travel for my job. I'm actually abroad now and flying back tomorrow.

Unfortunately, because my anxiety is also linked to the fact that I believe people shouldn't fly, it's quite hard to get rid of it. I address it by flying often as I now do it so often, it just feels like getting on a train or getting in a car. I actively do not think how high we are when we are up there - I never sit by the window, I sit in the aisle and I download a film and watch that. The only thing that can slightly panic me is the fear that I can't get off but I think of the M25 or the M3 and the big gaps between junctions or a long train journey.

So I would see if you can get her to do the short flight if only to see how she can manage her anxiety. Can she sit in the aisle, think of a train or a long car journey, focus on something else and just do it.

Fingers crossed you can find something that works and pls tell her I feel her pain!

PS. I would also prepare yourself for the fact your DD will probably be raising this issue daily until you go but it is worth going through this as if she gets on the plane and find she likes it the pre holiday stress will have been worth it. If she really doesn't like flying after trying it there are lots of family holidays you can do without flying eg. you could take the ferry to Spain.

Do try to get her there. Focus on the end goal ie. A happy holiday in the sun she has helped choose and what you can do there rather than the journey. Maybe find a mindfulness app or practice relaxation techniques, take an ipad/phone so she can listen to music, audiobook or a favourite film approximately the same length as the flight.

I also agree with others, what is worst for the fear is not flying at all. It's why I make myself do it. If you don't do it, it will become this huge monster and you really don't want that

I also doubt the doctor will prescribe anything but if he/she won't, ask for some phenergan. You can take it for travel sickness but it also has a sedating quality. It might help her if she's feeling sick from the anxiety and calm her down.

As an aside I recommend these

https://www.amazon.co.uk/EarPlanes-Original-Earplugs-Filtering-Protection/dp/B0849562BY/ref=asc_df_B0849562BY/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=535228085039&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=287721678965146251&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045711&hvtargid=pla-1412591333972&psc=1

They are really good to help with ear pain when the plane descends. My older DS dislikes flying and alot of it was the ear pain he got.

If GP can't give anything for the anxiety and she can't do the course I couldn't do it to my child and would cancel.

Flying seems to be the only fear that people try to get others to push through, I have no idea why. No one goes up to someone with a rat phobia and says "here just touch this pet rat you'll be fine how do you know you're scared if you've never done it" or Someone with a button phobia (my friend) "just button up this shirt you need to get over it".

I would cancel or leave her home. She will be able to address the fear later in her life but you can't force a child out of anxiety on a short timeframe.

If she says no on the day will you force her screaming? The staff will not allow that presumably.

To add to my previous comment about earplanes.

My older DS is afraid of flying- but he has done alot of it in his time so it's not about being afraid of the unknown.

We cancelled our holiday last year to Greece in the end because of it. The GP would not prescribe medication.

What i then did is I did some 'practice' flights with him..... a 40-ish minute flight to Guernsey from southampton for example; then another to Jersey last year. It was all designed to allow him to become accustomed to it, they were short enough for him to cope with and if it all went horribly wrong we could simply get a ferry home. (The problem is he is afraid of boats as well).

We are trying Greece this year and fingers crossed. But the little ones really helped.

So it might be an idea to leave her home this year or all cancel and do a much smaller flight? It may not help at all of course, but this was how we have tried to deal with things. DS could not do a 4 hour flight but the thought of a 40-ish minute flight for him was something he could cope with.

very very best of luck.

I read about a mum on here recently who took her son, who was concerned about flying, on a shirt flight to Scotland for lunch and then returned home. Would that help? Just the two of you on a quiet flight without all the anx of holiday airport craziness?

I feel for her, I hate flying BUT I still fly with the help of hypnotherapy, diazepam and wine! I know the week before we’re due to fly there will be a new story about a plane that’s dropped 20000ft.

I have a little airport ritual now. Stay the night before to avoid rushing, arrive in plenty of time to eat and have some wine and a look around the shops. Head to the plane early so I can settle (get movies on my phone etc). I still feel on edge but I’m more relaxed.

The main thing that keeps me going is that I don’t want to miss out on seeing the World. It’s a necessary evil but I try and see it as part of the holiday.

I hope your daughter finds some resolution.