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After advice - sharing apartment with in laws

18 replies

GLC789 · 05/05/2023 21:11

My husband and I are in our first year of marriage. We're going on holiday soon with his parents. I adore my in laws. But, we are all sharing the same apartment for 10 days. I'm a massive introvert. But my mum in law in particular just doesn't seem to get this and can be quite overbearing and likes to be in charge and control every minute of every day, despite me telling her several times that I get overwhelmed by too much conversation and having my quiet space interrupted.

I'm normally good at masking it and putting on a brave face. But I'm not sure I can hold myself together for 10 whole days. In previous holidays, we've always done hotels with our seperate rooms. So I had that resbite daily to unwind.

My hubby says he understands but i can appreciate how difficult it will be for him if I lose it. His parents are in their late 70s (but can, run rings around most 50yr olds physically) . But mentally , they don't really understand mental health, anxiety etc. So he finds it hard to explain to them why I need space.

Has anyone been in this position before, how did you cope? Any advice welcome!

OP posts:
rainraingoawaay · 05/05/2023 21:14

Sounds tough OP! Can you invent a reason each day to get out of the apartment? A walk one day, a trip to the supermarket the next, a phone call with a family member another time?

Pallisers · 05/05/2023 21:20

God, I don't think I could go on holidays for 10 days with anyone but dh and kids. Please get your dh on board that you will not be doing the same things all day every day and that the 2 of you will have a few dinners or lunches on your own.

Maybe spend some time in your room and ask dh to be outside talking to them while you are on your own. Or offer to go get some groceries and have a coffee.

i'd find this hard and I'm an extrovert.

GLC789 · 05/05/2023 21:23

rainraingoawaay · 05/05/2023 21:14

Sounds tough OP! Can you invent a reason each day to get out of the apartment? A walk one day, a trip to the supermarket the next, a phone call with a family member another time?

Omg that's a great shout! I'll be the darling daughter in law who goes to grab a pint of milk every day!! 😂. Thank you!

OP posts:
GLC789 · 05/05/2023 21:26

Pallisers · 05/05/2023 21:20

God, I don't think I could go on holidays for 10 days with anyone but dh and kids. Please get your dh on board that you will not be doing the same things all day every day and that the 2 of you will have a few dinners or lunches on your own.

Maybe spend some time in your room and ask dh to be outside talking to them while you are on your own. Or offer to go get some groceries and have a coffee.

i'd find this hard and I'm an extrovert.

I deffo need to sit him down and explain a few things... One thing for sure, I am absolutely not doing the deed with him while his parents are the other side of a just a thin wall!!!

The last thing I want is to explode and cause an atmosphere!

Thank you for these tips xx

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 05/05/2023 21:28

Go for a run, or walk. Take headphones and listen to a podcast or music. Read a book, sit in your room or by the pool. Just be honest, if she’s chatting away and filling the air with too much chatter, just say “I need a lie down, a bit a down town” and go off on your own.

rainraingoawaay · 05/05/2023 21:29

@GLC789

That was my tactic!! I did two weeks with the PIL - god love them, they don't understand the need to not be in each others pockets.

I used to offer to do everything - go pick up milk, loo roll, grab everyone a coffee in the morning, pick up the takeaway etc 😂

My MIL actually told my now DH I was the most helpful person - it kept me sane, and I really like my PIL so wouldn't have wanted to snap (I'm ND and not great in forced proximity!) and ruin the relationship. It was a great help, now they know be better they understand I need my alone time.

Pringleface · 05/05/2023 21:36

I wouldn’t be sharing a holiday apartment with my in-laws in the first place. Mil has occasionally made noises about us going on holiday together but it’s a total non-starter for me. I like my own space and doing my own thing whereas mil is overbearing and can’t sit down and relax for a second.

You’re going to have to be pretty upfront about how you spend your time together and separately, plus expectations around privacy and sharing of communal space. I don’t get the feeling from your posts however that you’ll do that because you will feel it’s confrontational so I think you’ll have to resign yourself to having an unhappy and stressful holiday.

GLC789 · 05/05/2023 21:37

rainraingoawaay · 05/05/2023 21:29

@GLC789

That was my tactic!! I did two weeks with the PIL - god love them, they don't understand the need to not be in each others pockets.

I used to offer to do everything - go pick up milk, loo roll, grab everyone a coffee in the morning, pick up the takeaway etc 😂

My MIL actually told my now DH I was the most helpful person - it kept me sane, and I really like my PIL so wouldn't have wanted to snap (I'm ND and not great in forced proximity!) and ruin the relationship. It was a great help, now they know be better they understand I need my alone time.

I'm ND too! But being in their 70s they just don't get it, and I doubt they ever will bless them. I adore the bones of them both but yea, I gotta have my bloody space daily. Thank you again, your tactics are gonna save me from wrecking the holiday lol!! X

OP posts:
GLC789 · 05/05/2023 21:38

fruitbrewhaha · 05/05/2023 21:28

Go for a run, or walk. Take headphones and listen to a podcast or music. Read a book, sit in your room or by the pool. Just be honest, if she’s chatting away and filling the air with too much chatter, just say “I need a lie down, a bit a down town” and go off on your own.

❤️❤️

OP posts:
Muppetshair · 08/05/2023 00:10

Don’t feel that you are obligated to them - they probably feel similar - they will want their own space as that’s how they live already. They don’t need or expect you to be attentive 24/7.

Q I have is what are you and your DH getting out of this holiday?

Can you all agree a timetable where each day you have either a morning, afternoon or evening as a couple? That’s quite a normal thing to do?

BeeBB · 08/05/2023 08:06

This would be way too much for me I really couldn’t cope.

The only way this could possibly work at all is if you with DH’s help set up boundaries or your stall in advance and say you will go but couldn’t cope with being on top of one another for 10 days and nights however much like them.

So sometimes, some days or some nights you may just want to sit quietly on your own reading or relax and not talk much other days you and DP may fancy a night out on your own or a day trip out and equally so will you and we won’t mind so we all need some space etc etc.

rookiemere · 08/05/2023 08:45

Why on earth did you agree to this ? Much better to have your own space in this situation.

SwedishEdith · 08/05/2023 08:52

Are they paying for you? Can't understand why you'd agree to this otherwise.

GLC789 · 08/05/2023 11:19

SwedishEdith · 08/05/2023 08:52

Are they paying for you? Can't understand why you'd agree to this otherwise.

It's cut the cost of the holiday in half. I offered to pay extra for our own space but they were insistent we shared (honestly my MIL is a force to be reckoned with when she has made up her mind). I have since spoken to the Hubby and boundaries have been agreed and set. We have planned our own nights and he has even planned for him to go out with them from time to time while u have alone time. I'm feeling much better about it all now! X

OP posts:
GLC789 · 08/05/2023 11:20

rookiemere · 08/05/2023 08:45

Why on earth did you agree to this ? Much better to have your own space in this situation.

Agreed! Thankfully after advice from m here hubby and I have made agreements to ensure we have our space x

OP posts:
GLC789 · 08/05/2023 11:20

BeeBB · 08/05/2023 08:06

This would be way too much for me I really couldn’t cope.

The only way this could possibly work at all is if you with DH’s help set up boundaries or your stall in advance and say you will go but couldn’t cope with being on top of one another for 10 days and nights however much like them.

So sometimes, some days or some nights you may just want to sit quietly on your own reading or relax and not talk much other days you and DP may fancy a night out on your own or a day trip out and equally so will you and we won’t mind so we all need some space etc etc.

❤️

OP posts:
GLC789 · 08/05/2023 11:21

Muppetshair · 08/05/2023 00:10

Don’t feel that you are obligated to them - they probably feel similar - they will want their own space as that’s how they live already. They don’t need or expect you to be attentive 24/7.

Q I have is what are you and your DH getting out of this holiday?

Can you all agree a timetable where each day you have either a morning, afternoon or evening as a couple? That’s quite a normal thing to do?

Answer to your q - last week I really wasn't sure what was in it for us, not gonna lie 😂😂. Now, after setting some boundaries, I'm starting to look forward to it! X

OP posts:
Muppetshair · 08/05/2023 13:22

GLC789 · 08/05/2023 11:21

Answer to your q - last week I really wasn't sure what was in it for us, not gonna lie 😂😂. Now, after setting some boundaries, I'm starting to look forward to it! X

That’s great that you are noticing and then attending to your own needs by expressing your preferences.

Boundaries are important - IME most people are quite happy and accepting when they can see where they are - what goes wrong is everyone just putting up with stuff, repressing and then becoming resentful which is unnecessary and will seep out into the relationship at some point.

It’s oppressive to be in someone else’s company 24/7 if you aren’t usually. I am sure they will be relieved and pleased as well and your relationship and time together will be better quality.

Savour that sense of relief and do more listening and honouring your needs and boundary setting.

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