AIBU - family holiday and family don't spend time with us.

[Bishbashbosh123]

Hi All,

AIBU?

We have recently had a family holiday with my husband's family (long weekend away in the UK) - MIL, two brothers, their partners and one little baby. We have a toddler and I'm currently pregnant so could be hormones playing a role in this but I am feeling really angry and hurt. Since coming away we haven't spent anytime with the wider family, they have gone off to do their own things - which include sitting in pubs eating long lunches or drinking. We have done more kid friendly stuff separately and I understand that people don't always want to do that. But one day we suggested a picnic lunch somewhere as people didn't "have any plans", an hour later they had all decided to go for lunch and then a vineyard, obviously we could have joined but just not toddler friendly and would have been more hassle for us than enjoyment. We have fed our toddler separately because there is no understanding of toddler mealtimes, which is fine but we had a meal out one evening where we didn't sit down until 7pm because everyone wanted a drink beforehand and then people wanted starters so it didn't finish until 9pm. My BIL then said that me and my husband were "manic" because we were desperately trying to entertain an overtired, hungry toddler!

I just don't feel welcome and feel like they don't want to spend any time with us. I feel we are a fun family to be around, don't take ourselves too seriously, up for a laugh, we easily make friends so not used to people not wanting to spend time with us. To give a bit of background, last year, my BIL called me and my husband freeloaders because he thought we were taking advantage of my MIL - she babysits maybe once a month (if that) and we send the dog to kennels where she works once a week - on these days she walks him and offers to drop him back. Occasionally she will have him overnight if we are desperate. I've never asked for this, this is all arranged by my husband and his mother often offers help, but interestingly my BIL waited until my husband and MIL were asleep that night and laid into me on my one night to enjoy myself. Still hurt by comments, but feel I have been forgiving to him (not my usual nature 🤣).

Anyway, feeling angry and hurt by this holiday and already thinking next year will be even worse as we will also have a baby (if BIL thinks we are manic now we will be extra manic next year). What does everyone else think? If you think IABU please be kind I'm already hormonal and upset.

Im sorry youre feeling hurt and left out, thats rotten and a hard feeling to overcome, but I really do think youre being a bit self absorbed and taking it all a bit too personally. I agree with a previous poster who said it was a case of mismatched expectations and holiday styles. To be honest, as an adult whose kids are bigger, I kind of see where they are coming from. Their side of the holiday...long lunches, trips to vineyard, late relaxed dinners etc sounds far more fun and holiday-like than having the whole holiday revolve around fish fingers and 5pm dinners for a toddler. I would resent having to march to the nursery drum when Id spent presumably a fair whack of money and my annual leave on the holiday. I think maybe this would work if you could be a bit more flexible around your little ones routine - maybe without realising it you make everything about the toddler and it becomes a bit of a fun sponge eg lets do x....oh but what about Jack's mealtime/nap/car seat etc etc etc. Only guessing, but I do remember those early days when I saw everything through the lens of what my kids wanted and needed and kind of lost sight of the big picture of other peoples needs for a while.

I think you're having the disadvantage of having the first grandchild. Obviously the brothers and their partners won't get it yet, most of us don't until we hit the toddler years ourselves, and even the ones with the baby aren't there yet. Then with the parents there have been countless threads on here over the years of grandparents who have forgotten how full on these years are.

Next year that baby will be s toddler too and you'll have another baby a well. Year by year the balance will tip. It's difficult to balance what adults want from a holiday with what toddlers need and you're unfortunately in the minority for now.

Your BIL sounds like a complete dick.

This is why we have never gone on an extended family holiday. Everyone has very different ideas of a perfect holiday and that's as it should be. Just enjoy your own family on holidays and make your own memories.

This is going to sound harsh but your toddler is not their toddler. It's perfectly natural for them to not want to spend a lot of time with some one else's child so try not to take it personally. I know you're family but they are individuals with their own lives which do not revolve around small children. Yours does, but they've gained some freedom now and are just enjoying a new stage of their life now and you have to respect that.

You will get to the to the other side of this too - where your kid is bigger and better able to handle routine being thrown up in the air. Maybe Wanker BIL will have his own babies by then, and he'll be the one walking up & down the road outside the restaurant trying to get his over-tired kid to sleep in the buggy :D

Next year there will be 2 toddlers and a baby, the BIL and SIL with the baby will also want too do toddler focused things so you will be able to 'gang up' with them. You will also find as the kids get a little older and less boring that your MIL will also want to spend more time with them. The mean BIL will then be in the minority!! Just hold out a couple of years and things will all change!

It's hard when there is such a mismatch with routines and expectations. I agree with a PP who said that the balance will tip, in time, to be more child-focussed as more grandchildren arrive. Probably at that point the dick-BIL will opt out!

Also OP, you know your child best. The suggestions of a toddler sitting quietly in a pub in their pushchair at 9pm made me chuckle... mine would never have done that. However, others do, and you don't know if you don't try it. There are points when give and take is needed, you are not wrong/mad/manic, there are just points where a toddler cannot bend to fit with the adult's routine and it's best to accept you tried but this dinner/outing/trip aint gonna happen! Personally I'd ditch these trips for now, they don't sound fun. Do trips instead with just the BIL who has the baby and and see how they go.

I am going on an extended family holiday this year; I plan to spend as little time as possible doing jolly group activities.

Your BIL will probably be the one to demand child friendly holidays once he has his own as well.

Thanks everyone for all of your replies, helpful to hear everyone's views. I do understand that being around a toddler is not what people want to do and I'm trying to not take it personally and shake off the hurt/angry feeling. Probably won't go again as I didn't enjoy it (because I was oversensitive to being left out and couldn't shake the feelings of hurt) and from photos/activities etc, we may as well not have been there! They can enjoy their adult holiday next year and we can use our time/money to do something that suits us!

This. If I went on vacation I wouldn’t want to alter everything for a toddler/little kid. It’s not my idea of a vacation.

Tbf to OP, I do think it's a bit harsh if they have not tried to include her family at all, in anything? I would have thought that at least grandparents would want to spend some time with their grandson.

However, I do agree with others that there are ways to join in with elements of it - eg lunch and visit to a vineyard, surely that's suitable for a toddler? I would have attended that.

It seems like maybe it's just a mismatch of expectations - they probably thought you'd be able to join in with what they're doing OP, and you've assumed they'd be more accommodating to child-friendly stuff.

So how old was is his baby? Are they joining in the family activities?

I've just booked a holiday for us, our adult DCs, their partners and our one grandchild, who will be 2 and a half when we go. So 6 adults and one toddler. I fully expect the week to largely revolve around grandchilds needs and schedule and we're all very happy with that. Your DH's family seem a bit mean.

Then when booking a holiday that includes a toddler at least be honest and say Hey son, why don't you come alone because we can't be bothered making any effort to spend time with your kid, they're basically an inconvenience. Or just don't invite them. Oh we didn't ask you as we didn't think your child would get much out of an adult holiday

Going on holiday with a people who have kids is my idea of hell, you go on holiday to have fun & I certainly wouldn’t want to be eating dinner according to a toddlers schedule. I think it’s unreasonable for someone to think otherwise but just my opinion.

You could of joined in more if you wanted , holidays don't have to be all routine and i would of eaten out later once in a while with mine when little
You want different holidays so don't do a joint one again
But its not unreasonable of them to enjoy their holiday as well
Bil comments were out of order and What did your DH say to him and did you tell your MIL
Personally if ny bil had told ne this I would of told him where to go and to have the conversation with dh and mil , and made them all aware of his comments and asked if they were true and she felt put upon

It all sounds quite familiar, OP. When we would go on holiday to see PIL their sunny part of the world they simply refused to accept that our babies/toddlers needed to eat their tea and 5pm and go to sleep at 7pm, or they would be overtired, screaming nightmares. MIL would huff if I made them dinner early (myself, not requiring her to interrupt her aperitif), making a big deal about why the kids couldn't just eat with the adults, realistically starting between 8.30-9pm, then keep them up to play until 11pm 'like the local children'. She just couldn't fathom that they woke at 5.30/6am (utterly exhausted) regardless of what time we put them down - they don't sleep in like older children might.

In later years they just started doing their own thing with child-free BIL and SIL, much as you describe, not joining in with anything we suggested. Painful as it is, it's more important for them to get up late, go to the beach at the hottest bit of the day, have their long apero and then dinner at 9pm than it is to bond with the grandchildren or include us.

This is going to sound harsh but your toddler is not their toddler. It's perfectly natural for them to not want to spend a lot of time with some one else's child so try not to take it personally but this isn't some random toddler, it's their grandchild/nephew. We always doted on our neices and nephews and now we dote on our grandchild - I thought that was quite normal, but it seems not.

Baby is 10 weeks, they joined everyone else. It was just us on our own.

Family holidays with extended family only work if everyone agrees on doing their own thing and you just join the main group for small periods of time
they wanted all the activities on an adult holiday
you obviously cannot join, need toddler friendly activities
I’ve been there… it’s hard… my extended family really loves DD, but in a very Instagram-friendly way, once the pics are out of the way we’re the ones dealing with her…
honestly the only way is accept to “join” if there are toddler friendly activities and agree on a couple of meals when you’ll see them
do you own plans and “invite” people - you’ll get more people to join if they see there’s a plan and you’re going regardless than if you wait for them to think of child friendly activities they will enjoy

We go on extended family holidays and there is now a toddler in the mix. People do a mixture of things but certainly for a group meal the toddlers parents would be consulted as to the best time to eat and if people wanted a drink they could just have one afterwards.

Your BIL just sounds nasty and enjoys stirring - mine can be quite similar but would at least prioritise the needs of DCs on most occasions.