Teen holiday angst

[girlofthenorth]

This should probably be in AIBU But I think I need to sound off and possibly get some advice about how to handle this. I don't know if I am being unreasonable but I'm happy to be told I am, but gently.

We booked our one and only holiday this year to northern Spain, to a resort we all like. Me, DH , DD15 and DD 18.

DD15 is autistic and anxious and so happy DD18 wanted to go - holiday paid for travel plans made and paid for including hotel on the way, dates fixed around both children's need to go to a local festival. As this is a really big thing for them we said okay.

DD18 now has partner living in area , and doesn't want to be without them for the holiday . Will miss and pine and now saying can't be bothered to go on holiday .

I am fuming as money down the drain probably 250-300 so not a huge amount to some people but to us it's a lot . Also length of holiday would have been different plus travel plans . Due to DD18 being the main one who wanted to go to festival - DD15 could have persuaded .

Not to mention disappointment to DD15 who has no friends to bring .

I know if I get angry about the situation it might not go the way I want it to but equally I'm not sure if I want the old IDD to be so key on holiday. I'm not really sure which way to go with this – i.e. say no it's fine just leave it don't worry, don't come but you'll have to pay some of the money back as money is a stretch for us, or say she has to come now we have made plans and put up with sulking . She's supposed to be an adult but acting like a 10 year old !
Help!

Sorry typos - should read
Not sure if I want older DD to be sulky on holiday

Agh sorry - Also one bit of background is that DD18 has a physical chronic condition which causes her anxiety when she has symptoms so she's saying now partner close by she doesn't need to be away with us in case she feels anxious . So I feel extra mean ....

I'd make her go. Tell her its not fair on you or her sister. If she agreed to it, then she has to honour her commitment. and not to be sulky. I know this is easier said than done....

To be honest I’d leave her if she can refund you the money. No one should be dragged on holiday especially at 18 but obviously she needs to understand her place in the holiday will cost her.

Alternatively is her friend able to pay to come along .Maybe with the two of them staying elsewhere?
Is there a cousin or something for the 15 year old , to use up the spare space?

If she wants to be treated as an adult then she can act like one. She was given a choice, she made a commitment. Tbh I would be very matter of fact and tell her that you expect her to stick to her word, her behaviour impacts on other people so she can't just change her mind on a whim. I presume we are talking about a maximum of a couple of weeks?

If she refuses I would make sure she pays you back the full cost and understands that she will not be included in any future holiday plans. The irony is that by the time the holiday rolls around the partner could be history!

Don't invite on next holiday

How long is this holiday, 7, 10 or 15 days?
Could DD & her partner find £300 to bring the partner along, too?

Thanks everyone, yeah I have now more or less told her what snowsinwater said, that her actions impact on others , I pointed out that we planned the whole thing around dates the DDs wanted, and it's a commitment . Plus gave her the bill. I'm not going to ask her along again, it's too stressful! Partner looked into flying out for weekend but too expensive . We are going for 10 days.
If she drops out now younger DD2 would be really really upset. Unfortunately not quite close enough to any cousins or friends to bring but will try and do that next year.

I know exactly how you feel but it is what it is & just try and get yourself in the mindset that you're going to go and have a great time anyway. My stepdaughter did exactly the same to us 7 years ago, only telling us the day before. She was 17 as was my eldest DD who was really thrown at not having her buddy come and just having her little 3 year old sister for company. It out an initial gloom on things but you re-group, put it behind you & go and have a good time. My step daughter has since told us her boyfriend at the time was very manipulative and put a lot of pressure on her not to come & she really wishes she had. Good on her if she's happy to pay you back - I probably wouldn't have given her the bill but understand why you have & there's a lesson in there for her there about taking responsibility for letting people down.

If she has a new relationship it is going to be intense. i had this when one of mine was that age new Bf going to miss him blah de blah I don't want to come on holiday now I just said she had commited to us she wanted to come we had organised it around her she came and it was fine,.

Sorry OP, I can understand your stress and disappointment, but don’t make your 18 year go on the holiday, as she will be totally miserable, and ruin the holiday for all of you.

10 days isn’t a lot of time to be without her partner, but to an 18 YO in love, if seems like a lifetime 😂 I vaguely remember those days!

I would keep the ticket for your DD, not sure when your hols are but you never know at that age many intense relationships do not last. So she may decide to come and the holiday after all.

Whatever happens, have a lovely holiday, I have an 18 YO DS and could be in the same situation this year.