American single mom moving to Brighton to take care of English mum

[user1470361776]

I hope this is the right place to put this. So my parents are both British and my dad died when I was very young. I lived in Gloucester until I was 9, when my mum, brother, and I moved to the United States. I have wonderful memories of my early childhood in England, and remember being heartbroken when I moved. Decades later I live in Los Angeles with my 10 year old daughter. My mum moved back to the UK about 5 years ago, and lives alone in the house she herself grew up in (my grandparents') on the outskirts of Brighton, living with her sister. She has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and things are rapidly going downhill. Her sister is healthy but very old and definitely not up to taking care of her, and I imagine she won't be able to take care of herself for that much longer. My mother is also my best friend, she is the kindest silliest most thoughtful person I've ever met and we speak for hours on the phone every day. I want my daughter to have a strong relationship with her grandmother, and they are so much alike. So, my plan is to move to the Brighton area with my daughter and rebuild our lives here - this sounds overwhelming and crazy, but also feels right in so many ways. I'm a nurse here in the States, and I'm looking into how to transfer my skills to the UK system as it's something I'm not familiar with but it seems relatively easy. Not sure how many hospitals there are near Brighton, so London might be a more reasonable option, but wary of a long commute. My daughter is a smart, funny, awesome kid, she loves science and math and is really into soccer/football. Also nervous about building community and making friends as an adult - I like books, leftist politics (I thought moving meant avoiding the Donald Trumps of the world! Brexit sure proved me wrong.) I've applied for my daughter's British passport and in theory we would move just before Christmas, and stay with my mum and aunt until we figure out schools and job. I guess I'm mostly posting for reassurance that this isn't a completely ridiculous idea, experiences with transitions for kids moving countries and cultures, making friends as an adult, and any specific tips regarding Brighton/London area.

Ah, belief....and what believers think of unbelievers...

Anyway, back to the point - it is indeed not silly to get granddaughter with grandmother while there is time, and we all have limited time. But long term will be a concern if your mother lives many years. I hope the need for full time care is along way off , but it has to be considered together with the finances for you all.

I would not uproot your life so readily.

Is it possible for you and your child to visit your mother for a visit and to get a feel for what you are thinking about taking on here. This may be a better short term course of action rather than committing yourselves to life in the UK primarily as a carer. The UK is a country that you only have nostalgic memories of and things here have changed beyond all recognition since those days.

You will leave a country that you know well for a country in which you will have to start again from scratch.

Specialsubject's third paragraph are also words that you need to think about very carefully.

I can see your DD and you becoming socially isolated even in a place like Brighton (how are you realistically going to manage your mother's care needs along with a job and looking after your DD) and I truly think you are underestimating the pitfalls. You could get burnt out quickly and there is no-one to pick up the slack. Being a carer can be a thankless task for which the carer gets little support and respite. Homesickness is also not to be underestimated. You will have no other family around you other than your aunt who is herself frail.

Are your mother and sister receiving any form of outside help currently from their local council?. That needs to be clarified if you do not already know.

Your mother may well go onto not recognise you or your daughter. I think you could be shocked emotionally by a decline in her overall condition.

Re your earlier comment:-
"I've applied for my daughter's British passport and in theory we would move just before Christmas, and stay with my mum and aunt until we figure out schools and job"

I do not think its going to be as straight forward as that. How is that going to pan out?. As you have been living overseas for many years I would think that UK Border will want you to have a job offer as well as means of supporting yourselves.

Do you have British Citizenship or did you take out US Citizenship?.

A lot more research is needed before making any sort of move to the UK and I would apply for jobs sooner rather than later.

but I do believe voters of both are coming from a place of fear and xenophobia.

Lovely, thanks for that. Good to know you know why I want to leave the EU better than I do.

Also helpful (genuinely) hint: we don't really do light-hearted about Brexit in the UK at the moment

Attila, definitely appreciate the concern. I am a British citizen (dual American citizenship) and have every right to move back to England, UK Border has nothing to do with that. My daughter is eligible for citizenship through me.

I hear you, and the problem is there really is no one else to take care of her. She is wealthy enough to probably afford a part time professional carer, but after all she has given me and as close as we are, I could never forgive myself if she went through this alone. And I do have other family - cousins in Gloucester and Liverpool.

And I'm not intending to move just because of her. I'm frustrated with the car culture and materialism of the US, and LA specifically. I want to reconnect with my roots and traditions.

That area isn't really Brighton and doesn't share its cosmopolitan feel. In fact I think it may fall under West Sussex for schools. You'd need a car really as public transport is limited to buses and they won't run regularly early or late enough for shift work. Worthing hospital might even be more accessible than Brighton itself. Are you able to support yourself and homeschool short term?

I did wonder whether you retained your UK citizenship upon moving to the US. That may make things a bit easier but do not ever underestimate the enormity of what could lie ahead for you in the UK. I would hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Homesickness is a real possibility and adapting to a whole different way of life is going to take some doing and perseverance. It could well be a culture shock to you and your child. You have not lived in the UK for many years and things have changed a great deal. Whilst its not all bad at all, the overall cost of living is high (you will pay more for groceries and gas here than in LA) and bureaucracy at a local level can be maddening.

How does your aunt feel about you and your DD potentially living in the UK?. Does she think this is too big a leap for you and your child to take on?

I would also suggest you read up on the Southern Trains long running saga of strike action over the last few months. Reading "The road to Little Dribbling" by Bill Bryson (an American citizen who has lived in the UK for many years) is worth a read too. If you do not already do so read a variety of UK newspapers as you can online, get a feel for the UK through that as well.

How do you yourself get along with your cousins in the UK?.

Would like to wish you the very best of luck whatever you decide to do.

Portslade is still in East Sussex (West Sussex starts at Shoreham I think) but not the best for schools you need West Hove for that it's also on the other side of town for the Sussex County and in an area that voted Leave. PCC is the main secondary school and that is improving all the time I quite like MileOak but it is suburban rather than city centre.

Mile oak is suburban but still pretty close to town in American terms!

Portslade community college has had bad press but it's meant to be getting better.

As far as I know it's also not oversubscribed at this point so that's a bonus!

How much have you been to the UK in the last 5-10 years?

Do not underestimate the culture shock, particularly as being a fluent English speaker people don't make allowances for Americans in the way they do other foreigners. Bill Bryson's Notes from a Small Island and from a Big Country (how he saw the US after 30 years here) are well worth reading, plus Watching the English by Kate Fox.

Brighton is a strange mix of crunchy liberal-in-the-UK sense (only Green MP in the country, for example), and arty consumerism, surrounded by right-wing Brexity rural areas and down-at-heel seaside towns.

Others have said don't even think of commuting to London with a nursing-type job, but the traffic even around Brighton can be tough. But if you're thinking of being a carer (in which case you may well get carer's allowance - and get someone to confirm your mum and aunt are getting all the benefits and social care they are entitled to), are you going to have time to work?

but I do believe voters of both are coming from a place of fear and xenophobia.

You're wrong, and pretty insulting with it. But you'll fit right in in Brighton

Definitely prepared for some level of culture shock, but given I spent the first 9 years of my life there and spent a few summers with my grandparents, I feel I know what to expect.

My aunt thinks it's a good idea as she is not capable of taking care of my mum, but she would be able to help care for my daughter while I job hunt and such. She's surprised I'm willing to go through with the move, but is looking forward to the idea. My cousins and I were close during childhood and definitely friendly, although of course less close than we would be if I'd grown up in the UK. Still spend many holidays together.

Wow definitely had no idea about the issues with Southern Trains. Thank you for the warning about that.

Wrong Trouser and Manatee - Seriously? I stated my political views because I'd like to be in a community of like minded folks. I welcome your stance and friendly debate about Brexit, but you can't really say something like that and then call me insulting.

Don't underestimate the cultural difference and changes. We were expats for only 4 years , returned 10 years ago to same area and much had changed in that time. There may well be things you take for granted which simply don't work the same way here. Will you also have family in US to visit, your dd will need to make new friends and that won't necessarily be easy if she is home educated to begin with.

I won't derail your thread any further after this but just need to reply to your comments to me.

37% of registered voters voted leave. You cannot call that proportion of the country xenophobic and not expect anyone to take issue with you.

I did not say you were insulting. I said you don't know my reasons for wanting to leave the EU and pointed out that people in the UK are finding it difficult to treat Brexit in a light hearted way at present. I don't see that these are controversial comments.

Regarding your wish to live in a community of like minded people, if you move to the UK you are not going to find an area where everyone voted remain (or leave) so you are going to meet leave voters, although many keep quiet about it as they have had enough of being called racist and stupid. There are many reasons people voted to leave the EU, and many did so from a left wing perspective. If you do move to the UK, it might be better to try to understand the motives behind the leave vote rather than writing off 37% of the population of another country as xenophobes before you have met them (oh the irony)

Hi OP! I live in Brighton (opposite side of town though) if you do end up moving here I think you'll really like it, it's a lovely place to live and work. Good luck with your move.

Your mother may well go onto not recognise you or your daughter. I think you could be shocked emotionally by a decline in her overall condition.

My grandmother knew my name when I last saw her but not the relationship, we still had fun talking and she was happy.

There's more than one hospital in the Brighton area - apart from the Royal Sussex, there's also Brighton General, and then the private Montefiore and Nuffield hospitals. Probably more if you Google. I'm in Hove (next to Brighton) myself, caring for my Dad who has mixed dementia and prostate cancer - feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the area or local dementia care - I'm not a full time resident, I live abroad, but am here most of the time now 'cos of Dad. No kids myself, so don't know about schools etc. I love Brighton - I was brought up here - actually moved here when I was 10, strangely enough!