Hubby wants to take daughter to Turkey - Im scared of ISIS and Terror Threat

[Kalkan28]

Firstly, no worries here about kidnap/forced marriage or anything, been married for 17 years and she has been away without me before to visit his parents and despite being a quivering wreck I've let her go as I don't already go once a year and find them hard work. Also we have our own business so I stay and keep and eye on that and get hammered and listed to Absolute 80s all week so its not all bad. Its something I've come to accept, she is half Turkish after all and if I lived there then naturally I would want to bring her back here sometimes. However, this is a different ball game. Things in Turkey are very different this year, I know certain people try and play it down (people with holiday homes there etc, which I have too) but I am a realist. I speak Turkish, watch the news etc I know the country is in a bad way with ISS and PKK threat and Istanbul doesn't sit comfortably with me at all. I even persuaded him to change our annual holiday this year as me and daughter were crapping it about going to Turkey.

Anyway, he is adamant they are going (I keep trying to stop my anxiety ruining it, he genuinely wants to take her around the sites, to a football match etc) and there is a concert I could go to in London but I just can't snap out of it - it doesn't feel right at all. She is just 13 by the way but looks much older and (not just saying this) but she is stunning looking and lads stare at her all the time. In Turkey it was a nightmare earlier in the year, she felt really uncomfortable but I was with her so it was ok. I do trust hubby don't get me wrong but he is a bit "this is my country I know what Im doing/no one can hurt me Ive been in the army/Istanbul is safer than London etc etc etc". I have tried really really hard today to have a composed conversation about it but he just goes absolutely ape (fiery character) and says I am paranoid. However, daughter is terrified she DOES NOT want to go. I would say more so at this age than when she was younger, she doesn't want to leave me - not sure why that is. As a little one its easy to pacify them with presents, ice cream, trips to fair grounds etc but I personally think she is at totally the wrong age for this. Oh god, am I over reacting? Its not so much her going without me, I am used to that, I am terrified something will happen, Istanbul is a fantastic place Ive been loads of times but it all just feels wrong to me at the moment - creepy and sinister. PLEASE HELP!!! He is demanding we book flights today, I am dragging my feet on purpose but can't for much longer.

I think that your dd doesn't want to go, she is going to be stared at and made to feel uncomfortable (at best) and she is old enough to be aware there is a heightened threat of terrorism (although that is also true of the UK). On that basis I would be saying no. Remind him he can't take her across international borders without your permission (any more than you can). Why does she have to go this year, what's wrong with waiting til next year?

If he is utterly insistent, I think you should shut the business down for a week and go too. If there are financial consequences to that, so be it, but I would far rather be present if she is fearful. However, I would be saying a flat out no for now - on the basis of your dd's wishes.

this is a difficult one. your unease is understandable, there is currently a lot in the news about Turkey and Isis and the like and so it's natural to think "shit no, I wouldn't want any family member of mine going over there."

by the same token though, your dh does know what he's doing, and it's worth remembering that people who have travelled to Turkey to go to Syria have generally gone there of their own accord rather than been snatched off the streets for instance.

It's a very dangerous road to go down to start to mistrust your h to the point that you might believe your child to be in danger if he takes her to Turkey.

Reality is that your dd is of an age where she would get a lot of male attention over there whether she was half turkish or white British. I've been to Turkey several times, I love it there and the people are lovely, but women and young girls do get a lot of attention from quite a young age, and I can understand that this might make your dd feel uncomfortable. This is a positive IMO - at least she's not taken in by the romantic notion of the charming men liking her - iyswim.

I would sit down and have a chat with both dh and dd and get to the bottom of why dd doesn't want to go. Has she been reading the news about isis? does she have any fear about Turkey in general? or has she perhaps been subject to any kind of bullying from her peers perhaps who know that she is part turkish and might have joked about her going over there to be an isis bride? That's not beyond the realms of possibility.

If the trip needs to happen, I would say reconsider after the election. Security is very high in Istanbul right now. As are emotions in general. Remember, the military in Turkey makes the UK Ministry of Defence look like toy soldiers.

Entirely separate issue is how your beautiful daughter feels about being stared at on a land where that is culturally the norm. This will not change even when political stability returns, so merits serious discussion and consideration if your husband would like her to develop connections to the country.

I am sitting here in Istanbul today and loving it, by the way

Your feelings and your daughter's feelings come first, and this needs to be respected. Best of luck.

Bless you both excellent advice. Yes agree with all you say. Trimpot - that is my feeling to be firm, have avoided this thus far but he is not an easy person to discuss with. Had a massive argument this morning. WannaBe, yes I know, its not that I don't trust him but other people/situations - although to him, he is taking it that way Don't know why, shes been plenty of times without me. My Turkish sister inlays/aunties etc all have said to me over the years don't let her come without you/the men here are dirty etc etc etc. I don't agree with all of that but it just bolsters up the fact that I have reason to feel like I do. I could take her to Meadowhall and something could happen, lets be honest. However its not just the terror threat thing its the whole discomfort. When we had our holiday booked earlier in the year my dad was begging me not to go, he even offered to compensate us if we lost money he was so worried about something happening to us. Luckily, managed to change to a different country. I am sure she would have a great time in lots of ways and the two of them do clash so it will do them both the world of good to have some quality time. When the three of us are together she is either with me or on her own - they don't have a great relationship so from that angle, it will create magical memories for him and I don't want to ruin that. You're quite right about other kids taking the piss, it still happens to me "you ll end up in a village making carpets"!! tbh her school friends seem quite fascinated about her heritage but you're right, and I would never of thought about this, I should speak to her about that. Ok, I will sit them both down tonight and the focus needs to be on her doing the talking. He is also convinced that I put things in her head, I really don't apart from the usual advice. I tell her to pretend she is going to be sick if she is in a car in Turkey and they are driving too fast (they usually are), stuff like that but I wouldn't influence her against what is essentially part of what she is. wish me luck and thank you both XXXXX I am also terrified of flying and hate her flying without me! Christ, Im such a wreck!

oh no I forgot about that when is the election?!!!

What a lovely response, thank you, you are absolutely spot on.

InternationalEspoinage those last two messages were for you have a great time in Istanbul x

You tell your DD to pretend to be sick if your DH is driving too fast?? That's not a normal, trusting thing to do.

No not my hubby for gods sake! Thanks a lot for that useless contribution

guessing your sister in law is your dh's sister? She obviously knows the cultural norms over there and that your dd is reaching puberty and will thus start to be attractive to the locals. Perhaps she could have a word with your dh on that score.

Re your dad, so often parents worry about things which they only know half of. My mum worries about me travelling around London on my own although she has realised that I am perfectly capable, but when I first moved here she told me that the underground was full of muggers and I was naive. she meant well though but her concern although genuine is often born out of half facts and half overthinking. I suspect your dad may be the same.

And i totally get your thinking on flying. I hate flying and hate the thought of my ds flying without me. And when he went on holiday with my xh over the summer I thought "what if something happened?" but sometimes you just have to rise above those thoughts, as hard as it is.